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  1. #1
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    My ex is nice one minute and then is mean and spiteful the next...is he not over me/us?

    He broke up with me. After 3 years and in the middle of planning a wedding, he called things off. He moved out, but still came around to hang out and we even went on some dates. He would do this hot/cold thing, would be nice one minute and then act as if i annoyed him the next. He got jealous when I was hanging out with other guys and then flipped out when he found out I would go make plans with other people when he would cancel plans we had made.

    Now, he is still doing the hot/cold thing about exchanging stuff (he is still not done moving out), but we are no longer hanging out. Every chance he gets, he says a mean comment. He tells me what a waste of time I am and how I was not an addition to his life, etc. Then I find out from friends that he has not been sleeping well, isn't really happy, and has been drinking quite a bit at home in his new apartment. I get some texts from him when he is nice and talks to me, but then does a 180 the next.

    What does this mean? Have any of you dealt with a Jekyll/Hyde situation like this? I've never seen this side of him and I am unclear as to whether he is really done or just hurt (his friends say they think he's realized what a mistake he made by breaking things off and just has too much pride to ask me back, etc.) because we are broken up. I am so confused. I still love him and would be willing to forgive him for everything, but I just don't know how much more I can take.

  2. #2
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    im in a similar situation but i think your case is more severe than mine... my ex broke up with me a yr ago at it was for good. after that he had a 3 month relationship right away which i see to be a rebound. it was blatantly clear to everyone around that he was in depression. just like your guy, my ex was not sleeping well, isn't really happy, and drank a lot. the new girl was a kind of happy pill in his mind i guess. eventually she's had enough and dumped him for someone new.....

    i stayed far far away as much as i could when his new relationship started. i was not about to let him have the best of both worlds. but after he's single again, he started to contact me more and told me wut happened. so ever since then we've been in consistent contact, and this is where the hot and cold stuff comes in. Mind you, we are trying to 'friends'. truthfully, i've come to a conclusion that i can live without having him in my life as a friend but i never seem to find the strength block him out of my life. as a result we sort of have a friends with benefits dynamic which i completely resent. i do not want the relationship we had which i considered so special to be watered down to a friends with benefits thing!! you know what i mean??

    alright, back to the hot and cold. whenever i pull away, he runs after me, needing to talk about something that made him 'sad about the world', or just trying to catch up n see wut i've been up to. he would even leave voicemails urging me to call back because he has "something really cool" to tell me. however, more than often, when i reach out to him, he seems indifferent and sometimes even annoyed if i called to vent about things that upset me. other times he simply ignores my messages/texts that is only a plain "hey how are you doing", not even anything crazy that drives ppl away. basically he completely dictates when we are in touch, and only at his convenience?

    just like you. I am tired of this hot and cold thing coz i feel like this person doesn't actually truly care about me. im tired of being shunned and then thinking, "right here we go again, why did i try to text n say hi again?"

    i agree with you this is really confusing stuff. in your case, your friends' explanation may not be wrong. or he could still just be dealing with the pain of ending the relationship, but not clear of what he wants, and at the same time feels hurt or bitter to realize u do not sit around moping whenever he's cancels plans with you since I guess that's somewhat of an ego blow. He doesn't want you now, but doesn't want you to hang out with others either.

    I'm not sure if I gave much insight. Hope it helped at least a little?

  3. #3
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    He sounds like he was being horrible to you though- telling you you're a waste of time? Whats up with that?
    Even if someone IS very unhappy thats no excuse to be -quite frankly- so foul to someone they were with for three years, considered marrying etc.
    He sounds unstable at the moment- which might be because of the breakup but it might be something else.

    Why did he call things off?

  4. #4
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    it does. a friend of mine told me that his depression and sadness is his doing, that it is not my fault that he is feeling this way. i try not to contact him unless i have to, especially since he has not contacted me. i changed my #, so contact is only through email. however, i just don't understand why any interaction between us, considering how polite i am, always leads to something malicious on his end. i mean, if he was done, why is there still some emotion there, no matter how negative? i do not mean to be grasping for straws, i just still really love him and we were going through stressful time when he broke up with me....and to be honest, i am willing to let it all go if he just go this head straight and discussed with me that he wanted to get back together (if that was the case).

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  6. #5
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    he recently got a new position at work and it has been a huge learning curve, so that has been stressful. on top of that, he had two deaths in the family plus one sickness. and i think the wedding stuff was starting to get to him, although it felt like he was all for it since we had finalized the invitations and had just gotten our wedding rings engraved. the reasons he told me was that he was just unhappy and didn't know why. we were perfectly fine before the work and family issues. the reasons he has told others 1) i am not as financially independent as him (i am a graduate student and while i work full time, he makes more $ because he is not in college), 2) i wasn't being supportive about everything going on with him, 3) he no longer wanted to be with me.

    we no longer talk. yet i am still confused. and now, a good mutual friend (and his roommate) has asked me what ground rules i would need for us to get back together. i don't know if his roommate is meddling or if he is just trying to find info for my ex.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    It sounds like he is very unhappy and taking it out on you. Unhappy people lash out at the world and find fault with everyone, particularly someone who loves them. Unhappy people feel the need to drag down the person who loves them or anyone they feel envious about. His nasty comments to you are simply the comments of a very unhappy person who needs to feel superior by putting you down. Next time he puts you down you should tell him that this is unacceptable behaviour and to stop contacting you until he can get his act together and stop putting you down. Did he ever put you down during the relationship?

  8. #7
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    no, he did not. that is why i do not understand who he is now (hence jekyll/hyde reference). he was always sweet and loving and very overprotective. now, it's like i was yesterday's newspaper that just got tossed aside. yet, since i have moved on with my life and tried to be happy (no matter how much i miss him), i feel like he is punishing me. i read a post from december about a child with 10 toys and if you take away the toy he is ignoring, he still gets mad. i feel like i am in that situation. i want to help him, but i know i don't deserve this and i have never seen this side of him.

  9. #8
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    i don't understand why if a man feels that he is not happy in his life anymore, most often he jumps to the conclusion that it was the relationship or the woman that was not right, and feel the immediate need break away from it.

    the reason for his anger could be that he really wasn't over you or the relationship, or he even regrets breaking things off. however, he feels the need to follow through with the choice and so forces himself deal with it. as a result, the feeling of loss gets turned into extreme anger or hatred towards the other person. (a girlfriend of mine actually said that's how she eventually started feeling in order to make herself deal with her first love/real relationship, which proved to be really hard).

    also, since he was beginning to be unhappy prior to the break up like he told you, something inside of him has shifted. the trigger could be way deeper and subconscious for anyone to know right now.

    we wouldn't know if his roommate is meddling or just gather info for your ex. whether he is asking for himself or the ex, he would be in a position where he's trying to look out for the both of you right now. maybe he wants to help see what is the best possible, practical solution between you 2.

  10. #9
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    so should i put it out there that i am willing to reconcile? my position for the past 3 weeks has been that i was done and trying to move on. he's said and done some horrible things and i am just trying to enjoy being by myself. i am scared that if i allow myself to publicize that i want to be with him, he will use it as a means to lash out at me even more OR we will reconcile and the other shoe will drop and i will be devastated yet again.

    i have slept on this and i do want him back, but not in the same relationship we had prior. i have enjoyed my freedom and realize that i am an awesome person without him, but i do miss him terribly. i miss our inside jokes and our commentary and i miss his very presence in my life. i do have ground rules and they reflect where i am at now (nowhere near the getting married situation anymore), i just do not know if i should pass that information along. in the event his roommate was just meddling or being curious, i don't want it to look like i am still clinging on to a situation that is irreparable.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    You can always tell his roommate that you would love to reconcile with the man your ex was before, not the mean, spiteful, doesn't have his act together man he is now. In other words, you can make it clear you are open to reconciliation only if you ex gets his act together.

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