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  1. #1
    Bronze Member Leveller's Avatar
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    Was your ex selfish?

    If so how do you get it across to a selfish person that their actions are/were unacceptable?

    Although I have a PhD my ex managed to play on my feelings and manipulate me to the point where I didn't know whether I was coming or going. She knows I still love her, is seeing someone else, and wants to remain 'friends'.

  2. #2
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    I HATE it when they say they just want to be friends! I'm too angry to hear those words from my ex. It's another selfish thing that they need, so they can clear their conscience and sleep at night I think. The best thing you can do is cut your ex off for good. It will become clear to her that she is the one who screwed up.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leveller View Post
    If so how do you get it across to a selfish person that their actions are/were unacceptable?

    Although I have a PhD my ex managed to play on my feelings and manipulate me to the point where I didn't know whether I was coming or going. She knows I still love her, is seeing someone else, and wants to remain 'friends'.
    You tell them and then you walk away from them. Selfish people have thick skulls...you can tell them that their behaviour is horrible but they deny, deny, deny, twist blame around, create a storm in a teacup in order to deflect from their wrongdoing etc. Intelligence and success has no bearing on selfish people because these people themselves have PhDs in control and manipulation. They may be dumb as posts in everything else but their claim to fame and where they excel is in control, manipulation and often emotional abuse. They prey on people who love them and people who have integrity. Those people are an easy mark for them...kind of like a person with a wallet in his back pocket is an easy mark for a thief. Unscrupulous people take advantage of those with integrity and those with a warm heart, no matter how smart they are. What you can do, however, is refuse to be friends with your ex and shut her out of your life now that she has moved on to someone else. That would allow you to take back control over your life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    My ex was selfish.

    Relief came when I finally realized, and let go of, wanting or trying to teach or to change his behavior in any way.

    So that meant accepting that I had to walk away. Not to get results from him. For myself; it was the only thing to do in order to stay true to myself.

    It's easy to get wrapped up in someone else to the point where it becomes difficult to see anymore what is them/their and what is your own.

    Follow your own inner voice and you will be just fine. I know it's cliche. It is so true though. Sometimes in order to hear it correctly; you need to move away from and not have to wrestle with the outside noise of someone else for a while. And sometimes once you've done that you realize their voice is totally incongruous with what you want in your life.
    Every moment is a choice.

    Red pants make you play faster.

    "if you are looking for substance, you have to be of substance yourself. " - happybear

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Leveller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs View Post
    You tell them and then you walk away from them. Selfish people have thick skulls...you can tell them that their behaviour is horrible but they deny, deny, deny, twist blame around, create a storm in a teacup in order to deflect from their wrongdoing etc. Intelligence and success has no bearing on selfish people because these people themselves have PhDs in control and manipulation. They may be dumb as posts in everything else but their claim to fame and where they excel is in control, manipulation and often emotional abuse. They prey on people who love them and people who have integrity. Those people are an easy mark for them...kind of like a person with a wallet in his back pocket is an easy mark for a thief. Unscrupulous people take advantage of those with integrity and those with a warm heart, no matter how smart they are. What you can do, however, is refuse to be friends with your ex and shut her out of your life now that she has moved on to someone else. That would allow you to take back control over your life.
    My god this is SO TRUE. I will say this though my ex is very clever but has dumbed herself down to fit in. Us not working/and not getting back together was down to her pretty much alone. The way she is doing in the current relationship is following the same pattern ours did. I did very little wrong, I loved her unconditionally. She is a selfish liar who is unhappy with her own life. She probably (almost certainly) wants both me and him in her life. She treats those close to her like crap and they put up with it. At some point in her life this will all come crashing down. The more I am away from her mind games and manipulation the more I see her for what and who she is (and where I have gone wrong). None of this means I don't care for her and love her but there are limits to the extent selfish behaviour will be tolerated.

    I have known many men and women put up with all sorts of crap over the years perhaps for fear of being alone or low self-esteem. This is not a recipe for happiness or for a balanced relationship.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Leveller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by itsallgrand View Post
    My ex was selfish.

    Relief came when I finally realized, and let go of, wanting or trying to teach or to change his behavior in any way.

    So that meant accepting that I had to walk away. Not to get results from him. For myself; it was the only thing to do in order to stay true to myself.

    It's easy to get wrapped up in someone else to the point where it becomes difficult to see anymore what is them/their and what is your own.

    Follow your own inner voice and you will be just fine. I know it's cliche. It is so true though. Sometimes in order to hear it correctly; you need to move away from and not have to wrestle with the outside noise of someone else for a while. And sometimes once you've done that you realize their voice is totally incongruous with what you want in your life.
    Your right. In order to think clearly and prioritise yourself you must get rid of the outside (background) noise of the selfish ex. Otherwise they will take, take, take and give little or nothing in return with no personal cost to themsleves. My ex was always up front about her personality traits (lying, selfishness and potential for infidelity) but these were not issues that manifested themsleves until I stopped being myself and became a doormat after losing my job and having to move back to our village and live with my mother. I am much more of myself now.

  8. #7
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    The whole "actions count more than words" thing goes both ways - it applies to the dumper (who says all the right things but basically doesn't give a crap about you)...but it also applies to the dumpee.

    What I mean is if you tell someone they are selfish they can't hear you. Your continuing a relationship with them, on the other hand, validates their perception that their behaviour is acceptable, they aren't selfish, they are caring people...otherwise why would you hang around?

    When you walk away...then they hear you...actions speak louder than words.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member Leveller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by badhabits View Post
    The whole "actions count more than words" thing goes both ways - it applies to the dumper (who says all the right things but basically doesn't give a crap about you)...but it also applies to the dumpee.

    What I mean is if you tell someone they are selfish they can't hear you. Your continuing a relationship with them, on the other hand, validates their perception that their behaviour is acceptable, they aren't selfish, they are caring people...otherwise why would you hang around?

    When you walk away...then they hear you...actions speak louder than words.
    This is also true and I'm glad I've learned to walk away. I have a gut instinct that not only will she get back in touch but that she might also want to get back into my life. She has admitted I am the best looking person she has ever gone out with, still 'loves me as a person' and we still get on like a house on fire despite saying 'we're worlds apart'. Fool of a woman.

  10. #9
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    If she knows you mean business she'll stay away.

    Just block her entirely. Block her number and her emails - the lot.

    That says you mean business.

  11. #10
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    I agree with everything that has been said before.

    People who are truly selfish will never learn! You cannot let them know because as was said, they will twist it around and call you selfish for trying to hurt them by calling them selfish.

    Quick story about my ex. She cheated on me, pulled me back in numerous times, didnt do very much to right her wrongs, then became extremely needy of me and my time to the point where I began to pull away from everyone else in my life. At one point I accused her of being selfish, the most admittance I got was her telling me that yes she was selfish in this relationship because of me, either because I was wrong for her or because I was not meeting her needs. Exactly, not meeting her selfish needs, and therefore somehow her selfishness was only caused by me, not her. Give me a break.

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