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Help with Snooping Girlfriend


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I need some advice about a sticky situation involving my girlfriend snooping through my emails. * I had suspected for awhile that she had been looking at my phone and going through my emails on my phone if I wasn’t around, and this morning I saw her doing it, though she didn’t see me. * I haven’t confronted her yet about it, but I’m very hurt and it’s hard for me to even look at her and speak to her normally now.

 

My gf has always been a bit insecure—she says it stems from having been cheated on in her two prior relationships. * But part of the reason I think that she decided to snoop through my phone is because I have a close female friend (an ex-coworker) who I’ve known for a long time and who I truly consider one of my closest friends. * I talk to my friend on an almost daily basis about a variety of issues because we worked together for a long time (and still work in the same industry) and share the same circle of mutual friends. * I also talk about my girlfriend and how the relationship is going with my friend, get advice from her if there are problems, etc. * My friend has a boyfriend and also shares things about her relationship with me. * There has never been any sexual tension between me and my friend, and nothing has ever happened between us even though we have been both single and in relationships during the time we’ve known each other.

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My gf has told me that she has a problem with my friend and how close we are. * She doesn’t like that we talk every day, and though we haven’t discussed it, I know she wouldn’t like that I talk about our relationship with my friend. * But I don’t see my relationship with my friend as inappropriate in any way. * I am fairly certain that my gf’s snooping comes from wanting to know what my friend and I say to each other. * It’s gotten to the point where I’ve started deleting emails because I don’t feel they’re for my gf’s eyes and I know she’s snooping around trying to find something.

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Should I confront my girlfriend about this? * Or just change the password on my email and hope she gets the message when she can’t get in anymore? * I know that if I confront her, it’s going to turn into a big discussion about how she doesn’t like my relationship with my friend and she feels that we talk too much.

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Well if you change your password she is going to think that you are hiding something so it's probably a lose lose situation for you. You do need to speak to her about it though and you don't even have to be nasty about it. You can casually tell her that you observed her going through your emails and you would be more than happy to answer any questions she may have about your friendship with the other person.

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No I wouldnt change the password yet. First, I'd call her ass on it. I've poked through my SO's phones before, but I did it sitting right there in front of them. lol The secret snooping and sneaking around is a little creepy. So, I'd call her on it. "hey, I saw you snooping in my phone...did you find what you were looking for? I hope so, because I'm changing the password today, so it will be the last snooping you do. If you want to know something, ask me."

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In a sense though I am hiding something. That’s the argument/discussion that I don’t really want to get into and I know that’s how she’ll frame it. I’m hiding something in that I don’t want her to read my private communications to my friends, no matter which friend, and especially not ones where I’m discussing her or our relationship and getting feedback from others. Certainly not through her violating my privacy like this.

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I don't see your behavior as hiding anything. I just see it as trying to enforce your right to your privacy. Your concerns are perfectly legitimate, and your girlfriend's trust issues stemming from other relationships are no excuse for snooping around.

 

How long have the two of you been dating? Has she met this ex-coworker friend of yours?

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In a sense though I am hiding something. That’s the argument/discussion that I don’t really want to get into and I know that’s how she’ll frame it. I’m hiding something in that I don’t want her to read my private communications to my friends, no matter which friend, and especially not ones where I’m discussing her or our relationship and getting feedback from others. Certainly not through her violating my privacy like this.

 

Don't fall for her argument. There is a world of difference between hiding something specific, and simply asserting a general right to privacy. You're doing the latter, not the former. She should know after her latest batch of snooping that you are not actually doing anything untoward, either with this close femal friend or anyone else. There's the proof that you're not cheating, and those things were written before you actually saw her snooping, so you can argue that they weren't even edited for her benefit. After establishing that you're not doing anything wrong, you can then say that you now want your privacy respected. Having private correspondence doesn't mean that there's anything secret in it, it just means that you would like some privacy and the sense of not constantly being monitored. Turn it around on her and tell her that you find her lack of trust in you, as shown by her desire to constantly monitor you, extremely disturbing, given that you've done nothing wrong. Sell it as her opportunity to show that believes you're not a bad guy. If she doesn't want to take that opportunity, then you might need to reconsider the relationship.

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I don't see your behavior as hiding anything. I just see it as trying to enforce your right to your privacy. Your concerns are perfectly legitimate, and your girlfriend's trust issues stemming from other relationships are no excuse for snooping around.

 

How long have the two of you been dating? Has she met this ex-coworker friend of yours?

 

My girlfriend and I have been together about a year. My friend and I have known each other for 5 years and work in the same industry and share many mutual friends, so there are lots of things that I talk with her about that I don’t really talk to my girlfriend about because she doesn’t really have all the background and I don’t think she’d find it interesting. My gf has sort of indicated that she has a problem with me talking to another girl about things I don’t really share with her.

 

My gf has met my friend a number of times. My gf and I have gotten into an argument in the past, because she has said that she feels like my friend tries to assert ownership over me when they’re together by making clear that she’s known me longer. My gf does have a fair point, and I’ve talked to my friend about it, but I also think my gf is looking for problems where there are none, just because she’s not comfortable with my being so close to a female friend and talking on a daily basis, etc. Her snooping, I think, is her desire to find out how close our relationship is. I think it’s this more than that she suspects that I’m actually cheating on her.

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I don't see your behavior as hiding anything. I just see it as trying to enforce your right to your privacy. Your concerns are perfectly legitimate, and your girlfriend's trust issues stemming from other relationships are no excuse for snooping around.

 

How long have the two of you been dating? Has she met this ex-coworker friend of yours?

 

Also, the other problem I’m having trouble coming to terms with is that if the situation were flipped, I would not be pleased if I saw that she was asking a male friend for advice about how to handle problems with me, arguments we’ve had, etc. But at the end of the day, I believe that at the end of the day, people should be free to share what they want with their friends, even if their SO or other friends or whoever wouldn’t be happy to hear it. And that’s why I don’t go snooping through her emails with her friends—because that’s something she’s entitled to have to discuss what she wants, and I trust her to make sure her conversations are appropriate.

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It's somewhat of a double standard to say you'd be unhappy if she was going to a male friend for relationship advice, but then get angry when she's uncomfortable about you doing pretty much the same thing - even if she doesn't implicitly know that's what you're doing, she's probably guessed if you're 'close friends' then you must discuss her sometimes.

 

The fact that you also say that you feel you're hiding things strikes me as a problem. If you really felt you were doing nothing wrong, I don't believe you'd feel guilt over this.

 

If you're confiding in your female friend, maybe it is affecting your emotional relationship with your girlfriend. Emotional cheating tends to start that way (I'm not implying that you're doing that), with someone putting more energy into their emotional relationship with someone else rather than their partner. Maybe you should assess whether you're on the brink of doing that. Make sure you're really guilt-free here before you leap on her with anger.

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I think if you're discussing relationship issues with someone else and not then going back and sorting them out with your partner, you're doing something wrong.

 

I also think snooping is inherently wrong.

 

I think your girlfriend needs to back off on your friendship with this other woman and I think you should avoid talking so much about your relationship with this other woman. If you need to talk, talk to your girlfriend.

 

I think you need to communicate better and more effectively with your girlfriend and tell her you find her behavior mistrusting, inappropriate, and disrespectful, and you're starting to resent her unjustified actions.

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Since when is it wrong to discuss your relationship with a friend? Is that not what most people do on ENA, discuss their relationship with total strangers. And I am sure that not all of their partners read the posts and that posters would not feel happy about it if it was the case.

 

Snooping is a breach of trust for me and totally unacceptable, whatever the motivation behind it is.

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Thanks, HouseKitten, I do see your points. But just because I would get upset or be bothered by something doesn’t mean that it’s reasonable for me to feel that way. I think it’s a natural human reaction to be uncomfortable with other people discussing you and problems involving you, but that doesn’t mean that it’s unreasonable for a SO to do that with their friends, and that’s sort of the very reason why those communications aren’t for your eyes.. Or that it gives you a right to stop it or get angry if you’ve been snooping around.

 

I have always been very aware of the emotional cheating issue. I don’t think that I put more emotional energy into my relationship with my friend than with my girlfriend. It’s just that there are certain subjects that are more natural to discuss with my friend, because of the history and commonalities that we share.

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Thanks, HouseKitten, I do see your points. But just because I would get upset or be bothered by something doesn’t mean that it’s reasonable for me to feel that way. I think it’s a natural human reaction to be uncomfortable with other people discussing you and problems involving you, but that doesn’t mean that it’s unreasonable for a SO to do that with their friends, and that’s sort of the very reason why those communications aren’t for your eyes.. Or that it gives you a right to stop it or get angry if you’ve been snooping around.

 

I agree that it does not give her the right to snoop. I'm feeling that there's more to this topic though than just 'she shouldn't have looked'.

 

I have always been very aware of the emotional cheating issue. I don’t think that I put more emotional energy into my relationship with my friend than with my girlfriend. It’s just that there are certain subjects that are more natural to discuss with my friend, because of the history and commonalities that we share.

 

I do agree with you and other posters that it's reasonable to discuss your relationship with your friends. Everyone does it, I do, I'm sure my boyfriend does and I don't mind, that's up to him.

 

However. If he had a female friend who he described as being 'close' to and tended to meet her alone to talk things over, that would get my back up. I realise it's often viewed as ridiculous to not care what is said to a male friend but care very much what is said to a female friend. But, as I brought up before, starting to confide more and more in a friend rather than your partner is where emotional cheating can begin. I know it happens, I've experienced it. It's a very easy slope to slide down without even realising you've begun. The worry of this happening is just not there with a guy and his male friends.

 

But to be fair to the topic, I personally don't believe in close female/male friendships except under very specific circumstances. So my view on this is biased by my own beliefs and I do recognise that for other people, this is not an issue at all.

 

Obviously you can't exactly just cut your friend out all of a sudden. But have you thought about maybe going out as a foursome a few times so your girlfriend can meet her and see that there's no chemistry between the two of you? It might make her feel better if she can actually observe you managing a completely platonic opposite sex friendship - because I do know it can be difficult to believe such a thing is really possible.

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I think discussing relationship problems with a close friend is a breach of trust! things I share with SO, I expect will remain within us. especially since YOUR friend isn't her friend, your friend's opinion of your gf will be totally biased depending on what you tell her.

 

at least on the internet, nobody knows either of you and you will receive objective opinions.

 

definitely have a talk with her. set some boundaries, for BOTH of you. maybe you need to stop talking about her with your friend, and she definitely needs to stop snooping. but then again, if you feel like you have something to hide.... hmm. personally I don't like relationships with these 'spaces'. privacy, sure, but not an instance where you have a closer friend (male OR female) than your gf, and tell the friend more about your gf than the other way around. however I understand some relationships are just like that, where husband & wife are just not best friends, and they both have their own best friends. but in my opinion, the greatest relationship is where your SO is your best friend--you can share everything with your SO and get support from them, discuss things openly, and never feel like hiding anything.

 

 

I have my bf's password but I never go into his accounts behind his back. I always ask first, let him know; but he'd always let me in too, anytime. we have nothing to hide from each other! if I talked about him with a close friend, I'd always tell him about it afterwards too (so if there's a problem, we can fix it). what's the point otherwise?? anyway, generally I avoid discussing intimate details of our relationship with friends, especially friends who know me better than him. I feel it's rude.

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I don't think discussing your relationship with a friend is a breach of trust. I think for many people it's very healthy to have someone to discuss certain things with outside of the relationship. Different people have different styles though. I have friends that are very tight-lipped about their relationships and friends that like a lot of feedback from other people they are close too, and both styles are ok.

 

Anyway, your girlfriend is being ridiculous. It's her jealousy that's the problem, and not your friendship with your female friend. Jealousy can ruin everything. She needs to get this in check asap, although it might be hard for her to recognize the issues she's creating. Has her insecurity become a problem in any other ways yet?

 

I would be slightly uncomfortable if my bf had a close female friend because I think I tend towards insecurity in that way (even without being cheated on in the past) so I understand why she feels vulnerable. BUT she has no right to repeatedly violate your privacy. She should learn to accept it and stop focusing on it as a male-female bond that she needs to compete with and check up on, and start seeing it as any other friendship, because from what you've described there's nothing more going on there. Your part can be to help put her mind at ease wherever possible and stress that this is no more threatening than if it were a friendship with a male.

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I have always been a huge snooper in my bfs personal things (mostly because I have REASONS to not trust him) but here is some advice from her side of things. Take it easy on her, dont get mad at her..it wont help. You DO need to talk to her about it and let her tell you WHY she is doing this. And if it IS becuase of your co-worker friend maybe allowing them to meet and get to know each other might make her feel more secure about it and show her that you really have nothing to hide.

 

Biut like I said take it easy on her. Shes not doing it to hurt you....shes doing it becuase she is hurting and has insecurities. Work on those insecurities with her.

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I have always been a huge snooper in my bfs personal things (mostly because I have REASONS to not trust him) but here is some advice from her side of things. Take it easy on her, dont get mad at her..it wont help. You DO need to talk to her about it and let her tell you WHY she is doing this. And if it IS becuase of your co-worker friend maybe allowing them to meet and get to know each other might make her feel more secure about it and show her that you really have nothing to hide.

 

Biut like I said take it easy on her. Shes not doing it to hurt you....shes doing it becuase she is hurting and has insecurities. Work on those insecurities with her.

 

Only she can fix those. And only you can too.

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I also think that the fact that you are discussing things about your relationship with a female friend gives more cause for concern than if you were discussing things with male friends.

 

Also when a lot of the relationship is discussed with friends, these friends only get to hear one side of the story and then in a lot of cases, these friends start to form negative opinions about your partner which starts to drive a wedge in the relationship. I also think that a lot of the time, the friend will side with you.

 

More negativity comes as a result of this and the person conducting the discussions, which in this case is you, begins to have doubts about the relationship.

 

I'm guessing that what you are discussing are not really positive things. Have you also talked about whatever you discuss with your girlfriend?

 

And the fact that you said you would be uncomfortable if it were the other way around should give you some understanding of why this is making her feel so uncomfortable.

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I am not saying her snooping is right...but it means she thinks something is "off" in your relationship.

 

From experience..this "confiding" starts emotional affairs which lead to physical ones and I think you feeling a little guilty means you kinda already know it is wrong. I figure your gf can sense the guilt and therefore is snooping.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just a couple things...

 

The outside advice is sometimes useful, but its always well to keep in mind that not everyone has your best interests, and best interests as a couple at heart. (I'm not saying that it is always a conscious, or malicious thing; it doesn't have to be, but that we all bring certain prejudices, experiences both good, and bad into that conversation, and the person you are talking to is only hearing one side of the story. This has a tendency to generate more "leave", and "echo chamber" type advice than how to meaningfully fix, and work on the problem type advice.)

 

In that situation I would simply create a new mail account that is web based, and access it with private browsing mode for those conversations with her. Gmail has a lot of nice features for that. DO NOT store the password on your computer, and only access it in private browsing mode. You don't have to do anything with the account she has access to. She'll still feel she has that edge, and you'll be able to have your conversation in peace. (Now if she has gone as far as installing logging equipment ...this is a different issue.)

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