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Thread: My boyfriend watches porn instead of having sex with me - what do I do?

  1. #31
    wow, i almost cries with this post because am going through a similar situation. i gave birth 2 months ago and he seems distance, he watches porn, i tell him that i want to be intimate with him he tells me he doesnt want to. He says that he wants to give me time, but i dont think thats true, because i will understand if i wasnt ready but i am. Of course i am 30 pounds heavier but even when i look nice he doesnt say anything or try to seduce me. I feel so unwanted and sad, i was in a relationship worst than this and i coulnt take it, i feel depressed and unhappy.

  2. #32

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    My boyfriend is 18, we have been together for just two years and I love him to bits. Just yesterday I found out that he has been watching porn almost every day and satisfying himself. For the last 6months I have been asking for sex as he only gives in about 3 or 4 times a month. I feel disgusting, my boyfriend would rather jack off than have sex with me. I used to have huge self esteem issues which have now re surfaced. His excuses? Sex takes to long and feels like a 'chore'. I have done everything I can to make it sexy, steamy and amazing and no matter what I do nothing works. He says he doesn't want sex because it makes him sweaty and tired. He is and 18 year old!! I have cried myself to sleep many nights and speaking to him about it just made it worse. He has a way with words so that he even makes me believe its my fault. He tells me I'm not allowed in the bedroom because he is 'studying'. I can't handle it anymore but life without him would be even harder! I have moved away from all my family and friends to be with him and he just doesn't appreciate it. A few months ago he came to me saying he needs to treat me better and he really does need to but now that I know what he has been doing nearly everyday behind my back I know he is full of it. I don't understand an 18 year old guy who would rather jerk off than have sex with his girlfriend. I feel so unloved, ugly and like nothing.. He tells me he would do anything in the world for me, I haven't seen anything like that from him since we first got together. I thought I was alone but because of you and your story I know I'm not! Not that it makes it hurt any less... I think I have to talk to him some more..

  3. #33
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    I only read the first two paragraphs of your original post, but I saw that you said he goes limp during intercourse and says it's nausea or whatever but he can keep it up during oral and masturbation. There have been times during intercourse that I blew my top WAY earlier than I anticipated and I was embarrassed about it, so I blamed it on something (very similar to what your guy did). It's rarely a problem to maintain one's composure during oral - no premature action going to happen there for the most part. Maybe he just came prematurely and is embarrassed. If it is a persistent problem, he is probably too embarrassed to talk to you about it, thereby not allowing him to get past step one. In order to stop ejaculating prematurely a guy needs to get some action and get comfortable with his stamina/endurance - however, if he's too embarrassed about those first few times being failures he may never get the chance to do so.

  4. #34
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    To all the women on here talking about their guys watching porn - you need to lighten up. We enjoy porn because we are visually-stimulated creatures. Stop taking it so personally that we look at porn - women are hot and we have fantasies and it is nice to see those fantasies acted out by real women.

    All but one of my ex gf's made me feel that porn was so taboo to the point that I HAD to hide it and lie to them about it. We're not going to stop enjoying it, no more than you are going to stop enjoying the things that turn you on. I think it is unreasonable to demand a guy stop looking at porn, in any form, simply because he's in a committed relationship. It's not like we're out looking for other women. You might as well come to grips with it and realize it is NOT cheating on you and our crazy perversions are no reflection of you or the relationship. And the one girlfriend of mine that was open to it actually found some porn she was into and came to me with it and we watched it together. It opened up the doors of communication to the point we expressed to each other our innermost and craziest desires and fantasies. It led to the best sex of our lives!

    Embrace it, ladies! You will be pleasantly surprised - it will end up helping you more than him.

  5.  

  6. #35

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    My part is this. I knew my BF is sexual active. Before he met me. He used to have a friend to benefit with. And as a handy man, He used or maybe still had one costumer who can pay him for sex if he could fix the fence for it as an exchange etc etc etc. Then he met me... Yeah I caught him on that, during in our serious relationship, i caught him. At the beg. we were both easy on each other, just having sex without any monogamous relationship. After three months later (LOL) he asked me to be in a serious relationship with him. And he promise of course he wont hurt me. To make a short story. I caught him on those activities. And he promised he will be good. It is hard to trust and love someone like that, very hard. But I realized he is very a sexual active person ( like me ). So to keep himself honest in our relationship, he went for more porn online/movie (pirates movie is my favorite). I get it, and I understand that for someone who is very very sexual active. I would do the same thing. Unfortunately, I get SO pissed off whenever he used porn, he used it WAY WAY TOO MUCH PORN. He could not play with me because of too much porn. So that PISSED ME OFF! Here I am feelin hot and ready. And he freakin used up all his energy on porn. =P SO I turn myself to my vibrator instead. I don't know if this helps, Mangue. But I myself need answers too. lol Good luck.
    Last edited by leetowan; 10-26-2011 at 07:39 PM.
    Let us remain free from hatred in the midst of people who hate. - Buddha

  7. #36

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    Me and my bf do the same thing, watching porn together. But as like what I said before this message. My BF mostly went over board on porn and he don't have enough energy to play with me. So I turn myself to my vibrator. I rather have a good hard one than a over burnt limp. Good luck. ANd thank you.
    Let us remain free from hatred in the midst of people who hate. - Buddha

  8. #37

    Boyfriend watches more porn than engages in sex with me

    I literally cried when I read your post. Please know that you're not alone. I'm going through the same thing, my boyfriend has ADHD and I've looked up any connections with that and low sex drive/porn addiction. I don't think he's *addicted* to porn, but he watches it everyday.. sometimes when I'm only gone for an hour or so, occasionally when I am home. Perhaps I'm in denial...
    I try really hard to blame the ADHD for it, and not blame myself, but gosh it gets difficult. Nothing compares to the worthlessness a woman can feel when a man would rather get himself off than touch the woman he "loves."
    Even writing that, I feel terrible for putting love in quotation marks, but it reaches the point where.. if he did really love me, than why doesn't he love me physically as well?
    I've attempted to bury the emotions as well, the resentment I feel towards him and his porn, the resentment I feel towards myself, the hurt and rejection and embarrassment...and occasionally anger.. but that surfaces in its own ways in due time to the point (happened today:) where I'll be watching a funny video and laugh hysterically at it then suddenly burst into a fit of sobbing and tears for seemingly no reason at all.
    It can all be so unbearable. I've responded to posts similar to this on other websites encouraging women in situations like this/mine when I'm feeling particularly positive about it.. but in the end I am always left feeling very defeated about the physicality I receive in my relationship.
    And there's just so much trouble with hearing how much he loves me and wants to marry me sometime.. how he'd do anything for me and vice versa.. and then this lack of sex.. you can't just *leave* someone you love like that. No matter the sex, I know I'd feel terrible and shallow about it, but in the same I know I'm a woman with normal wants and needs of a human being.
    I'm only 20 years old, my boyfriend 26... and I'm in a practically sexless relationship.
    In my view, there's only 2 options: bare through it or leave him.
    And I cannot do either. I'm just .. stuck. In love, defeated, and useless.
    </3

  9. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bambie View Post
    I know exactly what everyone has been going through. For me it rarely got better, as it is hard for strong habits like this to change overnight. My past boyfriend of 4 1/2 years developed this problem, and it tore me apart for a very long time. We started with a seemingly average sex life - however, as time went on things slowly began to change. We barely had sex and he became very secretive. He never initiated sex, I felt like he didn't want me anymore and believed I wasn't attractive in his eyes, even though he would always compliment me. We lived together, and at night he would often stay up on the computer without me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and he was still out there after hours alone. I would open the door to see that he was watching porn every time, and he would rather masturbate than be intimate with me. He never had erectile problems during sex, it was just like he preferred to watch ranchy videos than actually be with a real person that lived with him and desired him.

    I would always confront him, and even though I would see the porn websites on his computer screen, he would always close them and deny it! Eventually he promised he would never view porn again for me and work on restoring our sex life. One day a few weeks later, while looking through the computer for a project I had made, I stumbled across the recently accessed folders on his computer - folders full of porn he had saved. I confronted him again, and of course we fought. He would always delete them, and yet porn would always magically be on his computer again and in his browser history. I felt bad searching to see if he had collected any more videos, but if he was truly being honest with me saying he had stopped, then he would have nothing to hide. EVERY TIME I was disappointed. Things would always seem better for a short time, but always relapse in a constant cycle of misery and feelings of inadequacy and unwantedness. He always claimed I was so sexy and that he wanted me, but this always continued. The trust was completely gone, and I was always suspicious and paranoid.

    I broke up with this man about a year ago. I couldn't take it any more. You get to the point where you realize that this is your only youth, and you need to determine what you truly want it to be like. You need to decide if these issues are something you can deal with for the rest of your life. Maybe you will get lucky and things will change, but if it is continuous, you need to make yourself happy. I'm glad to say I am dating a new and trustworthy person who makes me feel so special, and I hope everyone else's issues work out!
    I know this post is older but my ex husband was addicted to porn also and never would F$%% me! And much like you I kept thinking- THIS IS THE LAST OF MY YOUTH! I want my brains to be $%# out ya know? I don't want some lazy bastard husband who jacks off all day and won't even go down on me or give me pleasure in ANY way for months!!!!!!! Ladies THIS IS YOUR YOUTH and for a lot of us the very LAST of our youth.........give your youth to men out there who give a ****
    Every woman needs a man who will ruin her lipstick and not her mascara...

  10. #39
    I am so sorry you are going through this too.. My situation isn't quite the same..
    Awhile back in August I dropped my boyfriend off at work and then came home went back to sleep for a few hours. When I woke back up I went to sit on the couch and sat there with my eyes closed for a second and then my boyfriend's phone started vibrating on the table next me and scared the * * * * out of me. So I grabbed it to make it quit and i pushed okay which opened the message and I read it.. From some chick that we worked with at chilis and said something like hows your day sweetie? * * * . So I continued to go through his phone and saw he had been saying "i miss your face" and "cant wait to see you" and "you looked hot today" and they played world at warcraft together.. * * * ..agian. I'm a very attractive size 2 petite and 20 years old. Name isn't saved in the phone so I get on his computer to look for clues and so I went to the history... I feel so bad about it too.. I feel terrible I went through his privacy like that, but then I found lots of disgusting porn.. Well, I talked about the girl thing and never mentioned going through his history.. Now January, still haven't said anything.. Sometimes I will mess around with him when he's sitting next to me on the couch and he kinda smiles and ignores it.. I come out in just my underwear and strut to the bedroom and he doesn't follow.. and then he will go to his computer and I feel so unwanted when he ignores me I just shut down and just wanna watch tv and fall alseep.. Lately I've noticed he is watching that disgusting porn while I'm on the couch in the same room with him. I know he is watching it. I just don't have the balls to say anything or get up and look over and say * * * ? This stuff is raunchy too. He likes the 18 years old taking it by seven black guys, and he even signed up for a site that said on the main page MARRIAGE AFFAIRS AND CHEATING! IT'S OKAY HERE! And then lists off women in our area..
    Recently he lost his job so me being a server at applebees in kansas don't make crap for money and i have to come up with at least $1200 for February along with my college classes.. I am so stressed right now on top of him watching porn when I'm home after trying to make him want me or even the thought of him inviting some skank over while I'm gone..
    I don't know if me giving him a second chance was stupid after he cheated.. I just want help too.

  11. #40
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    An open letter to women on behalf of men in long term relationships

    We love you. We know every fold, contour, line and curve, of your body. We know the way your breasts move when you're on top, the shape of your legs when they're raised in the air, the colour of your pubic hair. We know how deep your belly button is, the colour of your labia, how to find your clitoris, and the unique smell of your vagina when you're aroused. We know when you're wet.

    We even know exactly how to make you come, where to probe, to push, how many fingers, and how quickly to use our tongue. We know the sounds you make, and how your breaths change and increase in pitch, when we're doing it right. We know how you like to lie when you really want to come, and how noisy you are when you finally do.

    We know everything about your body.

    And now all of our instincts are telling us to find a different one.

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