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  1. #1
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    Monogamy before sex? Or Sex before monogamy?

    I'm getting to the point in my life where i'm just not dating to date anymore. I mean, I'm looking for Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now.
    But guys (and most woman) these days seem to sleep w/ people and then expect monogamy. So if i'm really not ready for sex...and i tell this guy i'm dating that i'm not ready, do you think it'll increase my chances for monogamy (with him)? Or do men/women need to see if there is any physical chemistry before they decide they want to be exclusive?

  2. #2
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    this is a conversation i think you should have in person. it's not about 'increasing chances of monogamy' but finding the right man for you. i've seen some dating advice books say you should wait 4 months before sex. because then you've really gotten a chance to get to know them. i think that they might have a point.

    i would just tell the guy you are dating you are not one for casual sex and you want to wait until you are in an exclusive relationship. it's ok to draw the line where you stand!
    There's no place like 127.0.0.1.



  3. #3
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    I needed to see whether we had physical chemistry before being exclusive and I knew whether we did from my desire to touch him (meaning, hold hands, hug, or similar) and from my desire to kiss him whether or not we actualy kissed.

    I had no desire to be auditioned, or to audition anyone else, as to their technique or style as far as sexual intercourse and I also knew that for me, I wouldn't be "good in bed" unless we were in love, exclusive, and with strong potential for marriage, so the "test drive" approach never worked for me.

    My last relationship started a little less than 5 years ago and we were in our late 30s - before him I had several serious relationships in my 20s and 30s and never had sex before we were in love, exclusive and committed (not just monogamous which to me means you're allowed to date others but not have sex with others).


    I never was exclusive before we'd kissed and been physically affectionate but that wasn't part of the "test" either.

    In my serious relationships except for one the men were comfortable with waiting until I was comfortable (which usually was about three months, sometimes more, sometimes a little less). The one who wasn't wanted monogamy, not exclusivity and broke up with me after 4.5 months of dating. I think he was never "that" into me, in retrospect and I am sorry I made an exception (he never used the L word so I guess I need to modify what I wrote above).

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by lilred View Post
    So if i'm really not ready for sex...and i tell this guy i'm dating that i'm not ready, do you think it'll increase my chances for monogamy (with him)?
    Well, no. If a guy wants to have sex with you that badly but also doesn't want to commit, he could just.... lie. It's perfectly easy to tell someone you're not seeing anyone else.

    I don't think there's much correlation between when you have sex and if they commit. You should just do it when it feels natural and right between you. I slept with my boyfriend on the first date and we've now been together 8 months, but other women will tell you about men who've said they can't respect a woman who would do that. Personally, I think it just depends on how much you like the person.

    True, if you can keep a guy around for several months without sex then he's probably interested in you as a person - but you might get burned by this if a guy decides you can't be that into him when you won't do anything physical with him.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    Sex should never be used as a pawn for anything, whether that is 'i'll trade sex for your commitment of exclusivity' or anything else.

    Sex is a very important 'glue' in relationships that keeps couples bonded, or can break the bond if there is no sex or the sex is bad. So sex should be something that you share because you want to share it, and for some people, they only want to share with people they are really confident will lead to a permanent relationship, and for other people, they see sex as less entangled wiht permanency and hence can have sex early on.

    So sex bears no relationship to whether the relationship will stay permanent or not.

    I think you should have sex when you feel comfortable enough to have sex with the person, and really desire it. That is an individual thing, and you can also negotiate the timing of that with a partner. Some guys may want it very early on, but if they like you enough they'll wait a while, and some guys may feel they want to wait months before having sex because they see sex as more 'sacred' than 'fun' in that they don't take sex lightly.

    So you can only be open and talk about it with your partner. There is no right or wrong answer, just what works for you.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member alli's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lilred View Post
    So if i'm really not ready for sex...and i tell this guy i'm dating that i'm not ready, do you think it'll increase my chances for monogamy (with him)? Or do men/women need to see if there is any physical chemistry before they decide they want to be exclusive?
    I don't think waiting for sex will increase or decrease your chances of monogamy. Just knowing that most people you casually date do not progress to a monogamous relationship, you will greatly decrease your amount of casual sex if you wait a several months to see if things pan out before getting intimate with them. If a person is very attracted to you & is also looking for a monogamous relationship, I don't think they would give that up just because you won't have sex right away. You also won't get commitment from a person by witholding sex for X number of days. So I don't think doing this will help or hinder you from finding a relationship, but it will help you to not sleep with a bunch of people, and it sounds like you don't want that anyway.

    And you can definitely tell if there is physical chemistry with a person without actually having sex.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lilred View Post
    I'm getting to the point in my life where i'm just not dating to date anymore. I mean, I'm looking for Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now.
    But guys (and most woman) these days seem to sleep w/ people and then expect monogamy. So if i'm really not ready for sex...and i tell this guy i'm dating that i'm not ready, do you think it'll increase my chances for monogamy (with him)? Or do men/women need to see if there is any physical chemistry before they decide they want to be exclusive?
    It really depends on the guy...some guys will run 10 miles in the other direction if you tell them you want to get to know them better before having sex....other guys will be happy to wait...and other guys will tell you they will wait but in the meantime have sex with other women until you decide. You need to judge the character of the person and only time will tell. The bottom line is that someone will be monogamous if that is what they truly believe in, even at the initial stages of dating.

  8. #8

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    I have to say I am happy to read these results. On other dating sites, people (mostly guys) mentioned that if the other doesn't put out right away, they ditch them. This is another reason why I am anti online dating

    When I was in my 20's-early 30's I didn't have a set time to have sex or not. As a result, many times I ended up having sex too soon, and in some cases the guy wasn't interested in a relationships, just sex. I regret much of this because I rushed relationships and many were nothing more than fwb's. It devastated me many times thinking we were a couple and we were not. Eventually I want a very serious relationship and have decided I am going to wait until it gets to the stage where I am either moving in with someone or engaged. The guy I like is the one who suggested this as well because he doesn't want to rush into anything. Plus, I think he's scared I will get pregnant. He's not interested in having sex at all with anyone else. Whether I get serious or not with him is yet to be decided (neither one of us wants a serious relationship now, but hopefully in the future), but I plan to be like that with any guy I may date. As one gets older, sex is not as important and more meaningful with someone I love.

    I will admit many guys when I tell them this have rejected me. I don't care because there are more important things in a relationship, such as friendship.
    Last edited by newwave; 04-04-2010 at 03:19 PM.

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
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    My boyfriend waited a long time for me. And, I sort of waited a long time for him as the want to wait was mutual. Some men aren't compatible with me as they'd want to have sex off the bat. Some men would be willing to wait and are compatible in that department.

    However, waiting to have sex or having sex will not guarantee anything.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Batya33 View Post
    I needed to see whether we had physical chemistry before being exclusive and I knew whether we did from my desire to touch him (meaning, hold hands, hug, or similar) and from my desire to kiss him whether or not we actualy kissed.

    I had no desire to be auditioned, or to audition anyone else, as to their technique or style as far as sexual intercourse and I also knew that for me, I wouldn't be "good in bed" unless we were in love, exclusive, and with strong potential for marriage, so the "test drive" approach never worked for me.

    My last relationship started a little less than 5 years ago and we were in our late 30s - before him I had several serious relationships in my 20s and 30s and never had sex before we were in love, exclusive and committed (not just monogamous which to me means you're allowed to date others but not have sex with others).


    I never was exclusive before we'd kissed and been physically affectionate but that wasn't part of the "test" either.

    In my serious relationships except for one the men were comfortable with waiting until I was comfortable (which usually was about three months, sometimes more, sometimes a little less). The one who wasn't wanted monogamy, not exclusivity and broke up with me after 4.5 months of dating. I think he was never "that" into me, in retrospect and I am sorry I made an exception (he never used the L word so I guess I need to modify what I wrote above).

    You know.... I have always wanted to take things very slow physically in a relationship. Sad thing is, it has never worked for me. If the sex comes fast, but not too fast (e.g. somewhere between 3 weeks and a month and a half, depending on how much time we are spending together) then things seem to work out. If the sex doesn't come at that point, it hasn't been because the girl just wanted to get to know me better, it was because she wasn't interested in a relationship.

    The last girl I dated I did *everything* right. We dated about 2 months. I treated her great. We were progressing physically, but slowly. She gave some signs that led me to believe she really liked me and just wanted to take some time (and in retrospect some mixed signals as well). But the sex didn't happen, and in fact, just as we were about to reach the point where it should have, she started flaking out.

    I think in this case it came down to the fact that I am very emotionally available and ready for a relationship right now and this girl has some huge intimacy issues but still..... waiting for sex has just never worked for me.

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