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Boyfriend is way too indecisive


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My boyfriend is really laid back, which is great, but he's almost too laid back. To the point where he can't make decisions and it's driving me crazy. We had the whole weekend together, had plans to go to the beach, go to a festival here in town, go fishing with his friend, etc. That's fine, we came to that decision together. But when it comes to making the decisions at the last minute, that's the problem. All I ever get when I throw out an idea is "Whatever you want to do, baby." If I ask him what he feels like doing, "Whatever you want is fine wiht me."

 

Now, for a control freak like me, that sounds ideal, right? But it's not. I don't want to make all the decisions!! Like we planned to go to the beach yesterday b/c it was nice out. Both of us wanted to do that, cool. Before we went, we wanted to stop somewhere and eat. I asked where he felt like eating. He said "I don't really care". Ok, I say "How about that bagel place?" I get "I don't really like bagels." "Ok so where then?" "It doesn't matter to me." If he really did care, why not say it? I feel like I have to throw out all the details and come up with the next thing to do.

 

Then last night we were trying to figure out what to do today. We didn't go fishing with his friend last night and we didn't make it to the festival yesterday, so I asked last night if he wanted to do the beach again with some friends and then go to the festival. He said just before he wnt to bed that we'll "play it by ear" (always his answer). He said he had some stuff to help his dad with at home and when I asked him for specifics, he said he didn't know. This mroning we wake up and asks what I want to do. Asks if I am going to the beach and stuff with my friend. I told him I didn't decide yet b/c he said he wanted to play everything by ear. And then he says "Well I have to go help my dad with that stuff before noon." He hadn't talked to his dad at all from the time he went to sleep to the time he woke up! Why didn't he tell me the specifics last night? So now I feel like I had to put a hold on my plans b/c I didn't know if he was included in the plans or not but now he tells me he had set plans to help his dad by X time. How is that playing it by ear????

 

It's really driving me mad. When I ask him why he doesn't give me any ideas, he just says he is laid back. But then when I throw out an idea, he says he doesnt want to do that. Or when I ask him what he feels like doing, he says "Whatever youw ant to do baby". He seriously told me he says that b/c he "doesnt want to upset me". I asked him if he's scared of me or something, and he says no not at all, but that he just doesn't want me to be upset with his opinion. How would I get upset about where we grab breakfast before the beach???

 

I'm not a spontaneous person in a whirlwind sort of way. When it comes to getting something to eat or whatever, I can decide quickly. I like to make plans but not to the point of stone in everything. Mostly I just like to have a general idea of what we'll do around what time, just so I can know waht to expect somewhat. If we have set in stone plans, then yea, it bothers me if they get messed up. He told me today he'll be back around 2, but I know for a fact if he's not, I'll be very bothered by it b/c that is, to me, a set time. Like if you can't make it, don't say it. I have no idea if he'll be back around 2 but I know it'll bother me if he's not, even if I go out and do my own thing today, b/c I'll make sure I'm back by 2 to meet him.

 

I don't know what to do. He says he just likes to come to a compromise all the time, and lately it feels like he's the onyl one compromising. But how can I compromise if I'm the only one who comes up with things to do? He doesn't give me anything to compromise on! Like it bothers him that I'm always the one coming up with ideas or plans!!!

 

It's really really starting to piss me off. It's like this all the time. I love that he's laid back b/c I'm not so laid back all the time and it works for us, but he's way too laid back for my taste. I need even just a little assertiveness and decision making! Why can't he give me that?

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i think he is trying to please you by going along with what you say. i was that guy before and the guy i was with told me it was driving him crazy! lol. i wanted him to like me, so then i decided to make some decisions (ie, let's BBQ for dinner tonight). i don't know why he won't make some concrete decisions like, 'let's get chinese.' no idea.

 

maybe you can just go along with that? it sounds like it's just who he is.

 

i would be annoyed with the last minute plans to help out dad though. the good news is that your guy seems pretty mellow, so talking about it, i bet he won't do that in the future.

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i think he is trying to please you by going along with what you say. i was that guy before and the guy i was with told me it was driving him crazy! lol. i wanted him to like me, so then i decided to make some decisions (ie, let's BBQ for dinner tonight). i don't know why he won't make some concrete decisions like, 'let's get chinese.' no idea.

 

maybe you can just go along with that? it sounds like it's just who he is.

 

i would be annoyed with the last minute plans to help out dad though. the good news is that your guy seems pretty mellow, so talking about it, i bet he won't do that in the future.

 

how can I go along wiht "whatever you want baby" though? I don't want to make all teh decisions. I like to have his input too b/c I want him to be happy with what we do. And if I do throw out a suggestion b/c he says "whatever you want", he dismisses it! If he doesn't like what I come up wth, he's really not saying "whatever you want is fine wiht me". Because it's not fine with him, clearly.

 

i am seriously at a loss here and it's making me turn into a big beeyotch with him.

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he jsut texted me and said "let me know if you're not going to be home by 2". i said "if you're planning to be here at 2, i will be here at 2". he said "i will be there". we decided on 2 b/c that's the time he put out there. I will stick to that. It's really irking me though about all of this. ANd I've done enough griping at him this weekend and need to stop--I seriously was so snappy and mean this weekend b/c of all of it (it's like it built up for so long and finally exploded on me) and I'm making myself hold back from griping at him again about it.

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i don't know - i would just tell him again that you really like it when he makes some decisions.

 

what are his parents like? is his mom the big decision maker and his dad just goes along with it?

 

i have! That's when he said he doesn't want me to be upset with what decision he comes up with and that's why he lets me decide. It goes in a circle. Every time.

 

His dad is really laid back, his mom is really high maintenance. I've written threads about her before. She always needs someone to do things for her, even things she's capable of herself (like going to get cigarettes from the store). His dad is very easy-going too, so I know that's where he gets it from. His dad is still recovering from his 3-month stint in the hospital though so I haven't seen them get out and do much.

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I feel where you're coming from and I get how annoying that may be after a while. I've dated women like that in the past that just rely on me to make all the decisions for everything. It's like they're not really playing the part by just sitting back on cruise control and not grabbing the wheel, sometime.

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how can I go along wiht "whatever you want baby" though? I don't want to make all teh decisions. I like to have his input too b/c I want him to be happy with what we do. And if I do throw out a suggestion b/c he says "whatever you want", he dismisses it! If he doesn't like what I come up wth, he's really not saying "whatever you want is fine wiht me". Because it's not fine with him, clearly.

 

i am seriously at a loss here and it's making me turn into a big beeyotch with him.

 

Oooh... I have a friend like this. Yes - it IS annoying. He knows it annoys the heck out of me - but I just don't think he knows he's doing it. My solution? When I want HIM to make a decision I ask what he wants to do. When he says "whatever you want" - I just sit there silently and blink at him. When he says "what's wrong?" I say "well - I am waiting for you to make a decision".

 

It's slightly passive-aggressive, but it usually works.

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so he started texting me about how he hopes today is better than yesterday and all that stuff so now we're talking about it. he literally just said "I just want you to be happy and I thought you being in control made you happy".

 

Wow. That really really hurts.

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Oooh... I have a friend like this. Yes - it IS annoying. He knows it annoys the heck out of me - but I just don't think he knows he's doing it. My solution? When I want HIM to make a decision I ask what he wants to do. When he says "whatever you want" - I just sit there silently and blink at him. When he says "what's wrong?" I say "well - I am waiting for you to make a decision".

 

It's slightly passive-aggressive, but it usually works.

 

i've doen the same thing with him before. I have said "That's not the answer I was looking for". Like if I say "Do you want to go to such and such" (a yes or no response is clearly needed) and he says "Whatever you want", I will say "That's not yes or no". And he'll say "Do you want to?" And I'll say "Give me a yes or no" and he'll say "I want what you want".

 

Seriously, doesn't work with him.

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No matter how you analyze it, I think he's lazy. He must think you're happier in charge because you probably seem to be. He didn't just become like this, did he?

 

Maybe you could tell him you wanna be loved, not just agreed with.

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i've doen the same thing with him before. I have said "That's not the answer I was looking for". Like if I say "Do you want to go to such and such" (a yes or no response is clearly needed) and he says "Whatever you want", I will say "That's not yes or no". And he'll say "Do you want to?" And I'll say "Give me a yes or no" and he'll say "I want what you want".

 

Seriously, doesn't work with him.

 

you're pretty much the alpha dog here and he is the beta dog.

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No matter how you analyze it, I think he's lazy. He must think you're happier in charge because you probably seem to be. He didn't just become like this, did he?

 

Maybe you could tell him you wanna be loved, not just agreed with.

 

That's a good thing to tell him, Dako. No, he didn't just become like this. We've been together 6 months now and I've told him before that I wish he would make more decisions.

 

With friends, I want us to all do what we all feel like doing. So I will say to friends if they ask where we want to meet, "What do you guys have in mind?" in order to come to a compromise. I'll say the same thing to my boyfriend. He makes me make all the decision. In a group, it's much less one-sided. In a relationship, it can't be. At least not in my relationship.

 

you're pretty much the alpha dog here and he is the beta dog.

 

I don't want to be the alpha dog

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Thats a huge issue for my friend and his girl as well. I have been caught it a couple awkward moments with her telling him to make some decisions at dinner or in the car, which is the best.

 

I have no idea how to solve that, for my friend thats his personality. He's a people pleaser and will do anything to make other people happy, ie letting them make all the decisions. If this is the type of person he is I don't think your going to be able to change him, nor should you try.

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He told me he doesn't think it's all a big deal, that it's a little issue. Yes, it is, really, but when all those little occurences start to pile up, it creates one big pile to deal with. He says he told me last night he didn't want to go to the beach with who asked us to go, but he didn't say that he had to help his dad around the time I could be going to the beach either. He says his decision is whatever as long as he's spending time with me, and I told him that's always my priority too but he needs to let me know something so that I can make other plans too. I changed my work schedule today to accommodate spending time with him. That's fine if I'm not b/c his dad needs help but he didn't tell me that before this morning. I can't deal with not having a general idea of what we're doing. It's like he doesn't communicate with me at all.

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I was with an indecisive guy, then a control freak, and then am now with a guy that shares some qualities to yours.

 

To me, it doesn't seem like he is indecisive. Indecisive would be him saying "i want to go to get chinese food or burgers. I can't make up my mind" (and then him obsessing about it for an hour and worrying about making the wrong choice. It just seems on small choices, like dinner, he is flexible. You are not mentioning any choices that are any critical matters for me to really analyze it.

 

For my relationship, I have found that its not that my guy doesn't care - he has a variety of interests, and he has fun at no matter what he does - so it truly does not matter if we go for steak or for ramen noodles to him. The attitude is that we have fun no matter what. Now - for the bigger decisions in life, he wants me to be happy - but he also carefully considers things and doesn't act until he knows where he stands on things. So he is 'go with the flow' but not a pushover. When there have been critical situations that have occurred, he is very patient, doesn't fly off the handle, but acts. I was hurt badly while we were together once (i fell off a ladder) and there was no indecision in him. If my control freak and demeaning ex was there, and I fell off the ladder, he would have fretted over me messing up plans for later and fretted over what additional problems I would cause (possible medical bills, all sorts of stuff) where my go with the flow guy was "in the moment" and was very supportive and calm and got right to the point.

 

It used to annoy me that he would "play it by ear" on when we would get together, etc, but now that I am further in the relationship - I would not have it any other way. When curve balls are thrown at us from time to time throughout the day, instead of there being big stress over what we can't accomplish what we set out to, we enjoy what is going on then. Our "big plan" is just to be together and we end up doing most of what we had decided to do anyway, or find something better.

 

He has taught me to relax. Now when there are things that can't miss like a family party for grandma's 100th b.day, etc, I let him know in advance when it is and remind him and its not an option not to go. And in turn I go to his.

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He's such an amazing guy, don't get me wrong. He's amazing in so many ways. And he has wonderful assets and character traits. But sometimes those traits can go haywire to become flaws and I think that's what's happening here.

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He's such an amazing guy, don't get me wrong. He's amazing in so many ways. And he has wonderful assets and character traits. But sometimes those traits can go haywire to become flaws and I think that's what's happening here.

 

Tell him to get a magic ball to answer for him. You: Do you want to go to the beach today? Him: (shakes ball) Very Doubtful.

 

Your Welcome

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Well good traits can become bad traits under different contexts. But part of being a man is knowing when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and when to run. If you are just one dimensional these things will happen, but in his defense he's probably still in his 20's and finding himself.

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