May have a newborn daughter...goin through a lotta emotions right now

[Analbumcover]

So my ex-girlfriend just had a baby girl and there's a good chance it's mine. I started dating her in November of last year, after she broke up with her ex. We waited a couple weeks before having sex, when we did, we always used a condom.
On either Dec 7th or 8th the condom broke, and a few weeks later we found out she was pregnant. So I was excited but scared about fatherhood, a few weeks later when she got the ultrasound the doctor said she was further along than expected based on the size of the baby and the presence of certain features such as the amniotic sac. Mind you, all of this was relayed from her she wouldn't let me go in the office with her, she did show me the pics and pointed out the features. The day before the appointment she told me that there's a good chance she was pregnant when we started dating. These results from the ultrasound confirmed what she said...or so I thought?

So we broke up a couple weeks after that, and she immediately went back to her ex...fast forward to the present. She gave birth on August 26th to a healthy baby girl. If you look back to the date the condom broke, that's December 8th, that would match up really well with August 26th. I went on Facebook and saw some pics she had posted, I did see some resemblance to her boyfriend but it's really hard to tell with babies.

I contacted her and congratulated her on the baby, we're meeting up for lunch this week, I didn't mention anything about a paternity test yet, I really don't know how to approach this situation. I could just not bring it up let them be their happy little family, but I need closure, if I have a daughter I don't want her to be raised by someone else. Any advice on how to handle this?

[waveseer]

Tough situation, but it seems that a formal request for a paternity test is in order. It may not win you anyone's favor though.

[Lonewing]

Ask for the paternity test...closure, peace of mind?

You might be lucky though...doc said further along than he expected...

[lunarstar0131]

Originally Posted by Analbumcover

So my ex-girlfriend just had a baby girl and there's a good chance it's mine. I started dating her in November of last year, after she broke up with her ex. We waited a couple weeks before having sex, when we did, we always used a condom.
On either Dec 7th or 8th the condom broke, and a few weeks later we found out she was pregnant. So I was excited but scared about fatherhood, a few weeks later when she got the ultrasound the doctor said she was further along than expected based on the size of the baby and the presence of certain features such as the amniotic sac. Mind you, all of this was relayed from her she wouldn't let me go in the office with her, she did show me the pics and pointed out the features. The day before the appointment she told me that there's a good chance she was pregnant when we started dating. These results from the ultrasound confirmed what she said...or so I thought?

So we broke up a couple weeks after that, and she immediately went back to her ex...fast forward to the present. She gave birth on August 26th to a healthy baby girl. If you look back to the date the condom broke, that's December 8th, that would match up really well with August 26th. I went on Facebook and saw some pics she had posted, I did see some resemblance to her boyfriend but it's really hard to tell with babies.

I contacted her and congratulated her on the baby, we're meeting up for lunch this week, I didn't mention anything about a paternity test yet, I really don't know how to approach this situation. I could just not bring it up let them be their happy little family, but I need closure, if I have a daughter I don't want her to be raised by someone else. Any advice on how to handle this?

Analbumcover,

I am so sorry you are going through this and I can see why you are torn up right now, if I was in your situation I would probably feel the same way.

I don't see anything wrong with you asking for a paternity test, and you would not be ruining their perfect family.

If there is a chance that the baby might be yours you have every right to know. I would bring up the idea to your ex I know its probably going to be nerve wrecking but its better for you to know once and for all than to spend a life time wondering if the baby was yours.

[avman]

If you really need to know, then insist on a paternity test. And you need to do it early because the longer you wait the more likely a court would decide that you didn't show any interest in the child in time to be granted any rights.

As others mentioned, it won't be pretty. Hopefully you can work it out with them informally but if not you'll have to go to court. But if that's what you need to do then by all means do it. THis is the kind of thing that can nag at you the rest of your life if you aren't sure about it.

[thejigsup]

Let's say it is your daughter. That won't change that she WILL be raised by them, not you. You broke up, you didn't stay around through the pregnancy. I know you had your reasons, maybe she broke up with you. But, they are a family and the most you will get is occaisional visitation, and you will have to pay child support. You won't have any say on how she is raised in their house, but she will get to know you. This is a decision only you can make. By the way, my son looked just like his father from the second he was born, my brother's daughter looked just like him right away. Yeah, babies' resemblances to their parents are there right away. Still, if you really want to know, you could ask her for a paternity test. If she says no you will have to go to court to get legal permission to force her to do it and you will have to have compelling proof why you think you are the father. You will also have to pay for it.

[Lights]

Originally Posted by thejigsup

Let's say it is your daughter. That won't change that she WILL be raised by them, not you. You broke up, you didn't stay around through the pregnancy. I know you had your reasons, maybe she broke up with you. But, they are a family and the most you will get is occaisional visitation, and you will have to pay child support. You won't have any say on how she is raised in their house, but she will get to know you. This is a decision only you can make. By the way, my son looked just like his father from the second he was born, my brother's daughter looked just like him right away. Yeah, babies' resemblances to their parents are there right away. Still, if you really want to know, you could ask her for a paternity test. If she says no you will have to go to court for it and have proof why you think you are the father. You will also have to pay for it.

The baby will still be around them, yes. But if the OP gets a paternity test done and it proves he is the father, then he will have rights and he will play a part in raising the child if he chooses to.

And it really is too hard to tell based on looks. I've seen african-american newborns that look caucasian. I've seen newborns that look NOTHING like either of their parents because the features are mixed up so evenly.

I think a paternity test is your best bet, so you can find out and be able to make a clear decision if needed. It'll only be more difficult in the future if the courts wonder why it took you years to do it, and you don't want a regret like that one day if it could be avoided.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Originally Posted by Analbumcover

I contacted her and congratulated her on the baby, we're meeting up for lunch this week, I didn't mention anything about a paternity test yet, I really don't know how to approach this situation. I could just not bring it up let them be their happy little family, but I need closure, if I have a daughter I don't want her to be raised by someone else. Any advice on how to handle this?

It sounds like you're a decent guy who wants to do the right thing. The most important person in all of this is the little girl, so you need to be mature and respectful when you approach the subject of a paternity test.

I'd suggest taking a little present along for the baby, just a token, to show that you are thinking about her. Like you say, there is a probable chance that the baby is not yours, but you need to know. You need to reassure your ex that the last thing you want to do is upset the apple cart, but a paternity test is needed so that you can all go on and live your lives.

I'm not sure, in the event that the baby is yours, how you would handle that situation, so you need to think about that when you speak to her. She is more likely to meet you half way if you are honest with what you want, and show that you have thought out the consequences of the test.

I really do wish you the best of luck with this, its good to see that you are thinking of the baby and you're taking responsibility.

[thejigsup]

My bf practices family law, and contrary to popular thought, the noncustodial parent has very little say in how the custodial family raises the child. They have rights to know what is happening in school and with any doctor's appointments, but the values and day-to-day going ons with that child, nope, no input at all unless there is abuse.

[avman]

Originally Posted by thejigsup

My bf practices family law, and contrary to popular thought, the noncustodial parent has very little say in how the custodial family raises the child. They have rights to know what is happening in school and with any doctor's appointments, but the values and day-to-day going ons with that child, nope, no input at all unless there is abuse.

I'm sorry but frankly I don't agree with you at all. If he can create a decent working relationship with the mother there's no reason why he can't have a good say in how the child is raised. He could try to get joint legal custody so as to have more say. And if he doesn't try then of course he'll have no say at all.