I want his proposal to be a surprise - am I petty?

turnaroundmyway · 11-03-2009, 04:57 PM

My bf and I have been discussing getting married lately. I really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I told him I want our engagement to be a surprise.

He's told his family and friends we're getting married. He's asked my brothers for their permission. He asked for my parents permission in my presence. He's asked me to discuss how they felt about us getting married with them. I know the ring is on order. He's on cloud 9. He's even started sending me links on honeymoon etc. He says the proposal is just a technicality. He acts as if its already a done deal. I've told him I don't want to talk about our wedding until he asks me, but he keeps talking about it. I keep stressing it's really important to me but he's just so excited.

I know I should be excited but I'm feeling more angry/annoyed. I'm so happy I've met this wonderful man and that he wants to spend the rest of our lives together, but he seems to be dismissing my feelings about this. It doesn't feel romantic at all. Is something wrong with me? I'm worried it'll feel anti-climactic when he does propose. Am I being petty/unreasonable? I'm starting to feel bad about myself for feeling this way.

Theblueman123 · 11-03-2009, 05:02 PM

Speaking as a guy, proposal is a big deal. It would be a crushing blow to him if he went to a lot of effort to organize it just for you to say "No." So, he's just making sure everything is in agreement first. He'll suprise you with it, but you know that he's gonna ask.

pinkrobot · 11-03-2009, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Theblueman123

Speaking as a guy, proposal is a big deal. It would be a crushing blow to him if he went to a lot of effort to organize it just for you to say "No." So, he's just making sure everything is in agreement first. He'll suprise you with it, but you know that he's gonna ask.

Wow, I understand how the OP feels though. I've been engaged before, and it was a conversation about marriage that dragged on for 2 YEARS before he finally proposed. By that point, I'd already known it was coming for so long and I'd already known he'd had the ring and the proposal was NOT special at all.

I understand a guy would be afraid of rejection...but it's one thing to talk to your SO and establish that you'd like to get married one day, and it's a whole different thing if you're talking to family and planning the wedding before you've even become engaged.

OP, no, you're not petty.

turnaroundmyway · 11-03-2009, 05:14 PM

Thanks, I understand that. We've already had the marriage/kids talk several times. I've already told him I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows I'll say yes which is why he's excited and telling everyone already. I just feel that knowing every detail is killing the romantic aspect for me. Not to mention he knows I don't want to know every detail but keeps telling me...

CBG · 11-03-2009, 05:18 PM

From my perspective, it appears that you are taking a lot of what he is doing for granted and focusing on the one thing that you don't like. He is buying you what is likely an expensive ring. He is actually planning things, which is far more than most men would want to do at this point. He clearly wants to be married to you and your biggest concern is that you will not be surprised when he does propose.

turnaroundmyway · 11-03-2009, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CBG

He is buying you what is likely an expensive ring. He is actually planning things, which is far more than most men would want to do at this point. He clearly wants to be married to you and your biggest concern is that you will not be surprised when he does propose.

Well, I'm perfectly fine with a cubic zirconia and I've told him that already. I don't believe it's fair to say what most men would do at this point since most of the happily married men in my life have planned it this way.

Batya33 · 11-03-2009, 05:29 PM

I think it's sweet when the proposal is a surprise but I agree you have a bad attitude about this - he's not trying to ruin the surprise, he simply just cannot contain his excitement so please please cut him some slack. He will surprise you - it will be a time you don't expect - and you need to put all the negative crap out of your head ASAP so you can be in the moment when it does happen.

Instead of focusing on that, how about not being so dismissive about the "marriage/kids talk" - sounds to me like you think it's some cliched discussion that you have to get through and then it's done.

I think it's an ongoing discussion (including after you're married) with the knowledge that you can't believe how many things will come up that you wouldn't have known to discuss or that you assumed you were on the same page about. I say that in a positive sense - not in a negative/dealbreaker sense - I am sure there are exceptions where there are no surprises but I don't think that's the rule. So keep talking about that - get some books or maybe even do some counseling so that you know what to discuss, what to ask, which may lessen the surprises down the line.

Grrr · 11-03-2009, 05:29 PM

Its already too late for it to become a surpise, anything he sets up now for a proposal you're gonna expect it anyway, granted it can be romantic and everything, but still.

You have to tell him the proposal is someting that actually does matter to you, he probably does'nt realise just how important it is to you.

Its adorable he's so excited about it, like people said, cut him some slack.

**melrich** · 11-03-2009, 05:34 PM

I gotta say I'm with the OP on this. He has asked your parents permission...your brothers (?)...bought ring....is sending you honeymoon ideas....venue options......and he hasn't ASKED you yet.

He seems to have gotten a few things a r s e about. I get your peeve.

pinkrobot · 11-03-2009, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by melrich

I gotta say I'm with the OP on this. He has asked your parents permission...your brothers (?)...bought ring....is sending you honeymoon ideas....venue options......and he hasn't ASKED you yet.

He seems to have gotten a few things a r s e about. I get your peeve.

Yep, I'm surprised so many people are saying she's focused too much on the negative...

Here's the other thing: he's spending all his excitement about it NOW, while in the meantime she's waiting for the actual proposal. So when she finally CAN be excited about it, he'll have spent all his excitement. An engagement should be something two people are equally excited about together. And when she goes to tell her family (which, from experience, is a GREAT part of getting engaged), well...they already know. The surprise has been spoiled.

11-03-2009, 04:57 PM	#1
turnaroundmyway Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Toronto, Canada Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 106	I want his proposal to be a surprise - am I petty? My bf and I have been discussing getting married lately. I really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I told him I want our engagement to be a surprise. He's told his family and friends we're getting married. He's asked my brothers for their permission. He asked for my parents permission in my presence. He's asked me to discuss how they felt about us getting married with them. I know the ring is on order. He's on cloud 9. He's even started sending me links on honeymoon etc. He says the proposal is just a technicality. He acts as if its already a done deal. I've told him I don't want to talk about our wedding until he asks me, but he keeps talking about it. I keep stressing it's really important to me but he's just so excited. I know I should be excited but I'm feeling more angry/annoyed. I'm so happy I've met this wonderful man and that he wants to spend the rest of our lives together, but he seems to be dismissing my feelings about this. It doesn't feel romantic at all. Is something wrong with me? I'm worried it'll feel anti-climactic when he does propose. Am I being petty/unreasonable? I'm starting to feel bad about myself for feeling this way.

11-03-2009, 05:02 PM	#2
Theblueman123 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: The Gym Gender: Male Age: 17 Posts: 578	Speaking as a guy, proposal is a big deal. It would be a crushing blow to him if he went to a lot of effort to organize it just for you to say "No." So, he's just making sure everything is in agreement first. He'll suprise you with it, but you know that he's gonna ask. __________________ Do something worth remembering.

11-03-2009, 05:29 PM	#8
Grrr Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,788	Its already too late for it to become a surpise, anything he sets up now for a proposal you're gonna expect it anyway, granted it can be romantic and everything, but still. You have to tell him the proposal is someting that actually does matter to you, he probably does'nt realise just how important it is to you. Its adorable he's so excited about it, like people said, cut him some slack. __________________ "Ol' Nicks' recess knocking steeples, rattling bones and burning needles" \|~All's well in Hell~\|

11-03-2009, 05:14 PM	#4
turnaroundmyway Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Toronto, Canada Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 106	Thanks, I understand that. We've already had the marriage/kids talk several times. I've already told him I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows I'll say yes which is why he's excited and telling everyone already. I just feel that knowing every detail is killing the romantic aspect for me. Not to mention he knows I don't want to know every detail but keeps telling me...

11-03-2009, 05:18 PM	#5
CBG Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Texas Gender: Male Posts: 67	From my perspective, it appears that you are taking a lot of what he is doing for granted and focusing on the one thing that you don't like. He is buying you what is likely an expensive ring. He is actually planning things, which is far more than most men would want to do at this point. He clearly wants to be married to you and your biggest concern is that you will not be surprised when he does propose.

11-03-2009, 05:29 PM	#7
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,059	I think it's sweet when the proposal is a surprise but I agree you have a bad attitude about this - he's not trying to ruin the surprise, he simply just cannot contain his excitement so please please cut him some slack. He will surprise you - it will be a time you don't expect - and you need to put all the negative crap out of your head ASAP so you can be in the moment when it does happen. Instead of focusing on that, how about not being so dismissive about the "marriage/kids talk" - sounds to me like you think it's some cliched discussion that you have to get through and then it's done. I think it's an ongoing discussion (including after you're married) with the knowledge that you can't believe how many things will come up that you wouldn't have known to discuss or that you assumed you were on the same page about. I say that in a positive sense - not in a negative/dealbreaker sense - I am sure there are exceptions where there are no surprises but I don't think that's the rule. So keep talking about that - get some books or maybe even do some counseling so that you know what to discuss, what to ask, which may lessen the surprises down the line.

11-03-2009, 05:34 PM	#9
melrich Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Gender: Male Posts: 8,498	I gotta say I'm with the OP on this. He has asked your parents permission...your brothers (?)...bought ring....is sending you honeymoon ideas....venue options......and he hasn't ASKED you yet. He seems to have gotten a few things a r s e about. I get your peeve.