The hypocrisy of parents....

[stranded247]

My parents have this illusion that they have brought my brother and I up well and in many ways I would say this is mostly correct. But if they knew the truth about us they would feel like failures. And I don't see why really but it gets to me. My younger brother who is 14 smokes pot recreationally, not that often but still I was pretty shocked seeing as I'm 18 and I only just started experimenting with drugs this summer because I've suddenly become quite curious, however I go by a try it once and then never again sort of policy. But it's gotten to the stage where my little brother drinks quite a lot when he goes out, smokes pot and has had alcohol fuelled sexual experiences with girls (he's still a virgin though). I on the other hand started all this stuff much later. My mother once said to me she'd feel like a failure as a mother if i lost my virginity to someone when I was 16 or even 17. I had a friends with benefits situation when I was 16 (my first sexual experience was alcohol fuelled) I lost my virginity with my ex boyfriend at 17 and have since had two one night stands as well as a few short lasting flings, I smoke, I've experimented with drugs etc. My father did drugs at about the same age as me and although he wont admit to dropping acid and smoking a lot of pot I know from many other family members and my mother that he did and that he was still smoking pot when I was a little girl. He has given my brother and I the infamous lecture on the 'dangers of alcohol and drugs' many times but it has clearly been wasted on us.

My parents still think I'm a virgin and that I would never touch drugs, they think the same about my brother but less so because he's not as good about hiding what he gets up to.

I just don't understand how we've become everything they don't want and the sad thing is they don't even realise it. It sort of infuriates me, especially the hypocrisy of their behaviour. I feel that if they had been more accepting of such stereotypical teenage behaviour then maybe my brother and I would be different. And now I feel like there is this invisible barrier between my parents and I because they can never really know me and what I and my brother have been through because telling them would be the death of us. And that seems kind of sad, the older I get the less and less I understand my parents and it makes me feel like I really am on my own in this world.

[Jpo]

First of all, I do not think that the term 'hypocrite' really applies here. Unless your parents are currently doing drugs and getting wasted every night, they are not hypocrites for not wanting the two of you to repeat their own mistakes.

That said, I understand where you are coming from -- when you talk about the 'barrier'. I grew up in a very similar situation. My parents were pretty wild when they were younger and became Christians in their early 20s. They had a huge change in their belief systems and did everything they could to keep my siblings and I from becoming the way they were in their teenage years.

Basically, they attempted to control every aspect of our lives and literally attempted to shelter us from any possible "risk" -- to the point where none of us were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends at all during highschool. Basically, all that happened is we would do it behind their backs, and I always resented them for not being available to talk to about that kind of stuff. I had to learn everything through hard knocks with no guidance from them.

It actually goes a bit further than I am saying, with some emotional abuse issues, but basically, like you described, there was a 'wall' between me and them. One that is still there actually, although slowly going away.

I'm not sure of any advice to offer, just some hope I guess. It gets better once you leave for a while. Go to college, figure out who you are, and while you're doing that you're parents start to learn to let you go -- that you are your own person. That you will have your own ideals and beliefs. Good luck. For what it's worth, I believe they are acting that way because they love you and want to protect you, despite its actual effect.

[arcadefire]

I'm in the same boat. My mother especially is extremely conservative when it comes to dating, alcohol, smoking, etc. I never had a boyfriend in high school, never had a sleepover, never went out for dinner or movies past sundown while at high school. In short, it forced me to become reclusive. I could never talk to her about my problems, even now, especially about relationships, because she cannot relate.

By the time I reached college, I started trying everything, and sometimes I did resent the fact that I wasn't able to earlier, and thereby learning through my mistakes (which I've made many in college) alone and with friends who have lived through them earlier.

My relationship with my mom has never been easy. There were times I resorted to really stupid things because I didn't know how to deal with such a controlling parent, even after college. When my mom learned that I wasn't waiting until marriage (which was a year after college that she found out...) I guess it sealed the deal to her that she can no longer control my life.

My best advice is to just accept your parents for who they are. They will not change how they accept anything. You should never feel guilty for living your own life. At 18 you are legally an adult. If you cannot talk to your parents about your problems, I guarantee that you have friends whom you can confide to. Without my social network I would be doomed. Over time, and I feel especially when you go to college, they will learn to let you live your own life.

[Dinka]

Hi, all...I have a story to share with you.

I was in the same boat for many, many, MANY years. From the time I was 12 (13 years ago), my parents and I clashed. Sometimes it was quiet and sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes it was really, REALLY loud. I began running away and self-harming, and I began silently blaming my behavior on my parents.

Things between the three of us got progressively worse and I just kept getting bitter about it. No, they WEREN'T the best parents. Some things they did were awesome, some things they did bordered on awful...my dad threw me out of the house once and told me not to come back. I was thirteen. It wasn't until I left for college that I stopped talking to my father altogether...one of the last things I told him before parting ways was, "I don't like you, I've never liked you, and I wish you were never a part of my life."

OUCH. I feel horrible NOW for saying such things.

One day, while visiting home from school, I was in a particularly awful shouting argument with my mother. Back and forth and what not. Then, in the midst of all the shouting, she stops and looks at me for a long time, and then she says.

"I know I'm your mother and I'm supposed to be in charge and know what I'm doing, but I don't. I have no idea. This is your first time being a daughter, but this is my first time being a mother, too. I don't get a practice child."

I was TWENTY YEARS OLD when she said that, eight years after I began my angry, bitter downwards path. But you know what? The truth of that statement is so invaluable, so important to me, that it really changed my perspective. Since then, things aren't perfect between the three of us, but they are far improved.

Your parents probably think that they're great parents because they've got this far. And they're probably right. But being right in that sense doesn't mean that they've DONE everything right. Just remember to keep working with them on what you can, turning the other cheek when you can, and making their job easier where you can. I promise it'll make all of your lives better in the long run.

[FarthestEdge]

Originally Posted by stranded247

My parents have this illusion that they have brought my brother and I up well and in many ways I would say this is mostly correct. But if they knew the truth about us they would feel like failures. And I don't see why really but it gets to me. My younger brother who is 14 smokes pot recreationally, not that often but still I was pretty shocked seeing as I'm 18 and I only just started experimenting with drugs this summer because I've suddenly become quite curious, however I go by a try it once and then never again sort of policy. But it's gotten to the stage where my little brother drinks quite a lot when he goes out, smokes pot and has had alcohol fuelled sexual experiences with girls (he's still a virgin though). I on the other hand started all this stuff much later. My mother once said to me she'd feel like a failure as a mother if i lost my virginity to someone when I was 16 or even 17. I had a friends with benefits situation when I was 16 (my first sexual experience was alcohol fuelled) I lost my virginity with my ex boyfriend at 17 and have since had two one night stands as well as a few short lasting flings, I smoke, I've experimented with drugs etc. My father did drugs at about the same age as me and although he wont admit to dropping acid and smoking a lot of pot I know from many other family members and my mother that he did and that he was still smoking pot when I was a little girl. He has given my brother and I the infamous lecture on the 'dangers of alcohol and drugs' many times but it has clearly been wasted on us.

My parents still think I'm a virgin and that I would never touch drugs, they think the same about my brother but less so because he's not as good about hiding what he gets up to.

I just don't understand how we've become everything they don't want and the sad thing is they don't even realise it. It sort of infuriates me, especially the hypocrisy of their behaviour. I feel that if they had been more accepting of such stereotypical teenage behaviour then maybe my brother and I would be different. And now I feel like there is this invisible barrier between my parents and I because they can never really know me and what I and my brother have been through because telling them would be the death of us. And that seems kind of sad, the older I get the less and less I understand my parents and it makes me feel like I really am on my own in this world.

You've become who you are because of YOUR choices. Parents teach and guide us as children, but as we evolve into adults, we assume the responsibility for who we want to be.

So don't go looking to your parents past to justify behaviour that has you questioning your own self-worth. They made their choices, now you make yours. And don't blame them that you made choices that go against what they tried to teach you. That is a fundamental phase of the teenage condition, and in a way necessary for teenagers to realize that their choices (and accepting the consequences of their choices) is their right and responsibility.

Who are you going to be? That's entirely up to you.

[FarthestEdge]

Originally Posted by Dinka

Hi, all...I have a story to share with you.

"I know I'm your mother and I'm supposed to be in charge and know what I'm doing, but I don't. I have no idea. This is your first time being a daughter, but this is my first time being a mother, too. I don't get a practice child."

.

Thanks for this. Putting this in the vault for about, oh 8-10 years.