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  1. #1
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    My boyfriend acts like a baby!

    You know the saying 'It's not what you say, it's how you say it'? This doesnít apply to my boyfriend. He's driving me nuts because if he thinks I'm even a little upset with him about something, he gets extremely defensive. No kidding, something really small that I'm not even angry about will get blown up into a huge, messy fight if I donít keep my cool. If I'm upset over something and I know I need to talk to him, I will rack my brain trying to find the right words to use so he won't feel attacked. But it doesn't do any good because no matter what words I use or what tone of voice, he will get defensive and blow things up. I've figured out that no matter how I approach him, he will manipulate the situation to make himself the victim and me the bad person. For example, no matter how calm I am, he'll accuse me of yelling at him, even when I've done nothing of the sort. The thing is, is that he honestly believes I've yelled at him. Almost like we werenít even in the same conversation.

    Mind you, I don't bring things up to him all that often. I would say that generally I'm pretty happy with myself and the relationship. Except for this, the relationship is really good. But this one thing is making me resent him. I'm actually holding back from discussing things with him because it's less stressful for me to do that than to try to talk to him about what ever it is. I suggested that we talk to a therapist about this. He rolled his eyes but agreed. Is this how other couples fight? I feel like I'm trying so hard to fight fair and I just can't do anything right. Help

  2. #2
    Platinum Member turnera's Avatar
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    It will only get worse. You are already molding yourself - CHANGING yourself - to fit his issues. And it will get worse.

    Start telling the truth. And walking away from him if he throws a fit. It's the only way.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member sidehop's Avatar
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    If he wants to change, chances are he probably should go see a counselor. There could be number of reasons why he's being defensive in many situations. Fear of being proved wrong, trying to protect his ego, insecure about his own feeling or other reasons that's causing him to not accept or try to communicate with you in a mature manner.

  4. #4
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    He may be very insecure about the relationship. Scared that you will want to leave him and so plays the victim without realizing. He may feel not good enough for you and when you point out something he is doing wrong it feels to him like the house of cards may be toppling.

    Even with that you should bring up issues as they come, he needs to learn to accept that you are with him by choice and having a fight or getting mad won't necessarily change that. Anger and fights with people close to you are natural, you can't avoid fighting, and you shouldn't hold in your emotions.

    My advice is to very calmly talk to him about this possible insecurity. The key is to not only speak calmly, but to choose your words carefully. Make sure you're not blaming him or telling him he is wrong. Bring it up as an issue between both of you that neither is to blame for. Something like, "I find myself avoiding conflict with you to the point where I am holding back my feelings. I need to know that you can handle discussing problems without taking them personally." That could get the ball rolling. Something along those lines. Good luck.

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  6. #5
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    The clue is in your thread title. You do need outside help, and I'd suggest you find someone who will work with you along the lines of Transactional Analysis, where you learn which 'voice' you are using - Parent, Adult, Child...

    Whatever you say to him, he is hearing Nagging/Disapproving Parent (maybe something to do with his childhood) and he is reacting as a child.

    You do need help because this really not a healthy way to be, and it is perfectly possible to learn to be different.

    Even the eye-rolling is the response of a teenager to their unreasonable mother! lol
    It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, It is because we do not dare that they are difficult. (Seneca)

  7. #6
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    Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it. He has gone to a therapist before, but I don't think it was very helpful because he didn't know what to talk about when he was there. I've payed attention lately and noticed that he's the type of person that thinks he's right and anyone who doesn't agree with him is wrong. And not just with me, but with his colleagues, his family, politically. I do think if I go with him to therapy, that will help.

    It's just so incredibly frustrating for me. I agree that every relationship will have conflict, but with him, it feels like I'm not supposed to ever get upset with him...over anything. Like I'm supposed to be 100% happy with him all the time.

  8. #7
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    You might want to google Narcissist and see if anything rings a bell...
    It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, It is because we do not dare that they are difficult. (Seneca)

  9. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Speranza View Post
    The clue is in your thread title. You do need outside help, and I'd suggest you find someone who will work with you along the lines of Transactional Analysis, where you learn which 'voice' you are using - Parent, Adult, Child...

    Whatever you say to him, he is hearing Nagging/Disapproving Parent (maybe something to do with his childhood) and he is reacting as a child.

    You do need help because this really not a healthy way to be, and it is perfectly possible to learn to be different.

    Even the eye-rolling is the response of a teenager to their unreasonable mother! lol
    Oh, you're right. He absolutely reacts childishly! When I try to talk to him, once we're in an argument, usually he won't even stay in the same room. I'll be sitting down, and he'll walk around, do the dishes, clean up, anything to avoid the conversation. Even if I can get him to sit in the same room and talk, he usually won't make eye contact. He'll stare at the wall.

    I definitely agree we need some outside help.



    Quote Originally Posted by Speranza View Post
    You might want to google Narcissist and see if anything rings a bell...
    Hahaha! Too funny!

  10. #9
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    Not sure 'funny' is the word...
    It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, It is because we do not dare that they are difficult. (Seneca)

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by SDAL View Post
    You know the saying 'It's not what you say, it's how you say it'? This doesnít apply to my boyfriend. He's driving me nuts because if he thinks I'm even a little upset with him about something, he gets extremely defensive. No kidding, something really small that I'm not even angry about will get blown up into a huge, messy fight if I donít keep my cool. If I'm upset over something and I know I need to talk to him, I will rack my brain trying to find the right words to use so he won't feel attacked. But it doesn't do any good because no matter what words I use or what tone of voice, he will get defensive and blow things up. I've figured out that no matter how I approach him, he will manipulate the situation to make himself the victim and me the bad person. For example, no matter how calm I am, he'll accuse me of yelling at him, even when I've done nothing of the sort. The thing is, is that he honestly believes I've yelled at him. Almost like we werenít even in the same conversation.

    Mind you, I don't bring things up to him all that often. I would say that generally I'm pretty happy with myself and the relationship. Except for this, the relationship is really good. But this one thing is making me resent him. I'm actually holding back from discussing things with him because it's less stressful for me to do that than to try to talk to him about what ever it is. I suggested that we talk to a therapist about this. He rolled his eyes but agreed. Is this how other couples fight? I feel like I'm trying so hard to fight fair and I just can't do anything right. Help

    This is kind of how my husband is. And pretty much exactly the way I feel about it. The thing is with him though is that he knows he's manipulating the situation and he knows that he's wrong. We've talked about this a number of times. I ask him all the time how he is so good at manipulating things to make me feel like I am going crazy. We both know that it's getting out of control and that he is being childish and twisting things around, but somehow it still makes me crazy.

    He's been going to therapy for a couple of months now and it is really helping. We've been able to talk about things and even talk about him being manipulative. He's really trying and I can see it. I think your boyfriend would have to be willing to see that he has a problem and be willing to work on it for anything to change.

    Try and find a time when he is in a good mood, and being really loving and then try to bring it up in a non confrontational way. That's how I got thru to my husband. He wanted to change because he saw how it was affecting me.

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