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Was your ex selfish?


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If so how do you get it accross to a selfish person that their actions are/were unacceptable?

 

Although I have a PhD my ex managed to play on my feelings and manipulate me to the point where I didn't know whether I was coming or going. She knows I still love her, is seeing someone else, and wants to remain 'friends'.

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I HATE it when they say they just want to be friends! I'm too angry to hear those words from my ex. It's another selfish thing that they need, so they can clear their conscience and sleep at night I think. The best thing you can do is cut your ex off for good. It will become clear to her that she is the one who screwed up.

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If so how do you get it accross to a selfish person that their actions are/were unacceptable?

 

Although I have a PhD my ex managed to play on my feelings and manipulate me to the point where I didn't know whether I was coming or going. She knows I still love her, is seeing someone else, and wants to remain 'friends'.

 

You tell them and then you walk away from them. Selfish people have thick skulls...you can tell them that their behaviour is horrible but they deny, deny, deny, twist blame around, create a storm in a teacup in order to deflect from their wrongdoing etc. Intelligence and success has no bearing on selfish people because these people themselves have PhDs in control and manipulation. They may be dumb as posts in everything else but their claim to fame and where they excel is in control, manipulation and often emotional abuse. They prey on people who love them and people who have integrity. Those people are an easy mark for them...kind of like a person with a wallet in his back pocket is an easy mark for a thief. Unscrupulous people take advantage of those with integrity and those with a warm heart, no matter how smart they are. What you can do, however, is refuse to be friends with your ex and shut her out of your life now that she has moved on to someone else. That would allow you to take back control over your life.

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My ex was selfish.

 

Relief came when I finally realized, and let go of, wanting or trying to teach or to change his behavior in any way.

 

So that meant accepting that I had to walk away. Not to get results from him. For myself; it was the only thing to do in order to stay true to myself.

 

It's easy to get wrapped up in someone else to the point where it becomes difficult to see anymore what is them/their and what is your own.

 

Follow your own inner voice and you will be just fine. I know it's cliche. It is so true though. Sometimes in order to hear it correctly; you need to move away from and not have to wrestle with the outside noise of someone else for a while. And sometimes once you've done that you realize their voice is totally incongruous with what you want in your life.

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My god this is SO TRUE. I will say this though my ex is very clever but has dumbed herself down to fit in. Us not working/and not getting back together was down to her pretty much alone. The way she is doing in the current relationship is following the same pattern ours did. I did very little wrong, I loved her unconditionally. She is a selfish liar who is unhappy with her own life. She probably (almost certainly) wants both me and him in her life. She treats those close to her like crap and they put up with it. At some point in her life this will all come crashing down. The more I am away from her mind games and manipulation the more I see her for what and who she is (and where I have gone wrong). None of this means I don't care for her and love her but there are limits to the extent selfish behaviour will be tolerated.

 

I have known many men and women put up with all sorts of crap over the years perhaps for fear of being alone or low self-esteem. This is not a recipe for happiness or for a balanced relationship.

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Your right. In order to think clearly and prioritise yourself you must get rid of the outside (background) noise of the selfish ex. Otherwise they will take, take, take and give little or nothing in return with no personal cost to themsleves. My ex was always up front about her personality traits (lying, selfishness and potential for infidelity) but these were not issues that manifested themsleves until I stopped being myself and became a doormat after losing my job and having to move back to our village and live with my mother. I am much more of myself now.

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The whole "actions count more than words" thing goes both ways - it applies to the dumper (who says all the right things but basically doesn't give a crap about you)...but it also applies to the dumpee.

 

What I mean is if you tell someone they are selfish they can't hear you. Your continuing a relationship with them, on the other hand, validates their perception that their behaviour is acceptable, they aren't selfish, they are caring people...otherwise why would you hang around?

 

When you walk away...then they hear you...actions speak louder than words.

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The whole "actions count more than words" thing goes both ways - it applies to the dumper (who says all the right things but basically doesn't give a crap about you)...but it also applies to the dumpee.

 

What I mean is if you tell someone they are selfish they can't hear you. Your continuing a relationship with them, on the other hand, validates their perception that their behaviour is acceptable, they aren't selfish, they are caring people...otherwise why would you hang around?

 

When you walk away...then they hear you...actions speak louder than words.

 

This is also true and I'm glad I've learned to walk away. I have a gut instinct that not only will she get back in touch but that she might also want to get back into my life. She has admitted I am the best looking person she has ever gone out with, still 'loves me as a person' and we still get on like a house on fire despite saying 'we're worlds apart'. Fool of a woman.

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I agree with everything that has been said before.

 

People who are truly selfish will never learn! You cannot let them know because as was said, they will twist it around and call you selfish for trying to hurt them by calling them selfish.

 

Quick story about my ex. She cheated on me, pulled me back in numerous times, didnt do very much to right her wrongs, then became extremely needy of me and my time to the point where I began to pull away from everyone else in my life. At one point I accused her of being selfish, the most admittance I got was her telling me that yes she was selfish in this relationship because of me, either because I was wrong for her or because I was not meeting her needs. Exactly, not meeting her selfish needs, and therefore somehow her selfishness was only caused by me, not her. Give me a break.

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In a word YES she was selfish but she wasn't always that way.

Having a PHd means nothing when it comes to emotions. brillant to simple minded people have all felt as you do. It happens to all of us.

 

Do what is best for you right now. You must accept the current situation and decide what will be the easiest on you and then do it. Could you be friends? Perhaps someday but not now. You are being used. Is that what you want? If not, take the steps to move away from this situation and take control back of your life.

 

Good luck

Lost

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In a word YES she was selfish but she wasn't always that way.

Having a PHd means nothing when it comes to emotions. brillant to simple minded people have all felt as you do. It happens to all of us.

 

Do what is best for you right now. You must accept the current situation and decide what will be the easiest on you and then do it. Could you be friends? Perhaps someday but not now. You are being used. Is that what you want? If not, take the steps to move away from this situation and take control back of your life.

 

Good luck

Lost

 

I am and your right. I was with a friend of mine and I cried last night for the first time since April (on that occasion my ex had argued with her bf, rang me upset told me the story I said I wish I was there to give you a hug, she said I wish you were here to followed by 'We should be together, shouldn't we?'; for her to say 'I know but I don't know whether I can cope with your lifestyle'). I cried for a few minutes out of frustration. Last night was not about her though, just about my life in general and the difficulties I am having plus I rekindled memories of my grandmother and uncle who have passed away and got emotional. Then I argued with my mother about all this and said I am done with her. Strangely I feel much better today and am glad to have got some of this out of my system. Moreover, I recognise that it is my ex who messed things up and with the help of people on ENA and Loveshack I am starting to view thing differently.

 

1. For a start if their relationship is so good why does she want me 'as a friend'?

2. If she had no feelings for me then this would simply be about her bf and her. I should not be in her thoughts.

3. As far as I know he has no knowledge of me but has tried to keep me as a backup. Since May when we had been sleeping together, by and large, she has been the one who has made moves towards me. I got out of it.

 

She says she is in love and never expected this, still wants me 'as a friend', but looks rather like the cat who ate the cream rather than someone who's in love. She has to lie about her movement, whereabouts, who she sees and who he says she can or cannot see. Never was I controlling. Did I trust her, yes, because I do not want to chain someone and I am a free spirit (not that I ever would or did cheat). We talked about everything and had few secrets. I never kept anything back and I don't think either did she.

 

They have argued on a regular basis from get go. He gives her the silent treatment then get's in touch as if nothing has happened. She deletes his number and goes NC on him. We were NEVER like this.

 

She says she is bored and fed up and yet 'I enjoy my life'. What's wrong with this picture?

 

IMO she has things going on she needs to work through.

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Use the education that you've invested in and tell her in a most classic way that you are walking away fom her.

 

In a number of instances where I have walked she has succeeded in offering me breadcrumbs which I interpreted as glimmers of hope. I now see them as breadcrumbs, realise the extent to which I was being used and the extent to which she simply wanted my company/time/attention (with occassional sex and sexual advances) to keep me interested.

 

Incidentally, to the stuff I was saying in #12, is that when she said she was 'in love' her reason was 'I'm just getting older' - she is 45 on Monday.

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In my book, 'friends' means, I want you to stick around to adore me while I explore my options with someone else, and I want you to be a good sport about it.

 

It's a doormat position, and it won't attract her back.

 

I'd tell her, "I love you, and I can't be your friend right now. If you ever ditch the new guy and want to contact me, I'll have coffee with you to catch up if I'm still available."

 

Then walk away with your head high. Letting her miss you is your only real shot, and this way you can start healing instead of getting your heart ripped open on a regular basis.

 

In your corner.

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She is going to be 45! Don't count on her ever changing...for some people even the biggest tragedies in their life don't result in epiphanies. She will do to this guy what she did to you..then she will do it to the next guy and the next guy. At 80 years old she will still be behaving in the same way.

 

Maybe but I think she knows where this is all going. She has said a number of times "I think I'm going to end up alone". She just texted me a joke. The first contact for a month. She also walked the dog past my house yesterday. It is her birthday on Monday. Knowing her I would expect a 'how are you doing text' or call at some point soon. Days gone by I would have jumped at this. Now, nothing. I am not a piece of garbage. I am a 36 year old good looking dr with a personality.

 

I love you but you have used me and you are with someone else you supposedly love. Realise what you've lost.

 

Sorry for the soliloquy.

 

BTW she has already cheated on the new guy with me about 8 times. I got myself out of it. Her plusses greatly outweigh her negatives but her behaviour, and particularly her behaviour towards me, is just not on.

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The more you descibe this the more it sounds like the classic "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" or Spouse Syndrome to be more correct.

This is a very selfish person to her very core and believes you and possibly everyone else in her life is there to serve her happiness.

Time to get her off the pedestal and see her for what she really is. Our love blinds us to what others see so clearly. Look through the cloudyness and right down the facts that you do know for sure. Set them aside and read them the next day. The decide is this what I want in my life?

 

best wishes

Lost

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The more you descibe this the more it sounds like the classic "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" or Spouse Syndrome to be more correct.

This is a very selfish person to her very core and believes you and possibly everyone else in her life is there to serve her happiness.

Time to get her off the pedestal and see her for what she really is. Our love blinds us to what others see so clearly. Look through the cloudyness and right down the facts that you do know for sure. Set them aside and read them the next day. The decide is this what I want in my life?

 

best wishes

Lost

 

I would not argue with you. She is selfish but for a long time also a wonderful gf and can also be a lovely, generous and caring person. Like a lot of us, me very much included, we are a mish mash of good and bad. I can be moody and difficult to be around. I was arrogant and judgemental at the same time as putting others ahead of me and being kind and romantic.

 

BTW just before that text I again got into the mindset 'I'm not oing to hear from her again'. I had just booked my flight to Rome for a December conference but had put this off till now because in my mind I wanted her to come with me. I had asked her a number of times...

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Mine pulled the "Why can't we be friends" recently after 13 months since our breakup and 6 months of being with the new boyfriend (my manager). I told her friends talk on a daily/weekly basis. Friends hangout. Her and I havn't hungout since the end of last year and a few times back in May. But that was behind her new boyfriends back. I finally told her that we can not be friends and that if she loved me, she would delete my number, do not call me at work, and if she happens to get me at work to hang up on me. I want nothing to do with her. That I need to fully move on 100%. She replied with Idid nothing wrong. I don't understand why you feel like this all of a sudden. She completely F'ed me over by dating my manager after the relationship and I had to deal with going to work and seeing him every day. It is sooo tuff not to go up to him and knock him out but I got to be the bigger person and look past all that and relaize that someone out there will treat me alot better than she has in the past.

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We are all selfish in one way or the other.....being selfish doesn't make you bad or good.

 

When the result of it is bad or worse for the people impacted by it, then only you become this evil person.

 

In my case my ex was selfish, but am happy she didn't waste my time anymore in the relationship.

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Her plusses greatly outweigh her negatives

 

You've gotta be joking. She's already cheating on the new fella?

 

Look, at the end of the day, from a relational point of view, a person is only a person insofar as you can experience them. We are all stuck inside our heads, and that's as it should be.

 

They can have great qualities, but in a relationship, if those great qualities are all directed elsewhere, well, ya know..they aren't that great. How you feel is valid, its your reality, don't go thinking "oh, she's pretty, she's exciting, she's this, she's that.." She is making YOUR life bad, so she isn't good for YOU.

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Her plusses greatly outweigh her negatives

 

You've gotta be joking. She's already cheating on the new fella?

 

Look, at the end of the day, from a relational point of view, a person is only a person insofar as you can experience them. We are all stuck inside our heads, and that's as it should be.

 

They can have great qualities, but in a relationship, if those great qualities are all directed elsewhere, well, ya know..they aren't that great. How you feel is valid, its your reality, don't go thinking "oh, she's pretty, she's exciting, she's this, she's that.." She is making YOUR life bad, so she isn't good for YOU.

 

I take your point but she isn't making my life bad because I've chosen (twice) to step away. I have nothing to do with her. One thing that is sinking in though is that my ex is messed up, has low self-esteem and couldn't deal with someone who treats her well without walking all over them. My biggest mistake, I stopped standing up to her. Her biggest mistake, letting me go.

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My ex and I were both selfish. He was cold, emotionally abusive, and prompted me to feel bad for wanting even an hour of his time a week. He talked down to me like I was a child, insulted my background and preferences, and thought anything requiring effort was too much pressure.

 

On the other hand, I often relied exclusively on him to vent about my family. This went on for at least a few months until I realized what I was doing. He also relied on me to live up to the image he had for me and to accompany him to all the movies he wanted to see whether or not I liked them.

 

We both expected each other to be more perfect than was possible, so for that we were both selfish. Me, because I expected him to be the perfect, supporting partner. Him, because he refused to put in any effort, yet expected me to do whatever he wanted and live up to his image of me.

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