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Why is it so important to be financially secure before marriage?


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How about before getting engaged? My girlfriend wants to be engaged with me, but I keep hearing all these people say, "You need to be financially stable before getting married."

 

Why is that? Is this assuming that your wife is not going to be working? What about the current recession? I have 2 part time jobs and live with my parents. I've tried applying EVERYWHERE and no one is hiring. I have good credentials for what I do, and finished my bachelor's a couple years ago...but it doesn't make a difference. No one is hiring. I'm lucky to have what I got right now as far as work goes.

 

Isn't engagement and marriage about "finding the right person that you want to spend the rest of your life with"? What if I found that, but I'm just not financially stable yet? My girlfriend works and makes more money than I do, so it's not a matter of my potential wife not working. What is it about marriage that requires financial stability? What's the point of waiting if you already found your future mate?

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This is an issue my guy has.

 

For him, he needs to know he can securely provide for his family. He wants the marriage to start off right. He wants to know that he buy me a good ring, afford a wedding, have a great honeymoon, without being stressed and strapped for cash.

 

Then comes house and kids. Goals for after marriage. Those require money.

 

Some people just want to be secure and know they have a good source of consistent income to have a life. Before taking on the responsibilty for being with someone, and providing for them.

 

Me personally, I don't agree with his view, but its a common thing I have heard and read around.

 

We can certainly afford a wedding, and a honeymoon. We're saving for those things, saving for a house...but I have a consistent income, him..not so much.

He isn't where he wants to be, career wise, and he knows that career will bring STABILITY to him and his future. To know he can provide for his wife and future children is really important for him.

 

You don't need to be loaded and wealthy to get married. I feel that way. We know we're each others 'one' and we can afford these things, but he's not financially secure...and he doesn't feel comfortable doing the next step without that peace of mind and security.

 

You don't have to agree. I know many people who married and were still in University. They struggled, but they wanted to be married.

 

Some people don't want to struggle. Some people jsut want things to start off on a good foot, without the added stress of being strapped for cash and living paycheck to paycheck.

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I guess a lot of people prefer being financially stable because they do not want to add the stress about financial worries to all the other things that you need to think about when getting engaged or getting married. This can be such a big burden on a relationship that it might end the relationship. Of course once you are married you will have to face financial up and downs together, but you would hope this would only happen after the marriage has been solidified so that this crisis might not bring you to a breaking point.

 

Of course everyone has different ideas what financially secure might mean.

 

For me it it also important that I have proven to myself that I am capable of taking care of myself,that I can lead an independent life. It's one thing to believe that you can do it, it's another thing to prove actually. I would not want to get married if my partner had never been independent from his family support and had never lived by himself.

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...he needs to know he can securely provide for his family. He wants the marriage to start off right. He wants to know that he buy me a good ring, afford a wedding, have a great honeymoon, without being stressed and strapped for cash.

 

Same thing with my bf. He wants to be able to provide well for me so that I don't "suffer". He is still at entry level and doesn't earn much yet so what he said is "we'll have to wait til we're 40" (which I hope he is joking).

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I've heard that financial issues can be a massive cause of fights, stress and disharmony which can ultimately be very destructive to a marriage.

 

I believe this. That's why we're not upgrading to a bigger home unless and until we have saved enough to comfortably afford it. We could do it now and its tempting but a big mortgage is not worth any potential stress on us as a couple.

 

I figure life throws enough at you - why consciously add more?

 

Anyway if you can be financially stable before marriage I do think that's a very good thing. Its not nrcessary but will make life a lot easier.

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Let me put it bluntly.. WHY bother marrying at all? Isn't the fact that you found someone you love ENOUGH and showing that you love them on a day to day basis ENOUGH? Why let a piece of paper affect your belief? Why let society judge you on what you have to have? The answer lies in every person in how secure they feel. They simply want more, rather than less, to feel secure. If you found a million dollars on the street right now, you're instantly secure. If you suddenly got a huge Will from your long lost auntie Wilma, you're instantly secure.

 

So the answer is really within you. How secure do you feel without a consistent income that will pay for the mortgage and the diapers? How secure is your baby when he comes off with a rare form of disease? Can you at least sustain insurance payment so you can afford years of needed medicine to your kid(s)? If you don't feel you can do that, then you are not feeling secure about your future. So for now at least, it's good enough that you found someone you love, why bother moving forward to unknown territory and heavier burden and stress of a marriage?

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Lots of preferences & all can be reasonable. Some things are suited to some & other things to others.

 

For me, marriage would be in stages. The marriage itself for the sake of the union with my spouse, and stage 2 would be when to plan a family if I were going to. So yes, I'd marry if myself & would-be spouse were still working our way into savings. As long as we have been both able to take care of ourselves as independent adults, we may do even better pooling our resources.

 

It's really the planning of children part that requires back-up money, not getting married.

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Financial stability and security is HUGELY important to me going into marriage, and I think it should be important to everyone. You're going to be living together, building a life and a family together, and its going to be outrageously stressful and difficult to do that if you guys aren't financially secure. It doesn't mean that you have to wait to be LOADED in order to be ready for marriage, but you should have a steady, secure source of income and enough money saved up to afford a nice place together, to be able to pay the bills and to live comfortably and provide for your children.

 

I can't stand seeing people that have rushed into marriage without being financially ready for it, and their children are usually the ones that have to suffer. They live paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by and can't afford a lot of things that would provide a nice home and safe, comfortable lifestyle for their children and for themselves. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, but I wouldn't even consider agreeing to marry someone who was still living with his parents. If he can't even afford to live on his own and support himself, how is he going to be able to afford living with me and providing for a family? Its a legitimate concern. It also could speak volumes about his ability to manage money, budget and save and that's a huge red flag because, as has been mentioned in this thread already, money issues are one of the BIGGEST reasons that couples end up getting divorced. It can put enormous stress and pressure on a family and tear a husband and wife apart. Someone who is irresponsible with his money would most likely end up being irresponsible with OUR money and I don't want that concern when I marry someone. I want to marry someone that I would feel comfortable having a joint account with, someone who I wouldn't be scared would mismanage our finances. Someone who is responsible and mature and can provide for my family.

 

Its wonderful to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but that doesn't mean that you guys should get married the second you decide you want to be together forever. I think its more romantic to want to put yourself in a position where you can provide for your family and actually build a life together.

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I'm all for the idea of being finanically secure beforehand. Things like at least having a stable job (a rare these days) and able to support yourself. Maybe the two engagees need to sit down and workout a finanical goal. Since money is one of the ultimate reasons of divorce these days, both parties need to be financially savvy if not on the same sheet of music. Families cost money. And if kids are factored in the equation which they usually are after a marriage, that's money there too. My point is, you're never going to have enough money. And with the way things are now, we're all struggling, we're all in finanical binds. The most logicial decision is to at least select a partner that has a good outlook on life and a positive goal to reach after. Because you can work together as a team and accomplish these things. It's just when people get married only one person is prepared to do one half whereas the other is not quite there yet.

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Because marriage = family

 

Not for everyone at all, myself as an example. And for those where it does = family, people are waiting longer to have children these days as stats. show. So a couple could marry & not have children for 3 - 5 years down the line... Plenty of time to save & plan for children within a marriage vs. the exact same time passing unmarried. What is the dif.? That is, given you know you are going to marry that specific person.

 

I'd never argue against financial security of course, but one can marry if there are two independent adults that have been taking care their own selves fine. The marriage in & of itself won't change the waiting time to financial saving goals in starting a family.

 

Though I can understand waiting a wee bit to save up a little for the actual wedding ceremony. A marriage can be very cheap (city hall) but there are rings to be bought, and many want a celebratory wedding, which is understandable. Only "heads up" is not to spend tons of money on lavish ceremony, which I've never quite understood.

 

When I get married, I'd like to keep it very, very simple & focused on what is important. A our marriage union (i.e. loving vows) shared in front of family & loved ones... So some money will need to be available but there really won't be that much to need to save up for, or lines of credit type thing, etc...

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Because marriage = family

 

Not for everyone at all, myself as an example. And for those where it does = family, people are waiting longer to have children these days as stats. show. So a couple could marry & not have children for 3 - 5 years down the line... Plenty of time to save & plan for children within a marriage vs. the exact same time passing unmarried. What is the dif.? That is, given you know you are going to marry that specific person.

 

I'd never argue against financial security of course, but one can marry if there are two independent adults that have been taking care their own selves fine. The marriage in & of itself won't change the waiting time to financial saving goals in starting a family.

 

Though I can understand waiting a wee bit to save up a little for the actual wedding ceremony. A marriage can be very cheap (city hall) but there are rings to be bought, and many want a celebratory wedding, which is understandable. Only "heads up" is not to spend tons of money on lavish ceremony, which I've never quite understood.

 

When I get married, I'd like to keep it very, very simple & focused on what is important. A our marriage union (i.e. loving vows) shared in front of family & loved ones... So some money will need to be available but there really won't be that much to need to save up for, or lines of credit type thing, etc...

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  • 3 weeks later...

Because marriage is expensive! I would never consider getting married until I have my career in place and make enough money to support myself so in case something DOES go wrong, death, divorce, husband loses job, etc. we/I won't be put in the poor house. It's also a good idea to be financially stable so you can comfortably afford to live instead of barely scraping by each month to pay bills, for food, gas, mortgage/rent, etc. You don't want to have to fall back on family and friends just go get by, you're an adult now. If you two love each other you can wait to get married until you're both financially stable, the wedding isn't going anywhere, just be patient =)

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I think it is a matter of personal opinion. My boyfriend has not shown himself as financially stable but I would love to be engaged to him anyway. I am an independent woman and can take care of myself as long as he takes care of himself and I don't have to take care of us both. I believe in both contributing. I contributed at first and my man has impressed me recently by taking some of that burden on himself.

 

I know of a couple who were engaged for five years. It gave them time to become financially stable but they both had the promise and commitment they both desired.

 

Financial problems list number two on most surveys about reason for break ups...so it is very important but I don't think not being financially stable means you can't be engaged to the person you love for that next level of commitment and maybe that could be motivation to become more financially stable

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Marriage doesn't have to be expensive.

If BOTH of you are ok with spending your first year(s) of married life, living in a bachelor appartment, eating ramen noodles, working 2 part time jobs each, having date nights that aren't any more special then cribbage in the candle light... then go for it.

 

The problems start if one or the other expect that marriage = house with a picket white fence, 2.1 kids, and a dog. RIGHT AWAY. Of course this is easier to achieve if you are financially secure before you get married.

 

Personally, I think the combined struggle of figuring out how to meet your goals and saving towards them together has the potential to create a really strong union. But buying things before you can afford them will create lots of stress, and has a huge possibility of causing the relationship to fail.

 

I probably wouldn't get married knowing I had to live with my inlaws for the first few months - let alone years while we were becoming financially independent.. I have enough problems with inlaws without having to share personal space for soo long! I'd also would like my future spouse to have lived on their own for a bit (outside of a university dorm), their's just a lot of life skills you learn in that process, and if I don't have to tell them to learn those skills then that makes me happier and healthier in the relationship.

 

just my 2c

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Sure, it'll make you stronger, but I rather not spend my first year of marriage stressed out and barely seeing my partner because of all the work we both must do. If one of us were to lose our job or we were to get pregnant, that would be devastating.

 

I'll squander about in poverty while while engaged or dating. I have done that and it's quite fun in a lot of ways. But marriage I want to be completely secure. Marriage already adds this little level of stress and anticipation. Why be more stressed out and more insecure when you don't have to be?

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My parents had almost nothing for the first 7 years of their marriage. Yet those were probably the best days.

 

Make sure you can support yourself, your wife, and a possible baby. As long as you have been at your jobs for say, 3 or 4 months, and it seems there is no reason they might fire you for an odd reason, then I would encourage you to proceed ahead and get married.

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That's fine if you want to get married without money because you found The One, but... you live with your parents.

 

Most people at least want to be able to move out and live with each other when they get married, even if that's all they have. What's she going to do, move into your parent's house?

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I don't have much trust in jobs and employers to expect financial security, especially not in this day and age. There are so many people I know at work who are convinced that the only path to financial success is working full-time for one employer. If one day your employer decides to lay-you-off for reasons beyond your control, you are now completely unemployed, and now, how do you stay happy, confident, and motivated to keep searching for a new job, from a new employer who agrees to hire you? This is one of the reasons I work two jobs. A part-time day job, and a part-time night job. Neither one of these jobs guarantees financial security, but if I happen to lose one of those jobs, then I am not completely unemployed, bummed-out, sad and depressed, and I can still pay the rent and be picky about new jobs I'm searching for, instead of feeling so desperate for a new job, that I would be asking almost anyone for a job application, for a job I may not like. After writing this, I thought of a new question: Do women demand more from men, than women would demand from themselves? I am guessing this no longers applies, because there are independent career women in these modern times, although being a mother and a homemaker is a job too.

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