Hex's Total Philosophy on Relationships

hexaemeron · 09-03-2009, 06:16 PM

Okay, so in the time since I've been viewing and contributing to ENA, I know that a lot of you agree with a lot of what I say, and some of you would probably like nothing more than to burn me at the stake for snippets of my relationship philosophy.

I figured it might be interesting to just put it all out here. Let me get a few things out up front right now. Don't bash me.

We all deserve the respect to find our own answers, whether they dovetail with your own beliefs or not. I'm also a rabid homosexual. It's true. But it doesn't affect what it is I desire in a partner or what I'm willing to offer in kind. I truly believe I'd ask the same things and believe what I do if I were heterosexual. Finally, I have Asperger's Syndrome, which means my brain is fundamentally wired a bit different from most of you, being that I exist on the High Functioning Autism spectrum. There are things I require in a relationship that seem totally daft to you, just as there are things you guys require in a relationship that I think are utterly daft.

Nature of the beast, I guess.

I do not need to be with a partner. I could very easily live single and unfettered and be completely fulfilled. In fact, in most cases, it's far more difficult for me to navigate interpersonal relationships, but when I choose to be with someone, it's with an explicit understanding that I am choosing to be with this specific person because I believe it would be worth it versus being easier and fullfilled single.

I think that I am truly interesting in finding an equal. A partner in crime. Someone who values things that I value: independence, ambition, a mild gluttony

for living well, having financial freedom, sexually open and explorative.

I believe that relationships are meant to lift us up, to enrich us, to remind us why we work so hard. I believe that relationships are a beginning of learning in the world, not the ending of it. With relationships, a lot of people (right or wrong) remove the possibility of experience and freedoms from partners.

I want to continue to live and grow and experience, and I want my partner to do the same. That means he might take a trip (with or without me), have sex with someone else (safely, with my knowledge on his own or with me too along for viewing or joining in) or any number of things.

And that's totally okay. I think (personally, my opinion, right or wrong) that the moment that choices and opportunities are denied, experiences are missed, the quality of living and the relationship suffers. The relationship stagnates.

I realize this might seem very laissez-faire, and I agree, it probably is. I want to continue to have new experiences in life, and I want my partner to feel free to experience all life has to offer too. I am not a jealous or paranoid person, and I hope this fosters a loving environment where my partner feels free to be completely honest with me, knowing that I would never, ever judge him.

People always say they want honesty in relationships, but this is honestly mostly not true. People want honesty for things that make them feel good, but when confronted with an honest statement that is undesired, then it becomes an issue. If you want honesty for the good, you have to take honesty for the bad too with the same equanimity.

So, I guess, in a long-winded way, I want a relationship where we contribute equally to finances, domestic duties, and to self-enrichment. I don't want to put limits on my partner because to me that puts limits on me, the relationship, everything. In order to thrive, living things must change and grow and evolve, and so do relationships. Change, or die. And all too often, they die. Horribly.

I don't want to have a relationship that dies. I want a relationship that thrives.

vivisection-8 · 09-03-2009, 06:30 PM

Not all sex is safe. By allowing that sort of freedom, you open yourself up to contracting diseases which are not protected by condoms and the list of these diseases is long. Removing any sort of emotional attachment to intimacy devalues the relationship because nothing is sacred. Freedom isn't free. Everything else in this post I agree with.

hexaemeron · 09-03-2009, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivisection-8

Not all sex is safe. By allowing that sort of freedom, you open yourself up to contracting diseases which are not protected by condoms and the list of these diseases is long. Removing any sort of emotional attachment to intimacy devalues the relationship because nothing is sacred. Freedom isn't free. Everything else in this post I agree with.

That could happen anyway, though. How many people are promised monogamy and don't get it? How many people are betrayed and hurt and god knows what else because people stepped out rather than just be honest and communicate?

Just because you're promised monogamy doesn't mean you're going to get it. The only difference for me is that I'd want to talk about it and have it out in the open.

Cognitive_Canine · 09-03-2009, 06:34 PM

I can't imagine giving someone my everything...only for them to confide in someone else.

hexaemeron · 09-03-2009, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by debaser_wolf

I can't imagine giving someone my everything...only for them to confide in someone else.

For me, (right or wrong) I think it's unhealthy to expect to find everything in one person. It creates an unhealthy pressure on someone to be responsible for the happiness and contentment of the other person. We all have a responsibility to be confident and secure and continue growing, and people all too often forget to do this, or feel because they found someone, they can just give up because they found a partner. There is a whole world out there and I want my partner to revel in that. We can share things with each other that we don't share with others, but those are more intangible things (for me, anyway.)

Allowing someone to be there when you're hurting. Being there to help your partner when he's hurting. Taking care of them when they're sick. Those are things we would share with no one else. But we're not putting such an expectation on the other to be everything, so we won't be disappointed when that person ultimately cannot live up to that.

ersatz81 · 09-03-2009, 06:38 PM

Marry me?

Great post, and I am in total agreement with you, with a small caveat about (of course) the sex thing. My rules on playing outside of the relationship are probably a lot stricter than yours. There's room for it -but not so much.

hexaemeron · 09-03-2009, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ersatz81

Marry me?

Great post, and I am in total agreement with you, with a small caveat about (of course) the sex thing. My rules on playing outside of the relationship are probably a lot stricter than yours. There's room for it -but not so much.

Thanks!

I'm not trying to advocate saying that every evening's going to be sling night at the bathhouse. But I am saying that every so often, if someone strikes his/my/our fancy, as long as it's done with forsight and handled responsibly, I don't see why it has to be such a big deal.

Cognitive_Canine · 09-03-2009, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hexaemeron

For me, (right or wrong) I think it's unhealthy to expect to find everything in one person. It creates an unhealthy pressure on someone to be responsible for the happiness and contentment of the other person. We all have a responsibility to be confident and secure and continue growing, and people all too often forget to do this, or feel because they found someone, they can just give up because they found a partner. There is a whole world out there and I want my partner to revel in that. We can share things with each other that we don't share with others, but those are more intangible things (for me, anyway.)

Allowing someone to be there when you're hurting. Being there to help your partner when he's hurting. Taking care of them when they're sick. Those are things we would share with no one else. But we're not putting such an expectation on the other to be everything, so we won't be disappointed when that person ultimately cannot live up to that.

Oh, I definitely don't rely on him for my happiness. I have my own hobbies, friends, likes and dislikes. Many of which he does not understand or share. Yet, respects. Same goes for him.

I think letting someone's personality completely engulf your existence is very sad. I see it happen often too.

But, we share a bond that is unlike a friend or family bond. It's on a different level of intimacy that I can't even explain. We're life partners. If you need to go outside to get something that isn't offered in the relationship on that level of intimacy, it's just not going to work in the long run (for me, that is).

hexaemeron · 09-03-2009, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by debaser_wolf

Oh, I definitely don't rely on him for my happiness. I have my own hobbies, friends, likes and dislikes. Many of which he does not understand or share. Yet, respects. Same goes for him.

I think letting someone's personality completely engulf your existence is very sad. I see it happen often too.

But, we share a bond that is unlike a friend or family bond. It's on a different level of intimacy that I can't even explain. We're life partners. If you need to go outside to get something that isn't offered in the relationship on that level of intimacy, it's just not going to work in the long run (for me, that is).

It sounds like you and your fella are on the same page, and that's awesome.

Technically, to me, since it's just sex (and I don't and have never placed an emotional resonance on sex), for me, I can agree with everything you're saying.

vivisection-8 · 09-03-2009, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hexaemeron

That could happen anyway, though. How many people are promised monogamy and don't get it? How many people are betrayed and hurt and god knows what else because people stepped out rather than just be honest and communicate?

Just because you're promised monogamy doesn't mean you're going to get it. The only difference for me is that I'd want to talk about it and have it out in the open.

That's just it... It doesn't happen when 2 people are truthful to each other. It happens when someone cheats. Which is unacceptable. Cheating implies dishonesty, not walking up to your partner and saying, "We should have this person involved!" You seem to think that everyone's relationships end in infidelity and they don't. Don't let the hype fool you -- monogamous relationships have been successfully carried out for a millennium.

Considering there are such an abundance of sexually transmitted diseases and I only choose to have sex with people I trust and know (ie. in a relationship with), it seems grossly reckless and frivolous to allow your partner to have sex with strangers when you don't know those people, their histories, etc.

Re: giving your "everything" to someone... I don't know that you can get "everything" from one person, but you sure as hell can expect their honesty and faithfulness. It's not simply namby pamby emotions that founded monogamy.

09-03-2009, 06:16 PM	#1
hexaemeron Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: San Francisco, CA, USA Gender: Male Age: 30 Posts: 2,145	Hex's Total Philosophy on Relationships Okay, so in the time since I've been viewing and contributing to ENA, I know that a lot of you agree with a lot of what I say, and some of you would probably like nothing more than to burn me at the stake for snippets of my relationship philosophy. I figured it might be interesting to just put it all out here. Let me get a few things out up front right now. Don't bash me. We all deserve the respect to find our own answers, whether they dovetail with your own beliefs or not. I'm also a rabid homosexual. It's true. But it doesn't affect what it is I desire in a partner or what I'm willing to offer in kind. I truly believe I'd ask the same things and believe what I do if I were heterosexual. Finally, I have Asperger's Syndrome, which means my brain is fundamentally wired a bit different from most of you, being that I exist on the High Functioning Autism spectrum. There are things I require in a relationship that seem totally daft to you, just as there are things you guys require in a relationship that I think are utterly daft. Nature of the beast, I guess. I do not need to be with a partner. I could very easily live single and unfettered and be completely fulfilled. In fact, in most cases, it's far more difficult for me to navigate interpersonal relationships, but when I choose to be with someone, it's with an explicit understanding that I am choosing to be with this specific person because I believe it would be worth it versus being easier and fullfilled single. I think that I am truly interesting in finding an equal. A partner in crime. Someone who values things that I value: independence, ambition, a mild gluttony for living well, having financial freedom, sexually open and explorative. I believe that relationships are meant to lift us up, to enrich us, to remind us why we work so hard. I believe that relationships are a beginning of learning in the world, not the ending of it. With relationships, a lot of people (right or wrong) remove the possibility of experience and freedoms from partners. I want to continue to live and grow and experience, and I want my partner to do the same. That means he might take a trip (with or without me), have sex with someone else (safely, with my knowledge on his own or with me too along for viewing or joining in) or any number of things. And that's totally okay. I think (personally, my opinion, right or wrong) that the moment that choices and opportunities are denied, experiences are missed, the quality of living and the relationship suffers. The relationship stagnates. I realize this might seem very laissez-faire, and I agree, it probably is. I want to continue to have new experiences in life, and I want my partner to feel free to experience all life has to offer too. I am not a jealous or paranoid person, and I hope this fosters a loving environment where my partner feels free to be completely honest with me, knowing that I would never, ever judge him. People always say they want honesty in relationships, but this is honestly mostly not true. People want honesty for things that make them feel good, but when confronted with an honest statement that is undesired, then it becomes an issue. If you want honesty for the good, you have to take honesty for the bad too with the same equanimity. So, I guess, in a long-winded way, I want a relationship where we contribute equally to finances, domestic duties, and to self-enrichment. I don't want to put limits on my partner because to me that puts limits on me, the relationship, everything. In order to thrive, living things must change and grow and evolve, and so do relationships. Change, or die. And all too often, they die. Horribly. I don't want to have a relationship that dies. I want a relationship that thrives. Last edited by hexaemeron; 09-03-2009 at 06:24 PM.

09-03-2009, 06:30 PM	#2
vivisection-8 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 134	Not all sex is safe. By allowing that sort of freedom, you open yourself up to contracting diseases which are not protected by condoms and the list of these diseases is long. Removing any sort of emotional attachment to intimacy devalues the relationship because nothing is sacred. Freedom isn't free. Everything else in this post I agree with.

09-03-2009, 06:34 PM	#4
Cognitive_Canine Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Somewhere over the rainbow Gender: Female Posts: 11,326	I can't imagine giving someone my everything...only for them to confide in someone else.

09-03-2009, 06:38 PM	#6
ersatz81 Online Bronze Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 206	Marry me? Great post, and I am in total agreement with you, with a small caveat about (of course) the sex thing. My rules on playing outside of the relationship are probably a lot stricter than yours. There's room for it -but not so much.