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  1. #1
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    will I be the perpetual fallback girl to successful jerks

    Lately I have been totally depressed. I recently ended an verbally abusive relationship. He was lying, cheating, etc.,disrespecting me. I'm not the perfect girlfriend, but this was no longer about me improving and a friend helped me finally stand up for myself and set some boundaries. I also got into this relationship not too long after ending another abusive relationship.

    These were both highly successful, good looking, exciting guys that were feeding me the line that they loved me, wanted to marry me. They were both a bit older (13 yrs and 7 yrs). It was like the same man in a different body. I'm still not over the second. I went no contact for 3 months(!) and he continued to try to contact me. I finally taked to him and he only to seem to rub it in my face that he's with someone else and how happy his is. I told him that he was being a jerk, and in a way I regret it because I feel he wont even try to harrass me anymore now that he got a reaction and probably assumes i'm single. As stupid or selfish as it sounds, negative attention was better than no attention. It felt good that he kept calling for awhile, but it probably wasn't because he ever cared about me.

    I've been obsessing over why I broke no contact, thinking that's why I'm depressed. But I think deep down I'm just petrified of being lonely and not being able to take care of myself. I do ok, but I'm 32 years old and really starting to worry about my future. I have good qualities and am attractive, but I just dont seem to have confidence unless i'm with someone else. I don't want to be like this, but what is wrong with me.. I honestly would rather be in the abuse lately than feeling like such a failure. I don't feel I'm old, but I feel I'm to old to be where i'm at.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    You need to ask yourself why you keep falling for the same type of guy. Could you maybe try counselling?

    And your in no way a failure, you have to learn to be happy in and by yourself. I'd rather be alone than abused.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    You need to let it go and just start focusing on your own life. Start building your self-confidence so that you won't land up with the smooth talkers who say all the right words but do all the wrong actions. When you develop self esteem you won't feel the need to hang on every word of a smooth talker as they talk love and marriage when they have only known you five minutes. Focus on yourself right now rather than on finding another man.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    Sometimes that drive to be successful in some people masks a desire to be in control, and to 'win' at all costs even if it means dominating and abusing their partner. So that drive that makes them succeed can be the same thing that creates horrible relationship skills.

    So the first thing you need to do is take a step back and realize you shouldn't let a guy's 'success' and good looks blind you to other flaws in the guy's character. Many women are blinded by this, but as you have learned, it can't be sustained and creates for a horrible relationship that leaves you miserable and doubting yourself.

    So take a breather for a little bit and recognize how badly this has beaten you down. Focus on doing things that rebuild your confidence and don't worry about the next guy. If you build yourself up and do some thinking about what is important to you, the next guy you choose will be better for you.

    I am of the firm opinion that when you start questioning 'are all men like this' and 'do i attract the wrong men,' it is much more about you TOLERATING a bad man for far longer than you should because you are focusing on things you like about them while tolerating things that just are intolerable. Dating is a numbers game, and you should evaluate each person you date very carefully up front early on, and if you see big red flags like him treating you badly or verbally abusing you, don't just stay in the relationship and waste a lot of time on a bad egg. You can't meet a good guy if you're wasting a lot of time and effort on a bad one.

    So build yourself up for a while, then specifically start looking for good guys, nice guys who treat you well without reference to whether they are 'successful' (i.e., don't ignore their bad behavior due to their looks or success, and don't avoid good guys because they aren't hugely successful at work or make a lot of money). Shift your focus to looking for qualities that make a good partner, not qualities that make a good movie star or successful businessman.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Psychomagnet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ukdame View Post
    a friend helped me finally stand up for myself and set some boundaries. ---This is a good friend indeed!

    It felt good that he kept calling for awhile, but it probably wasn't because he ever cared about me. ---More accurate than you know, this is often the case with jerks of both genders!

    I've been obsessing over why I broke no contact, thinking that's why I'm depressed.---Stop it, your human, we all make mistakes. Learn from it and don't repeat it...apologize to yourself. I'm serious, then forgive yourself and drop that ton of bricks because that's all it is.

    But I think deep down I'm just petrified of being lonely and not being able to take care of myself. I do ok, but I'm 32 years old and really starting to worry about my future.---You don't need and can't rely on other people to "take care of you" 2 reasons are that it's not anyone's job and secondly, you CAN'T rely on others...they will let you down as they are imperfect just as we all are. The only person whose job it is to take care of you...is you. Your future is in your hands alone, I'm sorry if that frightens you but it is the reality of life.

    I have good qualities and am attractive---You just proved what I typed above with this single sentence. THAT'S the spirit!

    but I just don't seem to have confidence unless i'm with someone else.--- I'm sorry that you have bought into this absolute LIE that women have been taught in our society, i.e. that your value and confidence are defined by whether or not you are in a relationship...it's a crap mantra and a total LIE. you may feel that way because a person can relax when in a relationship as that alone provides a false sense of security, or perhaps there may be another reason but no matter your confidence needs to come from one place and that's within yourself....you already believe you are attractive and have good qualities, that's a step in a more healthy approach, expound on your good qaulities and let that define your confidence.

    but I feel I'm to old to be where i'm at.---pfffft self defeating, your only 32 not 82. can you collect social security? No? then not even your state thinks you are old so the only one buying that is you.
    I agree with your friend you mentioned at the beginning, as I had to learn how to not tolerate being put on anyone's shelf as the fallback guy. Saying "NO!", healthy boundaries and finding the strength within yourself to walk away from crappy treatment does alot more than you can ever see, it also gets you massive amounts of respect from all directions.
    "I want her to be very happy.... As long as she doesn't do it around me." -Jettison

    "Regrets occur when it is far too late for your efforts to affect the outcome." - Sagreras

    http://my.opera.com/bhtooefr/blog/show.dml/46931 - How to next someone.

    "we can never see past the choices we don't understand."

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