Wow total distress

CuZiNeeDYoU · 11-03-2009, 02:04 PM

I thought i was doing good...i thought i was making progress...obviously im not....a stupid insignificant thing totally made me flip out...i walked out of my math class and went to cry in my car...how pathetic...what happened was i was on fb ...now i did delete my ex but one of her ex friends which ive been speaking to posted something so i cheked her profile and saw that my ex and her seemed to be best friends again....the reason this made me panic is that the friend in question has been on my side the whole time...telling me that the way shes treating me is unacceptable and saying that the new guy wont last and that shes probably gonna get her heart broken cuz thats what she deserves...i felt i had an ally...someone that understood me because she had also been cut out of my exs life...now i feel alonE in this...i knoe shell never say all those things she told me to my ex...i know she wont try to make her realize what shes doing is wrong...no one is gonna tell her and its
making me crazy....its not fair...a week later and she ad found someone new...a week before the breakup we were perfect...our sex life had come back and we were gettig along great...damn it i just feel like calling her and telling her what a heartless * * * * * she is....why can she be so happy with a new guy and her best friend back while im here thibking about crashinf my car into a damn light pole just to maybe get some attention fron her:...im totally lost and in distress

jellybaby41 · 11-03-2009, 02:25 PM

Best friends often fall out then become friends again ...but that doesn't mean to say that you still can't be friends with this girl (tho it may make things awkward if you were to talk about your ex now) and it doesn't mean to say that she will betray your confidence. Who knows, she could be telling your ex what a fool she is and what a nice guy you are!!

You probably feel as if you have lost the one person you were leaning on for support. Have you got any other friends you can talk too? It may help you in moving on to talk to someone else who is not attached to your ex in any way.

Try not to torture yourself over how your ex does or doesn't feel in her new relationship as you really don't know how she is feeling. I doubt very much that she has just forgotten you. Hang on in there. It really does get easier I promise ... just give yourself time.

jettison · 11-03-2009, 02:28 PM

She can't deal with you because your happiness is dependent on her, and that's likely a big part of why you two broke up and she's now with someone else. Dependence is a killer of romance. It's not a bad quality in a committed, long term relationship, and of course you have to depend on your partner for all sorts of things, but once dependence goes all out of balance then a relationship is in trouble.

When in a relationship, one of the most attractive qualities you can possess is the ability to show your partner that you'll be just fine if they aren't around. Don't mistake this ideal for not caring or not showing emotion or not loving someone. Simply, you have to make it exceedingly clear that you will love, but that when you are not treated well that not only will you not put up with it, but you will also be just fine all by yourself. And even when you are treated well, you need to always be taking physical and mental space for yourself.

There is nothing more attractive then an independent person, and that's why recent ex's are often seen as so unattractive to a dumper. Being dumped puts you in a very dependent state in your mind.

dandan78 · 11-03-2009, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jettison

She can't deal with you because your happiness is dependent on her, and that's likely a big part of why you two broke up and she's now with someone else. Dependence is a killer of romance. It's not a bad quality in a committed, long term relationship, and of course you have to depend on your partner for all sorts of things, but once dependence goes all out of balance then a relationship is in trouble.

When in a relationship, one of the most attractive qualities you can possess is the ability to show your partner that you'll be just fine if they aren't around. Don't mistake this ideal for not caring or not showing emotion or not loving someone. Simply, you have to make it exceedingly clear that you will love, but that when you are not treated well that not only will you not put up with it, but you will also be just fine all by yourself. And even when you are treated well, you need to always be taking physical and mental space for yourself.

There is nothing more attractive then an independent person, and that's why recent ex's are often seen as so unattractive to a dumper. Being dumped puts you in a very dependent state in your mind.

That WAS me, that WAS. I did both ends of the scale. I became dependent on my ex during my depressive episodes and then resented her for it (wrongly). I would then pull away to "prove" I wasn't dependent and became emotionally distant. I have truly suffered the consequences.

CuZiNeeDYoU · 11-03-2009, 03:33 PM

The thing is i cant seem to find any people who are in my situation...she cut complete contact and went for this guy less than a weekn later...i know this isnpretty common but in all the cases i read the ex kept some sort of contact...in almost all cases the ex would keep the dumpee as a safety net...the thing is my ex isnt even doing that....no calls no emails no doubt no remorse...she just turned to ice from one day to another...i wish she would string me along...at least i would feel like the 3 years we spent ogether mattered...at least id have the option of initiating nc knowing that it bothers her....im getting nothing...maybe im overreacting...its been 5 weeks so maybe its too
soon....but i dont see anything on the horizon that might indicate that shes having second
thoughts....we were each others first real ltr...shes so into this guy its like i never mattered...how could she be so heartless and shalow its so not like her and frankly its driving me insane

brazilgirl21 · 11-03-2009, 03:46 PM

50% of the posts here are about facebook. Man, facebook is the devil.

I just saw the page of my ex's new girlfriend and she had a pic with him with the caption: "endless love". Even if I believe I'm doing really well, that stings. But why does curiosity always gets the best of us??

Facebook is the worse thing ever. We need to learn.

soheartbroken · 11-03-2009, 04:20 PM

CuzINeedYou:

I'm with you. My ex has cut off all contact. No stringing along or anything. Not a peep from her. Total abandonment.

AND: just had the same thing happen to me Sunday. A mutual "friend", a person who I had really vented to and poured my heart out to about the breakup, posted a status update thanking the ex for a wonderful night out on Halloween (nothing romantic but still).

It's the sting of betrayal!! To make matters worse, this "friend" is not speaking to me. So she has sided with my ex, and who knows what they say about me. Possibly the ex said something to the "friend" that made her not talk to me anymore.

Has totally thrown me off the path. Major anxiety and depression coming on. So I hear you all the way. These things may be insignificant to others, but not to us.

It's really distressing. Hopefully though, if you were making progress, you will rebound from this setback more quickly.

I've since deactivated FB. I want to tell this "friend" off for pulling this insensitive * * * * , but that would just make things worse.

Please update me on how you're doing.

jellybaby41 · 11-03-2009, 06:25 PM

The thing is being strung along would give you nothing but false hope ... short-lived hope followed by a crushing blow when you realise that you are being strung along only for the pattern to repeat itself over and over again. It would just prolonge your agony. Far better to suffer the once than over and over again.

I do understand you wishing you could be the one to initate NC tho. It does give you a sense of taking control and empowerment which seems to help in the healing process. But there are other ways to to feel this empowerment. Just by focussing on moving on and feeling the progress, no matter how small, it can make you feel so much better.

11-03-2009, 02:04 PM	#1
CuZiNeeDYoU Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 134	Wow total distress I thought i was doing good...i thought i was making progress...obviously im not....a stupid insignificant thing totally made me flip out...i walked out of my math class and went to cry in my car...how pathetic...what happened was i was on fb ...now i did delete my ex but one of her ex friends which ive been speaking to posted something so i cheked her profile and saw that my ex and her seemed to be best friends again....the reason this made me panic is that the friend in question has been on my side the whole time...telling me that the way shes treating me is unacceptable and saying that the new guy wont last and that shes probably gonna get her heart broken cuz thats what she deserves...i felt i had an ally...someone that understood me because she had also been cut out of my exs life...now i feel alonE in this...i knoe shell never say all those things she told me to my ex...i know she wont try to make her realize what shes doing is wrong...no one is gonna tell her and its making me crazy....its not fair...a week later and she ad found someone new...a week before the breakup we were perfect...our sex life had come back and we were gettig along great...damn it i just feel like calling her and telling her what a heartless * * * * * she is....why can she be so happy with a new guy and her best friend back while im here thibking about crashinf my car into a damn light pole just to maybe get some attention fron her:...im totally lost and in distress

11-03-2009, 02:28 PM	#3
jettison Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: West Bay Posts: 4,969	She can't deal with you because your happiness is dependent on her, and that's likely a big part of why you two broke up and she's now with someone else. Dependence is a killer of romance. It's not a bad quality in a committed, long term relationship, and of course you have to depend on your partner for all sorts of things, but once dependence goes all out of balance then a relationship is in trouble. When in a relationship, one of the most attractive qualities you can possess is the ability to show your partner that you'll be just fine if they aren't around. Don't mistake this ideal for not caring or not showing emotion or not loving someone. Simply, you have to make it exceedingly clear that you will love, but that when you are not treated well that not only will you not put up with it, but you will also be just fine all by yourself. And even when you are treated well, you need to always be taking physical and mental space for yourself. There is nothing more attractive then an independent person, and that's why recent ex's are often seen as so unattractive to a dumper. Being dumped puts you in a very dependent state in your mind. __________________ A unique opportunity... If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face." "I wish someone knew me. I’d pick them apart and find out who I am." - Equestrian Dynamo

11-03-2009, 02:25 PM	#2
jellybaby41 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 41 Posts: 815	Best friends often fall out then become friends again ...but that doesn't mean to say that you still can't be friends with this girl (tho it may make things awkward if you were to talk about your ex now) and it doesn't mean to say that she will betray your confidence. Who knows, she could be telling your ex what a fool she is and what a nice guy you are!! You probably feel as if you have lost the one person you were leaning on for support. Have you got any other friends you can talk too? It may help you in moving on to talk to someone else who is not attached to your ex in any way. Try not to torture yourself over how your ex does or doesn't feel in her new relationship as you really don't know how she is feeling. I doubt very much that she has just forgotten you. Hang on in there. It really does get easier I promise ... just give yourself time.

11-03-2009, 03:33 PM	#5
CuZiNeeDYoU Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 134	The thing is i cant seem to find any people who are in my situation...she cut complete contact and went for this guy less than a weekn later...i know this isnpretty common but in all the cases i read the ex kept some sort of contact...in almost all cases the ex would keep the dumpee as a safety net...the thing is my ex isnt even doing that....no calls no emails no doubt no remorse...she just turned to ice from one day to another...i wish she would string me along...at least i would feel like the 3 years we spent ogether mattered...at least id have the option of initiating nc knowing that it bothers her....im getting nothing...maybe im overreacting...its been 5 weeks so maybe its too soon....but i dont see anything on the horizon that might indicate that shes having second thoughts....we were each others first real ltr...shes so into this guy its like i never mattered...how could she be so heartless and shalow its so not like her and frankly its driving me insane

11-03-2009, 03:46 PM	#6
brazilgirl21 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,616	50% of the posts here are about facebook. Man, facebook is the devil. I just saw the page of my ex's new girlfriend and she had a pic with him with the caption: "endless love". Even if I believe I'm doing really well, that stings. But why does curiosity always gets the best of us?? Facebook is the worse thing ever. We need to learn.

11-03-2009, 04:20 PM	#7
soheartbroken Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 47	CuzINeedYou: I'm with you. My ex has cut off all contact. No stringing along or anything. Not a peep from her. Total abandonment. AND: just had the same thing happen to me Sunday. A mutual "friend", a person who I had really vented to and poured my heart out to about the breakup, posted a status update thanking the ex for a wonderful night out on Halloween (nothing romantic but still). It's the sting of betrayal!! To make matters worse, this "friend" is not speaking to me. So she has sided with my ex, and who knows what they say about me. Possibly the ex said something to the "friend" that made her not talk to me anymore. Has totally thrown me off the path. Major anxiety and depression coming on. So I hear you all the way. These things may be insignificant to others, but not to us. It's really distressing. Hopefully though, if you were making progress, you will rebound from this setback more quickly. I've since deactivated FB. I want to tell this "friend" off for pulling this insensitive * * * * , but that would just make things worse. Please update me on how you're doing.

11-03-2009, 06:25 PM	#8
jellybaby41 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 41 Posts: 815	The thing is being strung along would give you nothing but false hope ... short-lived hope followed by a crushing blow when you realise that you are being strung along only for the pattern to repeat itself over and over again. It would just prolonge your agony. Far better to suffer the once than over and over again. I do understand you wishing you could be the one to initate NC tho. It does give you a sense of taking control and empowerment which seems to help in the healing process. But there are other ways to to feel this empowerment. Just by focussing on moving on and feeling the progress, no matter how small, it can make you feel so much better.