I'll try this again....hers, not mine.

KG · 11-02-2009, 08:25 AM

My wife of 25 years passed away 3 years ago. I've met someone I am love with, but technically, she is still married. They have not lived together for 3 years.
Her husband was served papers yesterday, for the divorce. She is citing cruel and unusual punishment, as he was never home, and when he was, was drunk, mentally abusive, just plain mean.

He has a history of going off the wall occassionally, tantrums, that sort of thing. We are worried he may go pyscho...he's been in denial since she left him. 3 kids, all away,. but they are worried for their Mom also.

Obviously, I cannot be seen with her, almost positive a PI will be involved. I'm going to be as supportive as I can, an hour away....any ideas on anything else I can do? I feel helpless, just giving support over the phone.
Thanks all.
KG

MoTay · 11-02-2009, 08:31 AM

I take it you don't live in a "no fault" state?

KG · 11-02-2009, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoTay

I take it you don't live in a "no fault" state?

No I don't.

doiiiieeezie · 11-02-2009, 08:57 AM

Dunno if I can be of much help, but since I dated a "Married" person in the past (they were separated, cheating and mental abuse issues, 2 kids) I can only offer this

1- Does she have documented cases of his off the wall episodes? Have the police been involved, do her parents/friends know about this... have they witnessed it? I understand the kids have, and all of this needs to be documented.
2- Do not keep a trail. If a PI is involved, then phone records, emails, letters etc can be used. Get a different cell, both of you if needed, do not use email programs such as gmail and possibly use proxy servers to communicate. Sneaky? Yes, but the less evidence that she is filing for divorce now, the better. A new relationship on the horizon will set the lawyers off more than anything.
3- Have they gone for counseling before about this, etc. If he is in denial, then he will try anything to show that she is not willing to work on this and he has been wanting to from day one. Again, the more evidence she has, the better.

You two may have to part ways until this is over, but be supportive and caring and hopefully, it won't drag out that long. All the best.

Bella20 · 11-02-2009, 09:04 AM

Just being there for her will be enough. She obviously knows you care about her and when we truly care about someone, our actions speak for themselves.

Hopefully everything will work out without any drama. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Best

B --

Falling leaf · 11-02-2009, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bella20

"... When we truly care about someone, our actions speak for themselves.

Best thing I've heard all year. I will take this with me and bear it like a rose in my pocket. This little mantra will continually teach me about my own conduct and what I can realistically deduce about others. Thank you Bella!

Bella20 · 11-02-2009, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Falling leaf

Best thing I've heard all year. I will take this with me and bear it like a rose in my pocket. This little mantra will continually teach me about my own conduct and what I can realistically deduce about others. Thank you Bella!

Awww I am so happy to hear that

lostandhurt · 11-02-2009, 01:03 PM

KG,
Hey buddy,
Be the best set of ears you can be. Are they legally seperated? If so the fact that she is dating you shouldn't matter should it?
Having someone that cares and is willing to listen, sometimes for hours about the same stuff does more good than you will ever know. I don't how nasty this thing will get but there is only so much you can do either way. Her sense of self will increase as she faces all this as the end of her marriage is taken care of. This is between her and her future ex husband. Let them handle that part while you are supportive to her.

Best wishes
Lost

KG · 11-02-2009, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandhurt

KG,
Hey buddy,
Be the best set of ears you can be. Are they legally seperated? If so the fact that she is dating you shouldn't matter should it?
Having someone that cares and is willing to listen, sometimes for hours about the same stuff does more good than you will ever know. I don't how nasty this thing will get but there is only so much you can do either way. Her sense of self will increase as she faces all this as the end of her marriage is taken care of. This is between her and her future ex husband. Let them handle that part while you are supportive to her.

Best wishes
Lost

No, they are still technically married. So any interaction with her could be viewed as infideleity, thus hurting her case. If the supeona (sp) her cell records, it shows we talk every night, except weekends, when she is with me.
I'm not sure how this is going to play out. And it may take months, if he puts up a stink.

Crazyaboutdogs · 11-02-2009, 07:54 PM

I guess I don't understand...if they have been legally separated for three years how can her dating you go against her. Lots of people date when they are separated but not divorced and it is not considered adultery in divorce cases.

11-02-2009, 08:25 AM	#1
KG Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: 2 miles east of Hicksville Gender: Male Posts: 4,902	I'll try this again....hers, not mine. My wife of 25 years passed away 3 years ago. I've met someone I am love with, but technically, she is still married. They have not lived together for 3 years. Her husband was served papers yesterday, for the divorce. She is citing cruel and unusual punishment, as he was never home, and when he was, was drunk, mentally abusive, just plain mean. He has a history of going off the wall occassionally, tantrums, that sort of thing. We are worried he may go pyscho...he's been in denial since she left him. 3 kids, all away,. but they are worried for their Mom also. Obviously, I cannot be seen with her, almost positive a PI will be involved. I'm going to be as supportive as I can, an hour away....any ideas on anything else I can do? I feel helpless, just giving support over the phone. Thanks all. KG __________________ Life is just a word until you go through it. I've got the scars to prove it.

11-02-2009, 09:04 AM	#5
Bella20 Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: US Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 1,064	Just being there for her will be enough. She obviously knows you care about her and when we truly care about someone, our actions speak for themselves. Hopefully everything will work out without any drama. I will keep you in my thoughts. Best B -- __________________ B -- while we're living in this town the sun is coming up and is going down but it's all just the same at the end of the day and we cheat and we lie, nobody says it's wrong so we don't ask why cuz it's all just the same at the end of the day we're throwing it all away

11-02-2009, 01:03 PM	#8
lostandhurt Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: California Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 2,150	KG, Hey buddy, Be the best set of ears you can be. Are they legally seperated? If so the fact that she is dating you shouldn't matter should it? Having someone that cares and is willing to listen, sometimes for hours about the same stuff does more good than you will ever know. I don't how nasty this thing will get but there is only so much you can do either way. Her sense of self will increase as she faces all this as the end of her marriage is taken care of. This is between her and her future ex husband. Let them handle that part while you are supportive to her. Best wishes Lost __________________ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness; Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

11-02-2009, 08:31 AM	#2
MoTay Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 191	I take it you don't live in a "no fault" state?

11-02-2009, 08:57 AM	#4
doiiiieeezie Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 679	Dunno if I can be of much help, but since I dated a "Married" person in the past (they were separated, cheating and mental abuse issues, 2 kids) I can only offer this 1- Does she have documented cases of his off the wall episodes? Have the police been involved, do her parents/friends know about this... have they witnessed it? I understand the kids have, and all of this needs to be documented. 2- Do not keep a trail. If a PI is involved, then phone records, emails, letters etc can be used. Get a different cell, both of you if needed, do not use email programs such as gmail and possibly use proxy servers to communicate. Sneaky? Yes, but the less evidence that she is filing for divorce now, the better. A new relationship on the horizon will set the lawyers off more than anything. 3- Have they gone for counseling before about this, etc. If he is in denial, then he will try anything to show that she is not willing to work on this and he has been wanting to from day one. Again, the more evidence she has, the better. You two may have to part ways until this is over, but be supportive and caring and hopefully, it won't drag out that long. All the best.

11-02-2009, 07:54 PM	#10
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,630	I guess I don't understand...if they have been legally separated for three years how can her dating you go against her. Lots of people date when they are separated but not divorced and it is not considered adultery in divorce cases.