Friends with someone (opposite gender) in a relationship

islandmover · 09-19-2009, 04:05 PM

I'm new to the site after finding it by accident with a Google search about this topic. I read a lot of the threads and posts and figured I'd see if anyone can offer some advice. Um, basically I want to know what the rules are about friendships with someone of the opposite sex who is in a relationship. I'm a girl and I've had female friends most of my life. I really haven't had a male friend since elementary school, honestly. And now that i'm in college I've been making more friends and I have a couple male friends now. Trouble is, I'm not sure how to deal with them exactly because we went from being really good pals to having a wall up after they got girlfriends. I enjoyed having these friends I could talk to about things I like that girls don't, like certain movies and video games and stuff. But they don't want to hang out with me as much anymore. And then I recently met a guy I really like talking to. We get along and have a lot in common and all that and I was wanting to ask him if he wants to hang out some time. But I recently learned he has a girlfriend and I'm not sure how he would feel about hanging out with me. The thing is, he hasn't really put up the same kind of wall that my other guy friends have despite having this girlfriend. But I guess that's because all we've done so far is talk a lot. That's why I'm wondering if he's just going to act like my other guy friends have if I asked him to hang out some time. I wish they didn't feel like they have to back off like that. I'm friends with them for a reason. I may have had female friends only for a long time but I've always been kinda the odd girl out. The tomboy who can't be the girly girl all the time. So it's been great to have friends now I can talk to about guy-ish stuff. Should I always expect guys to act like that with me as their friend when they have a girlfriend? Or is it just them? Again, i'm really not used to having guy friends as I said so i'm not sure if this is something I should accept or if it's just an unreal expectation that I can have male friends that i hang out with. Should I see if this new guy wants to hang out or should I just give up on having male friends for now on?

DrKitten · 09-19-2009, 04:22 PM

Some guys just have really jealous girlfriends who get all insecure if they hang out with another female. Of course there's nothing wrong with it, but it's kind of just the crappy reality.

Go ahead and ask your guy friend to hang out, maybe invite his girlfriend along too so she knows you're not a threat. I also think it's worth contacting your other guy friends and jut letting them know you don't appreciate them dropping the friendship.

Speranza · 09-19-2009, 06:48 PM

I'm not sure there are 'rules' as such, but it seems as though you're saying that the problem happens when you ask guys to hang out.

Thing is, this sends a message to their g/fs that you are wanting 'special time' with them, and even though it may be perfectly innocent intent on your part, how would the girls know that?

I'm a lot older than you, but something I've learned over the years is to get to know their SO as well. Then you can gauge whether it's appropriate to spend that time, you can reassure their girlfriend, etc.

The truth of the matter is that it's all too easy to get more attached than you intended, so it's better safe than sorry. I agree, it sucks that it's not easier, but it isn't. Possibly because men tend to categorise women by how attractive they are (so I've heard, correct me guys!) and so there is always going to be at least the possiblity of that 'spark'.

blindfold · 09-19-2009, 07:49 PM

to put it simple:

1. if you ask him to hang out with you, tell him to bring his girl along (if she doesn't want to, at least she'll know you invited her, and will probably not feel threatened).

2. don't ask your male friend to sleep over - obvious one.

3. don't get all "touchy feely" - another obvious one.

4. don't trash his girlfriend after he's had a row with her - he might patch things up and you end up looking like the bad guy.

5. try to be friends (or at least friendly) to his girlfriend - he likes her more than anyone, and so she must be important to him.

09-19-2009, 04:05 PM	#1
islandmover Offline Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 1	Friends with someone (opposite gender) in a relationship I'm new to the site after finding it by accident with a Google search about this topic. I read a lot of the threads and posts and figured I'd see if anyone can offer some advice. Um, basically I want to know what the rules are about friendships with someone of the opposite sex who is in a relationship. I'm a girl and I've had female friends most of my life. I really haven't had a male friend since elementary school, honestly. And now that i'm in college I've been making more friends and I have a couple male friends now. Trouble is, I'm not sure how to deal with them exactly because we went from being really good pals to having a wall up after they got girlfriends. I enjoyed having these friends I could talk to about things I like that girls don't, like certain movies and video games and stuff. But they don't want to hang out with me as much anymore. And then I recently met a guy I really like talking to. We get along and have a lot in common and all that and I was wanting to ask him if he wants to hang out some time. But I recently learned he has a girlfriend and I'm not sure how he would feel about hanging out with me. The thing is, he hasn't really put up the same kind of wall that my other guy friends have despite having this girlfriend. But I guess that's because all we've done so far is talk a lot. That's why I'm wondering if he's just going to act like my other guy friends have if I asked him to hang out some time. I wish they didn't feel like they have to back off like that. I'm friends with them for a reason. I may have had female friends only for a long time but I've always been kinda the odd girl out. The tomboy who can't be the girly girl all the time. So it's been great to have friends now I can talk to about guy-ish stuff. Should I always expect guys to act like that with me as their friend when they have a girlfriend? Or is it just them? Again, i'm really not used to having guy friends as I said so i'm not sure if this is something I should accept or if it's just an unreal expectation that I can have male friends that i hang out with. Should I see if this new guy wants to hang out or should I just give up on having male friends for now on?

09-19-2009, 04:22 PM	#2
DrKitten Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 69	Some guys just have really jealous girlfriends who get all insecure if they hang out with another female. Of course there's nothing wrong with it, but it's kind of just the crappy reality. Go ahead and ask your guy friend to hang out, maybe invite his girlfriend along too so she knows you're not a threat. I also think it's worth contacting your other guy friends and jut letting them know you don't appreciate them dropping the friendship. __________________ Meow!

09-19-2009, 06:48 PM	#3
Speranza Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 49 Posts: 722	I'm not sure there are 'rules' as such, but it seems as though you're saying that the problem happens when you ask guys to hang out. Thing is, this sends a message to their g/fs that you are wanting 'special time' with them, and even though it may be perfectly innocent intent on your part, how would the girls know that? I'm a lot older than you, but something I've learned over the years is to get to know their SO as well. Then you can gauge whether it's appropriate to spend that time, you can reassure their girlfriend, etc. The truth of the matter is that it's all too easy to get more attached than you intended, so it's better safe than sorry. I agree, it sucks that it's not easier, but it isn't. Possibly because men tend to categorise women by how attractive they are (so I've heard, correct me guys!) and so there is always going to be at least the possiblity of that 'spark'.

09-19-2009, 07:49 PM	#4
blindfold Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 161	to put it simple: 1. if you ask him to hang out with you, tell him to bring his girl along (if she doesn't want to, at least she'll know you invited her, and will probably not feel threatened). 2. don't ask your male friend to sleep over - obvious one. 3. don't get all "touchy feely" - another obvious one. 4. don't trash his girlfriend after he's had a row with her - he might patch things up and you end up looking like the bad guy. 5. try to be friends (or at least friendly) to his girlfriend - he likes her more than anyone, and so she must be important to him.