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Thread: Sometimes I feel like I'm my boyfriend's mom...

  1. #1
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    Sometimes I feel like I'm my boyfriend's mom...

    He is a hard worker, treats me really well and is extremely responsible financially. He is very responsible in general with everything in his life (takes good care of his car/computer, pays all his bills on time, works really hard at his job, saves a lot of money). In this way, he is very mature.

    We've been together for a year and are moving in together. I love him and I really see him as the person I want to spend my life with. He would do anything to make me happy. But there is something about him that really bothers me.

    He can be young and immature. I love that he can be silly, but I don't like that he often doesn't take control of situations. Sometimes he just acts like a kid, I can't really explain what I mean, but he just acts like a kid... and its hard for me to see him as a grown man, which makes me feel less attracted to him even though he is very good looking. And to be honest, it kind of annoys me because I feel like I have to be the strong one all the time, the one who makes the decisions, plans everything and be depended on.

    I just want him to step up, be in charge, make me feel like he's my rock. I want to feel like he's the strong one. I feel like I'm the one who has to take control.

    We are both in our mid-twenties, but he is the youngest guy I've ever dated. My two previous boyfriends were 10 and 11 years older than me, so maybe I am just used to that. I've pretty much been on my own for a while... he just moved out on his own shortly before we met. I am extremely mature for my age.

    Lately, I have had some emotional problems and when this happens, when I start stupid fights or freak out, he really steps up and makes me feel protected and taken care of. Honestly, this is when I feel the closest to him and when I feel like he can be strong for me; but I can't just start fights all the time.

    I don't want him to be something he's not; but when I break down, I find he is more than capable of taking over and being strong for me. Maybe its just a matter of me making a conscious effort to depend on him more.

    I just don't want to feel like his mom. I don't want to feel like I'm wearing the pants. I want to feel that I'm with an equal.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarina12 View Post
    He is a hard worker, treats me really well and is extremely responsible financially. He is very responsible in general with everything in his life (takes good care of his car/computer, pays all his bills on time, works really hard at his job, saves a lot of money). In this way, he is very mature.

    We've been together for a year and are moving in together. I love him and I really see him as the person I want to spend my life with. He would do anything to make me happy. But there is something about him that really bothers me.

    He can be young and immature. I love that he can be silly, but I don't like that he often doesn't take control of situations. Sometimes he just acts like a kid, I can't really explain what I mean, but he just acts like a kid... and its hard for me to see him as a grown man, which makes me feel less attracted to him even though he is very good looking. And to be honest, it kind of annoys me because I feel like I have to be the strong one all the time, the one who makes the decisions, plans everything and be depended on.

    I just want him to step up, be in charge, make me feel like he's my rock. I want to feel like he's the strong one. I feel like I'm the one who has to take control.

    We are both in our mid-twenties, but he is the youngest guy I've ever dated. My two previous boyfriends were 10 and 11 years older than me, so maybe I am just used to that. I've pretty much been on my own for a while... he just moved out on his own shortly before we met. I am extremely mature for my age.

    Lately, I have had some emotional problems and when this happens, when I start stupid fights or freak out, he really steps up and makes me feel protected and taken care of. Honestly, this is when I feel the closest to him and when I feel like he can be strong for me; but I can't just start fights all the time.

    I don't want him to be something he's not; but when I break down, I find he is more than capable of taking over and being strong for me. Maybe its just a matter of me making a conscious effort to depend on him more.

    I just don't want to feel like his mom. I don't want to feel like I'm wearing the pants. I want to feel that I'm with an equal.
    Well...a lot of people on this board who say they are "mature beyond their years" or "for their age" usually are not as mature as they think. No offense, but there are a lot of young gals that are mature as far as they are very intelligent/book smart. They also might be more advanced than other people that age because they have a philosophical way at looking things. However, when you mention that you start "stupid fights" and have "freak outs" - that speaks to emotional maturity. It happens to us all - and you may be more mature than your friends, but if you are starting stupid fights that aren't about anything with substance, you may think you have "everything figured out" but you have some maturing to do as well. He may be less mature in the way you want him to be, but even though you have moved out, you have some tweaks to do too or can't really hold it against him that he has moments of immaturity.

    I think that you have to take people for what they are. Someone who is not a "rock" might grow into one or just may not have that in them. Some men and women are "rocks" and people who are even distant friends call on them for their solid, steady, advice-laden approach. Some people are the type that keep people who are "rocks" from being not to serious. And there is everything in between.

    I suggest that you not move in with him at this point. Let him live alone or with a roommate like he is right now and give him time to handle a household and be faced with different mundane "taking care of oneself decisions" like you were faced with. It will change his life experience level. However, if he is a jokester, he may always be a jokester. But maybe that lightens you up. Or he may handle emotional issues in an immature way forever, you just don't know. Moving in together should not be done lightly and is not a right of passage -ie,e "okay, we;ve been dating a year, its time to move in.

    Take people for who they are - you can't mold them into who you want them to be. You can only react to how they are. If you 'expect" them to change you will be unhappy.

    Anyway - bottom line - you are BOTh young. Give him time to be on his own a bit. Don't automatically plan to move in and get upset when he's not on the same 2 year plan as you. Get a female roommate for now to save money, etc, rather than being totally alone. Cut yourself - and him - a little slack and if he doesn't work out to be "the one" - then you'll know in time But in the meantime - stop being his mother. If you clean up after his emotional and physical messes, you will find - like you suspect that you can relinquish the role. He doesn't seem to be looking for someone to parent him.

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    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
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    Can you give us some specific examples?

    It sounds like you want to be taken care of. This is why you gravitate to older men. But, a healthy relationship should be balanced.

    Need more information.

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    Well, you're definitely right about one thing: starting fights is a very bad way to get the attention that you seek.
    Have you tried openly talking to him about your feelings, and telling him what your needs and wants are in the relationship?
    To me it sounds like maybe you should date a bit longer, and work on your communication skills before trying to move in together.

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    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken View Post
    However, when you mention that you start "stupid fights" and have "freak outs" - that speaks to emotional maturity. It happens to us all - and you may be more mature than your friends, but if you are starting stupid fights that aren't about anything with substance, you may think you have "everything figured out" but you have some maturing to do as well.
    I agree with this too. Seems like you want him to constantly "step up for you" even when there is nothing to "step up for". Don't create situations just so he can be constantly proving himself to you.

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    I totally understand!

    It's not a nice feeling. It's normal for a woman to want to feel protected and taken care of in equal measure, but when it's you taking care all the time, it's not fair and it's not a nice feeling. This is probably due to the fact that he has just moved out of home. He has been looked after by his mum and dad and not had a chance to be self-sufficient.

    My ex-boyfriend was the same, but if you add that he was very spoilt with it and bossy and also very, very irresponsible with money, it was a nightmare, but then on the other hand he was very much in love with me but he was very needy in all ways. Well basically, I fell totally out of love with him and even after sex, he would giggle like a little boy sometimes as if he had just been given some treats/sweets and that actually made me feel a bit sick sometimes.

    I'm not sure how to go about this problem tbh.

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    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    In what way do you feel he is not stepping up to the plate. Does he not ask you out and plan outings and dates? A relationship is a partnership so I am not quite sure why you think you are doing too much. Having freak out sessions where you pick silly fights is not exactly a mature thing to do on your part..so when you say he steps up to plate when you have these emotional meltdowns what do you mean? Do you mean he caves in to your demands because of your freak-outs?

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    Gold Member I_Speak_Jive's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarina12 View Post
    I am extremely mature for my age.

    Lately, I have had some emotional problems and when this happens, when I start stupid fights or freak out...
    Umh. If this is what passes for extreme maturity for your age, you are either 5 years old or one of the 90 percent of people who rate themselves as "above average" in polls.

    Maturity means zero stupid fights or freakouts. Yes. even if you are a girl. I have a girl friend who is outraged that everyone tiptoes around her at work because she "only cried once in a meeting". I had to explain to her that yep, that one time will do it.

    Maturity also means not to expect rocks in shining armor and white horses indulging someone's princessy fantasies. Of course, maybe he *is* as infantiloid as you say, in which case that's not good. If he throws tantrums because he wants ice-cream before dinner, or needs to pee immediately after you get him into the car... then a good smack in the bottom and no TV for a week should do the trick.
    I made this happen in my artistic ability.

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    I don't just start stupid fights. Usually, I've had a lousy day at work because I work for someone who belittles me and makes me feel bad, so I get irritable and just in a bad mood. Or when I am afraid of bad things happening because I'm not good enough or I'm afraid that all our hard work will somehow not help us, he finds a way to make me feel like its ok, I don't have to worry so much.

    I guess I just feel like I'm always the one making plans, decisions and getting things done. I did all the apartment hunting, all of the appointment setting and then scheduled the movers. I found his apartment for him a year ago and the day before he hadn't even scheduled a rental truck.

    It's little things, mostly, like he's always asking me to hold on to things so he doesn't lose them... and then when he can't find them he calls me frantically. I also wish sometimes he would take over and not depend on me to make all of our plans. The only time he makes plans is when there is something he really wants to do (a movie he has been looking forward to) or he wants us to hang out with his friends; and even then, he won't go unless I go with (which annoys his friends... none of them have girlfriends). Occasionally, he will say "no, I want to do this, instead" when I suggest something but its never "lets go do this on saturday".

    Most of the time whenever we go somewhere new, he doesn't even know how to get there... he'll just rely on me to find directions and information (parking, when it opens). One time he called me at work because he couldn't find the bank he was looking for. He had been living here almost a year when we met, so at this point, he's been living here for two years. I know he's capable of looking these things up, or doing research on things. He went to buy me a gift for my birthday and it was a beautiful piece of jewelry... it was so incredibly sweet and he obviously went out of his way and found the jewelry store himself. But he never does this when I'm with him.

    I know these are petty complaints, but they honestly sometimes interfere with my attraction to him. It's emotionally difficult for me to constantly feel like I'm being depended on. I have to be so strong all the time, sometimes I just wish I could have moments with him... moments where I'm not upset and he's playing damage control... when I can just relax and let him take care of things, take charge.

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    Honestly, I think some of the problems you have with him or understandable but are petty overall.

    A relationship will not and cannot be perfect. There are always "flaws" or "issues" that we may have to either tolerate or get over, if overall the person is a good loving partner with more good attributes for US than bad.

    I think in this case you have to consider that he has a ton of good things about him: responsible, financially capable, hard-working, caring, loving, etc. His bad points: child-like, relies on you a bit more than you'd like, has a hard time staying on top of minor things.

    You can have a talk with him and tell him how you *really* feel. Be honest. Let him know that you'd like for him to take more control of these things. Have a heart to heart.

    In the meantime, you also need to realize that there are probably things that he doesn't really find great about you such as your nitpicking and the pettiness. You both have to understand that there will always be something that we don't necessarily like about our partner, but overall it seems as though you love him and that he's responsible. So I think you're making a big deal about this, when all you need to do is tell him how you feel and learn to accept him just the way he is.

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