Advice? Ex and his rebound & reverse psychology

dazed/confused · 11-06-2009, 10:12 PM

I have read a lot of SuperDave71's threads and also Zorba's. But I thought I'd ask advice on my situation.

Long story short..
My ex boyfriend of 4 years left me a month ago. It was over a stupid arguement. Everything in the relationship was well until the last few months before he ended it. After he left me, he was dating a new girl a week and a half later. I was so hurt. I feel this is a rebound relationship he's in because of how soon he was in it. So they've been dating nearly 3 weeks now I believe. I went and saw him last week and we ended up hooking up therefore he cheated on his new girlfriend.. He felt bad about it and said we shouldn't talk or hangout anymore. I tried getting him back for a few days because I was a mess. Then I did the NC thing and within 5 days he texts me to see how I was and to say he's missed me. Then he said, "I know this situation sucks, but I would get back with you if anything happens". So I talk to him for a little bit and go back to NC. Then today he texts again asking what I'm doing and all this stuff and basically I told him he needs to figure out what he wants and if he'll change his mind about his decision in not wanting to be with me. He said he doesn't know what to do but he still wants to talk to me. I am so confused. I want him back and am not sure how to go about this. I'm hurt and lost without him. Any advice anyone?

Thanks.

**Also I have heard that NC makes your ex think about you and miss you and want to contact you. That is a reason I decided to do NC and because it is less painful.

Cognitive_Canine · 11-06-2009, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dazed/confused

I have read a lot of SuperDave71's threads and also Zorba's. But I thought I'd ask advice on my situation.

Long story short..
My ex boyfriend of 4 years left me a month ago. It was over a stupid arguement. Everything in the relationship was well until the last few months before he ended it. After he left me, he was dating a new girl a week and a half later. I was so hurt. I feel this is a rebound relationship he's in because of how soon he was in it. So they've been dating nearly 3 weeks now I believe. I went and saw him last week and we ended up hooking up therefore he cheated on his new girlfriend.. He felt bad about it and said we shouldn't talk or hangout anymore. I tried getting him back for a few days because I was a mess. Then I did the NC thing and within 5 days he texts me to see how I was and to say he's missed me. Then he said, "I know this situation sucks, but I would get back with you if anything happens". So I talk to him for a little bit and go back to NC. Then today he texts again asking what I'm doing and all this stuff and basically I told him he needs to figure out what he wants and if he'll change his mind about his decision in not wanting to be with me. He said he doesn't know what to do but he still wants to talk to me. I am so confused. I want him back and am not sure how to go about this. I'm hurt and lost without him. Any advice anyone?

Thanks.

**Also I have heard that NC makes your ex think about you and miss you and want to contact you. That is a reason I decided to do NC and because it is less painful.

Yes, because he is completely without control in this situation and it's not his fault that things are like this, it's just the situation.

Stay away from him. He cheated on his new girlfriend, he dumped you and isn't taking responsibility for it, he clearly doesn't know what he wants.

What was the fight that sealed the deal about? I'm just curious.

I'd stay NC and ignore him if he calls.

yonkeehoi · 11-06-2009, 10:24 PM

I think the guy's a bum.

dazed/confused · 11-06-2009, 10:44 PM

We got into an arguement the day before we were supposed to see each other. He had cancelled plans once again because something came up. He did this quite a bit and I told him I was getting tired of it. I then told him we just shouldn't see each other period and that's when he ended it. He told me he was done, it was over, he was fed up, and didn't want me back. I feel like I did nothing wrong, but who knows. I am wondering why he is telling me all this stuff. The NC thing did work because he contacted me 5 days later and said the stuff I mentioned. I don't get it really. I just want him back.

u4me · 11-06-2009, 11:12 PM

Portions of your story ring familiar. He has made a choice. If he wanted to be with you he would be with you. Go NC! He'll be back. Question is, do you really want him back? I'd make him beg. He's basically told you you're second choice. The feelings of someone he's known for three weeks are more important than yours. My ex keeps saying the same thing - "if things don't work out". Hmmm, so you're miserable waiting for him to come to his senses and you have to wish him all but well until he pulls his head out of his ***. It's totally screwed up.

poohbear4me · 11-06-2009, 11:15 PM

Don't take a demotion. You were his girlfriend now you are the woman in waiting?
My humble advice is to go NC on his behind. It will drive him nuts.

dazed/confused · 11-06-2009, 11:36 PM

Thanks. You guys are so helpful. It's nice knowing I'm not the only one in this situation nor am I the only one who thinks this is crazy. I plan going NC and I hope it does bring him back. If it does, believe me, I plan on making him work for it. I'm not going to take him back that easily even though it will be hard not to. Have any of you ever tried this with an ex and did the NC thing and they came back? Does it matter if they're with someone else now?

u4me: you say he'll be back and that makes it a little easier and I hope you're right! I just hope I'm not stuck waiting forever..

poohbear4me: I do think you are right when saying NC will drive him nuts. After all, he did contact me after 5 days of this to see "how I was doing" and that he "misses me" and "still wants to talk".

Thank you guys again for bringing my mood up a little.

UserLain · 11-07-2009, 12:15 AM

dazed and confused, yep, you're on the right track with the NC thing, keep it up. As you noticed the more you pulled away the more, he took intitiative to contact you. Just remember, when he DOES contact you, don't give him too much, the more you give him, the less he's losing and has fear to lose. I've NOT done NC so many times and regretted it. Remember to heal in the meanwhile. and remember what I think was posted in a sticky somewhere on this forum, unless he's talking about getting back together, the answer's no. I miss you's, I love you's, but no serious talk about any real commitment? If he's not talking about a relationship, he's just looking for the security of knowing you still love him and are still an option. Leave him missing and loving you, let him do it alone and see what he's losing.
Let him decide if he'll man up and recommit to you or watch it slowly dissappear before his eyes. It's the only way in my opinion. Don't give him the security of knowing you're there waiting. or that will be there for him, whether sexually, emotionally, or whatever. Hope that helps somehow

dazed/confused · 11-07-2009, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UserLain

dazed and confused, yep, you're on the right track with the NC thing, keep it up. As you noticed the more you pulled away the more, he took intitiative to contact you. Just remember, when he DOES contact you, don't give him too much, the more you give him, the less he's losing and has fear to lose. I've NOT done NC so many times and regretted it. Remember to heal in the meanwhile. and remember what I think was posted in a sticky somewhere on this forum, unless he's talking about getting back together, the answer's no. I miss you's, I love you's, but no serious talk about any real commitment? If he's not talking about a relationship, he's just looking for the security of knowing you still love him and are still an option. Leave him missing and loving you, let him do it alone and see what he's losing.
Let him decide if he'll man up and recommit to you or watch it slowly dissappear before his eyes. It's the only way in my opinion. Don't give him the security of knowing you're there waiting. or that will be there for him, whether sexually, emotionally, or whatever. Hope that helps somehow

That is the same exact thing I was thinking. It makes so much sense really. The thing is though he keeps telling me "if we break up" or "if things don't work out" he'll come back. Is he telling me this stuff because he thinks I'll wait for him? Or he doesn't want me to move on without him? It's confusing when he says he misses me because basically like you said, he wants to keep me around and his playing with my emotions. I'm just wondering since doing NC made him want to contact ME instead, and it's been twice now this week, that it makes him want to talk to me more and more and wants to see what I'm up to. Seems to me if he wanted to talk to his girlfriend he would instead me. It's confusing.. Maybe he is starting to miss me and thinks I may not always be around.

UserLain · 11-07-2009, 06:09 PM

Quote:

The thing is though he keeps telling me "if we break up" or "if things don't work out" he'll come back. Is he telling me this stuff because he thinks I'll wait for him? Or he doesn't want me to move on without him?

It's best to not concern yourself with it, I'd say. What he wants is his responsibility to say clearly. It's not for you to suffer over or play guessing games about. If it's really bugging/hurting you an option is to say something along the lines of "We've broken up and I'm moving on now and having conversations like this isn't healthy and I'm not interested in talking like this anymore" in a civil and sensitive (to him) way. It's great to say "not healthy" instead of saying "not healthy for me" as it leaves out the impression that he still has your heart. You could say this to him and show it by being non-reciprocating afterword. Whether you say it or not, you DO have to show it. Communicating it directly may be best, or perhaps not, it's your call.
But if he doesn't start respecting that wish and continues to be like that don't reciprocate! Leave him hanging without your love, interest, security.
All the while tho maintain a generally welcoming, warm and friendly presence towards him in your interactions. You DO want him to feel like he CAN talk to you about a reconciliation if he gets to that point, don't diminish your chances by alienating him. It will help that he feels safe with you.

Whether or not you say the above, NC should have the outcome as expected (him contacting you more and more). If it gets more and more, remember give him less and less, it's a fine balance that you'll have to judge for yourself. I'm talking less time, less reassurance that your a possibility etc.
Show that he's a welcome part of your life, but CLEARLY not the part of your life that he was. Reading the thread "Perfect Plan Mach II" will help explain the ins and outs of this. Following that plan probably isn't what you'll want to do, but it will paint a great picture for you of the dynamics of this and offer a lot of insight into how it can affect an ex.

I found the thread I mentioned in the last post.
Read it through as well as the links within it. You will be blown away and have several ah-ha! moments and it will give you a serious roadmap thru this.
Perfect Plan Mach II you can find by searching the forum, although it's mentioned in the above thread it's not linked.
All this stuff is essential reading, don't go without it.

"The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide"
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=151186

11-06-2009, 10:12 PM	#1
dazed/confused Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 20	Advice? Ex and his rebound & reverse psychology I have read a lot of SuperDave71's threads and also Zorba's. But I thought I'd ask advice on my situation. Long story short.. My ex boyfriend of 4 years left me a month ago. It was over a stupid arguement. Everything in the relationship was well until the last few months before he ended it. After he left me, he was dating a new girl a week and a half later. I was so hurt. I feel this is a rebound relationship he's in because of how soon he was in it. So they've been dating nearly 3 weeks now I believe. I went and saw him last week and we ended up hooking up therefore he cheated on his new girlfriend.. He felt bad about it and said we shouldn't talk or hangout anymore. I tried getting him back for a few days because I was a mess. Then I did the NC thing and within 5 days he texts me to see how I was and to say he's missed me. Then he said, "I know this situation sucks, but I would get back with you if anything happens". So I talk to him for a little bit and go back to NC. Then today he texts again asking what I'm doing and all this stuff and basically I told him he needs to figure out what he wants and if he'll change his mind about his decision in not wanting to be with me. He said he doesn't know what to do but he still wants to talk to me. I am so confused. I want him back and am not sure how to go about this. I'm hurt and lost without him. Any advice anyone? Thanks. **Also I have heard that NC makes your ex think about you and miss you and want to contact you. That is a reason I decided to do NC and because it is less painful.

11-06-2009, 10:24 PM	#3
yonkeehoi Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: USA Gender: None Specified Posts: 101	I think the guy's a bum.

11-06-2009, 10:44 PM	#4
dazed/confused Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 20	We got into an arguement the day before we were supposed to see each other. He had cancelled plans once again because something came up. He did this quite a bit and I told him I was getting tired of it. I then told him we just shouldn't see each other period and that's when he ended it. He told me he was done, it was over, he was fed up, and didn't want me back. I feel like I did nothing wrong, but who knows. I am wondering why he is telling me all this stuff. The NC thing did work because he contacted me 5 days later and said the stuff I mentioned. I don't get it really. I just want him back.

11-06-2009, 11:12 PM	#5
u4me Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 47	Portions of your story ring familiar. He has made a choice. If he wanted to be with you he would be with you. Go NC! He'll be back. Question is, do you really want him back? I'd make him beg. He's basically told you you're second choice. The feelings of someone he's known for three weeks are more important than yours. My ex keeps saying the same thing - "if things don't work out". Hmmm, so you're miserable waiting for him to come to his senses and you have to wish him all but well until he pulls his head out of his ***. It's totally screwed up.

11-06-2009, 11:15 PM	#6
poohbear4me Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 38 Posts: 38	Don't take a demotion. You were his girlfriend now you are the woman in waiting? My humble advice is to go NC on his behind. It will drive him nuts.

11-06-2009, 11:36 PM	#7
dazed/confused Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 20	Thanks. You guys are so helpful. It's nice knowing I'm not the only one in this situation nor am I the only one who thinks this is crazy. I plan going NC and I hope it does bring him back. If it does, believe me, I plan on making him work for it. I'm not going to take him back that easily even though it will be hard not to. Have any of you ever tried this with an ex and did the NC thing and they came back? Does it matter if they're with someone else now? u4me: you say he'll be back and that makes it a little easier and I hope you're right! I just hope I'm not stuck waiting forever.. poohbear4me: I do think you are right when saying NC will drive him nuts. After all, he did contact me after 5 days of this to see "how I was doing" and that he "misses me" and "still wants to talk". Thank you guys again for bringing my mood up a little.

11-07-2009, 12:15 AM	#8
UserLain Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 32	dazed and confused, yep, you're on the right track with the NC thing, keep it up. As you noticed the more you pulled away the more, he took intitiative to contact you. Just remember, when he DOES contact you, don't give him too much, the more you give him, the less he's losing and has fear to lose. I've NOT done NC so many times and regretted it. Remember to heal in the meanwhile. and remember what I think was posted in a sticky somewhere on this forum, unless he's talking about getting back together, the answer's no. I miss you's, I love you's, but no serious talk about any real commitment? If he's not talking about a relationship, he's just looking for the security of knowing you still love him and are still an option. Leave him missing and loving you, let him do it alone and see what he's losing. Let him decide if he'll man up and recommit to you or watch it slowly dissappear before his eyes. It's the only way in my opinion. Don't give him the security of knowing you're there waiting. or that will be there for him, whether sexually, emotionally, or whatever. Hope that helps somehow