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  1. #1
    Member Carpe Diem's Avatar
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    Help with Snooping Girlfriend

    I need some advice about a sticky situation involving my girlfriend snooping through my emails.* I had suspected for awhile that she had been looking at my phone and going through my emails on my phone if I wasnít around, and this morning I saw her doing it, though she didnít see me.* I havenít confronted her yet about it, but Iím very hurt and itís hard for me to even look at her and speak to her normally now.

    My gf has always been a bit insecureóshe says it stems from having been cheated on in her two prior relationships.* But part of the reason I think that she decided to snoop through my phone is because I have a close female friend (an ex-coworker) who Iíve known for a long time and who I truly consider one of my closest friends.* I talk to my friend on an almost daily basis about a variety of issues because we worked together for a long time (and still work in the same industry) and share the same circle of mutual friends.* I also talk about my girlfriend and how the relationship is going with my friend, get advice from her if there are problems, etc.* My friend has a boyfriend and also shares things about her relationship with me.* There has never been any sexual tension between me and my friend, and nothing has ever happened between us even though we have been both single and in relationships during the time weíve known each other.
    *
    My gf has told me that she has a problem with my friend and how close we are.* She doesnít like that we talk every day, and though we havenít discussed it, I know she wouldnít like that I talk about our relationship with my friend.* But I donít see my relationship with my friend as inappropriate in any way.* I am fairly certain that my gfís snooping comes from wanting to know what my friend and I say to each other.* Itís gotten to the point where Iíve started deleting emails because I donít feel theyíre for my gfís eyes and I know sheís snooping around trying to find something.
    *
    Should I confront my girlfriend about this?* Or just change the password on my email and hope she gets the message when she canít get in anymore?* I know that if I confront her, itís going to turn into a big discussion about how she doesnít like my relationship with my friend and she feels that we talk too much.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member metrogirl's Avatar
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    Well if you change your password she is going to think that you are hiding something so it's probably a lose lose situation for you. You do need to speak to her about it though and you don't even have to be nasty about it. You can casually tell her that you observed her going through your emails and you would be more than happy to answer any questions she may have about your friendship with the other person.
    I shared my spare on Feb 4th. Ask me about living kidney donation.

  3. #3

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    No I wouldnt change the password yet. First, I'd call her ass on it. I've poked through my SO's phones before, but I did it sitting right there in front of them. lol The secret snooping and sneaking around is a little creepy. So, I'd call her on it. "hey, I saw you snooping in my phone...did you find what you were looking for? I hope so, because I'm changing the password today, so it will be the last snooping you do. If you want to know something, ask me."

  4. #4
    Member Carpe Diem's Avatar
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    In a sense though I am hiding something. Thatís the argument/discussion that I donít really want to get into and I know thatís how sheíll frame it. Iím hiding something in that I donít want her to read my private communications to my friends, no matter which friend, and especially not ones where Iím discussing her or our relationship and getting feedback from others. Certainly not through her violating my privacy like this.

  5. #5
    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    I don't see your behavior as hiding anything. I just see it as trying to enforce your right to your privacy. Your concerns are perfectly legitimate, and your girlfriend's trust issues stemming from other relationships are no excuse for snooping around.

    How long have the two of you been dating? Has she met this ex-coworker friend of yours?

  6. #6
    Platinum Member karvala's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carpe Diem View Post
    In a sense though I am hiding something. That’s the argument/discussion that I don’t really want to get into and I know that’s how she’ll frame it. I’m hiding something in that I don’t want her to read my private communications to my friends, no matter which friend, and especially not ones where I’m discussing her or our relationship and getting feedback from others. Certainly not through her violating my privacy like this.
    Don't fall for her argument. There is a world of difference between hiding something specific, and simply asserting a general right to privacy. You're doing the latter, not the former. She should know after her latest batch of snooping that you are not actually doing anything untoward, either with this close femal friend or anyone else. There's the proof that you're not cheating, and those things were written before you actually saw her snooping, so you can argue that they weren't even edited for her benefit. After establishing that you're not doing anything wrong, you can then say that you now want your privacy respected. Having private correspondence doesn't mean that there's anything secret in it, it just means that you would like some privacy and the sense of not constantly being monitored. Turn it around on her and tell her that you find her lack of trust in you, as shown by her desire to constantly monitor you, extremely disturbing, given that you've done nothing wrong. Sell it as her opportunity to show that believes you're not a bad guy. If she doesn't want to take that opportunity, then you might need to reconsider the relationship.
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  7. #7
    Member Carpe Diem's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by laboheme View Post
    I don't see your behavior as hiding anything. I just see it as trying to enforce your right to your privacy. Your concerns are perfectly legitimate, and your girlfriend's trust issues stemming from other relationships are no excuse for snooping around.

    How long have the two of you been dating? Has she met this ex-coworker friend of yours?
    My girlfriend and I have been together about a year. My friend and I have known each other for 5 years and work in the same industry and share many mutual friends, so there are lots of things that I talk with her about that I donít really talk to my girlfriend about because she doesnít really have all the background and I donít think sheíd find it interesting. My gf has sort of indicated that she has a problem with me talking to another girl about things I donít really share with her.

    My gf has met my friend a number of times. My gf and I have gotten into an argument in the past, because she has said that she feels like my friend tries to assert ownership over me when theyíre together by making clear that sheís known me longer. My gf does have a fair point, and Iíve talked to my friend about it, but I also think my gf is looking for problems where there are none, just because sheís not comfortable with my being so close to a female friend and talking on a daily basis, etc. Her snooping, I think, is her desire to find out how close our relationship is. I think itís this more than that she suspects that Iím actually cheating on her.

  8. #8

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    Broken Woman Syndrome. Dump her. That's probably the only thing strong enough to get it through her head that her behavior is wrong.

  9. #9
    Member Carpe Diem's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by laboheme View Post
    I don't see your behavior as hiding anything. I just see it as trying to enforce your right to your privacy. Your concerns are perfectly legitimate, and your girlfriend's trust issues stemming from other relationships are no excuse for snooping around.

    How long have the two of you been dating? Has she met this ex-coworker friend of yours?
    Also, the other problem Iím having trouble coming to terms with is that if the situation were flipped, I would not be pleased if I saw that she was asking a male friend for advice about how to handle problems with me, arguments weíve had, etc. But at the end of the day, I believe that at the end of the day, people should be free to share what they want with their friends, even if their SO or other friends or whoever wouldnít be happy to hear it. And thatís why I donít go snooping through her emails with her friendsóbecause thatís something sheís entitled to have to discuss what she wants, and I trust her to make sure her conversations are appropriate.

  10. #10

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    It's somewhat of a double standard to say you'd be unhappy if she was going to a male friend for relationship advice, but then get angry when she's uncomfortable about you doing pretty much the same thing - even if she doesn't implicitly know that's what you're doing, she's probably guessed if you're 'close friends' then you must discuss her sometimes.

    The fact that you also say that you feel you're hiding things strikes me as a problem. If you really felt you were doing nothing wrong, I don't believe you'd feel guilt over this.

    If you're confiding in your female friend, maybe it is affecting your emotional relationship with your girlfriend. Emotional cheating tends to start that way (I'm not implying that you're doing that), with someone putting more energy into their emotional relationship with someone else rather than their partner. Maybe you should assess whether you're on the brink of doing that. Make sure you're really guilt-free here before you leap on her with anger.

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