Being "propositioned" by married men (or women)

[sophie274]

Have any of you had this happen to you, and how did it make you feel?

This just happened to me for the second time in my life - a married man I met where I am studying was sending me inappropriate text messages basically fishing to "have an affair" with me. To be honest, it really upset me. First of all, it always makes me sad to hear of people cheating on their spouses, and it shakes a bit of my faith in the basic goodness of human beings. And secondly, I just felt so disrespected and dirty, insulted that he would think I would ever do that kind of thing.

This happened to me before, when I was 19 and he was 40 years old and I had a long-time boyfriend and has just planned a babyshower for his heavily pregnant wife. It was a bit of a traumatic experience for me - I had a panic attack actually. I just felt so disrespected. I wanted to throw up - especially since he first tried to discredit me by saying I was crazy and imagining things (he said explicitly sexual things to me so there was no room for misinterpretation) and saying I had been hitting on him (categorically untrue).

Anyway, I talked to someone about this and she felt surprised that both of these incidents really upset me. So I'm curious if anyone has had the same experience, or wants to share their experience with this sort of situation.

[DN]

The sad fact is that there are creeps and betrayers in the world who have no sense of morals and ethics. Just as people will steal money others will try to steal sposes. Just as people will betray their friends or country, others will betray their spouse.

[sophie274]

The sad fact is that there are creeps and betrayers in the world who have no sense of morals and ethics. Just as people will steal money others will try to steal spouses. Just as people will betray their friends or country, others will betray their spouse.

Yes unfortunately. I just hate that they picked ME - I worry that it says something about me, or that I seem like the type of person to do that sort of thing. Someone said perhaps it's because they think I am naive or innocent.

Twice in three years isn't so often, I guess, but then again I rarely socialize with married men/women because of my age.

[DN]

No, it's nothing to do with you. This is totally about them.

[arwen]

Yes, it happened to me when I was studying. I was out with a group of friends from a friend, and one of the girls brought her bf along. That bf spent the entire night hitting on me, practically in front of her (but secretly enough that she didn't really notice).

I was SO embarrassed! I did nothing to trigger this, of course we were out and I was dressed up, but really not overly sexy (boot cut jeans, spaghetti top, I even remember today and it's 10 years ago ).

DN is right, this is NOT you. It tells everything about them though. Urgh. Ignore the text!!!

[wheatgrass82]

that would upset me in exactly the same way hey .. i've been in similar situations and i remember i told him exactly what i thouoght

[lavenderdove]

Sophie, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the character of the married guy.

I've had this happen, and married guys who randomly hit on women are doing just that... randomly hitting on any and any woman they find attractive. They're playing a numbers game. If they hit on 20 women, maybe one will take them up on it, another woman without morals or a woman who is weak or naive enough to think the guy is looking for love and not just a roll under the the covers.

These type of men know they're married and a lot of women will say no, so they just hit on a lot of women until one says yes! And in many ways, they aren't THAT picky because they know they're just using the woman for sex and nothing else, so they just strictly look for any woman who is sexually attractive to them and hit on them in hopes they'll say yes.

But i do know how you feel though, like you've been slimed. That's because you have morals and bond with people and are outraged that someone would betray such a bond. But 5% of the population are sociopaths who don't bond with anybody and just try to take what they want, so they're huge cheaters. That's one out of 20 people, and they're out there trolling for anything they can get. And there are lots more who are 'normal' but didn't develop proper morals, those who were very spoiled as kids and think they are entitled to anything you want even if they have to cheat to get it when bored or angry at their wives.

So you add that up, and unfortunately that makes for a lot of cheaters. It doesn't mean EVERYONE is a cheater, because there are plenty of good guys with morals who would never cheat in the same way you wouldn't. You just have to be careful and weed out the sociopaths and people without morals, but there are usually other clues in their lives that expose them if you get close enough and date for a while.

[MissyM]

It happened to me and I'm ashamed to say that I was extremely flattered by the attention at the time and considered an affair. As above I figured I would be no more than a notch on the bed post but I was vulnerable at the time. Nothing happened in the end but I have heard since that his wife finally came to her senses and left him (after numerous affairs).

I cheated on my last partner and although I know no one will understand but I do not consider myself a bad person, a slime or a sociopath. I think I just craved attention which I couldn't get from my partner and so in that respect I guess you could call me a coward for not ending the previous relationship before starting a new one. One thing you should know is not every person who cheats is laughing at the person they are cheating on. I almost had a nervous breakdown and felt completely out of control with life. I will never forgive myself for what I did to my ex but I know that I am better off in my new relationship and in turn my ex is no doubt much better off with someone who can be faithful to him and not want anything more.

[lostandhurt]

It has happened to me several times and a few times friends wives sniffing around looking for something. I just played it off, even with my friends wives. I know what they wanted but I never allowed it to go there and steered them towards a helpful conversation so they wouldn't try it with someone else.
I never told any of my friends although I kept a close eye on their wives to make sure they stayed true.
It is nice that someone else finds you desirable but it isn't real. What happened to you is only as worse as you allow it to be. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking is the sign of good character, honesty and respect.

Lost

[Batya33]

It happened to me a few times and when it happened at work it scared me, actually because I also learned that he had acted violently towards one of his (female) bosses. I thought about whether I prompted that attention and concluded that I hadn't, in any way. Please don't blame yourself - you were the victim in my opinion.