Boyfriend's Exs and Facebook

My boyfriend of two and a half years is a wonderful guy but I am having some problems with gool ol' facebook.

It all started with me asking him one day "Do you have any exs in your facebook friends?" he said "I don't know" and refused to tell me or show me (I had a weird feeling he knew) After telling him the insecurites I was having of not knowing which ones were talking to him or posting on his wall -he still wouldn't tell me until I managed to find one and confront him. He had like 6 or 7 of them on there without telling me (made me upset). We both made an agreement to delete my 2 I had on there and his 6 or 7. It was an agreement that worked out well for our relationship.

We have been talking about marriage and we are very much in love. My family loves him (my father absolutely adores him!) but I feel like his family don't like me as much. When I go on facebook sometimes I see that his mother or his sister have remained friends with his exs and talk to them regulary (and talk about them with me in the room), keep pictures of them in their facebook albums (and real albums that I happened to stumble upon one day), bring them up for no reason, etc

It really hurts my feelings. My boyfriend let go of his exs (although he once had them in his facebook friends, he never once talked to them since we began dating) so why can't his family?? MY family NEVER brings up my exs or talks to them on facebook.

I try and forget about it but when I log in and see them all talking (more then they bother talking to me) I get really insecure and wonder if they're better than me.

I'm sick of being hurt by his family all the time. I don't deserve it and it's not fair to keep talking and praising his ex girlfriends in front of me. And now facebook??? Ugh, Any advice?

You can't control what his family does on facebook and neither can he. Let this go or you will cause worse problems.

Awww god that's annoying, I haven't had it that bad but I can still sympathise.

My boyfriend knows I have issues with his previous girlfriend, but his parents who are so casual about that stuff don't get it. Sometimes they'll mention her casually in conversation, they didn't know her that well and it doesn't happen that often but occasionally it does and every time I feel horrible. And I can't tell them because I don't think they'd understand he mentioned it to them once right at the beginning of our relationship before I met them but I think they've assumed it's not a big issue now.

I basically want to hear nothing about his ex, I don't expect them to hate her or anything just I'd like it if they didn't mention her around me ever It's just even his parents talk about their previous relationships casually around eachother so they'd never get why it bothers me to hear about my boyfriend's, I'm just glad they don't keep in contact with her!

How are your boyfriend's family with you when ex girlfriends are not brought up? Do they seem to like you? If not then they are being pretty unfair, it's just plain mean to be cold towards the new girlfriend just because you liked the ex. Perhaps you could ask your boyfriend to talk to them if that's the case you can't control their facebook activity I'm afraid but the mentioning exes around you could be stopped out of respect for you. If they seem to like you then I guess they don't really understand why it'd upset you like my boyfriend's parents don't.

I'm taking it pretty hard. I do have a personal issue about my boyfriend's past and I am trying to put it behind me -but this isn't helping.

The thing that bothers me is that my family has never done that to him. They are respectful.

His family seems to like me. Im not sure about his mother but his sister had a baby recently and keeps calling me the babys aunt. She dont talk about his exs anymore. But his mother....

My boyfriend tells me some good things they say about me when Im not around. But Im not the new girlfriend anymore! Its been 2.5 years. I think this should have stopped by now.

The worst thing is: They leave pictures out of him and his ex (some framed on the walls) I just get really upset. Like I shouldnt walk in and see that. Grr they were just girlfriends, he was never married or anything. I dont understand -I shouldnt have to see that.

I feel that they are ignorant and dont have common sense because it just really hurts me and it will always hurt me.

Im a very soft-hearted person (I have told them that before but they either dont care or never caught on) ..the funny thing is that his mothers married his father young (so they were no exs in that relationship) and same thing with his sister! So they dont know what its like! (and my boyfriend has like 12 exs and I have 2)

He has mentioned to them to stop talking about his exs and a lot has stopped but the pictures are still around and the facebook. ... I just have a problem with it. Its like my family respects him and his dont respect me.

I wonder how much relationships facebook has ruined

I wonder how much relationships facebook has ruined

I wonder that too sometimes...

If it is really bothering you then I think you should make more of an effort to be close with his family, especially his mother. I think if you try to get to know her better, spend time with her, and she grows to REALLY like you as a person and not just as your bf's girlfriend, then she may do away with the pictures and stuff.

Also, maybe you can write on her facebook or whatever so that you feel better when you're looking at the page. But you have to understand that sometimes in life people just get along with other people and become close with them and have a right to continue that relationship even if her son and the girl broke up. (I DO THINK THE PICTURES ON THE WALL ARE NOT FAIR BUT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM STILL BEING IN CONTACT) I have been dating my boyfriend for a long time now and his family and I are very close. If we broke up, I would definitely still talk to his mom. It's like they have become part of my family and their relationship is separate from mine with him. If we broke up, I would talk to her because we have a friendship now.

I also don't see why you don't just tell your bf this bothers you and maybe he can clear some stuff up with his family - honestly thats probably the easiest way.

I wonder how much relationships facebook has ruined

Sadly, Facebook is only a contribution to an already deteriorating relationship. If it truly takes a website to ruin that relationship, that relationship was going to end at some point.

Maverick

I like your post and I completely agree with you.

The funny thing is is that his mother didn't really like most of his gfs -especially his last one (she hated her and tried to set him up with someone else when they were dating). And that's the one she still has pictures of!! I really don't get it.

She just seems very ignorant to the situation and don't understand why it would bother me. Like I said, she hasn't experienced the feelings I'm experiencing. Lucky her, she married her man and he never had a ex because they were young.

Believe me -his family put me through some rough times when they used to really talk openly about his exs. (Some things were sexual ...I went through a lot of crap with them.)

I did mention to my bf that this is all bugging me. He talked to both of them and his sister actually deleted ALL of his exs off of hers (which meant a lot to me), but his mother deleted a few pictures but still kept some pictures of her left which kinda upset me (like I said -they weren't close to any of his exs so it's not necessary. There is no friendship! If there was, I would secretly still want the pictures gone, but I wouldn't be able to actually ask for them to be deleted.)

It makes me feel like I'm just another one of his girlfriends that means nothing when I see pictures around like that. She actually had a photo album laid out in the open of my bf and his ex gf with her son and it was Christmas and everyone was smiling and they were kissing and grabbing each other's asses and I got so angry that she left it there for me to see. I was angry that she still had it in the first place. I shouldn't have seen it. And I don't deserve to hear her praise some other girl he was with.

He makes me feel like I'm everthing and she makes me feel like I'm nothing. How frusterating! Why is she so ignorant?

Sadly, Facebook is only a contribution to an already deteriorating relationship. If it truly takes a website to ruin that relationship, that relationship was going to end at some point.

 

Maverick

I agree with that but I also believe that facebook gives everyone too much information.

For instance: If I wanted to, I could go on facebook right now, look up one of my boyfriend's ex girlfriends that lives far away and get all jealous and insecure. If there were no facebook or social networking sites like facebook I wouldn't be able to do that. I could find out what she does for a living, what she looks like, if there are any pictures of her and my boyfriend .....etc

It just gives you the power to see/know what you don't really want to see.

But it's also true what you're saying because that means I was insecure in the first place to do that.

Facebook just doesn't help a relationship!

I think that the issue is NOT Facebook...nor the framed pictures on the walls of his parents' house....that are the problems in this relationship. I think it's because in reality, you cannot trust your boyfriend. You said so yourself that there is this one issue that you are trying to get over etc, in regards to him. If he had cheated on you before, or had some sort of flirtation that upset you, then that's clearly the cause of all this nagging, worrying etc. Maybe in essence, you shouldn't be with him until you can work out the following :

1) How to get over the past ?

2) How you can reconcile yourself with the fact that his family will not change nor do they have to be controlled in regards to their actions of putting up framed pics of him with his exes ?

As far as Facebook goes, you * * * * * about it and complain etc....so why NOT simply cut off your account and stay away from Facebook so you wouldn't have to be tempted to look at his page, newsfeed or stalk his exes?

Maybe the family does not seem to like you ( as you feel ) because you are highly insecure, stalkerish and somewhat immature in how you handle things.

I do have to get over his past but I'm being as strong as I can. I think a lot of people would have trouble getting over their partner's past if they felt the need to tell you all the sexual details about the sex and everything else....

I disagree. I don't think it's right what they're doing. I really don't. I'm not being ignorant to your post, I'm just listening to my heart and how I feel. I am a very rational and emotionally stable person and I know I'm not acting out of line. I just feel hurt by it and that's it and I don't feel wrong at all. It' not like I said anything to any of them about it. I didn't tell anyone to delete pictures or anything. I'm just wondering if I should or what I should do.

I'm just wondering if I should or what I should do.

I think that I might have ruined my relationship for overreacting because something was writing in facebook.

I wonder if it is better not to have a facebook account to have a better realtionship.

If you want to save your relationship, don't do anything, it is better to delete your facebook account. Out of sight out of mind.

I don't think facebook does any good in many cases.

Good luck!

Er, IMO I think you're being pretty selfish about this. While it can be hurtful to see pictures of your bf and his ex on the walls, you have no say in who this family can be friends with. Their world cannot revolve around you and I think you should understand that. One poster said you should do your best to get closer to the family and I think that's an excellent idea. But harboring ideas of self importance can be dangerous to your relationship. I think it would be best not to tell your bf you have these thoughts because I can see him getting upset about it.

How old are the both of you? This just seems like a very young mindset to have. You cannot expect his family to sever relationships just because your bf has. Life doesn't work that way. You'd be better off getting to know his family and even his exes so that you are not so threatened by them. If you are this insecure, you cannot blame him, his family, facebook or anyone else. Insecurity is an issue that is within you, and only you can choose to change it.

I understand but what I'm saying is: They are not friends with his exs and they are not around! What bothers me is when they talk about them in front of me -I don't think that's fair. If my family did that to him I would get upset.

There is no friendship with his exs!

And I try my best to impress and be friends with his family.

I know I'm overreacting but if you knew what I've heard them say you might understand that it's kinda like 'the last straw' you know? But I know I can't control anyone and I would seem crazy ...But the things they said were just unfair.

How old are the both of you? This just seems like a very young mindset to have. You cannot expect his family to sever relationships just because your bf has. Life doesn't work that way. You'd be better off getting to know his family and even his exes so that you are not so threatened by them. If you are this insecure, you cannot blame him, his family, facebook or anyone else. Insecurity is an issue that is within you, and only you can choose to change it.

I am 22 and he is 29.

I have to say that his family said a lot of WRONG things to me. Not fair for me to hear. Like when I told my mother she said "What is wrong with them? I would never say that to him!!"

I mean, they used to talk about how my boyfriend was sexual with them sometimes.

I know I'm acting a little crazy about facebook but I do believe I am justified as well. Like I had enough, you know?

Hi, I know it has been a couple of days since you posted, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents.

I definetly don't think you are being selfish and I think it's totally normal to feel the way you do. My boyfriend, who I've been with for 3 + years now, and I had a similar problem this past Christmas. I went to visit his family as I have been for the past 3 years and in the living room was a picture of his familiy, him, and his ex. The picture was never there the previous times I visited, so I was hurt when I saw it because I thought his mom put it there for a reason.

His mom and I aren't the greatest of friends or anything because we have a language barrier. She doesn't speak english, and I don't fully speak spanish. So it's hard for us to communicate. Anyways, my bf saw the picture and then saw I was hurt by it, and immediately went straight to his mom and asked why the picture was there and if she did it on purpose. (Btw, his ex could speak spanish and called his mom to talk. Plus his mom and her mom got a long as well). She said she didn't, but that she liked the picture and it fit the frame. However, the next morning, the picture was gone. It was just random that she would put that picture there. I mean I totally understand how you feel. I thought it was completely insensitive. I mean hello, it is his ex gf.

His family would also mention his ex at the beginning of the relationship as well, but he shut that down real quick. Maybe if his mom heard it from him, that he doesn't want to hear about his ex anymore, and to respect the relationship that he is in now with you, she'll listen. I agree with you thought, I totally think you have every right to feel the way you do.

About facebook, well I don't have that problem, but definitely don't have your bf tell his mom to "unfriend" any of his ex's or take down pics, bc I think his mom will just see you as being insecure. Try to get to know his mom more if you can. Get her to appreciate you, the relationship ya'll are in, and in her own time, she may even delete them herself. And if she doesn't even communicate with them, then don't worry too much. They are not a threat. Your bf is with you for a reason and not them. My bf's mom keeps pics of his ex's in an album upstairs and even his old love letters he received from his ex back in the day. At first I was a little upset, but then I realized that those pics and lettesr are just memories for her about her son. It has nothing to do with whether she likes them more than me. As long as she doesn't put them up, I'm good =)

Anyways, i know this is long, but I just wanted to let you know I've been in your shows and don't feel as though you shouldn't be upset. It's normal.

i've been in your *shoes"...lol not shows

ah..when I type fast I misspell a lot!

Christina:

Your post is definitely not too long. I wish there were more of it to read because I am very appreciative. Honestly, you made me tear up a little because I've been wanting to talk about this problem for a while now and I feel kind of alone. You made me feel like I wasn't alone at all. I'm not crazy ...I knew it (haha).

I think a lot of the problem I have is a personal issue with my boyfriend's past. He's older than me and had 12 relationships/one night stands and I had only 2 before him. Because of that, I feel very insecure and I want so much to be better than them in every way. I was 19 when we met and he was 26. He's done everything! He's already been engaged with some girl who had a kid.

Now his mother and facebook and everything is driving me insane! It's bad enough that he had to tell me about every sexual detail that he's experienced -but now I can put faces to these girls because of his mother's ignorance.

I talk to him about these things that upset me when I can -but he tends to get frustrated with me bringing it up. He has talked to his mother but I guess she doesn't think it's a big deal.

Thank you for your post, Christina I know it's natural to feel this way. But sometimes you doubt yourself, you know? I hate when I do that because I always regret it.

You can't control what his family does on facebook and neither can he. Let this go or you will cause worse problems.

^ THIS!

Look, I can understand why you don't want him communicating with Ex'es (been there), but what his family does is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. And sometimes in- laws are just plain annoying. That's out of your control too.

And one of the things I believe everyone should learn in life is don't stress stuff that is out of your control. There's no point.

Aw I feel for you hun, but really don't try and take it personally. I am older than you (I'm 28 and had more partners) but I am the EXACT same way when it comes to my thoughts on exes.. It's not a trust issue for me, it is that when I love someone I love HARD. I've only been in love 3 times (including now) and exes don't bother me aside from with these 3 people. The insignificant relationships I could care less about, but if there is any kind of long-term history, I feel insecure about it. Only because I hate hearing about things they did together sexual or not, because I want the things I do with my current partner to be SPECIAL. I hold a high degree of standard for a relationship when I am in it, being that is the most special and best relationship for US or I feel we shouldn't be together. I have a hard time accepting when someone I have been with has special history with someone (like being engaged, married etc.) because I want to be the only person that does that with the one I love. It's almost like a feeling of "What you've felt *THIS* before, not just with me ?"

It's silly, but there is a deep reason I feel the way I do.

You have to remember that your bf's exes ARE exes for a reason. They didn't work.... They all gave him experiences he has learnt today so that he CAN make it work. Maybe one of his exes used to say he wasn't good in bed, so he learnt how to be no he can be that way with you... Maybe he wasn't as committed before and he lost someone because of it, so he has learnt to be a better & committed boyfriend to you when you met.

Everyone learns as they go, it's those experiences that teach us something and allow us to "do it right" when the right person does come along down the road. Whether it be after 2 previous relationships, or 10 relationships.

In regards to his family, I really do see how this is inappropriate and you should talk to your boyfriend about it and in my opinion HE should politely say to his parents that he noticed they talk about his exes and could they please not do that in front of you?

I have a similar story for you.. My first ex of 5 years (we were young) lived with me and my family... He cut my parent's yard, watched hockey with my dad, etc. He was like a SON to them... Ofcourse they loved him.. When we broke up (I ended it) they were probably more heartbroken than I was lol. It has been like 6 years since we broke up and my mother STILL talks about him as if we dated yesterday and she talks to him on facebook here and there. She is a bit of a pack rat kind of person so she still has a few pictures of us laying around her house too! She thinks my boyfriend now is a total sweetheart, but that doesn't change the fact that she loved my first boyfriend.

Don't take it personally, just try and enjoy your relationship with you bf (tell him so maybe they can change what they're doing-they might not even realize it hurts you) and just move on and develop a relationship with them. In time, there will be things about YOU they love... And if you didn't marry your boyfriend (hope you do!!) you could be the NEXT ex girlfriend they constantly rave about to his new gf lol..

Not saying you'll break up, just meaning there are good qualities about everyone and its ok for people to remember those things.

Thanks for your post. It's good to know that people can feel the same way -especially when you feel like your crazy because your the only 'freak' who feels this way. But I'm a very sensitive/soft-hearted person.

The under-lying problem is that my boyfriend made the mistake and really getting into detail about his past sexual experiences with other women. (Detail! Very painful...) He tried to impress me with it (I was not impressed...) So that really doesn't help. I have been through a very rough time with it. I have forgiven him but since I started listening to his mother talk about any of his exs, see the pictures she has of him hugging his ex-fiance's son, her little conversations on facebook with his exs ..it just all comes back to me, you know? So I can't forgive him for his stupid mistakes because his mother is rubbing it in my face.

I know I can't control anyone. I'm never possessive or jealous I'm just very soft and I feel a lot more than everyone else.

His mother doesn't even have friendships with any of these women. So I don't understand why the contact with them even exists.

I can really relate to what you said about wanting to share all the 'firsts' with the person you love. I'm 7 years younger than him so I am experiencing all the firsts with him when he has already 'been there and done that.' Like being engaged, for example.

I'm trying really hard to keep busy so I don't think about his past. I'm trying to find ways to help me through it (writing, trying to work on my self-esteem, etc) but nothing is really nipping it in the butt, you know?

Thanks for your post. It really means a lot to me to know there are other people like this too.

Christina:

 

Because of that, I feel very insecure and I want so much to be better than them in every way.

It's understandable how you feel but what some of us is trying to say is that your feelings are overcrowding onto what other people are allowed to feel too. Relatives can be annoying but that doesn't mean you should think that they aren't allowed to do certain things. Of course we all want to be the huge point in someone's life and be a special existence to them, more than anything else. But you have to grow up and understand that every relationship is different. It's like comparing apples to cherries. I'm sure that you are a special person to him, but I'm also sure that you are special in a different way to the other girls he has been with. Not everything can be a competition, especially in this area (you'll just get exhausted from worry). You can't expect him to say and think that any relationship he had before you HAS to be lower than what he has now. Granted he must have had a couple of sucky relationships in the past, but it sounds like he had a few good ones, and you have to accept that there's nothing wrong with that. They were special, but you are ALSO special, in your own way! What you're really doing is comparing yourself to relationships that were different than yours and with girls different from you. Let go of these worries and just do your best to get along with his family and just be you.