..And he said we have a "spiritual connection"..

ForYrEyesOnly · 10-19-2009, 09:51 PM

Hi everyone!

Well, here is my problem. I have been single for a few years and decided to try online dating again. So I joined Match. Well, one guy's profile I came across sounded interesting, so I got in touch. I heard from him 3 weeks later. Apparently, he didn't check his messages.

This is when the story hits overdrive. The first time we spoke, we ended up talking for 4 and a half hours! Yes, I know it's a long time, but it seemed so natural, like I had known him for years. He lives in the States and I'm in Canada btw. A lot of what he was saying was checking boxes for me, and I felt we had a lot in common. I was surprised he could be single, since was good looking, had a good job and was nice. He seems to be the whole package..I really felt good after that conversation and the next day I had this weird excited feeling inside. I haven't felt that for a long time..to be excited about someone..so although it felt good, it was a little scary.

The next night we spoke for another 3.5 hours..but this is when the bomb broke..he told me that he was divorced and that he was married for 6 years! It's more the fact that he never said anything that bothered me..I don't like liars. And his profile said he had "never been married", so I took it at face value. He explained saying, he knows a lot of people and doesn't want everyone to know his business, because he is online with his picture. But that his friends and family know. The divorce just was finalized in April. Seriously, when he told me this, my heart dropped..I guess that first conversation was so good, I didn't think there could be anything else. Also, I don't know why anyone would lie online about being divorced..it's not such a bad thing. I'm an over 30 year old woman, and I could have easily lied about my age, but I didn't..because I don't want to lead anyone on.

But the next day, I was confused (I still am!)..I really feel some connection to him, and don't want to just throw it away because he never put Divorced on his profile..but I'm also scared I'm just ignoring the fact that he lied.

Now we have spoken about 2 times after that, and the conversations have been just as long. He tells me he has never felt this connection before, though he knows we don't know each other. And that the last time he had it was 10 years ago.

Another thing that bothers me is his dating history. He said since the divorce, he has dated but not really felt anything. That he has not been emotionally invested. He hasn't even thought about them throughout the day. I can't imagine dating someone and not even thinking about them once. Women have brought it up to him asking him "Why are you disconnected" but he just lies and tells them "No, I really like you"..when he doesn't. But he says he feels very different about me, that he places me in a different category and really wants to get to know me. He also told me last night that he feels we have a "Spiritual Connection"..that he cares about me, and it's not about looks or anything, because we are connecting through talking.

Today I woke up more confused..do you think this guy is a player? And was it a bad sign he lied on his profile? He also told me he lied about his income on his profile..he would put it as over $200 000, so that if women called asking about it..he could weed out the gold diggers.

I'm at the stage in my life where I really want someone to love, who I can trust (I've had my trust broken many times in the past)..He is someone who I definitely feel something with, but does that even mean anything or do you think everything I have said is screaming red flags?

I would appreciate your help..thank you.

D_Lish · 10-19-2009, 10:01 PM

It's a bad sign IMO and when they go on about this strong connection they are feeling, despite only knowing you two minutes.
Expect him to be declaring he loves you and you are the 'one' and very soon....

I personally wouldnt trust him.

Crazyaboutdogs · 10-19-2009, 10:01 PM

He doesn't sound very trustworthy. Why would he put over 200,000 if he wanted to weed out the gold diggers..wouldn't that just encourage gold diggers. Also, why did so few people even know that he was married? He is full of it with his "spiritual connection" when he barely knows you. I would walk away from this guy..he sounds creepy.

**melrich** · 10-19-2009, 10:02 PM

It's not a great start....to be catching him out in falsehoods. And I would also be a bit leery about this very fast jump to a "spiritual connection".

I guess I can understand the "Never Married" thing and could overlook it. But I would remain pretty wary and go very very slowly.

Nidania · 10-19-2009, 10:02 PM

I'm not liking the lies here, not one bit.

I can kind of understand him not wanting to say he was divorced on his profile, a lot of women would interpret "divorced" as meaning "has a metric ton of baggage." He did come clean about that in the second conversation though, and that's kind of cool.

To jump from "I really like you" to "We have a spiritual connection" so quickly though? That's possible, so maybe. But lying about is income too? AND that he never ever thought about other women when he was dating them? No way man. That's a lot of lies for 4 conversations, regardless how long they were.

Please do be cautious here ForYrEyesOnly. I'm an over 30 woman too, and like you, I've met someone a little over a month ago through chatting only. He's never lied though, he's never made himself out to be something he's not. This guy you've been talking to has lied 4 times over the course of 4 conversations. Big big red flags.

unabashed · 10-19-2009, 10:06 PM

It's hard to say from outside of the situation, but...you should trust your instincts. Your story reminds me of a guy I dated. He told me that when he broke up with his past girlfriends, he just stopped contacting them, and he acted like he didn't know them. Of course, he said, he'd never do that to me. But, he did. He literally pretended he didn't know who I was when I called. I'm not saying it's the same thing, but he's basically telling you how he deals with women in relationships. It's really likely that you are no exception. I would feel very suspicious of his sincerity. Sorry.

ForYrEyesOnly · 10-19-2009, 10:13 PM

Wow...thank you everyone for the quick replies..I really appreciate it!

It seems like everyone's consensus is to drop him. But if I didn't feel a connection with him I haven't felt with anyone else I would have done that already. You are right, that i don't know this guy..he's a stranger..but I'm holding onto the hope that he could be something more.

I also feel as a 34 year old, that I can't just throw away every potential I meet..time is definitely not on my side. I know it sounds pretty desperate..sheesh! But really, I don't want to be that overly picky person who ends up alone. Maybe I'm just scared.

We have talked a lot in the past week..averaging 3-4 hours per night. So I just assume that, that is how we have felt a connection..He has a lot in common..except for the way he acts with women in the past etc..I don't like that. Every relationship I have been in was because I wanted to be there.

I'm definitely going to be cautious, but I really appreciate everyone's advice..I will keep you posted..

D_Lish · 10-19-2009, 10:14 PM

When I meet a guy, I try to glean info and about his past relationships, how long they lasted, why they broke up, etc...

How they treated women in their past, is a good indicator of how they will treat you or end up treating you.

D_Lish · 10-19-2009, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ForYrEyesOnly

'time is definitley not on my side...

My God, you are ONLY 34....not 74!!!

Im 34, but I wouldnt settle for anything less, than what I feel I deserve....whether I end up alone for the rest of my days or not..lol

HeartGoesOn · 10-19-2009, 10:25 PM

I smell a rat.

Never deny your gut feelings. Since he's already lied about his past, I would have a hard time believing anything he says.

This is not a good sign of what's to come, especially with someone you haven't even met in person yet.

Remember that past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour.

10-19-2009, 09:51 PM	#1
ForYrEyesOnly Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 4	..And he said we have a "spiritual connection".. Hi everyone! Well, here is my problem. I have been single for a few years and decided to try online dating again. So I joined Match. Well, one guy's profile I came across sounded interesting, so I got in touch. I heard from him 3 weeks later. Apparently, he didn't check his messages. This is when the story hits overdrive. The first time we spoke, we ended up talking for 4 and a half hours! Yes, I know it's a long time, but it seemed so natural, like I had known him for years. He lives in the States and I'm in Canada btw. A lot of what he was saying was checking boxes for me, and I felt we had a lot in common. I was surprised he could be single, since was good looking, had a good job and was nice. He seems to be the whole package..I really felt good after that conversation and the next day I had this weird excited feeling inside. I haven't felt that for a long time..to be excited about someone..so although it felt good, it was a little scary. The next night we spoke for another 3.5 hours..but this is when the bomb broke..he told me that he was divorced and that he was married for 6 years! It's more the fact that he never said anything that bothered me..I don't like liars. And his profile said he had "never been married", so I took it at face value. He explained saying, he knows a lot of people and doesn't want everyone to know his business, because he is online with his picture. But that his friends and family know. The divorce just was finalized in April. Seriously, when he told me this, my heart dropped..I guess that first conversation was so good, I didn't think there could be anything else. Also, I don't know why anyone would lie online about being divorced..it's not such a bad thing. I'm an over 30 year old woman, and I could have easily lied about my age, but I didn't..because I don't want to lead anyone on. But the next day, I was confused (I still am!)..I really feel some connection to him, and don't want to just throw it away because he never put Divorced on his profile..but I'm also scared I'm just ignoring the fact that he lied. Now we have spoken about 2 times after that, and the conversations have been just as long. He tells me he has never felt this connection before, though he knows we don't know each other. And that the last time he had it was 10 years ago. Another thing that bothers me is his dating history. He said since the divorce, he has dated but not really felt anything. That he has not been emotionally invested. He hasn't even thought about them throughout the day. I can't imagine dating someone and not even thinking about them once. Women have brought it up to him asking him "Why are you disconnected" but he just lies and tells them "No, I really like you"..when he doesn't. But he says he feels very different about me, that he places me in a different category and really wants to get to know me. He also told me last night that he feels we have a "Spiritual Connection"..that he cares about me, and it's not about looks or anything, because we are connecting through talking. Today I woke up more confused..do you think this guy is a player? And was it a bad sign he lied on his profile? He also told me he lied about his income on his profile..he would put it as over $200 000, so that if women called asking about it..he could weed out the gold diggers. I'm at the stage in my life where I really want someone to love, who I can trust (I've had my trust broken many times in the past)..He is someone who I definitely feel something with, but does that even mean anything or do you think everything I have said is screaming red flags? I would appreciate your help..thank you.

10-19-2009, 10:25 PM	#10
HeartGoesOn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Massachusetts Gender: Female Posts: 2,659	I smell a rat. Never deny your gut feelings. Since he's already lied about his past, I would have a hard time believing anything he says. This is not a good sign of what's to come, especially with someone you haven't even met in person yet. Remember that past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. __________________ ~ Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance... I hope you dance. ~

10-19-2009, 10:01 PM	#2
D_Lish Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: England UK Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 3,728	It's a bad sign IMO and when they go on about this strong connection they are feeling, despite only knowing you two minutes. Expect him to be declaring he loves you and you are the 'one' and very soon.... I personally wouldnt trust him.

10-19-2009, 10:01 PM	#3
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,631	He doesn't sound very trustworthy. Why would he put over 200,000 if he wanted to weed out the gold diggers..wouldn't that just encourage gold diggers. Also, why did so few people even know that he was married? He is full of it with his "spiritual connection" when he barely knows you. I would walk away from this guy..he sounds creepy.

10-19-2009, 10:02 PM	#4
melrich Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Gender: Male Posts: 8,498	It's not a great start....to be catching him out in falsehoods. And I would also be a bit leery about this very fast jump to a "spiritual connection". I guess I can understand the "Never Married" thing and could overlook it. But I would remain pretty wary and go very very slowly.

10-19-2009, 10:02 PM	#5
Nidania Online Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Gender: Female Age: 35 Posts: 347	I'm not liking the lies here, not one bit. I can kind of understand him not wanting to say he was divorced on his profile, a lot of women would interpret "divorced" as meaning "has a metric ton of baggage." He did come clean about that in the second conversation though, and that's kind of cool. To jump from "I really like you" to "We have a spiritual connection" so quickly though? That's possible, so maybe. But lying about is income too? AND that he never ever thought about other women when he was dating them? No way man. That's a lot of lies for 4 conversations, regardless how long they were. Please do be cautious here ForYrEyesOnly. I'm an over 30 woman too, and like you, I've met someone a little over a month ago through chatting only. He's never lied though, he's never made himself out to be something he's not. This guy you've been talking to has lied 4 times over the course of 4 conversations. Big big red flags.

10-19-2009, 10:06 PM	#6
unabashed Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: None Specified Posts: 627	It's hard to say from outside of the situation, but...you should trust your instincts. Your story reminds me of a guy I dated. He told me that when he broke up with his past girlfriends, he just stopped contacting them, and he acted like he didn't know them. Of course, he said, he'd never do that to me. But, he did. He literally pretended he didn't know who I was when I called. I'm not saying it's the same thing, but he's basically telling you how he deals with women in relationships. It's really likely that you are no exception. I would feel very suspicious of his sincerity. Sorry.

10-19-2009, 10:13 PM	#7
ForYrEyesOnly Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 4	Wow...thank you everyone for the quick replies..I really appreciate it! It seems like everyone's consensus is to drop him. But if I didn't feel a connection with him I haven't felt with anyone else I would have done that already. You are right, that i don't know this guy..he's a stranger..but I'm holding onto the hope that he could be something more. I also feel as a 34 year old, that I can't just throw away every potential I meet..time is definitely not on my side. I know it sounds pretty desperate..sheesh! But really, I don't want to be that overly picky person who ends up alone. Maybe I'm just scared. We have talked a lot in the past week..averaging 3-4 hours per night. So I just assume that, that is how we have felt a connection..He has a lot in common..except for the way he acts with women in the past etc..I don't like that. Every relationship I have been in was because I wanted to be there. I'm definitely going to be cautious, but I really appreciate everyone's advice..I will keep you posted..

10-19-2009, 10:14 PM	#8
D_Lish Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: England UK Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 3,728	When I meet a guy, I try to glean info and about his past relationships, how long they lasted, why they broke up, etc... How they treated women in their past, is a good indicator of how they will treat you or end up treating you.