Sex Psychology - Overcoming Fetish Fixation - Help!

[Markham]

Hi all,

I'm just going to lay it out here and say what is going on with hopes that someone maybe has some psychology knowledge or some experience that can help me out. I am struggling to overcome something that feels lifelong and is impacting my self worth and the quality of my relationship.

The issue is that I have diminished sexual performance in the form of short lived erections with my long-time girlfriend, and has persisted for a few years now. I have a sexual fetish related to smoking, I love watching girls smoke and I find it extremely erotic, and if I choose to have 'relations' with myself, chances are I am watching attractive girls smoke or thinking about them smoking. When I am in a real sexual encounter, I find that just the act of being there, or seeing my partner naked (she is attractive) or even feeling the sensations is not enough to turn me on such that I can maintain a strong and confident erection. Instead, I kind of get trapped in a mental rut of worrying about not being "hard" enough, or trying to imagine something I find stimulating (smoking) which is taking me out of the actual experience at hand.

This has been with me for a very long time, my girlfriend used to smoke when I met her but has been quit for years now. We have been together for +5 years and I would say that we have had the occasional "quite successful" sexual encounter together, but its very rare now. She is my first sexual partner and so I lost my virginity to her, and have never been with anyone else, I am 29. Also, I grew up without any father figure for all of my life and was raised by my mother.

In short, my personal analysis is the following:
I have vested mental energies and gotten myself excited about smoking as a sexual act but to the detriment of what a regular person would do (or what I imagine they would do. What do they do??), fantasize about the sexual act itself and the attractiveness of their partner. I want to create a decisive shift away from this, from the fixation on smoking as something sexual, but it is very difficult as it has been with me for 15+ years. I have never asked my partner to smoke in bed although I believe it would increase my excitedness level significantly.

Instead, I plan on quitting smoking (which is hard in and of itself but I know it can be done and feel confident about it, have cut back a lot already), not looking at sexual smoking porn (this is a well established scene with much material online) as I feel both fuel the problem, and smoking apparently can affect your erection strength as well. Obviously it doesn't need to be said that its bad for you, I know that already

Those things I know I can do. What I am struggling with is HOW to replace this kind of deviant or unhealthy MENTAL behavior with what IS healthy. When having sex I want to be excited and stimulated by my partner, and the experience at hand, but I am not sure how to transition from this longstanding fixation to a healthy, confident, normal type of mental sexual stimulation.

Yes, its pretty complicated and maybe weird too but if anyone has any advice here, i'm ready to hear it Thank you.

[yonkeehoi]

Markham, it seems you've developed a bad habit that needs to be broken. If you've been in this mode for 15 years then perhaps seeing a therapist will help you go in deep into yourself to look at everything this encompasses in your psyche. I'm sure there is plenty of nuance that comes into play here. If your partner means enough to you, perhaps she should participate in the process as well. Good start on the physical side is to quit smoking. Once you've stopped it becomes less appealing to be around. That alone may help.

[fuuhara1]

Hi M,
from your post i cant really put my finger on exactly what could have led to the choice of smoking as a sexual stimulant; i wish to point out that not having a father figure is not enough reason to justify the path you took but like you rightly noted that it is an unheathy behaviour, you have taken the first right step , and the next right step is to seek for help. but before then , just quit smoking.

[Keyman]

With the maintaining of the erection and the thinking about getting it up, which causes it not to stay 'up'. I've had this problem in the past, mine wasn't beacause I was fixating on anything in particular, just a low confidence in achieveing an erection. Where, during sexual encounter, I would be so focused on hoping to get one, that I would be disappointed.

I was able to fix it through a couple of means. My partner at the time was great and helped a lot - you have a constant partner, so that is a good start. You can try talking to a councellor about changing the fixation behaviour for a start.

I spoke to my doc and she gave me a supply of viagra - yes, the little blue pill. What this helped me with was... It took away my own self defeating thinking, because I knew it was going to get up, I didn't have to stop hoping, thinking, wondering, and worse, worrying. Then I just got on with it. I learned to focus on the act and on her. Trust me when I say that I would rather be focussed on those two things anyday than whether I am going to be working properly.

Then after a while, I weined myself off the magic pills and just kept my focus on the female form and the act. When I am with a new partner the first time, I am still nervous (and of course I am thinking), but when I get more comfortable, I have no troubles.

It takes time, dude, but with a supportive partner and a strong will you'll be right. And you do have a strong will, else your negative thoughts wouldn't be effecting it the way it does.

[Markham]

I don't think help is to be had, it comes from within, when you want to change something. The only question is how and what to do, for that there may be professional advice but i am dubious as to its legitimacy or ability to connect with the real state of affairs.

To the father thing, I only wished to illustrate that I think to be successful in sex with a woman you somewhat have to objectify them, to think about the sex and feeling good, as if almost to be greedy. I think in general when you are entirely socialized by women you lack the osmosis you would obtain of a man's methods and action. Its an entire other discussion but essentially if you are brought up to care too much about women's needs, you can't be "the man".

That plays into the real curiosity, essentially, what are people thinking about during sexual encounters that keeps them aroused? Is there just a raging hardon with no thought that lasts and lasts? I don't think so honestly. Cultivating a good thought pattern and state of relaxation is the thing that you would build, while downplaying the negative behavior and thinking (or eliminating it entirely). Maybe you have some comments about that?

[Markham]

@Keyman

Thanks, totally appreciate the straightforward and honest post. I kind of have the issue you said you'd solved, but I have two questions.

First, how did you not have anxiety when running out of your pills?

Second, Now that you feel confident, do most sexual positions work for you? I find that for me, having the woman on top is 3-5x as hard as something more missionary. When my girlfriend and try that, I get really worried immediately, and its self defeating.

[yonkeehoi]

Thing that a pro does is help you discover you and what's inside. They're trained in how to facilitate that. You're the one on here asking questions. A therapist helps bring out and expand on your questions so that you might look at them and make your own judgements. That's pretty much what they do.

[Keyman]

Originally Posted by Markham

To the father thing, I only wished to illustrate that I think to be successful in sex with a woman you somewhat have to objectify them, to think about the sex and feeling good, as if almost to be greedy.

That plays into the real curiosity, essentially, what are people thinking about during sexual encounters that keeps them aroused?

Yes, I guess in some ways you do need to objectify women during the act, but that is a harsh way to put it. To keep myself focused, I surround my thoughts in the sensuality of the experience. It's the beauty of the woman I am with, the feel of her skin, the taste of her lips, the feeling of what we are doing together, the sounds she makes etc. It's not greedy if it's about both of you. It's focusing of the feelings.

Thanks, totally appreciate the straightforward and honest post. I kind of have the issue you said you'd solved, but I have two questions.

That's what the site is here for and if my experiences can help others then I will not be shy about talking about them. I know that many would have trouble admitting to having had a form of erectile dysfunction, especially to such a wide audience, but not me. If someone here thinks I'm weird because of it, then that's their problem not mine.

How did you not have anxiety when running out of your pills?

Ah yes, you are a deep thinker like me... Make sure you have a supply. Get a good doctor that will prescribe them in more than single lots. In NZ they would just prescribe a pack of 4 (the standard size), end of story. Here in Oz, my doc threw in a few samples, and gave me a bunch of repeats, so that when I was running out, I knew I could just go get more. Expensive but worth it. They aren't (supposedly) chemically addictive, but you can get anxious about when you don't use them.

When you are ready, start weining yourself off, instead of using every time, use them less and less, but focus on the same thing as if you were using them. Eventually you wont need them at all.

Second, Now that you feel confident, do most sexual positions work for you? I find that for me, having the woman on top is 3-5x as hard as something more missionary. When my girlfriend and try that, I get really worried immediately, and its self defeating.

All of them, Matie. When you are focused on the naked beauty in your arms and the pleasure you will be bringing to both yourself and her, the position is just another level of fun.

Oh, and getting help might give you tools to use to help you, perhaps similar to what I have said, but may also give you a better understand as to where it all comes from. The more information, the better understanding, and the better ability to help yourself.


And as some people have said here this last week... Think about the positives of it, not the problems. The less you focus on the problems, the less problems there will be.