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  1. #1
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    Question Want to be friends with ex-boyfriend from 20 years ago.

    I'm a 39 year old female, married 17 years to a wonderful guy that I love very much and have recently found an exboyfriend on Facebook. We dated 20 years ago but I was an idiot and broke it off with him. I emailed him in Dec explaining how I was a kid and stupid and scared and should have never done that. I asked him to lunch or coffee just to catch up and be friends but for some reason he thinks that I want to have an affair and am stalking him because I emailed him the next day to say whats up, how are you, what have you been up to for the past 20 years, etc. He is married to his third wife with 3 kids with her and one from a previous marriage that he knocked up on the rebound from me way back then. I just want to reconnect as friends not ruin his life or mine and don't see where lunch equates to sex. I did some searching on Myspace and friends of his wife mentioned him cheating on her last fall so maybe he thinks that all women want him now for sex, who knows. My best friend of 18 years is a single guy my age who grew up with my husband so we are all close friends and that is it so it is possible to be friends with a guy and just that. This ex had issues with me having male friends when we dated which is one reason we broke up but obviously I can handle and my husband trusts me, etc. I want to contact him again but not seem like a stalker. He also had his wife email me when he did and he posted on HIS Facebook wall instead of mine that I was stalking him which I'm not, I wanted to explain to him how to use Facebook but I refrained. I was so mad I didn't read his wife's email. She sounds like a young moron, she is 25 and he is almost 37 so it is obvious why he is with her..young, naive, controllable,etc..anyway, should I try to make amends? At one time we were very much in love but I messed up and it is something that I have always regretted so I feel like we can be friends and have things in common but I not a homewrecker or stalker.

  2. #2
    Gold Member russ978's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by workoutgirl70 View Post
    I'm a 39 year old female, married 17 years to a wonderful guy that I love very much and have recently found an exboyfriend on Facebook.

    We dated 20 years ago but I was an idiot and broke it off with him.

    I emailed him in Dec explaining how I was a kid and stupid and scared and should have never done that.

    I asked him to lunch or coffee just to catch up and be friends but for some reason he thinks that I want to have an affair and am stalking him because I emailed him the next day to say whats up, how are you, what have you been up to for the past 20 years, etc.

    He is married to his third wife with 3 kids with her and one from a previous marriage that he knocked up on the rebound from me way back then.

    I just want to reconnect as friends not ruin his life or mine and don't see where lunch equates to sex.

    I did some searching on Myspace and friends of his wife mentioned him cheating on her last fall so maybe he thinks that all women want him now for sex, who knows.

    My best friend of 18 years is a single guy my age who grew up with my husband so we are all close friends and that is it so it is possible to be friends with a guy and just that.

    This ex had issues with me having male friends when we dated which is one reason we broke up but obviously I can handle and my husband trusts me, etc. I want to contact him again but not seem like a stalker.

    He also had his wife email me when he did and he posted on HIS Facebook wall instead of mine that I was stalking him which I'm not,

    I wanted to explain to him how to use Facebook but I refrained.

    I was so mad I didn't read his wife's email. She sounds like a young moron, she is 25 and he is almost 37 so it is obvious why he is with her..young, naive, controllable,etc..

    anyway, should I try to make amends?

    At one time we were very much in love but I messed up and it is something that I have always regretted so I feel like we can be friends and have things in common but I not a homewrecker or stalker.
    Where to start.

    You contacted someone you ended a relationship with and are already making judgements about his 'moron' of a wife, whom he openly shared that he was uncomfortable with your contact with...who emailed you to 'back off.'

    You think that because you knew him 20 years ago that he will still have the 'same issues' of not seeing it as right to have friends of the opposite gender...but you think you're thoughts on the matter (based on some other friendship you have with a guy) somehow overrule his?

    "I just want to reconnect as friends not ruin his life or mine"

    He has made it QUITE clear that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you.

    BACK OFF. Your communication is unwanted and he wants nothing to do with you. You broke up with him 20 years ago...he doesn't want to talk with you, see you, or communicate with you in any way. (hence his wife emailing you) You need to have a little respect for his thoughts and feelings and the boundaries he has set.

    If he doesn't want anything to do with you, you 'hoping for a friendship with a lost love' doesn't matter one bit.

    Leave him alone. Please.
    “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” A.A. Milne

  3. #3
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by workoutgirl70 View Post
    I'm a 39 year old female, married 17 years to a wonderful guy that I love very much and have recently found an exboyfriend on Facebook. We dated 20 years ago but I was an idiot and broke it off with him. I emailed him in Dec explaining how I was a kid and stupid and scared and should have never done that. I asked him to lunch or coffee just to catch up and be friends but for some reason he thinks that I want to have an affair and am stalking him because I emailed him the next day to say whats up, how are you, what have you been up to for the past 20 years, etc. He is married to his third wife with 3 kids with her and one from a previous marriage that he knocked up on the rebound from me way back then. I just want to reconnect as friends not ruin his life or mine and don't see where lunch equates to sex. I did some searching on Myspace and friends of his wife mentioned him cheating on her last fall so maybe he thinks that all women want him now for sex, who knows. My best friend of 18 years is a single guy my age who grew up with my husband so we are all close friends and that is it so it is possible to be friends with a guy and just that. This ex had issues with me having male friends when we dated which is one reason we broke up but obviously I can handle and my husband trusts me, etc. I want to contact him again but not seem like a stalker. He also had his wife email me when he did and he posted on HIS Facebook wall instead of mine that I was stalking him which I'm not, I wanted to explain to him how to use Facebook but I refrained. I was so mad I didn't read his wife's email. She sounds like a young moron, she is 25 and he is almost 37 so it is obvious why he is with her..young, naive, controllable,etc..anyway, should I try to make amends? At one time we were very much in love but I messed up and it is something that I have always regretted so I feel like we can be friends and have things in common but I not a homewrecker or stalker.
    I'm highlighting the parts that make you sound like a stalker. He is being clear that he doesn't want to have any kind of relationship with you. He might be wrong about WHY he doesn't want to have a friendship with you BUT he is clear and trying to connect more after this is only going to make you look even more like a stalker. You dated 20 years ago. He is over any hurt you caused him by breaking up with him. He has a life and a wife (who you for no reason are picking on) just let go.

  4. #4
    Gold Member shessofly's Avatar
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    you said you were an idiot for dumping him and explained to him how you made a mistake yet you are happily married? isn't that train of thought contradictory? if you are happy with your husband then why would you be an idiot for breaking up with this guy? why is his relationship with his wife so important to you? this is just strange, for someone to come out of the woodwork after 20 years and now you're insulting his wife? what's it to you? this does seem stalkerish. you know entirely too much about this man.

    bottom line is he doesn't want to reconnect. just drop it.

  5. #5
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    I haven't tried to contact him again and the info I have found out has only been a curiousity. We were kids that snuck around then dated a few years later then broke up. I was just wondering where he had ended up and what he had been up to, not stalking. No driving by his house, don't even know where that is or calling, etc. He and my husband could have things in common, that is where I wanted to go with this, for us all to be friends, if that is possible that is. Having someone in your life in any capacity is better than not at all. Physically he does nothing for me at all so no I am not still in love with him before that is brought up.

  6. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I would leave this alone. You're married, he's married, nothing good will ever come from this.
    "When you start rationalizing and accepting a cheater's behaviour/excuses, you start playing a game of how low can you go." ~ Lavenderdove ~

  7. #7
    Gold Member shessofly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by workoutgirl70 View Post
    I haven't tried to contact him again and the info I have found out has only been a curiousity. We were kids that snuck around then dated a few years later then broke up. I was just wondering where he had ended up and what he had been up to, not stalking. No driving by his house, don't even know where that is or calling, etc. He and my husband could have things in common, that is where I wanted to go with this, for us all to be friends, if that is possible that is. Having someone in your life in any capacity is better than not at all. Physically he does nothing for me at all so no I am not still in love with him before that is brought up.
    well now you have an idea of what he's been up to. i guess i don't understand why you are pushing this so hard? he's not interested. i mean, really, that's the bottom line.

  8. #8
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    You guys are absolutely correct. I need to leave well enough alone and appreciate what I have and not try to recapture what was. We are completely different people now and pursuing anything with him would be a waste of time and energy. Thank you for helping me to see that I was just caught up in finding him and not thinking clearly of repercussions if I continued to seek any kind of friendship.

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