1st anniversary of his death- feeling very vulnerable

butterflycloud · 10-20-2009, 05:59 AM

On the 22nd October at 16:15 will be the 1st anniversary of the death of my husband.........

I dont know how to feel, what to do in rememberance, what to say to our 8 year old son.....

Needing comfort from anyone out there as I don't have many people who care...

Crazyaboutdogs · 10-20-2009, 06:05 AM

I am very sorry you lost your husband. The first anniversary of someone's death is often the hardest. Feelings are very personal..some people can feel empty, sad, numb, angry etc. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Is your husband buried..perhaps you can go to the cemetery with your son and maybe both of you can talk to him.

gsxr104 · 10-20-2009, 06:12 AM

I don't think you'd want to do anything that is going to make you feel bad. I've seen this before and It winds up a bad scene. You're going to feel the way that you feel and there isn't anyone on this planet that can tell you otherwise. If you want to look at pictures and cry rivers, then do it. I'm not sure if you do well looking back on those things. Some people can't forget these things but choses not too think back on them. I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother and a brother and it's not easy, I know.
Asa far as your eight year old son, I wouldn't say anything unless he asks. I don't think a child that young could possibly grasp these kinds of things very well. I'm not sure how many people are on at that time of day but, this is an excellent site to get a lot of support for a lot of different circumstances. I know. I've read them. There are some sharp people on this site. I don't think I've seen a negative post yet. Anyway, we are always here to help.

butterflycloud · 10-20-2009, 06:29 AM

Thanks you two.

Unfortunately he was cremated and his mother has his ashes, so we have no where to go to 'speak to him' which I must admit is very hard. I wish he had been buried....

Not sure what I should do, should I have a ceremony?? Or should I , for my son's sake, keep it on a low profile?

When I saw a medium they said that my husband didnt want a fuss for the anniversary of his death but I feel that I want to do something but dont know what.

Gosh I'm feeling so desperatly sad, absolutely devastated to my core.

orangetemple · 10-20-2009, 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by butterflycloud

Thanks you two.

Unfortunately he was cremated and his mother has his ashes, so we have no where to go to 'speak to him' which I must admit is very hard. I wish he had been buried....

Not sure what I should do, should I have a ceremony?? Or should I , for my son's sake, keep it on a low profile?

When I saw a medium they said that my husband didnt want a fuss for the anniversary of his death but I feel that I want to do something but dont know what.

Gosh I'm feeling so desperatly sad, absolutely devastated to my core.

I lost both my parents. In terms of dealing with anniversaries and the death in general, i think the big problem here is that you do not have a "place" to mourn, or remember him..
So is it possible to create an area? Plant a tree, maybe there is something significant, a plant of some sort that connects you two together.? And you can create your own area, or place to go.

Its important you dont sort of protect your son too much from the reality of death, as he will have to deal with it throughout his life- with other people that come and go.

It might also help your son if you have a place to mourn.You dont have a grave or even a tin of ashes, so its important to create something else.

trezz · 10-20-2009, 07:12 AM

i agree with creating an area that is for your husband.
if you plant a tree/bush make sure it is a good hardy type that will last years, maybe one that can be moved or easily have cuttings taken from it if you move.

children see things very differently to adults.
i'm sure you do already let him talk, that is the best thing, just give him the time and safety to know that his talking to you is ok,tears are ok even from a boy.
sometimes even if you have not said it,outside influences will have made him feel he has to 'be the man,look after mummy.'

raining.stars · 10-20-2009, 08:33 AM

Much love to you butterfly cloud.
On the first anniversary when my boyfriend died I went to the beach (bc we met at a beach) and relaxed did some things he would have enjoyed, ate his favourite food etc. And when the exact time came around I remembered him and his love and tried to focus on what he gave me and what he gave to everyone rather than what I had lost.
As for what to tell your son, only you know what is right to do and what to tell him etc.
If it was me I would do something small, a small kind of celebration of his life rather than focusing on the finality of death. Because even though he is not here the love continues on.
Well Im here if you need someone to listen, Ive also been through grief, and this December it will be 2 years since my boyfriend died

KG · 10-20-2009, 10:36 AM

'Cloud,
On her first anniversary, I made my son and I her favorite meal. We had a Memorial candle burning, and I told him stories about her he had never heard. It was somber, for sure. But I made sure he knew she would be forever in our hearts, that while she was gone, she wasn't, as long as we remembered her.
After supper, we snuggled, cried, dried ourselves up, and both went to bed early.
It was a very nice way to pay tribute.

Dagless · 10-20-2009, 12:42 PM

Hi Butterflycloud,
Do whatever feels comfortable and right for you and your son.
Don't think you have to do something if you don't feel up to it, it doesn't mean anything if you don't do anything special on that day. Just look to get though the day the best you can.

As always, you feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong way, just go with it.

papergirl · 10-20-2009, 06:20 PM

This is my first time on this forum. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband, it must be such a difficult time for you and your son. I am also grappling with what I should do for an upcoming 1st anniversary of my oldest brother, who passed away last November, and it's doubly hard given my father is on the brink of passing away too, from a different cancer. I am not sure where you are geographically but perhaps you could have a tree planting ceremony with a small gathering of family and friends in attendance. You could involve your son by letting him help to pick the tree and maybe pick a special birdhouse which will bring the tree to life and be a centre attraction in your yard. Just a thought. It's too cold where I am to do this but I'd like to. Be gentle with yourself and maybe do or go somewhere that was a favourite place to feel closer to him. God bless.

10-20-2009, 05:59 AM	#1
butterflycloud Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: universal plains Gender: Female Posts: 392	1st anniversary of his death- feeling very vulnerable On the 22nd October at 16:15 will be the 1st anniversary of the death of my husband......... I dont know how to feel, what to do in rememberance, what to say to our 8 year old son..... Needing comfort from anyone out there as I don't have many people who care... __________________ Come to the edge he said They said' we are afraid' He said again- 'come to the edge' They came..... He pushed them..... And they flew.....

10-20-2009, 06:29 AM	#4
butterflycloud Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: universal plains Gender: Female Posts: 392	Thanks you two. Unfortunately he was cremated and his mother has his ashes, so we have no where to go to 'speak to him' which I must admit is very hard. I wish he had been buried.... Not sure what I should do, should I have a ceremony?? Or should I , for my son's sake, keep it on a low profile? When I saw a medium they said that my husband didnt want a fuss for the anniversary of his death but I feel that I want to do something but dont know what. Gosh I'm feeling so desperatly sad, absolutely devastated to my core. __________________ Come to the edge he said They said' we are afraid' He said again- 'come to the edge' They came..... He pushed them..... And they flew.....

10-20-2009, 07:12 AM	#6
trezz Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: uk Gender: Female Age: 47 Posts: 548	i agree with creating an area that is for your husband. if you plant a tree/bush make sure it is a good hardy type that will last years, maybe one that can be moved or easily have cuttings taken from it if you move. children see things very differently to adults. i'm sure you do already let him talk, that is the best thing, just give him the time and safety to know that his talking to you is ok,tears are ok even from a boy. sometimes even if you have not said it,outside influences will have made him feel he has to 'be the man,look after mummy.' __________________ say thank you the ena way......click helpful post EQD has spotted my weakness.....quote, 'ena is the new heroin.' LOL...well, Jpo, one more vote from the my-skull-may-be-missing-teeth-but-I-still-have-eyes-in-my-sockets-to-freakin-see gallery, here. TOV making my day about us mature ladies showing our appreciation of Jpo on photo thread.

10-20-2009, 10:36 AM	#8
KG Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: 2 miles east of Hicksville Gender: Male Posts: 4,905	'Cloud, On her first anniversary, I made my son and I her favorite meal. We had a Memorial candle burning, and I told him stories about her he had never heard. It was somber, for sure. But I made sure he knew she would be forever in our hearts, that while she was gone, she wasn't, as long as we remembered her. After supper, we snuggled, cried, dried ourselves up, and both went to bed early. It was a very nice way to pay tribute. __________________ Life is just a word until you go through it. I've got the scars to prove it.

10-20-2009, 12:42 PM	#9
Dagless Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Drifting back through space and time. Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 626	Hi Butterflycloud, Do whatever feels comfortable and right for you and your son. Don't think you have to do something if you don't feel up to it, it doesn't mean anything if you don't do anything special on that day. Just look to get though the day the best you can. As always, you feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong way, just go with it. __________________ Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part. "If you don't gosub a program loop, you'll never get a subroutine" ~ Kryten 2X4B-523P

10-20-2009, 06:05 AM	#2
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,632	I am very sorry you lost your husband. The first anniversary of someone's death is often the hardest. Feelings are very personal..some people can feel empty, sad, numb, angry etc. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Is your husband buried..perhaps you can go to the cemetery with your son and maybe both of you can talk to him.

10-20-2009, 06:12 AM	#3
gsxr104 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Texas Gender: Male Posts: 650	I don't think you'd want to do anything that is going to make you feel bad. I've seen this before and It winds up a bad scene. You're going to feel the way that you feel and there isn't anyone on this planet that can tell you otherwise. If you want to look at pictures and cry rivers, then do it. I'm not sure if you do well looking back on those things. Some people can't forget these things but choses not too think back on them. I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother and a brother and it's not easy, I know. Asa far as your eight year old son, I wouldn't say anything unless he asks. I don't think a child that young could possibly grasp these kinds of things very well. I'm not sure how many people are on at that time of day but, this is an excellent site to get a lot of support for a lot of different circumstances. I know. I've read them. There are some sharp people on this site. I don't think I've seen a negative post yet. Anyway, we are always here to help.

10-20-2009, 08:33 AM	#7
raining.stars Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 429	Much love to you butterfly cloud. On the first anniversary when my boyfriend died I went to the beach (bc we met at a beach) and relaxed did some things he would have enjoyed, ate his favourite food etc. And when the exact time came around I remembered him and his love and tried to focus on what he gave me and what he gave to everyone rather than what I had lost. As for what to tell your son, only you know what is right to do and what to tell him etc. If it was me I would do something small, a small kind of celebration of his life rather than focusing on the finality of death. Because even though he is not here the love continues on. Well Im here if you need someone to listen, Ive also been through grief, and this December it will be 2 years since my boyfriend died

10-20-2009, 06:20 PM	#10
papergirl Offline Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 1	I feel for you ~ This is my first time on this forum. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband, it must be such a difficult time for you and your son. I am also grappling with what I should do for an upcoming 1st anniversary of my oldest brother, who passed away last November, and it's doubly hard given my father is on the brink of passing away too, from a different cancer. I am not sure where you are geographically but perhaps you could have a tree planting ceremony with a small gathering of family and friends in attendance. You could involve your son by letting him help to pick the tree and maybe pick a special birdhouse which will bring the tree to life and be a centre attraction in your yard. Just a thought. It's too cold where I am to do this but I'd like to. Be gentle with yourself and maybe do or go somewhere that was a favourite place to feel closer to him. God bless.