advice on dealing with an angry roommate?

whes · 09-16-2009, 07:12 PM

Hi,

So, I've been living with this one girl in various houses for 2-3 years now, and she's really starting to get on my nerves. When she has had a bad day and comes home angry she never holds it in. If she comes home angry and I don't stay out of her way, I get all of her poop dumped on me. She never does this to our other roommate, just to me.

I get so fed up with it, but if I try to talk to her about it it just makes her defensive, and you can't really talk to her objectively that way. I'm usually pretty good about just leaving her alone and trying to not let it get to me, but it isn't fair that I am the one who has to hold myself in check.

She's pretty emotional most off the time though and can fall into pretty depressive states. There's just a lack of emotional control on her part. gah..

Any advice?

fatcat1999 · 09-16-2009, 09:39 PM

my first roommate has same problem, the best advice I can give you is to find someone to sublet your place, getting your deposit back. you don't want to deal with this * * * * , it will put a lot of stress on you.

Gilgamesh · 09-16-2009, 10:00 PM

Well the reason she dumps everything on you, is because you have been around her so long and sees you as a sister or something like that,

If you cannot move out, you will just have to confront her head on, the next time she comes in all angry over something, just look at her straight on, ( stand firm ) and tell her,

"Listen you want to sit down and talk about, fine I'll listen, but don't go dumping your **** on me with that attitude, I have my own problems too, are you going to listen to them? "

anyway you get the picture, you have to draw the line, she does this because she knows you will let her.

Dinka · 09-17-2009, 04:24 PM

WOW. That sounds like my college roommate. Who, surprisingly, I am still great friends with even though it got so bad that it literally came to blows! In her defense, she was REALLY drunk.

There is no way to deal with this except to approach her and say, "Look, this isn't a fair situation." I HIGHLY advise not doing this WHILE she is angry, as it will only make her angrier and harder to deal with. Then, even after she calms down, all she'll remember is that you made her upset. Wait until after an episode, then approach her when she is already calmed down. This way, she still understands the specific moment in question, but she is chill enough to understand that it's affecting you directly.

daisy84 · 09-17-2009, 11:56 PM

I have also had a roommate like this, and there is hope, we too are still friends. Part of it can be maturity. If you've been around so long and taken it for so long, she may not realize that it is inappropriate to dump on you like that. You could do what I did and majorly blow up one day, she'd learn the lesson like my roommate did, but you'd both suffer a lot of hurt like my roommate and I did as we moved apart. That was immature of me too.

Talking to her is the best bet, but if something you've said in the past didn't work, you'll have to try saying something really different. If she is very emotional and possibly depressed or unhappy it may be worthwhile to aknowledge that. I would try saying something like, "I feel really bad that so many bad things keep happening to you, but sometimes I feel like I am too stressed after hearing your issues. I'm here to talk to but not to be dumped on and I know you don't mean to do that, but sometimes it does feel like I'm being dumped on." You may suggest that she talk to someone else like a therapist if her problems are persistant.

Unfortunately if this is her way of dealing with problems she may grow out of it, but I'm not sure there is any guaranteed way you can trigger that. Some people never grow up.

whes · 09-18-2009, 02:14 AM

Thanks for all your responses. I know I should've said something more firmly to her, but I really hate conflict. And she is just big ball of conflict sometimes. It doesn't take her hours to cool off, it takes days. And the whole time she won't talk to any of us: it's the only way she can deal with her anger without completely blowing up. I really do think she has emotional control problems, but I'm pretty sure it isn't my place to tell her to get help...

09-16-2009, 07:12 PM	#1
whes Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Wild Rose Country Gender: Female Posts: 660	advice on dealing with an angry roommate? Hi, So, I've been living with this one girl in various houses for 2-3 years now, and she's really starting to get on my nerves. When she has had a bad day and comes home angry she never holds it in. If she comes home angry and I don't stay out of her way, I get all of her poop dumped on me. She never does this to our other roommate, just to me. I get so fed up with it, but if I try to talk to her about it it just makes her defensive, and you can't really talk to her objectively that way. I'm usually pretty good about just leaving her alone and trying to not let it get to me, but it isn't fair that I am the one who has to hold myself in check. She's pretty emotional most off the time though and can fall into pretty depressive states. There's just a lack of emotional control on her part. gah.. Any advice? __________________ Sometimes freedom makes it hard to live. When it takes things from you that you don't want to give. -- Dean Brody --

09-16-2009, 10:00 PM	#3
Gilgamesh Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Caribbean Gender: Male Age: 47 Posts: 1,647	Well the reason she dumps everything on you, is because you have been around her so long and sees you as a sister or something like that, If you cannot move out, you will just have to confront her head on, the next time she comes in all angry over something, just look at her straight on, ( stand firm ) and tell her, "Listen you want to sit down and talk about, fine I'll listen, but don't go dumping your **** on me with that attitude, I have my own problems too, are you going to listen to them? " anyway you get the picture, you have to draw the line, she does this because she knows you will let her. __________________ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

09-18-2009, 02:14 AM	#6
whes Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Wild Rose Country Gender: Female Posts: 660	Thanks for all your responses. I know I should've said something more firmly to her, but I really hate conflict. And she is just big ball of conflict sometimes. It doesn't take her hours to cool off, it takes days. And the whole time she won't talk to any of us: it's the only way she can deal with her anger without completely blowing up. I really do think she has emotional control problems, but I'm pretty sure it isn't my place to tell her to get help... __________________ Sometimes freedom makes it hard to live. When it takes things from you that you don't want to give. -- Dean Brody --

09-16-2009, 09:39 PM	#2
fatcat1999 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 309	my first roommate has same problem, the best advice I can give you is to find someone to sublet your place, getting your deposit back. you don't want to deal with this * * * * , it will put a lot of stress on you.

09-17-2009, 04:24 PM	#4
Dinka Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 402	WOW. That sounds like my college roommate. Who, surprisingly, I am still great friends with even though it got so bad that it literally came to blows! In her defense, she was REALLY drunk. There is no way to deal with this except to approach her and say, "Look, this isn't a fair situation." I HIGHLY advise not doing this WHILE she is angry, as it will only make her angrier and harder to deal with. Then, even after she calms down, all she'll remember is that you made her upset. Wait until after an episode, then approach her when she is already calmed down. This way, she still understands the specific moment in question, but she is chill enough to understand that it's affecting you directly.

09-17-2009, 11:56 PM	#5
daisy84 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 6	I have also had a roommate like this, and there is hope, we too are still friends. Part of it can be maturity. If you've been around so long and taken it for so long, she may not realize that it is inappropriate to dump on you like that. You could do what I did and majorly blow up one day, she'd learn the lesson like my roommate did, but you'd both suffer a lot of hurt like my roommate and I did as we moved apart. That was immature of me too. Talking to her is the best bet, but if something you've said in the past didn't work, you'll have to try saying something really different. If she is very emotional and possibly depressed or unhappy it may be worthwhile to aknowledge that. I would try saying something like, "I feel really bad that so many bad things keep happening to you, but sometimes I feel like I am too stressed after hearing your issues. I'm here to talk to but not to be dumped on and I know you don't mean to do that, but sometimes it does feel like I'm being dumped on." You may suggest that she talk to someone else like a therapist if her problems are persistant. Unfortunately if this is her way of dealing with problems she may grow out of it, but I'm not sure there is any guaranteed way you can trigger that. Some people never grow up.