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People who break up with you because they are scared of hurting you – what’s the deal?!


headwreck

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I’ve had a couple of relationships like this, all is going well after about 3 /4 months – very well and then I get

“I could continue seeing you, I enjoy spending time with you, sharing things with you, care about you but I’m scared of hurting you…”

 

Nice. Well you have just hurt me because in my eyes you have been all over me for months, now you have just broken up with me for no reason….if you end up hurting me so be it, but lets see shall we!

 

To me it translates as, I am scared of taking a deep breath, committing and maybe getting hurt myself….

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That is a BS excuse designed to make themselves feel better because it gives the appearance of them being soooooo considerate of the other person! When you go to a store and the price is $9.99. That is marketing...it is subconsciously more palatable to the consumer to see that it is "under" $10.00 rather than actually seeing the price tag as $10.00. Same kind of deal with breaking up...he is "marketing" himself as the "good guy" who is so concerned for your welfare, when really it is all about him and how he doesn't really want the relationship for whatever other reason that has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to hurt you.

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I have to say I am totally with CAD on this one..

 

I'm so sorry if it hurts to hear but this is exactly how they behave when they no longer want to be with you.. It's their way of getting out of it without having the truth come out, but it is only about them not at all your feelings.

 

Christina

 

 

That is a BS excuse designed to make themselves feel better because it gives the appearance of them being soooooo considerate of the other person! When you go to a store and the price is $9.99. That is marketing...it is subconsciously more palatable to the consumer to see that it is "under" $10.00 rather than actually seeing the price tag as $10.00. Same kind of deal with breaking up...he is "marketing" himself as the "good guy" who is so concerned for your welfare, when really it is all about him and how he doesn't really want the relationship for whatever other reason that has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to hurt you.
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I would tend to agree with you but I had this out with one of my (female) friends this weekend.

 

She broke up with her boyf in this way. She said she could see him falling and was scared it wouldn't work. It put too much pressure on her. They had loads in common, best friends etc...she said in a kind of perverse way it was because she cared about him she broke up....she said she had a gut feeling it might not work....after 3 months I call that fear....she could find nothing wrong with him, not one thing

 

I told her she sounded like a commitment phobe Which I think she is...she says if she had met this particular guy in 5 years then maybe it would have worked, but at the moment she wants to see someone she doesn't care about.... I don't understand this!!!

 

Told her it was no coincidence that when she first met him, she told me isn't it typical someone comes along when you want ot be single.

I don't see the point in seeing someone for a few months if you don't want a relationship.

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I have to say I am totally with CAD on this one..

 

I'm so sorry if it hurts to hear but this is exactly how they behave when they no longer want to be with you.. It's their way of getting out of it without having the truth come out, but it is only about them not at all your feelings.

 

Christina

 

Oh i totally agree, I think it just calls into question WHY they don't want to be with you...

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Sad as it is I know, it's because the feeling whatever they had has now gone...

 

Why they can't just simply say it, as this would save so many from the "I love you but can't be with you anymore".. Or the "I don't want to hurt you but if I stay I know I will".

 

Sorry but this is lame by anyones standards..

 

Come out with it the way it is, as the pain from the truth is better then living with a lie that makes no sense.

 

Christina

 

Oh i totally agree, I think it just calls into question WHY they don't want to be with you...
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This excuse is along the same lines as, "It's not you, it's me" or, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" which really means, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you."

 

Please don't try to make excuses for her such as many do, by saying, "Oh, she's just confused."

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but you have no choice but to move on.

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I disagree about the whole it's all about them thing, the selfish idea here. Obviously the guy dated you for a bit and found that you're not exactly it. You aren't what he's going to marry. Thats what dating is about, kinda like trial and error, finding the one you want to marry and spend a life time with. He could continue dating you, he likes you enough for that, but doesn't see a life long commitment there. What would be selfish is if he stayed with you, just to not be alone, he knows that it's a waste of your time. So, he could continue to be with somebody he knows he's not going to marry and let that person invest months or years of emotional feeling, only to break it off when he finds the one he wants to marry, that would be selfish. So he could stay with you, he likes you and like being around you, but doesn't love you, the scared of hurting you I think is pretty obvious that he's saying he's scared your going to invest more into him than he can in you. He could stay with you, but he knows he'll hurt you more later.

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I actually agree Scout....

 

Maybe I worded the OP wrongly, what I'm really getting at is people who use it as a way out of a relationship they are terrified or not ready for - which is the case for many people I know who have used it.....they run at the first doubt for fear of feeling guilt....normally these people are overly romantic (imo).however I'm sure it is used as a "it's not you it's me" line as well. Every circumstance is different I guess...

 

My ex didn't actually use it, though I think he was scared of hurting me, he felt he hurt his ex before and history would repeat as he didn't want to marry.

 

My ex ex did use it. I def think it was a i'm terrified of a rel. He was waking up with palpitations in the middle of the night b/c of worry about the 'pressure' of the rel... (we'd been seeing eachother 3 months!) But he'd had a horrifically bad breaj up before me.

 

My friend who broke up for that reason, proceeded to get back with her ex a further 2 times but freaked out that it wouldn't work....not that it wasn't working but that it maybe wouldn't.

 

I don't really know what my point is! Just that I wish people would always let a relationship run it's course and not run for fear of getting hurt or causing hurt...

 

On the other hand I'm sure it is used as a line too....it kinda leave the door open and in 2 out of the 3 case above the exes wanted to stay best friends with the dumpee

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She said she could see him falling and was scared it wouldn't work. It put too much pressure on her.
I thought I would bold the pertinent text. This is all about her, just like it's all about the individuals who fool even themselves into believing they're breaking up for someone else's good. It's not true. Truth is, they're not as invested as the other person and are feeling the pressure.
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She is not breaking up with him because she cares, she is breaking up with him because she wants to play the field...she doesn't want a serious relationship. This is about HER not wanting to be tied down...she is just using this fake concern for him as a way to make it more palatable to herself that she is dumping a good guy in order to play the field.

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I know you're only giving your opinion, but she is my friend and i know for a fact that she is not doing it to "play the field". She broke up with him last over a year ago and hasn't kissed anyone since.

 

She genuinely was concerned about hurting him. I agree it had more to do with her though, she wasn't able to cope with the responsibility and pressure of someone loving her.

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I was a victim of this type of break up recently and would have to agree with the opinion that most have provided on this thread.

 

Here is the background on my situation. We met through some mutual friends and from the start we really hit it off. However, she was in a relationship at that time and I respected that. I befriended her on facebook but our communication was casual and limited – we went on with our own lives. Three months passed and I discovered that she is now single (fb status). I consulted a close friend if I should give chase now or would it be too soon. Perhaps I should wait and allow them time to reconcile. What worried me most was that she might rebound off me. My close friend considered the three months since she and I met as the waiting period and if I don’t make a move now somebody else will. So I did.

 

I initiated contact via text and kept it light and casual. Soon we were talking/texting everyday - we did this for two weeks straight. Our dates were simply amazing, the chemistry between us was intensely electric. Although I’m very passionate I remained a bit reserved, wanting to take it slow and feel her out. Well I dropped my guard the moment she confessed she wasn’t into playing games and wanted this all along. We went exclusive after two weeks of dating and became physically intimate shortly after.

 

Things went really well then suddenly, without any reason that I can think of, she began to distant herself. One month into the relationship I receive a break up text from her. Here is a summary of the text message: She said he likes me but don’t have time to be in a serious relationship due to work obligations… feels guilty about not being able to devote as much into the relationship as I had… would love to continue having casual dates with me and hang out at times… okay with remaining friends if I am looking for something serious. I was dumbfounded after learning this… well my reply was short. I told her I respect her decision and that we can take things slow… I’ll keep faith that one day our paths will cross again… and I understand if these were just kind words to let me off easy. I delete her contact off my phone immediately after sending the message.

 

After three agonizing days of analyzing over every detail as to what might have caused this break up I decided to send her an email. I told her that I am sad things didn’t work out for us and I still think of her as a good person and would like to remain friends. She emailed back the next day. In her message she gave a totally different reason for breaking up. She said she wanted to get to know me as a friend. If I didn’t mind she enjoy hanging out with me… said we approached this the wrong way in that we went for the relationship before the friendship and wanted to build on that foundation first… she gave me her contact and said to add her when I am ready. That left me confused and if what she was saying is true than there was still hope for a ‘us’.

 

I added her back after a few days and had infrequent chats for a week or so. We met up once just to hang out and neither of us brought up about what happened. We had a great time together – we joked, laughed, flirted – just like before. That night she wanted stay out longer and hang with me but I knew I had to hold back… I told her I had a prior engagement and dropped her off. Since then we had limited contact and none of it was ever initiated by her. I knew then it was going nowhere and there was no hope in pursuing this any further. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong… It was just not meant to be.

 

I’m now a little over a month into NC and the pain fades a bit with each passing day. Some of my friends thinks she scared and confused that we moved too fast. Others think it was a rebound while some believes she just wants to play the field. Taking everything into consideration and looking back now I would say our break up was a combination of a rebound, moving to fast, GIGS, etc. The bottom line, she was selfish all along and only wanted what was convenient for her. Perhaps her follow up email was just to offer a better excuse for breaking up so that she doesn’t look as bad but it gave me false hope. I don’t blame her we’re only human and we’re all selfish in our own way. Although I know it wouldn’t change a thing, my only regret was that I never told her that I love her when we were together. I continue to pray for her well being and happiness everyday.

 

So for anyone out there that has suffered this type of break up, pick up the pieces of your heart and move on. They are just not worth your time and effort… I wish you all the best.

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Like you 'ittakestwo' I'm in a very similar position as you. My ex-gf broke up with me 2.5 months ago giving me the same reasoning. She said she likes me , always has a good time with me but thought she should get over her situation first (being her feelings for her ex which she said she wouldn't go back to) and then we see and of course 'she doesn't want to hurt me and that if we stayed together longer it would just be worse'. I just don't get this reasoning cause of course she hurt me by breaking up with me and how does she know what would have happened later on in our relationship.

 

The thing is We were only going out for 4 months but I'm pretty sure there were feelings on both sides that could have developed into something more serious. She's a good girl, maybe a little on the selfish side in the way she handled things. We were in daily contact, going out often, no fights, no signs anything was wrong, then all of a sudden she breaks up with me by text. She did say she wanted to still chat times to times and we did a few times after but it wasn't really going any where so I stopped calling. It's been LC by text ever since which I always initiate and even told her i miss her a lot but that i wouldn't try to pressure her into getting back together, that that should be her decision which she said she knew and that i'm a very understanding guy and 'if necessary i should move on & that she didn't wanna promise things then let me down, she didn't want me to be sad'. Why say if and not just put me out of this sadness and say nothing's gonna happen, move on...the way she words things is confusing cause she doesn't cut me off but of course she never contacts me herself!

 

I've finally decided NC is the only option here because if I keep LC i'm going to be holding onto to her and the hope that she may give us another shot. I just keep over-analysing everything & its preventing me from getting on with life. If she really wants to try again one day she knows how to find me, till then I need to heal and try to move on. I just hope that by my silence she won't think I'm not interested any more. I'm just afraid I'll break one day a couple of months down the line and try to open up coomunication channels again.

 

From what I've understood about this whole 'not wanting to hurt you' line there are a few reasons which we're destined to keep wondering which one it was.

 

1) The dumper is no longer into you & you might just have been a rebound and is letting you down easy.

2) The dumper really does care for you but is just not in a place to have a relationship with you. So it becomes a case of wrong place, wrong time & the hope that one day the dumper will come around.

3) The dumper is afraid of getting hurt herself/himself.

 

We'll never know and that's what hurts and drags things out. My take on it is go NC. If your paths are supposed to meet again some day, they will. Till then move on with life and try to forgive and forget.

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draven -

 

I read your original post and I am sorry about your situation. Part of the reason why it's so hard to let go is because there is no real closure to the matter. The excuse given to break up was a lie, no doubt. It's an immature way to end the relationship. Your reasoning for this type of break up is logical and my ex has given off signs that validates all three. For me to move on and not to look back I choose to believe in #1, that she's no longer into me and was letting me off easy. Althought I've been actively dating I still miss her and think of her everyday. I hope it goes away soon...

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you should read the book, "Mars and venus on a date." it has a really good explanation about this. basically, if you act like you are at a stage beyond where the relationship is, it can make the other person feel like, "how can they be so certain that they are the one for me? i am not certain. i must not be the one for them. i should let them go." vs. if you are just acting cool, and at an appropriate stage, they are not as worried or anxious because there isn't as much at risk.

 

here's a really extreme example: you go out on a blind date with a guy. he's handsome, smart, funny, and loves all the things you love. things sound perfect, right? well, what if over appetizers, he starts talking about marrying you, and where you guys are going to go on your honeymoon. while you are sitting there trying to just decide what drink you wanted to order! it's just stage inappropriate and it would probably scare the crap out of you, thinking that there must be something wrong with this guy if he's talking about these things so early! whereas, if you were dating for a year, and he started talking about the honeymoon, you'd probably be happy.

 

if he's still in the 'uncertainty stage' and you are acting like you are in the 'committed' stage, it scares the guy off. read the chapter, it's a good one!

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She is not breaking up with him because she cares, she is breaking up with him because she wants to play the field...she doesn't want a serious relationship. This is about HER not wanting to be tied down...she is just using this fake concern for him as a way to make it more palatable to herself that she is dumping a good guy in order to play the field.

 

okay maybe i'm being an optimist, but why can't this actually be true. And I am someone who has very recently split with a commitment phobe, who cared about me a great deal. But if someone know's that they will freak out if things get any deeper either because they have issues or they just aren't ready for something real right now- don't they have the right to break it off?

 

Perhaps the way the above woman worded it wasnt entirely up front. She should have said something perhaps more like " i'm sorry I'm just not ready for this right now". But it would have still been the same result.

 

Is a person a villian because they don't want a relationship? I had to dump my ex (twice) because he didn't want committed relationship as I did. I'm not mad at him because he didn't want what I wanted. ( I'm AM mad at some of the tactics that he used to try to clarify our relationship as non-committal) but he has a right to "not be ready right now" or "not want to hurt me".

 

It may make him immature, or a person who has issues, or it could just mean he's not ready but it doesnt make him a jerk per se...(there are some other things that make him a jerk tho )

 

i hate how they think it's what's best for you and don't want to hurt you. but it's the complete opposite. they say things like that to make themselves feel better and less guilty.

 

This is true, but they are also saying it in hopes that what they are saying will hurt less. Would it feel better if they just said : " Eh....I just don't feel like it."

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you should read the book, "Mars and venus on a date." it has a really good explanation about this. basically, if you act like you are at a stage beyond where the relationship is, it can make the other person feel like, "how can they be so certain that they are the one for me? i am not certain. i must not be the one for them. i should let them go." vs. if you are just acting cool, and at an appropriate stage, they are not as worried or anxious because there isn't as much at risk.

 

I agree that when a person behaves beyond the stage of where the relationship is taking thing too fast. This is a sign of a desperate dater and would certainly be a turn off for the other party. I think anyone in this situation would sense something just isn't right about the other and will end it before things get out of control.

 

In my situation, I reciprocated her passion and followed the pace in which she wanted to move. I would be the first to admit that things progressed too quickly, there was little substance in our relationship at that juncture. Somehow I was even accused by her that my feelings did not extend beyond the level of physical attraction (still scratching my head about this one). She was probably scared because her previous relationship progressed fairly quickly towards the exclusive phase and didn't want to repeat the same mistake.

 

Whatever the case may be I still believe she took the easy way out and used excuses to mask the real reason for the break. Which again reinforces my perspective on her actions being selfish and immature. Having said that, I have no regrets about with her and what happened. Love is strange...

 

Thanks for the suggestion though, I'll be visiting the nearest book store this week

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