Broken relationship with an alcoholic

ingie · 10-13-2009, 06:10 PM

I'm just 16 days out of a 10-1/2 year relationship with a man who is an alcoholic, but who was dry for many of those years. He had been a friend and neighbor for 25 years before we got involved, which was after both of us had gotten divorced. He got divorced first and shortly after that, his 19 year old son committed suicide - he came home from work one day to find him shot in the head in the back yard. As this man's friend, I stood by him as best I could, being still married and all, offering whatever support and comfort I could give.

Five years later, after my ex and I split up, he was the "good neighbor", helping me with whatever I asked for help with. Within a few months, we "discovered" each other and the friendship blossomed in more. Although it was always on his terms, I went out of my way to treat him good and to make him happy because I felt he so deserved it since he had been through so much. Vowing never to hurt him, his needs always came before mine. Things were good - but now I realize, sick.

Everything had to be what he wanted and how he wanted. I allowed myself to give up just about everything in my life to include my friends, my adult kids for awhile, and focused on him and "us". After about 6 or 7 years, he began criticizing me for the most inane things - it seemed like nothing I said or did was right in his eyes. The constant nit picking about the stupidest things that were of such insignificance wore thin.

Along with the other changes that were happening in his behavior came the changes in what we did, where we went, how often we got together, etc. The last year or so we spent very little time together and when we did, it was always all about him. Conversation centered around him and what he was doing or small talk about things that had more to do with him than with anything else.

Not wanting to let go of what we had had together, and loving him with my heart and soul, plus that darn commitment I had made to him, things slid even further. While I had wanted to talk to him about what was going on, the opportunity never came up because he wouldn't let it.

Then a couple of weeks ago I caught him with another woman, which he knew would nail the door shut because that's the reason my ex and I split up.

Now I'm left with all this pain and agony over losing not only the love of my life but a 35 year friendship, my companion, and my BEST friend. I rebuilt my life after my divorce around him and the things we liked to do together - camping, fishing, his hunting, motorcycling, enjoying nature, on and on and on. We were completely compatible in the things we liked to do.

I just don't understand how he could do to me what he did knowing it was the very same thing my ex did and that he helped me rebuild a life after. Even though he has said he still has feelings for me, he hasn't said he's sorry for what he did - he said he didn't mean to hurt me, but no apology.

I need some insight so I can figure this all out in order to get through this...

TBE_1989 · 10-13-2009, 08:19 PM

I am deeply sorry to hear about your situation.

Your ex needs professional help. Is he seeing a counsellor, or attending something like Alcoholics Anonymous? The combination of losing a child to suicide and being an alcoholic is a truly hellish one, and while this does not excuse him treating you the way he did, it is obviously indicative of a hugely tragic situation and a disturbed, distraught individual.

Before having any more contact with him, I would advise you to look into how he plans on dealing with his addiction and if he is serious about getting better. You can tell a lot about a person from how they acknowledge addiction and dependence. Is he going to face the music and work at rebuilding his life, or is he going to continue to use his tragic loss and addiction as a basis for behaving completely selfishly?

In most situations, I advise people who have been cheated on to dump the person who was unfaithful and move on. However - while it is not an EXCUSE - I do know how alcoholism can transform a decent person into someone selfish, confused, neurotic. I know how recovery and sobriety can transform a once addict into someone committed, clear-headed and positive. If he is serious about getting better, things in general could get better, and perhaps, just perhaps, this could work.

I wish you all the best.

And on a side note - maybe rewrite your post with paragraphs and spacing, people will find it easier to read that way

ingie · 10-14-2009, 06:00 AM

He's not in counselling - and probably will never be. He's too macho to recognize that he needs help much less seek it out. The only "help" he got through his son's suicide was what I gave him, both at the time, and a few years later when we were together in the relationship.

He's repeating the same behavior as he has before. His 29 year marriage broke up due to his alcoholism. He then went into a rather long-term (3-4 year) relationship with an alcoholic woman. When he sobered up, due to health problems, he realized that relationship was no longer working. Then he got into the relationship with me, which was one based on sobriety and friendship. Now he's returned to alcoholism and I'm out of the picture. See the pattern?

It's craziness. But I now realize, too, that I enabled him. I allowed him to control the relationship. I allowed him to completely take over my life in every aspect because I wanted so badly what we had. He worked his magic on me by being charming, funny, loving, and at the same time, everything was always on his terms.

So much discovery in hindsight, so little recognition and realization as it was happening. And, now, so much pain as the result.

Trying to work through all the grief and sadness over what once was, how good it might have been if he had only left the two mistresses (one liquid, the other a warm body) out of the picture. The man is/was the love of my life. And there is the other BIG aspect in that he was my friend for 35 years. That it in itself is a huge thing to grieve over.

Add to all that the anger over his betrayal and everything that goes with that kind of situation. Plus it brings back all the pain from my ex-husband having done the very same thing. I know I contributed to the repeated experience and need to change. I'm just not sure how.

10-13-2009, 06:10 PM	#1
ingie Offline Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Midwest Gender: Female Age: 58 Posts: 2	Broken relationship with an alcoholic I'm just 16 days out of a 10-1/2 year relationship with a man who is an alcoholic, but who was dry for many of those years. He had been a friend and neighbor for 25 years before we got involved, which was after both of us had gotten divorced. He got divorced first and shortly after that, his 19 year old son committed suicide - he came home from work one day to find him shot in the head in the back yard. As this man's friend, I stood by him as best I could, being still married and all, offering whatever support and comfort I could give. Five years later, after my ex and I split up, he was the "good neighbor", helping me with whatever I asked for help with. Within a few months, we "discovered" each other and the friendship blossomed in more. Although it was always on his terms, I went out of my way to treat him good and to make him happy because I felt he so deserved it since he had been through so much. Vowing never to hurt him, his needs always came before mine. Things were good - but now I realize, sick. Everything had to be what he wanted and how he wanted. I allowed myself to give up just about everything in my life to include my friends, my adult kids for awhile, and focused on him and "us". After about 6 or 7 years, he began criticizing me for the most inane things - it seemed like nothing I said or did was right in his eyes. The constant nit picking about the stupidest things that were of such insignificance wore thin. Along with the other changes that were happening in his behavior came the changes in what we did, where we went, how often we got together, etc. The last year or so we spent very little time together and when we did, it was always all about him. Conversation centered around him and what he was doing or small talk about things that had more to do with him than with anything else. Not wanting to let go of what we had had together, and loving him with my heart and soul, plus that darn commitment I had made to him, things slid even further. While I had wanted to talk to him about what was going on, the opportunity never came up because he wouldn't let it. Then a couple of weeks ago I caught him with another woman, which he knew would nail the door shut because that's the reason my ex and I split up. Now I'm left with all this pain and agony over losing not only the love of my life but a 35 year friendship, my companion, and my BEST friend. I rebuilt my life after my divorce around him and the things we liked to do together - camping, fishing, his hunting, motorcycling, enjoying nature, on and on and on. We were completely compatible in the things we liked to do. I just don't understand how he could do to me what he did knowing it was the very same thing my ex did and that he helped me rebuild a life after. Even though he has said he still has feelings for me, he hasn't said he's sorry for what he did - he said he didn't mean to hurt me, but no apology. I need some insight so I can figure this all out in order to get through this... Last edited by ingie; 10-14-2009 at 06:03 AM.

10-13-2009, 08:19 PM	#2
TBE_1989 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 562	I am deeply sorry to hear about your situation. Your ex needs professional help. Is he seeing a counsellor, or attending something like Alcoholics Anonymous? The combination of losing a child to suicide and being an alcoholic is a truly hellish one, and while this does not excuse him treating you the way he did, it is obviously indicative of a hugely tragic situation and a disturbed, distraught individual. Before having any more contact with him, I would advise you to look into how he plans on dealing with his addiction and if he is serious about getting better. You can tell a lot about a person from how they acknowledge addiction and dependence. Is he going to face the music and work at rebuilding his life, or is he going to continue to use his tragic loss and addiction as a basis for behaving completely selfishly? In most situations, I advise people who have been cheated on to dump the person who was unfaithful and move on. However - while it is not an EXCUSE - I do know how alcoholism can transform a decent person into someone selfish, confused, neurotic. I know how recovery and sobriety can transform a once addict into someone committed, clear-headed and positive. If he is serious about getting better, things in general could get better, and perhaps, just perhaps, this could work. I wish you all the best. And on a side note - maybe rewrite your post with paragraphs and spacing, people will find it easier to read that way __________________ Advice given : Tips on healing after breakup - http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=235499 Very important tip!! - http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=242482 Advice needed : http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=310434 ~USE THE REP SYSTEM!~

10-14-2009, 06:00 AM	#3
ingie Offline Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Midwest Gender: Female Age: 58 Posts: 2	He's not in counselling - and probably will never be. He's too macho to recognize that he needs help much less seek it out. The only "help" he got through his son's suicide was what I gave him, both at the time, and a few years later when we were together in the relationship. He's repeating the same behavior as he has before. His 29 year marriage broke up due to his alcoholism. He then went into a rather long-term (3-4 year) relationship with an alcoholic woman. When he sobered up, due to health problems, he realized that relationship was no longer working. Then he got into the relationship with me, which was one based on sobriety and friendship. Now he's returned to alcoholism and I'm out of the picture. See the pattern? It's craziness. But I now realize, too, that I enabled him. I allowed him to control the relationship. I allowed him to completely take over my life in every aspect because I wanted so badly what we had. He worked his magic on me by being charming, funny, loving, and at the same time, everything was always on his terms. So much discovery in hindsight, so little recognition and realization as it was happening. And, now, so much pain as the result. Trying to work through all the grief and sadness over what once was, how good it might have been if he had only left the two mistresses (one liquid, the other a warm body) out of the picture. The man is/was the love of my life. And there is the other BIG aspect in that he was my friend for 35 years. That it in itself is a huge thing to grieve over. Add to all that the anger over his betrayal and everything that goes with that kind of situation. Plus it brings back all the pain from my ex-husband having done the very same thing. I know I contributed to the repeated experience and need to change. I'm just not sure how.