Breaking the habit and getting over the addiction.

[Mustachio]

Well I am back in the healing forum. The getting back together forum doesnt apply to me anymore and probably never did. If you are not aware of my posts, then be prepared for another long one.

I had a therapy appointment today, and brought up a lot of the things atelis discussed in my other thread in the getting back together forum. And while I think I have some idea on my end of why I stayed, what my therapist is convinced of is that I was addicted, addicted to her and addicted to the relationship. Whether I am addicted to relationships in general or whether it was specifically her, I am not sure. What I do know is that I always wanted a relationship in the past, and even though she hurt me really badly, she was my first, and filled that need to be in a relationship and have emotional and physical intimacy. I originally stayed with her because at the beginning things were strong between us and I stayed out of fear, fear of going back to the way I was before the relationship and fear of losing the emotional and physical intimacy. Over time, it developed into a pattern and an addiction.

After staying at the beginning, the pattern developed, and even though things were bad for a while, the serious thought of leaving never really entered my mind. I was addicted to being with her. But being with her meant not only did I get the emotional and physical intimacy but I also got the mistrust, the mental and emotional issues, the cheating, the neediness on her end, and all the self worth and self esteem issues that came on my end because of her actions. It hurt being in the relationship, but it hurt less than losing her and losing my addiction would have meant. If any of you followed my thread, you would know that earlier in the week I posted about wanting to be friends with her in an attempt to try something different to get back together with her. I havent. I havent partly because I feel its hopeless and if she wanted to reconcile she would be calling me, but the main reasons are on my end. I know that I am better off not having her in my life, and I know that I stand nothing to gain by trying to keep her in my life right now, even if she was interested in reconciling, which she isnt. The urge to call her is fading, but its being replaced with some sadness.

So I guess I posted in here for a few reasons. I am still working through everything in my head and still really want to bounce ideas around and get some outside perspectives. I know that not everyones situation is the same as mine, and in fact I know that my case is a bit severe, because I let myself go back so many times, but I am wondering how many people have found their situation to be like an addiction and the courses of action people have taken. I am keeping myself busy and it does help, but beyond the usual, keep busy, try new things, etc, what else is there to do, not simply to get over the addiction, but to get mine, and your mind focused elsewhere.

[waveseer]

I did everything people suggested to get over my ex. I won't bore you with the list as it is extensive and it spans years. In the final analysis this is what worked for me:

1. I found a hobby I could be passionate about, one that makes me feel alive and that life is worth living.

2. I used mantras or prayers, if you will, to retrain my brain to think other thoughts instead of about him.

3. I shared about what was happening to me and what I was feeling all the time, well, as soon as I crawled out from my wound-licking hiding place that is.

4. I made plans related to career, family, recreation, and personal growth that contained not a whiff of him and executed them.

5. I saw other men, nobody special as it turned out but I did try.

6. I poured my heart out to my ex whenever I felt like it until there was no more to share.

7. I let go of the idea that he could ever be the man I wanted him to be.

8. I accepted life as I now know it. It will change, but for now I am okay with everything exactly the way it is.

[star111]

I suggest reading the book, "how to break your addiction to a person" by Howard Halpern. helped me tremendously in past situations. It clearly defines what real love is and what an addiction is.... and how easily we get wrapped up in the addiction cycle. changed my perspective on things, and helped me understand why I was attached to certain people.

[Spawn]

More than anything....what helped me was the will to get over the addiction, understanding its an addiction and i should not waste time even a second more when i face it again and again....

[greyarea]

star- i need to get that book! thanks

to the OP- here's some perspective from someone who is literally in the SAME exact position (though i know you're looking for other viewpoints). really, i could post your exact words under my name and have it relate almost to the word, check my thread in the conflicts section if you want to use some of that advice. though i know what led to this is most likely different for both of us, we're stuck in this addictive place now. i too am addicted to relationship, have had an unquenchable thirst for them ever since middleschool dances. just got out of a yearlong relationship that, like you, fulfilled some part of it (definitely at first, i was on cloud 9) the longest relationship before this one was 3 months, and this relationship was prefaced by years of loneliness and failed pursuits and being led on every time (or more likely, leading myself on). we've been broken up for two weeks but like a drug, any hint or sign of her will throw me down a dark tunnel of relapse and pain. because at the end of the relationship i was living for the thrill of the scraps of "love" she would throw to me every now and then. just like a faithful dog looking up at its master at the dinner table. she was in complete control and i was holding on to the hopes of forgotten lust, love, and companionship. coming out of the relationship i try to look forward and i am excited that if anything, the sex will be better in the next relationship. but i still feel unfulfilled after that yearlong relationship (that feeling may have to do with how it ended and the lack of/extending of closure that i'm still going through now), but i'm craving more, something better, something that will last, something that will take me higher. i believe you can see the similarities in our situations.

let me now offer you some advice for what helps me inbetween the relapses:

- art/anything creative: i am in school for art so this may not apply, but even for non-artists, i am a strong believer in art therapy and use it myself a lot. any time you can get caught up in expressing your emotions and feelings to create something physical and visual, which captures those emotions and stores them in a particular place and time (you look back on your art and remember making it). it really does make you feel better.

-write/talk it out: similar to making art, this gets everything out there... a purging of thought and emotion. i keep a journal, which i write in and over the past 3 months has been strictly about thoughts and feelings of her. i feel better after i write and i can go back and see how my mindset has changed on the situation. even posting here helps, though there is the argument that coming to this site can be depressing.

-be spontaneous/adventurous: addiction is almost synonymous with habit and routine. if you go to the same bars/restaurants/places you went with your ex, they're only going to remind you of them. i like to be spontaneous, maybe take a different way home from work or when you need a break, go for a bike ride, a walk, a car ride, a jog somewhere you've never been before. go eat at obscure places or hang out with different groups of friends. you need to form new memories and new habits that don't remind you of her.

try those, or your own variations of those (for example, if you're more into music or video games than art, then go out and buy a new CD or game). actually by typing all of this out as a reply, it has made me feel a little better and gain a better understanding of my own situation, hah.

so basically the spark notes are: purge your heart and head of everything about her and start to create new memories and a new future. if you're like me and feel unfulfilled with the relationship, than go out and meet new girls. not necessarily to date them but just to look forward rather than backward.

an obsessive nature often is part of who we are and can't be changed. it can be used for good, when you find someone who is just obsessed about you as you are with them. but until then, you just have to direct your desire forward and let go of the past.

[mrvaughn]

Wow...Like Grayarea, That post could have easily been written by myself.

We spent every day together for 8 hours a day. I got used to having her about & liked her company, even though she said things that I didn't believe to be true, it didn't bother me as she wasn't a girlfriend or anything so it didn't affect me.

I made the mistake of developing an attraction, but it was down to sympathy for her in a way, and also a convenience and sense of comfort as we knew each other (turns out I didn't know her at all). I feel like when things were looking good at the start I actually thought "Do I really want her". I convinced myself that I did & once it was starting to look like nothing was probably going to happen that's when my 'obsessiveness/addiction' took over. (I'm glad because it worked out for the best...I was on the 'back-burner'.

She was doing and saying things that I would never put up with normally and I just kept going. This was down to the fact that I always wanted a relationship, but due to shyness & confidence issues it hasn't happened so far. So I think I was going to pursue it no matter how wrong she was for me. The other thing is...I was bored which leads me to my next point...

I knew it wouldn't have lasted. I know that once the lies were admitted to (or even if they were true), we probably would not have lasted more than a few weeks. Then it would be me who was the one to mess her about...

I would have split her up with the bf, and i'd then have, not only her out to get me...but also the boyfriend, his (dangerous) friends, and her family (who have a criminal element).

All in all, it worked out for the best. Plus i've learned a lot of lessons that are very important & will aid me in the future. It's been a really important experience and, even though I went through 7 & 1/2 months of anxiety & then latterly pain, i'm glad it happened.

[Mustachio]

Originally Posted by greyarea

- art/anything creative: i am in school for art so this may not apply, but even for non-artists, i am a strong believer in art therapy and use it myself a lot. any time you can get caught up in expressing your emotions and feelings to create something physical and visual, which captures those emotions and stores them in a particular place and time (you look back on your art and remember making it). it really does make you feel better.

-write/talk it out: similar to making art, this gets everything out there... a purging of thought and emotion. i keep a journal, which i write in and over the past 3 months has been strictly about thoughts and feelings of her. i feel better after i write and i can go back and see how my mindset has changed on the situation. even posting here helps, though there is the argument that coming to this site can be depressing.

-be spontaneous/adventurous: addiction is almost synonymous with habit and routine. if you go to the same bars/restaurants/places you went with your ex, they're only going to remind you of them. i like to be spontaneous, maybe take a different way home from work or when you need a break, go for a bike ride, a walk, a car ride, a jog somewhere you've never been before. go eat at obscure places or hang out with different groups of friends. you need to form new memories and new habits that don't remind you of her.

try those, or your own variations of those (for example, if you're more into music or video games than art, then go out and buy a new CD or game). actually by typing all of this out as a reply, it has made me feel a little better and gain a better understanding of my own situation, hah.

so basically the spark notes are: purge your heart and head of everything about her and start to create new memories and a new future. if you're like me and feel unfulfilled with the relationship, than go out and meet new girls. not necessarily to date them but just to look forward rather than backward.

an obsessive nature often is part of who we are and can't be changed. it can be used for good, when you find someone who is just obsessed about you as you are with them. but until then, you just have to direct your desire forward and let go of the past.

Thanks, that was a great post. I want to respond to some of the things you listed in there just to put them out there.

The art thing. Well photography is one of my hobbies, but I havent really done anything with it for the last two years, maybe I will make the time to actually get out and start taking some photos again.

Writing and talking it out... no issues there, I have been on these forums almost nonstop for the last 5 or 6 weeks, writing things out, writing things out for myself, and talking to anyone and everyone I can. It does help.

Being Spontaneous, well that I have always had somewhat of a problem with. Luckily most of my habits and my life here was practically completely separate from my life with my ex, she was semi long distance and wasnt much welcome around my friends or family (nor did she really want to be around them).

I do have to disagree slightly with your last statement about using it for good to find someone who is just as obsessive about me as I would be about them. See my ex was that obsessive about me, she just didnt really know the meaning of fidelity and commitment and expressed her obsessiveness in a very needy and demanding way, which of course never allowed either of us to channel our feelings in a positive way. After speaking with atelis in another one of my threads, I think this is more an issue of codependancy, and it was unhealthy. I would rather be with someone who doesnt need me or obsess about me, but rather wants me in their life because I enrich theirs, that is the kind of person I want because having them in my life would not feel any dependancy needs but rather just enrich my life too.

I also have to say that Im not sure whether I am addicted to relationships in general or simply to my ex. But I suspect it may be a little bit of relationships and a lot of my ex. She was my first in many ways, first relationship, first physical, first 'love' so I have no experience of being in any other relationships. And after 6 and a half years, a pattern and an addicition developed and it is just hard to let go, and not necessarily let go of the relationship but also of the person.

waveseer, great list, I am well on my way to doing most of those, so i guess its just a matter of continuing what im doing and giving it the time to heal.

star, I may very well check out that book because I do need some perspective on understanding my feelings.

spawn, I am working on gaining that understanding

mrvaugh, I hink we in a very similar situation. My ex did things I never imagined I could ever put up with, yet it I did and kept going back to more. Definitely some addiction there, and boy is it hard to break because the addiction really doesnt feel like an addiction, it feels like love (not saying there is no love), and its nearly impossible to just let go of.

[Mustachio]

I have been having some interesting feelings over the last week, and Im not sure if this is normal, but I wanted to relate it here and see if anyone can offer any insights. I am still very much in need of figuring everything out, so please any help would be greatly appreciated.

Either way, over the course of the last week or two I have been making some big decisions for myself related to moving on. I went out on a date, which is pretty big for me, I made the decision to move out of my house and in with some friends which I will be doing next weekend, and today, I got a new phone and my own phone plan. The date is big for the obvious reasons, moving out is obviously big, but my ex always wanted me to move out of my house and I never did for a few reasons, scared of moving forward, and I was always sort of waiting until I was ready to move in with her. And the phone is big, always wanted a new phone, but I waited simply because it would mean switching networks to a different network than she was on, so I held off. So I am doing these things, and they are exciting, but at the same time I get quite sad because doing these things means that I am moving forward with my life and actively taking steps to move on and distance myself from my relationship with my ex. I am happy I am doing these things, but sad because of the part of me that does not want to let go, even though its for the best. Can anyone relate or offer insight?

[Hobbes]

I'm going to be moving out of here in about 3 months, so I can kinda relate. It will be weird when I am at the point of having my last look at our empty living room, where we used to sit etc and where the cats used to run around. I am not sure how I will feel but it's a necessary step, I'd move out right now if i could. Strange thing for me is that I have more chance of my ex coming back, or trying to come back to me once I have moved as this place was getting to her, something we both agreed upon, we both wanted to move out as soon as humanly possible together but her final year at college got in the way.

Sounds like you are making some good steps mustachio, it's only normal that you feel a little sad about it though I think, but you know it's for the best. The date thing is very encouraging, even if it doesn't lead to anything, it's nice to go out and meet people and offers you a different perspective on things. I can totally understand the sadness thing, will take time.

Ugh i miss those cats

[Queen!!]

Hi, I’m new to this site and I have being reading various threads but none of them has touched me like this one on addiction. Since my ex and me boyfriend broke up last Sunday I have been on an emotional roll coaster. So today after constantly worrying my family and friends I thought it would be nice if I could talk to people with mutual feelings as well as an un-bias prospective. Therefore, I began searching the web for forums such as this one. (I think I found the right site) Well I must agree with the whole addiction thing people. Simply, because that’s what it is an addiction! I say this because addictions allow us to be blind and dismiss the obvious and not being in love. I feel that we as human beings forget what an addiction encompasses. I know I did until this thread made me realize it. I’m going to explain my addiction as briefly as possible. I met this guy almost 4 years ago and we were great friends in the beginning but things began to change after a couple of months. Yes, I realized that things had changed but by then my addiction had already taken over I just didn’t know it. So I stayed and tried to make things work out because I felt it was what I needed and that was my ex. I took the emotional and mental abuse as well as the disrespect, cheating, and lying from him. Now, I’m realizing how crazy I was for staying and how I deserve better than what I accepted in that relationship. Now, don’t misunderstand me I’m still very much so in the healing phase and I have a long way to go because the problem began well before we started dating 4 years ago. However, this relationship is what made me realized something was truly wrong. Since, we broke up I have been calling, begging, and pleading my love to him just like I did when we was together and it has only made things worst. After, doing these things I feel worst and it’s because I’m addicted to being with him and feel like I can’t make it without him. But I have hope that things will get better.