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Thread: Wife wants a separation so she can date, but does not want a divorce

  1. #1

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    Wife wants a separation so she can date, but does not want a divorce

    Me and my wife have been together for 12 years (I got married at 21). Our marriage has been great for the twelve years but we had some problems like: arguments and small stuff. Just two weeks ago my wife said that she wants me to move out of our house. I had not seen this coming even though she hinted at it for months, but I didn't take it seriously. The reason she wants to leave is because, she said I stopped doing the things for her to feel special, I never man up to certaqin resposiblity's that she feels a man is supposed to take care of, she out grew me and basically things that can be fixed. I was devastated for over a week. I questioned her why and that I can fix it but she still just wanted me out because she thought she could start a relationship (and she said shes does not feel like shes in love with me anymore) with someone else and maybe it would be better. But, she does not want a divorce because she said that she wants to be able to come back to our marriage if the grass isn't greener. She told me (and I know) that I'm the nicest most loving person she ever met, but she wants someone who has goals (sadly, I havent found that yet), wants good things, and so on. I told her that I want those things also but no matter what man you think you'll find he won't be your perfect man, everyone has their flaws that you have to except. Hell, she's not the most easy person to get along with sometimes but I accept that and I accept her for who she is and I love her for being her. Anyways, I told her that if she wants to venture out, she would have to divorce me. I told her that once she goes out there and finds that what she was looking for was at home, well, I'm not gonna be their anymore and she would have lost a good thing. Now, mind you, we have 2 childrin (9 & 4) would have been enduring this, I want to stay and be the person she fell in love with. I love her with all my heart, and the past few weeks, I acted like a fool from heartache and confusion, screaming , crying (1st time my heart has been broke, I only dated 4 people in my life including her) and its been a burden on her life as well as mine. I don't want her to make this mistake and she does not want to end our marriage, I need some good advice to keep my family together.

  2. #2
    I am going through issues as well. Been married for 8 years, have 2 kids, 5 & 3. My wife is depressed and doesn't want to be a mother or wife anymore and doesn't want the responsibility that comes with it. She does not know why she feels this way and thinks she may be going through a midlife crisis. She is going to a therapist and we just started marriage counseling. In my opinion, and I am not an expert by any means, you should talk to her about marriage counseling to see if you can reconcile your differences before you separate. If she does not want a divorce than she should be willing to give it a try BEFORE you separate. I can't think of anything more selfish than wanting to separate and then come back if it doesn't work for her. I know how you feel, devastated, heart broken, wondering what you did wrong, etc. I feel the same way. Best of luck.

  3. #3
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    Request custody (if you want it) and get out of there.

    Seriously, that's the most heartless request I've ever heard. She expects you to stand by while she tries to fall in love with someone else?

    I would be so upset right now I don't even know how you're able to type.

  4. #4
    Silver Member enzarto's Avatar
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    Get custody of the kids, and LEAVE.
    How could she do that!?

    She wants you to be a free agent for her, that if she does not find another man she'll return to you? I can't believe how simply reading words alone can ruin my day, how thoughtless is that?!
    Surely in vain the net is spread in the sight of any bird

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA,
    Do not move out!!!!
    If she wants to then fine but do not move out!! It will be used as abondonment in the divorce.
    This is called the "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" some on here hate that it has a label but that is what you are living through. Google it.
    I will ask a few of the people on here that are going through what you are to repsond to you. My ex didn't give me the courtesy of telling me she wanted to date while still married but the results were the same.
    Read my first post here http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=222568
    I would suspect that she has already had her eye on someone and may have already done things you do not want to know about. She doesn't want to be known as a cheater so you move out and poof she is dating some loser the next week. In the end it doesn't matter as she is about as selfish right now as a person can get.
    Did I say not to move out? Okay just making sure.
    There is basically nothing you can do right now to change her mind. She has been planning this for some time and finally pulled the trigger. Begging, crying, getting mad, pleading, promising to change and expressing your love to her will not work and actually do the opposite! For right now assume that there is going to be a divorce and get your financials in order. Make copies of everything, get balances on accounts, look into legal advice and stay calm. I need you to take the high road as well. Do nothing that will not help you. Leave her to her selfishness and fantasy she has built in her mind.
    Read through this thread http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=198051
    for some insights and hard won knowledge.
    I will have some good friends come see you as well.

    Lost
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness;
    Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
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    Wow. I'm really sorry to hear this. First thing I'd suggest is to do some marital counseling. See if you can get to the real core of the issue. I have a strong hunch there is already someone else she's been seeing but I could be wrong.

    If she won't go for counseling then I agree with the others, file for divorce and custody. There is no way I'd agree to be the back up guy in this case. She wants to go explore - fine. You go ahead and move on with your life and let her crash and burn with hers. Just make sure you keep the kids in a stable environment with you.
    You can make the world a better place - one person at a time.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member MarmiteCrumpet's Avatar
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    She has some neck, doesn't she?


  9. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by zen2001 View Post
    Me and my wife have been together for 12 years (I got married at 21). Our marriage has been great for the twelve years but we had some problems like: arguments and small stuff. Just two weeks ago my wife said that she wants me to move out of our house. I had not seen this coming even though she hinted at it for months, but I didn't take it seriously. The reason she wants to leave is because, she said I stopped doing the things for her to feel special, I never man up to certaqin resposiblity's that she feels a man is supposed to take care of, she out grew me and basically things that can be fixed. I was devastated for over a week. I questioned her why and that I can fix it but she still just wanted me out because she thought she could start a relationship (and she said shes does not feel like shes in love with me anymore) with someone else and maybe it would be better. But, she does not want a divorce because she said that she wants to be able to come back to our marriage if the grass isn't greener. She told me (and I know) that I'm the nicest most loving person she ever met, but she wants someone who has goals (sadly, I havent found that yet), wants good things, and so on. I told her that I want those things also but no matter what man you think you'll find he won't be your perfect man, everyone has their flaws that you have to except. Hell, she's not the most easy person to get along with sometimes but I accept that and I accept her for who she is and I love her for being her. Anyways, I told her that if she wants to venture out, she would have to divorce me. I told her that once she goes out there and finds that what she was looking for was at home, well, I'm not gonna be their anymore and she would have lost a good thing. Now, mind you, we have 2 childrin (9 & 4) would have been enduring this, I want to stay and be the person she fell in love with. I love her with all my heart, and the past few weeks, I acted like a fool from heartache and confusion, screaming , crying (1st time my heart has been broke, I only dated 4 people in my life including her) and its been a burden on her life as well as mine. I don't want her to make this mistake and she does not want to end our marriage, I need some good advice to keep my family together.
    First let me say welcome to ENA Zen and I really feel for you, this is awful.

    Infidelity is not exactly conducive to a good relationship and you're right, everyone has their flaws, to me it sounds like she has a good guy right here. Maybe this is the 12 year itch or something.

    Wanting to come back "if the grass isn't greener" is, I'm sorry, pathetic.

    I have to wonder if she isn't already seeing someone, I have known plenty of women who plan this stuff out.

    I know there are kids involved and you seem like a nice, concientious guy who is willing to work it out, my gut instinct just says go ahead and separate...

    Infidelity and/or abandonment are good grounds for divorce, I'm wondering if she doesn't want one because she knows she will get the bad end of it.

    Any chance this could just be a "phase" she is going through?

    It just sounds awful though, rather selfish from her.

    Thx

  10. #9
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    She's being spectacularly selfish! So she wants you to move out, her life stays the same at home while you're kicked out, and she gets to date other people and use you financially while she does this?

    I would say absolutely not! If she wants to experiment, SHE must move out and you're not going anyway. Don't make it easy for her to destroy your family and use you. Consult an attorney.

  11. #10
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    I agree that you should not move out and if she cheats file for divorce and ask for custody. Do not give in to her demands - if she wants a divorce then let her deal with the consequences but you are under no obligation to make it easy for her.

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