Fantasy addiction?

leda · 10-29-2009, 05:01 PM

After my five year relationship (with a really amazing person whom I want more than anything) failed almost a year ago (because I chose to travel abroad), a lot of ugly truths started coming to light about my dating patterns. I realized I'd been in codependent relationships since I was 17, possibly seeking to fill the void left by a wretched childhood and absent parents. I've never been unhappier in my life. It's been the worst year. I don't know where I'm headed and I fear the future. I don't want to be a contributing member of society because I don't have faith in my own brain any more. I cry more than a few times a week. I look like hell and feel like it too. The pain is unbearable sometimes and I often consider suicide. It's been a downward spiral..

I have a friend who turned me onto a group called SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous). Are any of you familiar? This friend told me she was addicted to having fantasies (romantic and otherwise). She was dead serious. She said it was a hard addiction to break because she has a constant supply of her drug in her own head. I found this ludicrous at first, but 6 months later, I'm thinking I have a similar problem.

I've been so depressed that I don't live in reality any longer. I don't like to go out and be social anymore. I go through my day begrudgingly and can't wait to get home and sulk and fantasize. I fantasize about how I wish I looked, how things should have happened between my ex and I...you know, perfect love stories. I dream of him coming all the way across the atlantic to tell me what a sorry bastard he is for what he did to me and beg me to take him back. I dream of things as they are not, things I know will never happen. It doesn't hurt though. It's getting comfortable to live in my dream world, the only place where I'm beautiful and talented and well-loved. It seems to be the only cure for the pain I've felt over this immense loss, on top of the pain and rage buried under all that stuff. It's just a temporary escape from the pain I feel daily. It doesn't seem healthy, does it? Does anyone else experience this? Did you ever think it was bad for you and try to stop?

I know my only cure is to get outside of myself and DO something (take up an activity, get the adrenaline pumping, etc.) Problem is I don't want to. I feel that hopeless that I don't care if I'm wrecking my body by smoking tobacco and eating an excessive amount of chocolate and other terrible foods. I'm tall and thin and I used to be toned and fit and very pretty. Nowadays (for the last year), my face is erupted with a massive amount of painful zits (I'm not exaggerating) and my glasses hide my puffy, wrinkly eyes that are constantly tired because I stay up nights in tears. I look 10 years older than I am and I know it's my own fault. But I keep letting it get worse and worse, and it feels good to be going downhill. I don't want to exercise any more. I don't want to watch my diet. I want to die. I know I can't do that, so I want to hide and cry. Crying feels good. I don't know when I'll ever come back to reality.

If you have a similar problem, will you please share? Thank you.

Insane Heart · 10-29-2009, 05:10 PM

I've been feeling like this for quite some time. You are teetering on the edge here. You are depressed to a dangerous point. I would call you doctor and get youself on some anti-depressants and then find a good therapist. That's what I did, and it is helping immensly. Also, journaling can be a wonderful tool. Writing down your feelings and then delving into why you feel this way can be very freeing.

leda · 10-29-2009, 05:15 PM

Yeah, I think I need meds. Though I spent two years on Zoloft and remember how I hated how robotic it made me feel. I journal quite a bit too. It helps, but it's only a temporary reprieve. With a pen in my hand, I sometimes wander into the dangerous territory of wasting ink on him or worse, writing out my fantasy scenarios. The most pathetic was last week when I wrote a letter to myself from him. It contained all the things I wish he would say to me. It helped for a while but looking at it again made me so sad because I know it's not truth. So I tore it up and cried some more..

doiiiieeezie · 10-29-2009, 05:17 PM

I don't think that going to a self help group that "helps" you identify the issues will help here. All 12 step programs have the same mandate and it's good to talk about it.... but it's what I like to call the mirror syndrome. The power of the internet and others meddling in our lives will make our thinking clouded at times. People will look for clues and say: OH YEAH! That must be what I am suffering.

You seem to be facing serious depression and getting professional help will work. Getting out and exercising will help as well. Journal your feelings, volunteer, get a second job, take up a hobby... just do things that will keep you busy. This too will pass.

I don't think that your 5 yr relationship was a fantasy, it was real and it probably wasn't all peachy... it had it's good and bad times... and I think every one of us have wished that our exes would show up at the door and fight for us. But a relationship takes 2, and that is the reality of it all.

Wishing you the best.

wlh22 · 10-29-2009, 05:18 PM

Hi Leda,
I am reall sorry you are going through this. Try to get stronger everyday - small step at a time. That's what life is about - improving a little everyday.

First of all, someone who loves you doesn't leave you - for any reasons whatsover. So, don't blame yourself for any of the past.

Second, you seem young and this is a serious problem. If you want, please visit a doctor. Give it a few months and see if it helps.

You could try small things at a time. Join a gym or an activity or learn some musical instrument (a guitar is only $100)... Start something new to keep yourself busy.

Soon, there will be more and more good days (and some bad days). It will take time but you will get through.

Wish you all the best.

leda · 10-29-2009, 05:29 PM

Thank you guys. I am just in tears right now typing furiously. I know what I have to do and it's really hard work to even think of motivating myself to crawl out from under this boulder. That's the thing, Doiiiieeezie, my relationship was pretty damned peachy. I know we all tend to idolize our exes and put them on pedestal, but he was truly one of the nice guys your mother warned you about. I really was kind of a bad girlfriend...I did a few really bad things to him which he forgave me for. I feel like someone important died. I feel like I can't ever let anyone get that close to me again! I realize that I may be having some of that placebo effect or whatever you'd call it when you are searching for your "problem." But some of the things the SLAA people say make sense. Like the things about the little girl inside screaming to be loved. My mother abandoned us as children, I think I use my partners as crutches a little more than I should. In the last case, the man was two years younger than me, it was his first relationship, and I think he was overwhelmed by my emotional ups and downs. He stayed with me out of complacency. I didn't realize our minds were in such different places! I don't believe in love anymore and I can't trust anyone! And if my ideals are crap, I feel I have little reason to push on..

WomanWriter · 10-29-2009, 08:09 PM

Yeah, I feel like that to a point. I mean, I spend most of my days alone so I don't mind solitude, but I also don't feel like I'm very happy unless I'm with someone I love. I have lost weight, am taking a sports class, and have some hobbies, but I feel kind of neutral. Today I went to the library and spent the day reading memoirs and kind of zoning out.

I would say I am addicted to something too...maybe just addicted to escaping the real world. I fantasize that I'm alone in a cabin with a fireplace, reading books by the pale light. I fantasize being alone in a forest, with a strong, gentle man who loves me who I also love. I feel almost addicted to escaping the world I am in now. I want nothing to do with corporate life. I'm a trained teacher but want nothing to do with being around big crowds of discipline problems everyday. Today I saw some woman trying to "rationalize" with a crying child and it made me want to vomit. Probably because I've done all the politically correct tricks too. Trying to use "conflict management skills" to control the situation. I don't want to control anyone anymore. I want to be alone or with peaceful, creative people.

I don't think it's healthy because we should be trying to move up, up, up...go somewhere in life...make changes, be politically active. But none of that appeals to me, to be honest.

I think a lot of people would love to escape, but the thing is, we can't. Life can't be about constant romance and beauty. Where would we get money, food, shelter, etc? I worry about this because I don't want to spend my days as a wage slave, but I don't want to spend my days as a recluse or homeless person either.

I wish there were some answers.

atelis · 10-29-2009, 08:33 PM

i think it's good that you understand your own codependancy. Most people will live in denial, but awareness is the first step in recovery. I think you should explore CODA (CodEpenedants anonymous) or SLAA.

The problem with codependancy is that you are living a life that is not authentic........you live your life based on fear and seeking external validation due to your own low self worth. Abandonment is a very difficult thing to deal with and it triggers all sorts of psychological issues that centre around codependance and addiction, be it addiction to substances or addiction to love. romance etc.

badhabits · 10-29-2009, 08:47 PM

I think I have been where you are at to some degree. It is easier to retreat into a fantasy world when reality is just too ugly. The thing is, the less attention to pay to reality, the uglier it gets.

You have an active imagination. Why not channel that into creativity? Writing, painting etc...these things will give you pleasure and a constructive outlet for your drive to fantasy. Mine is very strong too, which is why I started writing.

Other than that, when you are not creating, you need to pay attention to the here and now, and apply strategies to improve your situation.

10-29-2009, 05:01 PM	#1
leda Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 42	Fantasy addiction? After my five year relationship (with a really amazing person whom I want more than anything) failed almost a year ago (because I chose to travel abroad), a lot of ugly truths started coming to light about my dating patterns. I realized I'd been in codependent relationships since I was 17, possibly seeking to fill the void left by a wretched childhood and absent parents. I've never been unhappier in my life. It's been the worst year. I don't know where I'm headed and I fear the future. I don't want to be a contributing member of society because I don't have faith in my own brain any more. I cry more than a few times a week. I look like hell and feel like it too. The pain is unbearable sometimes and I often consider suicide. It's been a downward spiral.. I have a friend who turned me onto a group called SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous). Are any of you familiar? This friend told me she was addicted to having fantasies (romantic and otherwise). She was dead serious. She said it was a hard addiction to break because she has a constant supply of her drug in her own head. I found this ludicrous at first, but 6 months later, I'm thinking I have a similar problem. I've been so depressed that I don't live in reality any longer. I don't like to go out and be social anymore. I go through my day begrudgingly and can't wait to get home and sulk and fantasize. I fantasize about how I wish I looked, how things should have happened between my ex and I...you know, perfect love stories. I dream of him coming all the way across the atlantic to tell me what a sorry bastard he is for what he did to me and beg me to take him back. I dream of things as they are not, things I know will never happen. It doesn't hurt though. It's getting comfortable to live in my dream world, the only place where I'm beautiful and talented and well-loved. It seems to be the only cure for the pain I've felt over this immense loss, on top of the pain and rage buried under all that stuff. It's just a temporary escape from the pain I feel daily. It doesn't seem healthy, does it? Does anyone else experience this? Did you ever think it was bad for you and try to stop? I know my only cure is to get outside of myself and DO something (take up an activity, get the adrenaline pumping, etc.) Problem is I don't want to. I feel that hopeless that I don't care if I'm wrecking my body by smoking tobacco and eating an excessive amount of chocolate and other terrible foods. I'm tall and thin and I used to be toned and fit and very pretty. Nowadays (for the last year), my face is erupted with a massive amount of painful zits (I'm not exaggerating) and my glasses hide my puffy, wrinkly eyes that are constantly tired because I stay up nights in tears. I look 10 years older than I am and I know it's my own fault. But I keep letting it get worse and worse, and it feels good to be going downhill. I don't want to exercise any more. I don't want to watch my diet. I want to die. I know I can't do that, so I want to hide and cry. Crying feels good. I don't know when I'll ever come back to reality. If you have a similar problem, will you please share? Thank you.

10-29-2009, 05:10 PM	#2
Insane Heart Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 282	I've been feeling like this for quite some time. You are teetering on the edge here. You are depressed to a dangerous point. I would call you doctor and get youself on some anti-depressants and then find a good therapist. That's what I did, and it is helping immensly. Also, journaling can be a wonderful tool. Writing down your feelings and then delving into why you feel this way can be very freeing.

10-29-2009, 05:15 PM	#3
leda Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 42	Yeah, I think I need meds. Though I spent two years on Zoloft and remember how I hated how robotic it made me feel. I journal quite a bit too. It helps, but it's only a temporary reprieve. With a pen in my hand, I sometimes wander into the dangerous territory of wasting ink on him or worse, writing out my fantasy scenarios. The most pathetic was last week when I wrote a letter to myself from him. It contained all the things I wish he would say to me. It helped for a while but looking at it again made me so sad because I know it's not truth. So I tore it up and cried some more..

10-29-2009, 05:17 PM	#4
doiiiieeezie Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 682	I don't think that going to a self help group that "helps" you identify the issues will help here. All 12 step programs have the same mandate and it's good to talk about it.... but it's what I like to call the mirror syndrome. The power of the internet and others meddling in our lives will make our thinking clouded at times. People will look for clues and say: OH YEAH! That must be what I am suffering. You seem to be facing serious depression and getting professional help will work. Getting out and exercising will help as well. Journal your feelings, volunteer, get a second job, take up a hobby... just do things that will keep you busy. This too will pass. I don't think that your 5 yr relationship was a fantasy, it was real and it probably wasn't all peachy... it had it's good and bad times... and I think every one of us have wished that our exes would show up at the door and fight for us. But a relationship takes 2, and that is the reality of it all. Wishing you the best.

10-29-2009, 05:18 PM	#5
wlh22 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 42	Hi Leda, I am reall sorry you are going through this. Try to get stronger everyday - small step at a time. That's what life is about - improving a little everyday. First of all, someone who loves you doesn't leave you - for any reasons whatsover. So, don't blame yourself for any of the past. Second, you seem young and this is a serious problem. If you want, please visit a doctor. Give it a few months and see if it helps. You could try small things at a time. Join a gym or an activity or learn some musical instrument (a guitar is only $100)... Start something new to keep yourself busy. Soon, there will be more and more good days (and some bad days). It will take time but you will get through. Wish you all the best.

10-29-2009, 05:29 PM	#6
leda Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 42	Thank you guys. I am just in tears right now typing furiously. I know what I have to do and it's really hard work to even think of motivating myself to crawl out from under this boulder. That's the thing, Doiiiieeezie, my relationship was pretty damned peachy. I know we all tend to idolize our exes and put them on pedestal, but he was truly one of the nice guys your mother warned you about. I really was kind of a bad girlfriend...I did a few really bad things to him which he forgave me for. I feel like someone important died. I feel like I can't ever let anyone get that close to me again! I realize that I may be having some of that placebo effect or whatever you'd call it when you are searching for your "problem." But some of the things the SLAA people say make sense. Like the things about the little girl inside screaming to be loved. My mother abandoned us as children, I think I use my partners as crutches a little more than I should. In the last case, the man was two years younger than me, it was his first relationship, and I think he was overwhelmed by my emotional ups and downs. He stayed with me out of complacency. I didn't realize our minds were in such different places! I don't believe in love anymore and I can't trust anyone! And if my ideals are crap, I feel I have little reason to push on..

10-29-2009, 08:09 PM	#7
WomanWriter Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: California Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 1,414	Yeah, I feel like that to a point. I mean, I spend most of my days alone so I don't mind solitude, but I also don't feel like I'm very happy unless I'm with someone I love. I have lost weight, am taking a sports class, and have some hobbies, but I feel kind of neutral. Today I went to the library and spent the day reading memoirs and kind of zoning out. I would say I am addicted to something too...maybe just addicted to escaping the real world. I fantasize that I'm alone in a cabin with a fireplace, reading books by the pale light. I fantasize being alone in a forest, with a strong, gentle man who loves me who I also love. I feel almost addicted to escaping the world I am in now. I want nothing to do with corporate life. I'm a trained teacher but want nothing to do with being around big crowds of discipline problems everyday. Today I saw some woman trying to "rationalize" with a crying child and it made me want to vomit. Probably because I've done all the politically correct tricks too. Trying to use "conflict management skills" to control the situation. I don't want to control anyone anymore. I want to be alone or with peaceful, creative people. I don't think it's healthy because we should be trying to move up, up, up...go somewhere in life...make changes, be politically active. But none of that appeals to me, to be honest. I think a lot of people would love to escape, but the thing is, we can't. Life can't be about constant romance and beauty. Where would we get money, food, shelter, etc? I worry about this because I don't want to spend my days as a wage slave, but I don't want to spend my days as a recluse or homeless person either. I wish there were some answers.

10-29-2009, 08:33 PM	#8
atelis Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,227	i think it's good that you understand your own codependancy. Most people will live in denial, but awareness is the first step in recovery. I think you should explore CODA (CodEpenedants anonymous) or SLAA. The problem with codependancy is that you are living a life that is not authentic........you live your life based on fear and seeking external validation due to your own low self worth. Abandonment is a very difficult thing to deal with and it triggers all sorts of psychological issues that centre around codependance and addiction, be it addiction to substances or addiction to love. romance etc.

10-29-2009, 08:47 PM	#9
badhabits Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Sydney, Australia Gender: Female Posts: 468	I think I have been where you are at to some degree. It is easier to retreat into a fantasy world when reality is just too ugly. The thing is, the less attention to pay to reality, the uglier it gets. You have an active imagination. Why not channel that into creativity? Writing, painting etc...these things will give you pleasure and a constructive outlet for your drive to fantasy. Mine is very strong too, which is why I started writing. Other than that, when you are not creating, you need to pay attention to the here and now, and apply strategies to improve your situation.