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Having sex with husband after he cheated


Ouzo

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After being married for 22 years and in a pretty good (or so I thought) marriage, I found out that while I was away on a trip, my husband had a one night stand with a girl he met at a bar. She gave him her phone number and after he got home he called her and asked her over. I only found out because there was a used condom on the floor by his night table. The 2 things I feel most hurt about is that he actually went home without her and then called her to come over. That means he really thought about what he was doing and had time to back out but didn't. (of course his excuse was he was so drunk) The other thing I have a hard time with is when I told him he really must have thought about doing it if he went to get condoms he said she the condom. So I said, I guess that means you would have been willing to have unprotected sex with this stranger, and he didn't answer. I equate that with having no respect for me and my health.

It's been 7 weeks and I am trying to get through this to reconcile my marriage. I don't know if I am over reacting about this being it was one time and he is trying really hard (going to counselling and reading all these books and constantly talking about how he is feeling). I am having a really hard time even after 7 weeks to even want to think about having sex with him again. He says he's really hurt by the fact that I can't show affection (hugging or kissing). I don't know what to do about that. After 7 weeks, would a normal person be ready for sex with their cheating spouse? I definitely do not feel normal, feel very insecure, and angry. And his pressure to show affection is not helping. He feels that if I can't show him affection and have it mean something to me, by now, I must not want to be with him anymore.

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It's a lot to get over, putting a time limit is like me saying "how long is a piece of string"

Though in your husband's place - he's done wrong, I (presume) he's grovelled, and seven weeks is a long time to wait for him. For any guy.

 

No affection at all for 7 weeks? Imagine if you wanted a kiss but for seven weeks he backed away ---- naturally he's going to start thinking "she's never going to get over this" or like you said.,.. "you don't want to be with him anymore".

 

Real question here is... do you?

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Tell him that the timetable isn't up to him, that you have to work through your feelings and that it will take as long as it will take. Emphasise that it isn't a punishment, and that you are doing your best to get past what he did, but it is going to take time, and he needs to be patient. The situation is of his making, so now he needs to learn to live with it for the time being.

 

That's what you tell him. Meanwhile, you need to ask yourself seriously what's going on with you, and what you are capable of. It does take time to get over infidelity, and some people never manage it at all, but at the same time, giving him no affection of any sort for months at a time is placing a huge strain on a fragile relationship, and no matter how hard he tries (and you say he is trying hard), there is a very real limit to how much of that he is going to be able to take (you should not acknowledge this to him yet, however, because that will simply fuel his impatience). Are you in counselling yourself? If not, you should seriously consider going. The sooner you can make a conscious decision to get past the anger you feel towards him, and offer him the chance to actually make you feel better about what's happened and reconcile between you (forgive, in other words; you won't forget and that's fine), the better it will be for both of you. It's okay that you're not there yet, as long as you realise that the present condition is bad for the relationship and needs to be moved past as soon as possible.

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Well I thought about what you wrote and while I have never personally been in your shoes I think it would take me many months or possibly a year to get over something like that if I ever did. My first thought is that I would definitely ask for space... either he move into another bedroom or move out so that I felt less pressure from him.

 

I find sexual cheating to be a deal buster in my book but lots of marriages get through it and some become stronger... I just don't know that I'm the type of person who could sort through that severe sever in trust. I am sure you have questioned yourself on how you will feel - nervous or panicky if you have to leave him home alone again... I know I would and I just wouldn't want that on my shoulders.

 

He is pushing you to show affection and be sexual because in his mind if you are then you have forgiven him and life can go on as before... the problem has been swept under the rug. What he refuses to acknowledge is that this one act will have consequences for the both of you for a long time to come.

 

This is a very huge strain on a relationship... I wish you the best to sort through it.

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He cheated on you.

It shouldn't matter if it's taking you 7 weeks.. or even a year to get comfortable with him again.

 

You take your time! He should feel worried.

 

Yes going out isn't a problem...

Taking a girls number IS a problem..

Going home alone is a good thing...

Ringing her up and inviting her over.. without thinking about protection.. or you..

He then had sex with her..

left evidence of it on the floor..

and now after 7 weeks thinks its time to get over it?

 

Plus.. Trust is a hard thing to get back. Are you ever going to be able to leave him alone again without worrying he's bringing home some other woman? sleeping with her in YOUR marriage bed.

Your a better person than I am.

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If you hadn't found the condom would he have told you?...

 

 

After doing such a horrible thing, do you really believe this is the first time? Maybe he was just more careful the other times.

 

 

Do not feel bad. Take all the time you need. It's understandable if you can't get over this, then again it's understandable if it takes you upwards of a year... He created this problem, he shattered your trust and dis-respected you and your marriage in one of the worst ways. If he's really sorry, if he's really going to change then time is no issue. If he loves you he will wait as long as it takes and put in the hard yards.

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I know how you feel. I think he is pretty .... lucky you didn't leave him. I wouldn't ever be able to trust someone let alone be able to forget the deception that went on. I am really sorry about all of this. When someone is cheated on, they have the right to take as long as they well please to put things into perspective. And you have the right to file for "unreconcilable differences" if you so choose.

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That means he really thought about what he was doing and had time to back out but didn't. (of course his excuse was he was so drunk) The other thing I have a hard time with is when I told him he really must have thought about doing it if he went to get condoms he said she the condom. So I said, I guess that means you would have been willing to have unprotected sex with this stranger, and he didn't answer.

 

In what you wrote above, I don't see him REALLY taking responsibility and showing remorse for what he did. I am also highly suspcious that this was not his first indiscretion. Then he gets upset at you for not showing affection within 7 weeks...after you found out that he had sex with another woman in your own home, possibly in your own bed! I would feel repulsed enough not to want to kiss a partner who did that to me. It would take me a lot longer than 7 weeks to want to touch a man who did that to me.

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Sorry to say this, but there is NO WAY this was the only time he's ever done this. Just not possible. The boldness and balls required to invite a strange woman over to have sex on your bed is WELL BEYOND the limits of a one night stand.

 

You may simply never get over this- and that's ok. It is not your fault, and you should not feel pressured to "get over it." Broken trust is hard to recover, and many times it never is.

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He is the one who messed up. He should be grateful that he is even getting another chance. I think it's disgusting how he is moaning about the state of the relationship at the moment. If he wants to stay with you he should be prepared for things to move at your pace and not his.

 

Amen to this! If it were me, I would have packed his bags and shown him the door.

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Sorry to say this, but there is NO WAY this was the only time he's ever done this. Just not possible. The boldness and balls required to invite a strange woman over to have sex on your bed is WELL BEYOND the limits of a one night stand.

 

I agree, I'm sure he's done that before. Bringing a first ever one night stand to your home and leave a condom next to bed? Are you serious? He should be mentally challenged in this case.

 

I've been cheated on. After seven weeks, I was still thinking about it every day tears in my eyes.

 

First step to recovery: honesty, with each other and with yourself.

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A couple of reactions.

 

Firstly, considering the circumstances, I HIGHLY doubt that this is the one and only time he has cheated on you. For one thing, you only know about this occasion because you found evidence. He didn't tell you - he was caught. He was caught because you stumbled accross the evidence. What are the odds, to your mind, that he was caught - instantly - the one time he cheated? Isn't it not only possible, but likely, that there were other times and other women - encounters for which there was no evidence (or whose evidence you missed, trusting him as you did)? Certainly you cannot believe HIM when he says the incident was an isolated one; he has both a vested interest and a steep loss in credibility. The other point to note is how casually done this all was; is that really the mark of a previously committed man with no experience doing this sort of thing? It all seems a little too relaxed - a little too easy and practiced - for my liking. It simply doesn't strike me as a one-off; it's too considered. I'm not seeing remorse in his actions either - or a man shocked at his drunken antics. I'm seeing a man who is unsurprised, and is doing his penance - knowing he's lucky to have even this chance.

 

I'd consider how you would feel to discover this was not an isolated incident.

 

Secondly, I applaud the efforts you have made thus far (an accolade that assumes staying with him is what you truly want, when all is said and done). Go ahead and toss out any feeling you harbor of having to rush this process for his sake. He doesn't have the right to convenience, surety, and affection right now; not because he's being punished, but because his actions have had consequences upon you, and some of that - some TINY fraction of your pain - will now necessarily affect him. That's natural. Don't tweak your own natural healing process to shield him from that; if you do, you're playing into his efforts to make even this about him. It was all about him when he betrayed you, and now - in the aftermath - it's all about him even as you (try to) heal. Take what time you need and move at your own pace. Keep the lines of communication open, but don't acquiesce to his competing needs on this; he forfeited the right to ask for sacrifice when he was so unwilling to offer you even base-line respect and loyalty. It's about you now, and he can darn well wait.

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I appreciate everyone's replies. Lots of things to think about and consider, including the fact that this may not have been the first time. I will never know that, unless he chooses to tell me but since he didn't tell me about the only time I know about, he could have been doing this all along. He says he's really working on telling me the truth about everything, which is sometimes harder than we think.

I reread what I wrote and realized I said I haven't given him affection. But I have. I hug him, hold his hand, kiss him when he comes home or leaves for work like before. He just feels bad because he doesn't feel the same response when I do these things as he got before. In other words, I am making a conscious effort to do these things, but I am not doing it because I am feeling affectionate towards him.

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he screwed up...he doesn't get to call the shots, YOU do. I agree with the others, there is no time limit on when or if you will get over this and show affection toward him. What the hell does he expect?

 

I am so sorry for you. I know how badly it hurts. I've been in your shoes and it really does suck.

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Let it go OR get seperated

 

that's it

 

holding it over his head forever is going to destroy both of you.

 

You are taking this WAY TOO HARD IMO. I understand as my wife has had an affair AND cheated on me with a one time stand.

 

The road you are going down is the same I did after I found out my wife had a full on affair....you are walking down a disaster that WILL NEVER END. You will relive this day after day and month after month. You will make cheap remarks if he's going out with the guys 'don't cheat' you'll say with a smile, but it'll be in your head FOREVER.

 

I don't know how you let that go....but you have to YOU HAVE TO...he doesn't.

 

keep this up and you'll spend the rest of your days on this planet ticked off at one another...you'll go on a up and down ride of a marriage the rest of your days.

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As a guy, I'm going to advise you to hold his feet to the fire. If you seem like a pushover, he will do this again. Don't let him easily get away with this.

 

Also, being drunk is a cheap excuse... you need to find out the real reason he did this! Don't accept some bullcrap answer.

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Ouzo -

I strongly suspect as well that this is not the first time he has cheated. I highly doubt his first time cheating would be in your home. It just doesn't add up to me. I am almost wondering if this isn't someone he's had over to your house before, or if it isn't someone with whom he has been with repeatedly.

 

Let's think about this step by step - first off, he's drunk enough that he is "not in his right mind" - but he can still perform physically during sex, and even before that, provide directions to this other woman who's supposedly never been to your home..?!

 

It just doesn't add up to me at all and there implies a certain "comfort level" with this other woman which makes me suspect that he is having an all-out affair with someone.

 

That being said - I'm impressed that you are making the effort to show him some physical affection, but until he stops making lame excuses like "I was drunk" and starts getting to the truth, and to your pain, how is the hurt going to go away for you? If he doesn't get real, you will never be able to believe that he is TRULY SORRY for what he did.

 

I think the reason he is rushing you to physical affection is that he will feel "forgiven." Remember that men often equate sex with love - so for him, giving yourself to him freely may indicate to him that he has been fully absolved of guilt.

 

Unlike most people here I do not believe infidelity is an automatic dealbreaker, especially when a lot of time has been invested or if there are kids involved. But I think you need to seriously get yourself to counseling, alone or with him, to sort this whole thing out in your own mind.

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Let it go OR get seperated

 

that's it

 

holding it over his head forever is going to destroy both of you.

 

 

This is very true. I've been in a similar situation where my trust was completely distroyed and I was so angry that I held it over his head. No efforts he made were good enough. With the objectivity of hindsight his efforts really weren't good enough, but my reaction to his half-hearted efforts are not something I am proud of.

If you think he is worth it, forgive him. We are all human, no one is perfect. It will take time, work and lots of kindness. Make a decision and stick to it. If you believe it will happen again and he isn't being completely honest, leave.

 

If you stay or leave you can't harbour anger. It will just eat you alive.

The way I look at my experience is that he taught me how to forgive, it made me a better person.

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You might consider going to marriage counseling about this to see about salvaging the marriage, if salvaging the marriage is what you desire. I think that your husband might be seeing some of the gravity of the consequence of his infidelity by the fact that you are having trouble getting intimate with him.

 

That's the thing about infidelity, is it's a direct attack on intimacy. Intimacy is tied into trust and when that trust is undermined it makes it difficult to be as intimate as before. It really takes a lot of healing, forgiving, and a rebuilding of trust on the part of the person who strayed.

 

You might consider marriage counseling on this. Definantly don't use the withold of sex to hang it over his head, but do communicate that it's going to take time to rebuild that trust and the relationship and you have to be assured that it will never happen again.

 

I can understand not wanting to be intimate for awhile, but my point is, don't use it as a form of punishment. Keep everything 'in the light' communication-wise and be direct about how you are feeling and where you stand.

 

I would suggest bringing a 3rd party in this situation in the form of marriage counselor to see if you can salvage this marriage, if you feel that you want to continue this marriage.

 

There is NO EXCUSE for infidelity, but it's usually the 'fruit' of the 'root' of some large issues in a person, marriage or relationship. By going to a marriage counselor it will help to uncover a lot of issues and probably also help to determine how commited your husband is to being faithful and working on healing your marriage.

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