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  1. #1

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    Question Afraid to live alone..I need help

    Hi, I am 46 years old and could really use some guidance. I have never lived alone but now find myself in a difficult situation. I have been living for the last few years with my mother. My husband died a few years ago and I never had any children. The problem is my mother can be a really a mean person and quite controlling at times. NOBODY in the family gets along with her including my brother, sister, my father and countless others. (just one example of how mean she can be: she refused to walk down the aisle of church for my brother's wedding because she did not approve of who my brother was marrying: the girl was half-Jewish and there was nothing more to it than that, another example- she used to call my sister fat while she was growing up). Well, the truth is I am afraid to live alone. I never have and when I analyze my situation I realize that I am a dependent person- I do not know how or believe I can make it on my own. I am now financially in much better shape (good, stable career) and would like to leave because I feel like I can't live with someone who is so poisonous to be around even if she is my mother. I know I should leave but I can't. I am afraid of two things about being alone: one is sleeping at night- afraid of break-ins, attackers esp. being female and also just find it hard to sleep at night knowing I am alone in the house. The other thing I fear is if I get sick and I am alone. For example, I have two coworkers in their mid forties who were just diagnosed with breast cancer and I think about if that happened to me at my age, how I would deal with that living alone with no help.
    I don't think it is right for any female to live alone because it is hard especially if you are getting older but what is my alternative?: to continue to live with someone who truly is impossible. I feel like my only choice is to take the risks of living alone versus living with someone with so much hate and under someone's total control and manipulation. It is probably hard for some people to understand this because most people, I think ,do have a loving mother (there are some times when she can be loving but it is not too many). Any help would be appreciated. I might need counseling to get me out of this situation. Oh, and if I do try to leave, she will definitely discourage it and try to stop me.

  2. #2
    JusticeLaw9's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by slm View Post
    Hi, I am 46 years old and could really use some guidance. I have never lived alone but now find myself in a difficult situation. I have been living for the last few years with my mother. My husband died a few years ago and I never had any children. The problem is my mother can be a really a mean person and quite controlling at times. NOBODY in the family gets along with her including my brother, sister, my father and countless others. (just one example of how mean she can be: she refused to walk down the aisle of church for my brother's wedding because she did not approve of who my brother was marrying: the girl was half-Jewish and there was nothing more to it than that, another example- she used to call my sister fat while she was growing up). Well, the truth is I am afraid to live alone. I never have and when I analyze my situation I realize that I am a dependent person- I do not know how or believe I can make it on my own. I am now financially in much better shape (good, stable career) and would like to leave because I feel like I can't live with someone who is so poisonous to be around even if she is my mother. I know I should leave but I can't. I am afraid of two things about being alone: one is sleeping at night- afraid of break-ins, attackers esp. being female and also just find it hard to sleep at night knowing I am alone in the house. The other thing I fear is if I get sick and I am alone. For example, I have two coworkers in their mid forties who were just diagnosed with breast cancer and I think about if that happened to me at my age, how I would deal with that living alone with no help.
    I don't think it is right for any female to live alone because it is hard especially if you are getting older but what is my alternative?: to continue to live with someone who truly is impossible. I feel like my only choice is to take the risks of living alone versus living with someone with so much hate and under someone's total control and manipulation. It is probably hard for some people to understand this because most people, I think ,do have a loving mother (there are some times when she can be loving but it is not too many). Any help would be appreciated. I might need counseling to get me out of this situation. Oh, and if I do try to leave, she will definitely discourage it and try to stop me.
    Hello,

    Honestly, I was touched by your post. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your husband. It sounds like your chin is up though and you're moving forward with your life but as you say feel uncertain about the direction to turn in. Sweetheart, you can do anything in the world you put your mind to. Living alone is a lot of accountability on yourself, but after a while you do get used to it and it does get better. I personally enjoy it because I don't have those extra mouths in my ear when I need to rest or would like some peace.

    However, living alone is a personal decision that has to be made by you; no one else. If your situation bothers you so to the point that you feel it's holding you back, then you have to ask yourself: Is this really what you want? And how much longer are you willing to endure this? It's not the greatest advice I'm sure, but I hope it helps some at least.

    Blessings...

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
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    I think moving out on your own would be the most self empowering thing you could do. Not everything about living alone is easy, but I can assure you it's much easier than enduring what you are going through now. Think of the freedom and independence that living on your own will bring you. Not to mention the peace of mind. You can do better than being in the position of answering to your mother. You should pull up stakes and strike out on your own. Start a new chapter in your life. It's the best gift you could give to yourself.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Living on your own could be the best thing you've ever done. View it as a new chapter in your life, growth, doing something positive for yourself and all empowering. The freedom it allows you is another bonus. Being on your own is not half as scarey as you imagine it to be. You'd probably find a lot more positives than you think.

    Wish you well.
    Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

    Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones.

  5. #5

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    Good news, everyone!
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    Yes, this is huge growth opportunity for you. You're still young and can start a completely new life, IMO.

    For security concerns, you have a few options. You could live in a secure apartment/condo unit (if you like living like that), which has it's own security. You could do some sort of roommate situation, perhaps as a transition to living completely alone. Also - do you like dogs? Get a really big dog .

  6. #6
    Platinum Member thejigsup's Avatar
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    I'm 53 and have lived on my own for close to 20 years, since my divorce was final. I guess I don't think much about it. I hate living with anyone else (except my son), I always have since I was in my early thirties. I feel crowded and suffocated. That is the beauty of the human race, we are all different.

  7. #7
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    moved thread to personal growth.

    i don't know if you'll ever come back here to ENA, but my suggestion if you do move is to move somewhere with good security. like a nice apartment building with a doorman with cameras in the lobby. make sure to lock the doors and windows. many crimes are crimes of opportunity - ie, the burglar saw a window open or door unlocked. don't make it easy for them to get in! chances are that you will be fine.

    good luck
    There's no place like 127.0.0.1.



  8. #8

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    I completely understand. I am a 48 male and will be living alone for the first time EVER once my son heads off to college. I am very worried.

  9. #9
    Bronze Member Someday_Soon's Avatar
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    I'm in my early 30s and have lived alone almost a decade now. I rather enjoy it for the most part. I have a lot of intersts though that keep me entertained. I would challenge those who are faced with no other option to give it a chance. But, find a place that has active security patrols and alarms, etc. Once you have that basic peace of mind living alone is easier than you may think.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member iBroken's Avatar
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    I too was afraid of moving out on my own. I have never done it before. Ive lived with partners or roomates. After the end of my recent relationship, I decided it was time to grow up and live on my own.

    I just moved into my own place yesterday and so far, I love it. I just realized how quiet it is as I can hear the echo of my keys.....that just caused my heart to skip a beat for a brief second. But in the end, its a good thing. I can come and go as I please. I report to no one. I dont have to do anything unless I want to do it.

    I did shopping today and had ALOT of things. By myself, I had to unload the car by the door.....then go park my car in my spot, then move all the items to the elevator, then load them up alone, then unload them on my floor and then go back and forth from the elevator to my apartment (its way at the end of the hall). While doing this exercise, I actually felt empowered, and truly independent. For this reason, I know I will be okay and that I will love living on my own

    I think its a fear you overcome once YOU make the decision to live on your own

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