is he trying to ease me into "friend zone?"

ENA,

I think I'm having "technical difficulties." Although the signs my ex has been showing all seem to point in the direction that he misses me and wants to get back together, I'm having second thoughts today.

He's calling every day now - first thing in the morning and before he gets off from work. He usually talks to me in the evening as he's closing up the establishment where he works. But definitely every morning he calls around 8:30am or 9ish. Today, while we were talking, he asked me what I'm doing the rest of the week?" I told him I may be going back to Pennsylvania. Then he wanted to know what I've been doing in Philly on the weekends. I told him I've just been riding up there with a few friends and that it's just something to do for now.

He rambled on today about any and every thing. This is how the conversations have been going for the past week or so...work, how rude people have become on the metro system here...motorcycles., etc. Yada Yada Yada - any and everything except ANY thing about the relationship.

Should I go back to NC or would that be too harsh at this point? I'm afraid he's just slyly positioning me into "friend zone." I'm not agreeable to it. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, not giving things time. Maybe he's still feeling me out. I don't know. We talked for a little over an hour and finally I decided to end the conversation. I said "well, I need to get off the phone now because I have some things I need to do." He asked me what I was going to do. I told him I had something on the computer I needed to do. So the convo ended with him saying "okay, baby, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I just don't want to lose balance. I've healed tremendously from this relationship and I don't want to have any relapses. I'm taking things in stride, but I'm also trying to "foresee calamity."

What do you all think?

-Sole

You set the boundaries here. If you don't want to be friends, clarify that. No one here can answer your question. So decide what you want and approach it like that. Or else stay confused.

I'm sorry if that is too direct. We've all been through a breakup before and we know how it hurts. Prolonging the inevitable won't serve you well.

Hi Sole

Too many people on here are afraid of the 'friendzone' and Im really not sure why.

I was terrified too, after my breakup and reading about this so called dreaded 'zone' on ENA. So I would “go NC” so that didn’t happen. The only thing NC did was make things strained between us and bring anger and ‘weirdness’ into everything when we did occasionally talk.

When I acted like everything was fine happy and normal, he would call MORE, wanting to be a part of my great new life. There will be a time to talk about the things he did that hurt you and get angry, AFTER you get him back… well that’s my theory and so far it had worked a charm.

i wont go into detail but my ex is the love of my life. Your story sounds soo familliar to mine after reading this thread, and although I dont know details of your breakup or relationship, it sounds like he is doing what mine initially did.

The way I see it, is if you have any hope of reconciling you NEED to be friends first. They NEED to see you as your happy old self that they fell in love with, not some bitter, angry person who "goes NC" and completely cuts them off. THAT will not work in getting them back. He didn’t fall in love with someone who ‘went NC’, he fell in love with someone he felt comfortable with and could be friends with.,

Realistically, do you call your ‘friends’ that many times a day? Do you call your friends first thing in the morning? He calls YOU then because he is thinking about you when he first wakes up…. Men are simple creatures. My ex (or should I say boyfriend) confessed to me that he thought about me as soon as he woke up, which is why he called me first thing.

I got my ex back when I thought there was no chance in hell we would ever sort our differences.. he left me for another woman (and then realised his mistake) and did exactly what your ex is doing.

Because often when you are stuck in the friendzone, you are still holding on to hope of reconciliation while they are out looking for the next relationship and the pain of hearing them say "I met someone" and expecting yoou to be happy for them is like being kicked in the teeth.

 

Im friends with lots of my exes and I wouldnt want it any other way, but it was usually after a period of time and having fully moved on that we were able to strike a friendship.

But did you ever call your exes who you are friends with first thing in the morning?

I have too much self esteem and self worth to be second fiddle to any woman. If a man leaves me for another woman, he can have her. He is no longer a worthwhile prospect in my mind.

I know I can do better.

You may be able to get your ex back by going into the friendzone, but the odds are heavily weighed against you. The truth is you are lying to yourself about being friends. You are doing it to win them back. I chose not to play these type of games and find out up front what the ex's intentions are of all these calls, so that I can make a decision that is best for me and my heart.

Hi Maria2216,

I understand what you're saying about the friend zone. I agree that NC is not always the answer. For my situation, it only served to make my ex feel as if I was being hostile. This contradicted all other actions, like when I sent him the short letter indicating I understood his request for space, that it was for the best and that actually we BOTH needed space. The day after he asked for space, he called and has never stopped. Later, when I stopped taking his calls, he would text me. About a month ago, he called complaining that his text message rate had gone up and that he was going to have to cut out texting. That's when he started calling me almost every day which is where we are now.

We've been friends practically all our lives...like family...our families were very close back then, and our friendship remained that way even though we were miles apart at one time. We've always been bonded/connected. When we were teenagers, he had an accident that was life-threatening because we were both pranksters - I feel it was my fault - but that accident forged our bond/connection. He was like my little brother back then and if I had lost him, I don't know what I would've done. His Mother has always told me that he feels a strong bond with me. When I had gone NC, she told me he didn't understand why I was being hostile toward him. Not answering his calls, not returning his calls was considered hostile on my part. That's when I knew I had to change my strategy a bit - so I went to limited contact which still allowed me to continue to heal.

I appreciate your point about the phone calls. One evening about a week ago, we were talking on the phone and he made a statement about pictures of me that he had gotten when he went home to NC about 6 months ago. These were pictures of me when we were teenagers and some of when we were young adults. His grandmother and mother had kept the pictures for him and he retrieved them.

I could be wrong, but I don't think a guy who has a girl friend-zoned would necessarily need or want pictures of her around. The way he referenced my pictures was evidence that he looks at them often.

I'm confident that what WE have, he will never share or be able to experience with any other woman in his lifetime. He's never been able to relate to any other woman as he relates to me - his own admission.

I agree that I need to be that carefree, happy person he fell in love with - not one whose worry is "where is this going?" or "what do you want from me?" He fell in love with me when I didn't even have a clue he wanted me...when we were young adults. Needless to say, my mind was not on "getting him back" during that time." Now I know I need to get back to that 'place.'

I do believe his actions are showing what he's thinking, and like you, I don't believe a man calls or thinks about someone who's just a friend every morning after waking up and every evening before leaving work.

While I believe in it for healing, I agree that some people take the NC strategy too far and even out of context.

Thanks for your insight.

-Sole

I have too much self esteem and self worth to be second fiddle to any woman. If a man leaves me for another woman, he can have her. He is no longer a worthwhile prospect in my mind.

 

I know I can do better.

it was the greatest thing that happened to our relationship - because it made him realise how good he had it with me...rather than just 'be single' and not experience what * * * * there is out there!

I guess mine is a rare case in many aspects.

I posted on another thread about friend zone, our twilight zone! It is a difficult one, but as JeffC said you can only truly be friends if you have both moved on from the relationship. If one person has aspirations of getting back together, getting married, etc. and the other doesnt a friendship will be difficult.

I went NC for a while and then we got back in contact as we both felt it wasnt the end of the line for us, but for my own sanity I had to make it clear that I'm not looking for a friendship that our contact is to keep in touch about how we're doing and our feelings on our situation (its not all serious relationship talk though!). If friends is all we are meant to be we will both need time apart to move on and accept that.

This works for me (for now), but may be different for your situation. He seems to be in contact alot but you have to be sure you're not being kept there as a safety net.

it was the greatest thing that happened to our relationship - because it made him realise how good he had it with me...rather than just 'be single' and not experience what * * * * there is out there!

 

I guess mine is a rare case in many aspects.

He did it once and you took him back. There was no lesson learned here. You taught him that he can disrespect you and you'll fight for him.

no thanks, not for me.

He did it once and you took him back. There was no lesson learned here. You taught him that he can disrespect you and you'll fight for him.

no thanks, not for me.

Uncomfynumb, KUDOS! to you for not settling for second best.

Maria2216, Did I miss something? I didn't get anywhere in your post that you settled for second best or was disrespected by your ex while remaining friends with him. So, when you said you remained friends with your ex, I'm taking it you meant you were civil or "friendly" when he called you and not hostile or angry? Not "friendly" as in a friend/doormat type position. Correct?

My reason for asking is because my ex never stopped calling me. Actually, the next morning, he called according to schedule, and never stopped until I stressed that we both needed space. In doing that, I actually turned it all around and got my power back and went NC from there for awhile. NC regained my power. But it pulled him back slowly over the months that followed. Finally, a few weeks ago, he asked to see me. Tuesday, I could hear the disappointment in his voice when I sent him a text and he realized I was already halfway home (over 40 miles away). He wanted to know why I didn't call him.

My gut is not that he's friend-zoning me, but something isn't right. But maybe it's within my viewpoint and not what is actually taking place. I'm just not a very patient person. Time to get busy with other things as I had been before our lunch meeting.

-Sole

Uncomfynumb - Interesting look at things and i guess you are right to an extent, but I dont generally view things like that or as pointscoring. Im an optimist by nature so yes I see your point, but believe I am the better person for holding my head high and not letting him see he had affected me.

Sole - Correct. I never settled for second best. I spent the most difficult 8 months of my life fighting so goddamn hard for him!

We werent "friends' by any means, however I was always polite and positive when he called. I might stress that I NEVER initiated contact with him (I have too much pride for that) and NEVER let on that I missed him or anything like that. I used positive words if our relationship was ever brought up, such as "oh, Im sure she suits your needs better than I must have" or after they had broken up "Dont worry, you are a good person and you will find someone else" other signs that I was moving on (In truth it absolutely KILLED me talking like that.)

Other times I told him that it was best we didnt speak as much as we both needed to move on, or if he asked my opinion about something I would give him a brief overview, and then say something like "but Im not part of your life anymore so my opinion is irrelevant"

You need to get busy with your new 'life'. Dont laugh, but I used to make lists of all the great things I had been doing (some exaggerated), so that when/if he called, I had heaps of things to say, even though I was dying of depression on the inside.

If it is moving too slowly for you, when he does call keep it very short and sweet, make sure YOU always end the call (because you have so many great things going on that you dont have time to speak).

One thing that I also said to my ex was that he needed to stop calling me, because by breaking up with me he had decided that he didnt want me as part of his life... that always kills them!!!

My best advice would be:

DONT be negative - there will be a time to talk about how hurt you were AFTER you reconcile (and I think you will). This really does only just push them away and make them feel pressured.

DONT bring up the relationship unless its as I advised earlier ( i noticed that every time I brought up the relationship the phone calls dropped off)

PRETEND you are totally cool with everything

DONT initiate contact - let HIM come to you, remnember he has to prove that he wants to be there... and this will start by his attempts at contact.

Be nice, not too nice but civil.

One other point I will stress

IT REALLY DOES TAKE TIME. In my case, around 9 months.. after the hurt has dissipated and there isnt as much anger there... if you reconcile too soon I think that the issues that were present at the breakup will be unresolved.

One other point I will stress

 

IT REALLY DOES TAKE TIME. In my case, around 9 months.. after the hurt has dissipated and there isnt as much anger there... if you reconcile too soon I think that the issues that were present at the breakup will be unresolved.

You're right. It has taken my ex about 6 months to begin asking to see me or to say he wants to see me. (We broke up in January 2010) When he asked me to meet him for lunch and said he didn't want to have to take "no" for an answer - I was shocked.

Immediately after the breakup, his phone calls further encouraged me to continue NC, but at a point I got agitated at his continued calls and I wrote him a letter telling him I respected his request for space and needed him to likewise respect my need for space in order to move on with my life. I think he made it 3 days without calling....never stopped since. For the first 2-3 months, I let his calls go into voicemail. He always needed to talk to me or wanted to talk to me. Finally, when I went ENC and occasionally returned his call, he would ask me why I never call him?

Are we twins? We've used similar strategies in moving on after the breakup. Moving on and always sounding happy and busy is what kept my ex calling also. He calls and will stay on the phone for an hour or so if I don't cut the convo short. But I eventually say I have to go. He'll ask me what I'm going to do when I get off the phone and I'll say I'm getting ready to go somewhere or I'll just say it's time for "me-time" - letting him know my needs are firstplace.