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When your ex doesn't contact you, is it hate or indifference?


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I apologize if this a thread like this already exists. I did a quick search and didn't find a similar thread.

 

When your ex doesn't contact you, do you feel that he or she hates you, or is indifferent?

Is hate really better than indifference?

Has anyone had relations improve after hate or indifference from the ex?

 

I'm approaching 50 days of NC. In our last exchange, he said "Too busy to go online and talk to me? Go away." He then responded to my emails by telling me not to send another message. Circumstances being what they are, I've disappeared from his radar, so to say (except for facebook, but then we were never FB friends)

 

It seems like I have to conclude that he simply doesn't care, and move on accordingly.

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Yes, I think it depends on how the break-up ended, what your relationship was like, etc.

 

I don't like to believe it because I'm a pessimist, but I'm pretty sure my ex is not contacting me out of respect. He is respecting my wish for NC. And so I really had no reason to be upset that he didn't send me a birthday text anyway...he is just the kind of person who will try to be as rational as hell - keeping up with the NC because that's what I established for now. At the same time, I'm sure he's enjoying the freedom and no obligations to anyone.

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He might care or he might not care. But considering that the relationship is annulled, this seems a moot point. Moving on is the prerogative.

 

When two people break up, they generally don't have contact unless by circumstance. It has nothing to do with hating the other person, but allows feelings to subside, permitting another relationship in its place.

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It doesn't have to be either hate or indifference. It can simply be what they need to do to heal and move on. So often we only think of how bad we feel and think they are being insensitive towards us. We cannot see the other person's actions simply as something they must do for themselves. Time to stop analyzing what it means and simply move on.

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My ex has text me twice since I went NC on her 7 weeks ago. One drunken text on week 3, and another this week after deleting her and blocking her on FB. Neither of the contacts made me feel any better. Trust me, if they have moved on the last thing you want is to hear from them. Be thankful they are not in contact.

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It doesn't have to be either hate or indifference. It can simply be what they need to do to heal and move on. So often we only think of how bad we feel and think they are being insensitive towards us. We cannot see the other person's actions simply as something they must do for themselves. Time to stop analyzing what it means and simply move on.

 

I understand what you mean. If we had parted under any other circumstances then I would rest easier I think.

 

However, I don't believe he did it with the intention that it was something that "had to be done to heal." He initiated most of the contact after the break-up - even while being with someone else. He was often being passive-aggressive or outright annoyed at anything I said.

 

He also got extremely angry at any absence on my part - because I wouldn't be talking to him, even though when I did more often than not he would be verbally cruel.

 

We didn't part amicably - because he didn't want to.

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My ex has text me twice since I went NC on her 7 weeks ago. One drunken text on week 3, and another this week after deleting her and blocking her on FB. Neither of the contacts made me feel any better. Trust me, if they have moved on the last thing you want is to hear from them. Be thankful they are not in contact.

 

Scott6099, I've been following your story. I think you're doing the right thing.

 

My ex isn't the type to play games - in fact, he is the vindictive type. He would rather make me suffer when he could have simply communicated his feelings. He walked away because I wasn't on MSN - that just seems incredibly childish.

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Scott6099, I've been following your story. I think you're doing the right thing.

 

My ex isn't the type to play games - in fact, he is the vindictive type. He would rather make me suffer when he could have simply communicated his feelings. He walked away because I wasn't on MSN - that just seems incredibly childish.

 

Thanks Brit for the encouragement. I have pretty much done everything that I can to allow myself to move on from the ex. Her retarded text after deleting her really showed me a lot about her. I can't believe what she text me..."I'm very concerned about you..are you ok? What the ....!, not once in the 4 months post breakup did she ever send me a message asking if I was ok.... She only wanted an ego boost cuz she was afraid I was moving on.

 

I did send her a response the next day. I had to... she needed to be put in her place. for me it was closer. I told her this.. Having a busy summer, doing really well. No need for your concern.

Case closed.

 

Sorry you did not get the opportunity to end it like you would have hoped. Maybe in time you will get that opportunity. I bet by the time it comes you wont even care anymore. You know your better off without him, right?

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I did send her a response the next day. I had to... she needed to be put in her place. for me it was closer. I told her this.. Having a busy summer, doing really well. No need for your concern.

Case closed.

 

Sorry you did not get the opportunity to end it like you would have hoped. Maybe in time you will get that opportunity. I bet by the time it comes you wont even care anymore. You know your better off without him, right?

 

It's good you took control of the situation. Case closed indeed.

 

Yeah, I wished for an amicable ending. He preferred to hurt me instead - and I suspect he knows exactly how much it hurt.

 

As much as I want to, I don't think I can send him a letter of apology. I don't think he wants to hear it, and I have to be unselfish about getting my guilt off my chest. I need to let time do its work.

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....if they have moved on the last thing you want is to hear from them. Be thankful they are not in contact.

After being spoonfed false hopes for months I would definitely agree with that*

 

I dont contact her out of respect for her and me, and for my own healing*

She doesn't contact me becoz she won the rebound lottery and probably thinks about me about as often as you sleep on the roof....

 

So there you go:

Respect from me

Indifference from her

 

Ever Forward

K2*

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Sometimes, often, the break up is just as hard for the person doing it. They could very well be moving on the same way many dumpees move on. It's the healthier and best thing to do.

 

Anggrace, this isn't personally directed to you or anyone else, so don't take offense...

 

But I'm sooooo very sick of people saying this. Unless the dumper has been victimized in some way (abuse, cheated on, lying, etc.) and he/she had no choice but to force themselves out of the relationship, there is no way anybody is gonna convince me that a dumper is hurting "just as bad" as the dumpee. NO Way. Nope, Nada, Nyet, Non, NO.

 

I've seen breakup scenarios waaaay too many times. The dumper (in an otherwise ordinary relationship) MIGHT feel a twinge of guilt, or a tad of remorse, but they get over it very, very quickly and move on (rebound or otherwise) as easy as sand slides through an hourglass. And I KNOW my breakup hasn't affected my ex as it has affected me. He truly seems to not care at all how I'm doing. This after all the effort, love and investment in our rship that I put in and that we both swore was gonna last for years. He's been cavalier since day one after the breakup, sending me a farewell text the next day: "I'm feeling a certain type of way about the whole thing, but things have changed and there's nothing we can do about that...we still have fond memories to cherish. Take care." Feeling "a certain type of way"??? What the h** does that mean? B.S.--That's what it means. And then the next day he's busily chatting it up on Facebook, going to parties and acting as if NOTHING HAS HAPPENED IN HIS LIFE. From all indications, he seemed astonishingly relieved that he was no longer in a rship. I might cross his mind here and there. But you know, my fifth grade teacher, my long-lost cousin in Jersey, and guy at the corner drug store all cross my mind here and there too. But overall, he couldn't care less about how I'm feeling and how my world is shattered >>> ALL FOR CARING ABOUT HIM THE WAY A RESPONSIBLE LOVER SHOULD.

 

So no.

 

Sorry for the sudden rant. But I just vehemently agree with the above sentiment.

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Fuddiduddy, I agree with your post 100%.

 

Thread related, this is what I went through, I didn't hear a peep after he promised to be friends. The only conclusion I have drawn is that he doesn't care about me in the slightest and doesn't love me, like he claimed he did. People can try and argue this if they want, but the way in which he has acted has shown nothing but indifference and there is no way I will ever believe otherwise unless he shows it. And he never will.

 

I have a very low opinion of him because of this. If someone can act so indifferent to someone after everything, why would I want someone like that in my life?

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I agree with the sentiment that if someone can be so indifferent to you, why bother?

 

But I'm going to argue and say that suggesting they feel little, if anything, is utter BS.

 

I have ended two relationships. I struggled with every feeling that I have the same as if I had been dumped. Even feeling abandoned and discarded - In different ways.

 

I didn't talk to them. Why? Because A). I needed to move on. B). So did they. It would have been unfair of me to meddle with THEIR healing process. C). "Checking in" or "Just seeing how they're doing" typically leads to someone getting sucked in where they shouldn't be getting sucked in. If I say I want to break up, then I need to do it. People are far too vulnerable and emotionally charged post breakup to try and be friendly. D). Shame. Really. And you'd be surprised at how much of it people feel and what they will do to avoid those feelings coming up - Including shutting you out.

 

Is it selfish? In a sense, it is. And people will say a lot of things to keep the peace, not muddy the waters. Including "Let's be friends". Bah to that. The intent might be there, but there's too much crap going on in between to follow through on that for most relationships.

 

But it's simply moving on. Life keeps going on even when it feels like it momentarily stopped for us.

 

Really, what difference does it make whether they hate you, love you, or could care less? And I agree with another poster's comment about stopping the analyzing. True, we're way too wrapped up in our own hurt feelings and damaged ego to see they had to do what they had to do. I'm not saying this is my own defense or anything, because I've done plenty wrong in the past - And I've also been dumped. I spent a year and a half analyzing every little crumb my prior ex would throw to me, and the rest of the time wondering why he wasn't throwing me any crumbs. I lost too much of myself in that time. He loved me once, I loved him, it didn't work for a multitude of reasons. I am sure he thinks of me every once and again, a passing thought, maybe more, maybe not. That's just what happens when you spend significant time with someone.

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I agree. I get the feeling my dumper could care less about me.

 

I doubt he thinks of me, or that I ever cross his mind on a regular basis (if ever). He has moved on and is living a happy life without me.

 

He probably had some initial regret or sadness, but 2 months have passed and I'm sure he's fine. Sadly, to this day I worry for him and hope he is alright....even though I could be dead and it wouldn't affect him.

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Thank you! Exactly. The dumper may be feeling guilt and a little pain for a day or two, a week at most, but then moves on to a happier life.

The dumpees have it terrible. Their lives and jobs are disrupted. We are the ones that have to start taking medication. We are the ones crying months later. By that time the dumper barely remembers you. Why should they? They are already happy in a new relationship most likely.

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If someone does not love you, what is the point of that person staying with you? I ask.

 

after all the effort, love and investment in our rship that I put in

 

I think that in some relationships one person puts in far too much, and the other not a lot. There is imbalance. There is one person "loving too much" whereas the other (hard as this may sound) might have lied about loving. Therefore, found it "easy" to dump and move on.

 

H

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Thank you! Exactly. The dumper may be feeling guilt and a little pain for a day or two, a week at most, but then moves on to a happier life.

The dumpees have it terrible. Their lives and jobs are disrupted. We are the ones that have to start taking medication. We are the ones crying months later. By that time the dumper barely remembers you. Why should they? They are already happy in a new relationship most likely.

 

It is easy as the dumpee (I am) to feel as if the dumper can just shut off all feelings and move into paradise in a few short days. I don't buy this at all if you had a significant r/l for a period of time. Yes, they may get over it quicker but remember they have been suffering long before they told you they wanted out. Think of it this way, they already did the majority of their suffering before leaving, now it's the dumpees turn.

 

I can also tell you if the r/l was not for cheating or something like that, then how you handle the bu will greatly effect how soon they get over it many times. The more you beg, pine, compromise your integrity, self worth and dignity the sooner they will get over it.

 

The better you receive the bad news and do what is right for you the sooner you will get over it. YOU CAN limit the amount of suffering you endure based on your responses. You can also extend there suffering to some degree by agreeing with the BU, wish them well and check out!

 

You may not think it matters in the healing process how you handle the BU, I believe it has a lot to do with your ability to heal sooner.

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This provided some clarity, thanks. I have too often and too much thoughts about things as it affected me, as how I pictured it. I should step in my ex's shoes and see WHY he never really contacted me after the break-up even though he wanted to remain friends...

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My dumper keeps getting ahold of me every once in awhile because she feels guilty. Last time she was crying her eyes out....while the whole time I thought she was doing great. Yep, tells me "she always has, and always will love me"...I see her looking at my MySpace page every day...but still does not want to get back together at least now. To look at her FB and MySpace you would think she was happy all day every day. No other guys though which makes her a little different from some. If there was another guy involved, I would not look at anything of hers or answer anything ever again.

 

I think you are lucky yours never contacts you.

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