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  1. #1
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    I don't even know why he is with me

    This is going to be a pretty long post and I thank all who take the time to read it.

    Basically I can't work out why my boyfriend is with me. Since we have gotten back together it has felt to me like we have just been floating along. It has been a bit up and down which I think is due to issues that have yet to be resolved.

    It was going very well indeed and for about 5 months we didn't argue once or have a difference of opinion.

    But there is no talk of the future or anything like that. Ther have been times when I have started to feel frustrated with this so one night not so long ago, I let him know that I needed to talk to him.

    I told him that the relationship as it is is pretty much doing my head in. I mentioned all of the things that were bothering me, and told him that I just wanted to know if I was wasting my time with him. He told me that he couldn't answer that. I asked him about it a bit more, and he said that it's not like he wouldn't like to get a place together, it's just that money is tight right now and that he should have some money soon from this thing he is doing. I explained to him that I'm in no hurry for us to move out of our parents houses, it's not even about that, but more about wanting to know where the relationship is going. I just need to know that it's going to go somewhere and that I am not wasting my time.

    Another issue is that he plays a lot of hockey and to be honest is pretty obsessed with it. This wouldn't be a problem but it's all he focuses on. He is 27 this year, he works for his dad. He is in no way a bum and is very hard working but when we were together before he seemed to have some sort of ambition in life. He would say things like he doesn't want us to struggle in the future and what not but now there is no talk of anything like that.

    I explained to him as best I could that I have no issues with the hockey, but at his age, it shoudn't be the only thing he focuses on. He should also be focussing on more important things like finding himself a decent job, not saying that he hasn't got one now but he can't work for his dad forever. He then accused me of trying to stop him playing hockey altogether, but that is not what I want at all. He does play it excessively though. He plays Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and sometimes he has games all weekend. Again I want him to carry on because it makes him happy but I just wish that he would also look at other things in his life. He doesn't even have a bank account at this point. I have been talking to him for ages about getting one and he keeps saying he will but never does. He then accuses me of nagging him all the time. This is a problem though because he has no credit rating so if we ever got to the point of buying a house, he wouldn't be able to get a mortgage anyway.

    This leads me to something else. In the past I have helped him decide on career options. I even went along with him to a careers advisor because it got to the point where working for his dad made him unhappy for various reasons. After the careers meeting he said he felt a lot better but nothing came of it at all and we're back at square one.

    It hit me the other day though of what the reason could be. I think he would feel guilty somehow if he was to stop working for his dad and get a job of his own. His dad does have other employees but I think he relies heavily on my BF. If anything needs doing urgently, then it's my bf who does it and never says no even when he knows he is being taken for granted. I really do think this might be the reason which has made me a little angry because his dad is sorted in life. I want my bf to get sorted in his own life instead of supporting his dad all the time.

    Another problem I have is that he seems to have become complacent in the relationship. We only see each other on weekends as we are both really busy through the week. It may not seems like a big issue to some, but I have a problem with the frequency of texts. He seems to just ignore me most of the time. It can take up to 9 hours for him to answer a text whereas I always answer as soon as possible. I have talked to him about this and he says that he doesn't know why it is an issue. It wouldn't be if we saw each other more often but you would think that because he doesn't see me all week that he would want to text a bit more often and it's not even as if he phones me to talk at all unless on the rare occasion that he wants something or we have something to sort out.

    I also feel there is no affection in our relationship. He doesn't say anything at all that expresse the way he feels about me. He doesn't even say he likes me and rarely pays me a compliment.


    I just don't know what to think. I can't work out why he is with me. We had a bit of an argument on the weekend, and I asked him why he is even with me and he didn't have an answer. He then asked me why I was with him and my answer was that my feelings towards him have not changed. He didn't have anything to say about it.

    I have thought maybe it's just for sex, I have said this to him quite a few times in the past and he gets angry that I could think that and tells me it isn't but when I ask him the reason he is with me, he can't answer.

    I'm not so sure if it is about that really as there have been times when I have been ill after operations and haven't been able to do anything sexual for over a month and he has stayed with me.

    I just don't get it. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to sort everything out so we can have a normal relationship where I know where I stand.

    It's really starting to affect my life. I can't sleep at night and I can rarely eat and feel sick and panicky a lot of the time.

    Can anyone help?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jd1983's Avatar
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    I'm sorry that you're going through this right now, but I really think that you should re-evaluate your relationship with him.

    Clearly, you guys are not on the same page together. He seems to be consumed on other things rather than this relationship. Even when you ask him why he's with you - he doesn't have a response for you.

    If he was really into you like he should be, his actions would show it. I know it hurts because you really want this to work, but why would you put yourself through this when you know it may not get anywhere?

    He is content at where he is right now, and doesn't feel a need to change anything. This relationship is not his first priority, therefore he doesn't see a reason why he should be doing "extra".

    You deserve to be happy with someone who wants to be with you. Not someone that is with you out of convenience.

  3. #3
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    Thanks.

    If I keep my mouth shut and just float along with him he seems happy. I just get frustrated with it all. I don't think it's a case of him not wanting certain things, it's just that he doesn't have the time of effort to put into getting them.

    I asked him what he will do when he's like 45/50, and he doesn't have a decent income or a decent house to live in and his response was that he would live in his car. Obviously he didn't mean it but it was a childish thing to say and completely ridiculous.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jd1983's Avatar
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    This is something that he has to figure out on his own. You can only guide him, but if you continuously ask him about what he plans to do he may see this as pressure and back away even more from you.

    Working for his dad may not be a good job for you, but it could be for him. Maybe he feels he's learning the family business. Have you taken this into consideration?

    To be honest, I still don't know what I want to do with my life and I'm the same age as your bf. My bf and I actually had this conversation yesterday and he asked me what I enjoyed to do, and what I wanted to do. My response - I don't know? However, he told me that I should take some time to think about it.

    Eventually your bf will have to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Like I said, ultimately it's his life.

    The main question that you should be concerned about right now is what you want from this relationship. You already know that you are not on the same page as him. Therefore what are your plans?

  5. #5
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    I know he doesn't really enjoy the job. I have had text after text from him moaning about the job. He even stopped working for his dad before for a while because he couldn't take it anymore. This is when I suggested going to see an advisor and it just all went down the pan. As far as I am concerned he has already learned all there is to know about the family business. He has been working there for 10 years since he left school. There is no talk of him taking the business on.

    There are just so many things. He isn't paying into a pension scheme. So when his dad retires or sells the business, he is going to be looking for a job and starting from scratch. That's not going to be very easy as he will probably be a lot older by that point. And even then all he will be able to do is building work and I'm sure a lot of employers are going to take on someone younger rather than older.

    Back to the pension issue. He will probably be living on a state pension when he does retire. That's peanuts here and they are even talking about scrapping it altogether. I just worry for the future. Whether we stay together or not.

    I understand what you mean about the pressure, but I have only brought this up once in over a year. We have been together since 2006 with 2 breakups inbetween. I mean if you can't talk about these things after this amount of time, then there must be something wrong.

    It's not even as if I am not patient. I don't want it all right now, I just want to know what the future might bring.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Jd1983's Avatar
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    Oh ok, I get what you mean. I wasn't aware that you were together for this long.

    Considering the fact that you guys been together nearly 4 years, you should definitely know where you stand.

    I think at this point, you should pretty much give him an ultimatum on where this relationship is going and what to expect from him. You already invested 4 years into this, I'd hate for you to invest in another 4 and be in the same situation. If he still doesn't know what he wants, then you already have your answer.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Hi fairy,
    I would ask you this: Why are you with him? Really. I don't expect you to give me a list but you should think about this very hard. You have been on and off with this guy for some time but nothing seems to improve. Simply saying "we hardly fight" doesn't mean everything is okay.

    There is one question I want you to ask him. You must be prepared for the answer as it might not be what you want to hear. Ask him: what is most important in his life? Phrase it just like that. His answer of course should be "you". I have a sinking feeling it won't be though. If he happens to answer "you" then ask him why he doesn't treat you like it.
    You have spoken often that he is immature and you are right. To be 27 and living at home with no bank account and no plans for the future is immature for that age. Now if he was 16 I could understand.
    It really isn't your job to plan his life and wipe his butt. It seems to many have done this all his life and it shows. He will resent you anyways. He has basically shown his cards over all this time and has no plans on changing.

    If you were to meet him for the first time today and knew everything you do about him, would you get involved with him?

    Lost
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness;
    Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by lostandhurt View Post
    If you were to meet him for the first time today and knew everything you do about him, would you get involved with him?
    I really love how you put it here and have never thought about it like that. It puts things in a whole different perspective.

  9. #9
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    Hi lost,

    I know you know an awful lot about my story and have been following it from the beginning really.

    I know that I may have painted a very bad picture of him, but that was never my intention. There is also a lot of good in him.

    I think I know for a fact that he means more to me than I mean to him and it kills.

    I was agonising for so long over even bring up the conversation I eventually did with him in my original post but in the end I just had to do it. Wasn't really want I wanted to hear. I feel most if not all of it fell on deaf ears. It just feels like my feelings are not valid and that he thinks I am just trying to cause trouble or conflict.

    If I were to ask him that question, I think I know what the answer would be and to be honest, I don't think it would even enter his head to say me. I just feel like I am just there.

    His friend has renovated a cottage recently and is about to move into it. He told me a few months ago that he wanted something similar and that he was going to get himself sorted out. He said this out of the blue with no pressure from me so I know that he thinks about these things and wants them but I don't know what's stopping him.

    he seems to have this attitude that everything will work itself out in the end. I even asked him if he thought these people who have built lives for themselves just wake up one morning and it's just all there for them.

    I don't even expect to be his number one priority but I just want to feel a part of it. Like I matter somehow but to be honest I feel I have no value in his eyes. It's gotten to the point now where I am starting to see myself through is eys. I feel pretty worthless myself.

    If I ask that question and don't get that answer, what do I do? Just walk away?

    I really don't want to end it but I just can't carry on like this for much longer. If he would just talk to be about something that wasn't just scratching at the surface it would be a big start.

    And to answer your question, if I met him now, yes I probably would get involved still. But if I knew everything that would happen, like everything that has happened in the past, then no I couldn't put myself through that again.

    I know I can be difficult at times towards him but I am only acting out of frustration. I can go along fine for a while but then I can't take it anymore which seems to reverse the good we have done.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    fairy,
    We have spoken many times about him and it is like a broken record. First of all you SHOULD be his top priority! When you love someone (he does tell you he loves you....right?) they must be your top priority. They don't need to be your whle life, but they should be first.
    If he was to answer "Hockey" then you would need to rethink this relationship. Will there be children? a house? Who do you think will take care of everything then? It won't be him.
    You are allowing him to make you feel like this is all you are good for. Well you are so much more and just because he is an idiot doesn't mean you should be drug down.
    Free will is the key here. If you force him he will resent you. If you let him do it on his own you will have grey hair by then. Can you wait that long?

    To ask the question is a very scary thing especially when you think you know he will not answer that you are the most important thing in his life. He needs to stand up and earn the junk hanging between his legs!

    I wish I could say I was surprised by all this but I am not. Do not allow the thought of being alone keep you where you aren't valued.

    Lost
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness;
    Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

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