Support and female advice needed

Hey, ill keep this as short as possible

met a girl 4 years ago, we got on well but was nothing serious for a year or 2 although she lived with me we both described ourselves as 'just housemates' to anyone who asked. after a year we had a small argument and she told me she had wanted a 'proper relationship'. so i told her well 'lets see how things go' (meaning weve been living together for so long that it would be hard just to go from what we were to being more serious) so to give it time to grow.

she said she would have given anything to have been with me but that i had not wanted to commit before

during this time, she started to take more care in her appearance and lost some weight but i never felt anything really change. we both continued to be as we were before. Then this christmas i decided i was ready to commit to her but wasnt sure how to express it and she was still acting aloof so assumed she wasnt ready yet.

last week she packed all her room up and left to stay with her mum miles away. she said she didnt think she could give me what i want, she needs some space and wasnt sure if she could be with me she said she loved me but wasnt IN love with me. she has taken 2 weeks off work (which is near here) to stay with her mum but will obv have to come back next week.

I rang her 4 days after she left and told her that i was sorry i never told her i loved her (i now know i should have, because i do) and explained why i had said 'lets see how things go' she said its too late i should have said something when she was packing (but then it would have sounded false and desperate). i agreed we needed some space but hoped it wouldnt be for too long. i needed to tell her how i felt because it hurt that i hadnt said these things before and i felt she needed to know.

Then i sent her a rose to her mums house with a specially made dvd of a single she liked, that was written a week before we broke up (local musician who played round a campfire one night). she sent me a text that evening saying 'thank you for my rose and DVD its amazing '

what do i do now? how will she feel about receiving the rose and dvd? how much space does she need? does it sound like she may reconsider? i really do love her but its taken her walking out for me to realise!!

shes asked for space, i dont want to intrude on her space if thats what she needs. but i dont know if she wants me to fight for her.

she seemed to enjoy the rose and dvd but i dont want to smother her with gifts and words she may think are false (most guys declare undying love when a girl leaves).

do i NC and give her her space?

im not too good at this stuff can you tell? i find it hard to be romantic if i dont get anything back or if im unsure thats what she wants.

help

So she asked for a commitment 3 years ago and you didn't want to commit and never brought it up to her again? Is that what you're saying? I don't know about her, but for me if I've gotten to the point where I walk out the door or need space I'm gone for good.

Only she knows how much space she needs. Just wait for her to contact you before you speak to her again. You will have to ask her at some point if she is interested in reconciling.

It sucks to feel like someone only wants to be with you because you have threatened to leave them. Why not before?

Give her space, but at some point you will have to ask her how she feels about being with you again. You said she has to come back in 2 weeks, so just give her that time and don't start throwing gifts at her left and right. Too desperate.

EDIT:

You were living together for four years and you never told her you loved her?! Why?

Yes, you give her what she asked for - space.

When she contacts her, listen and mirror what she's saying back to her. (I learned this in a Listening Skills class many years ago. Here's a link to how to do it properly: link removed).

In fact, the entire Al Turtle site is full of good advice on how to build a solid, trusting, safe relationship. If you like the mirroring essay, click around the links to other essays and "how tos" on the right side of the screen.

I think you can turn this around. Good luck! I can't wait to hear updates...

(If she comes around, a really good thing to tell her is something like this: I love you, just as you are. You are, and always were, perfect for me. I was a fool for not telling you how I felt before, but I won't make that mistake again. I promise.)

I really don't think it's that bad. U sent her a DVD and she text u back, she said 2 weeks maybe she just needs a break. Go nc and give her two weeks and after that take a different approach if the first doesn't work.

my point of view is this - if i'm LIVING with someone for four years, had asked them about commitment one year in and they told me "we'll see how it goes" - actually that would have been the point where i would have walked. but lets say i did stick around for a total of 4 years and the guy also never bothered to tell me he loved me? it would have never gotten that far...i wouldn't have even stayed that long. she's been beyond patient. i'd be on my way to find someone who thought me worthy enough of commitment.

you should consider yourself lucky, that she stuck around as long as she did. i'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you probably already do, but four years? what exactly were you waiting for? why didn't you commit to her? you were already living together. were you truly living just as housemates?

wait til she returns in 2 weeks and then go from there. don't flood her with gifts or romantic gestures in the meantime. in my mind, i'd be thinking too little too late. most breaks are a precursor to breakUPS. just prepare yourself, it could go either way.

the one good thing going is that she did respond to the cd and rose you sent. you may have a chance. only time will tell.

Because we both said we didnt want a 'relationship' yet, yes for 3 years (although we did everything, apart from date and show public affection)... and neither of us got round to telling the other exactly where we stood so i guess it just got comfortable.

im not too good at being romantic if i dont know how she REALLY feels or if i get nothing back and i expected her to run a mile if i actually said 'i love you'

well i guess it goes both ways then. the two of you need to learn to communicate better if you get back together. good luck.

So she asked for a commitment 3 years ago and you didn't want to commit and never brought it up to her again? Is that what you're saying? I don't know about her, but for me if I've gotten to the point where I walk out the door or need space I'm gone for good.

 

Only she knows how much space she needs. Just wait for her to contact you before you speak to her again. You will have to ask her at some point if she is interested in reconciling.

 

It sucks to feel like someone only wants to be with you because you have threatened to leave them. Why not before?

 

EDIT:

You were living together for four years and you never told her you loved her?! Why?

It seems like you were pretty comfortable where you were and only until you wouldn't have her anymore. I think this is one of those situations where you might not even know if this is really love or fear of loss and rejection. Give her time, but also give yourself time to see if these feelings stick.

Because we both said we didnt want a 'relationship' yet, yes for 3 years (although we did everything, apart from date and show public affection)... and neither of us got round to telling the other exactly where we stood so i guess it just got comfortable.

 

im not too good at being romantic if i dont know how she REALLY feels or if i get nothing back and i expected her to run a mile if i actually said 'i love you'

I think you need to get away from this cop-out, hon. I can't show love unless I get it, etc. When you want a relationship with someone you need to communicate your feelings and desires.

Also, you made it clear that she wanted a commitment one year in and you were the one who was not only non-committal but said "let's see where it goes." I think her mistake was waiting around a few more years hoping you would commit.

well the last thing that was said was when i replied 'S'ok, glad you liked it and that it got to you ok about the rose and DVD, that was on sunday (7 days after she left and 2 days ago) so i havent heard from her for 3 days but i know the rose is still in front of her and i did tell her how i really felt on the phone last week and in a note with the rose. so ive told her what i needed to say.

my fear is that she will see the rose and dvd as a weak gesture and my words all too late. but i really do mean it

Four years dating someone and you suddenly love her when she leaves. I really think you need to take a step back and make sure this so-called love is legit and it's not fear of rejection. Rejection is just a powerful a feeling.

no, ive had strong feelings for her for over a year but she was still acting aloof like nothing had changed so i didnt tell her how i was feeling.

she was supposed to be back this week, but i havent heard anything from her. so i sent her a text asking - if she was about would she like to meet for a coffee. now really nervous whilst waiting for a reply

no, ive had strong feelings for her for over a year but she was still acting aloof like nothing had changed so i didnt tell her how i was feeling.

I think that might be a lesson learned. Don't widdle about for a year without communication.

right, bit of an update

stayed NC for 2 weeks, expected her back over this way last week but it seems shes taking another week off work. i text her asking if she wated to meet up for a coffee but she explained she wasnt back yet. i asked if i could call she said i could so i rang and we talked for over an hour, general chit chat and i explained exactly how i was feeling, she had a few questions so i answered them too seemed pretty amicable, she did say she couldn't promise anything and sounded down, finished the call. didnt speak to her again until -

its her birthday this weekend so i bought her a bear and sent it. i got a text when it arrived yesterday and a few jokey texts were sent and received. she sent the last text and i left it at that. i think ill get a thank you text when she actually opens it.

not sure if anything is changing or shes just being nice but either way im glad to have spoken to her. the ball is in her cort i suppose now i miss her alot

I put a lot of work into her birthday present, got a one line text to say thanks. time to try to forget i think i miss her

4 years together and you got her a bear? I'm sorry but this just doesn't sound like much to me. I got the feeling she wanted you to fight for her, try to stop her from leaving, etc. If you want to have a chance, I think you're going to have to put more passion into it.

It was a bit more than just a bear but anyway..... she is miles away and theres seems nothing i can do to contact her, without her sounding vacantly confused in replies and calls.

right, been no contact for 11 days now. her new job starts in 4 weeks so im thinking of sending her a good luck text on her first day

this will have given us 2 months apart and 1 month (hopefully) of NC

do you guys think this is a good idea or not?

well 6 months later, im now with the singer that made the dvd! im now also a paragling pilot and my life is on the up

Good for you dear.

nice! good luck