Feel like death

[Anonybrit]

I have posted here about my relationship a few times over the last 2 years, a couple of times recently too. I have been dating a girl for 2 years, long distance (2 hours away), saw her every 3 or 4 weeks. I am 21 she 17. I love her more than anything although we have had lots of problems, namely I have been unable to deal with the way she often came across as selfish and putting our relationship as a low priority, and have caused 3 or 4 absolutely huge arguments in which I have said or done something incredibly upsetting most people would leave me for.

I took her for granted, even though I convinced myself a few times, including recently, I would be better off without her because of the way she often reacts, I know that I will never find a girl who I get on with as well as her, who understands and accepts me as much as her, whose personality and character I love as much as hers.

But just after we got back together after a big row, I asked her not to use a website on which she discusses our relationship and on which a lot of people have said incredibly insulting things about me (unjustified!) when she is around me - I thought this was fair to ask as it would just hurt my feelings but she exploded and said I was being controlling and said she didn't want to come and see me.

After all we had gone through for her to say this I just lost control again ;((((( I started insulting her really really badly by text and then posted something personal about her on her forum.

I know it was the most horrible thing to do and the WORST way to deal with the situation but I just was so upset and stress-ridden and I made a huge mistake, I could not regret it more and I utterly hate myself for doing it!!! ;(

And this is the 3rd such time I have upset her like this, and now I think it is over for good...

I know 99% of you will be saying it should just end now, but I still love her, the good we had despite the issues we had with each other was so good I really feel it's worth the effort for us to fix it and change so we are both happy. But she says it might be too late...

She is supposed to come down to see me on friday but I don't think she will get on the train.. I asked her if she thought things would work out, she said "don't know, not really". I am honestly going through the worst moments in my entire life, I have horrendous diarrhea, I can't eat or sleep, I am having heart palpitations, she will barely talk to me and just now when I asked her to talk she turned her phone off and is ignoring me.

I just don't want to be alive anymore, everything has been ruined, just a few measly days ago we were still together and looking forward to seeing each other, now I feel like the world has collapsed...

I don't know what to do!!!

[BlueAfterglow08]

You need to learn how to control your temper. If I was her my biggest concern would be that the first time you did it, lost it and hurt her feelings like that. You didn't learn the lesson and have still done it. Which shows to me or her that you arent learning/growing and are not going to stop that behaviour.

It sounds like you two argue quite a bit, but you shouldnt ever lose control. If you want her back I'd leave her alone to calm down/cool down. Im not saying shes compeltely innocent in all this, she shouldnt be posting things about you in public. I'd try and learn to control and work on my issues and SHOW her you can change,

[Anonybrit]

I don't care that she posted about me on the forum, I just care that she put it before me when I asked her simply not to use it around me.

I honestly put all my effort into the relationship and keeping her happy all the time but she just doesn't seem to make the same effort for me, she doesn't mind having strops at me, she'll never offer to make me breakfast one day, she has never gotten me a birthday present, she will be * * * * * y to me if she owes me money but if I owe her money I wouldn't dream of it! She just seems to do what she wants and thinks that love = me living with it ;((

I know I must never lose control like that and it's true I haven't learnt to avoid it any of the times it's happened before, but whilst there is no excuse for it, the way she treats me is completely unsustainable, if I don't explode I'm going to be depressed instead, and she never ever changes ;(

I have tried so many times to make her understand how I feel but it never works and it always ends in this and now I am no position to ask her to change, and yet I still love her, I couldn't be more sorry for what I did, and I would rather be with her and miserable than without her at all... I feel like there's no way I can be happy, either way I hate myself for what I did, and I will either lose her and be miserable or we get back together and I will be under the same pressure and either explode again or just be miserable. One thing I have learnt now is that she WILL just leave if this happens again so I will never let myself explode again, so I feel like it's almost certain I will just bottle up the resentment and disappointment all the time...

Honestly, love has been the biggest disappointment in my entire life, I expected so much and honestly gave everything I could and have ended up with the most traumatic relationship imaginable...

[waveseer]

Originally Posted by Anonybrit

I don't care that she posted about me on the forum, I just care that she put it before me when I asked her simply not to use it around me.

I honestly put all my effort into the relationship and keeping her happy all the time but she just doesn't seem to make the same effort for me, she doesn't mind having strops at me, she'll never offer to make me breakfast one day, she has never gotten me a birthday present, she will be * * * * * y to me if she owes me money but if I owe her money I wouldn't dream of it! She just seems to do what she wants and thinks that love = me living with it ;((

I know I must never lose control like that and it's true I haven't learnt to avoid it any of the times it's happened before, but whilst there is no excuse for it, the way she treats me is completely unsustainable, if I don't explode I'm going to be depressed instead, and she never ever changes ;(

I have tried so many times to make her understand how I feel but it never works and it always ends in this and now I am no position to ask her to change, and yet I still love her, I couldn't be more sorry for what I did, and I would rather be with her and miserable than without her at all... I feel like there's no way I can be happy, either way I hate myself for what I did, and I will either lose her and be miserable or we get back together and I will be under the same pressure and either explode again or just be miserable. One thing I have learnt now is that she WILL just leave if this happens again so I will never let myself explode again, so I feel like it's almost certain I will just bottle up the resentment and disappointment all the time...

Honestly, love has been the biggest disappointment in my entire life, I expected so much and honestly gave everything I could and have ended up with the most traumatic relationship imaginable...

If I may be so bold, I think this is your main problem. There are healthier ways to deal with feelings of resentment and disappointment than exploding. If you learn them then all of your relationships will be improved.

[Anonybrit]

Originally Posted by waveseer

If I may be so bold, I think this is your main problem. There are healthier ways to deal with feelings of resentment and disappointment than exploding. If you learn them then all of your relationships will be improved.

Please, I really want to know how to deal with it. You know when you can just tell someone will never change? When it's just too core to their personality, they just won't be able to shake it? That's the feeling I get with her, but I still love her more than anything and when those things aren't happening life is absolute bliss.

I just feel like this is a catch 22, I have tried every reasonable way of talking to her about how I feel but she has never had any of it, at best she has appologised once or twice for individual events, but the problem is because she is not malicious and because she means well she refuses to believe there is a problem and always always always just tells me it's me misunderstanding things.

But actions speak louder than words, you know as well as I there's no way the things I've mentioned won't get someone down

I know if I can learn not to be upset by it then we won't ever have these problems. I welcome any advice from anyone, I will try anything!!

[waveseer]

Originally Posted by Anonybrit

Please, I really want to know how to deal with it. You know when you can just tell someone will never change? When it's just too core to their personality, they just won't be able to shake it? That's the feeling I get with her, but I still love her more than anything and when those things aren't happening life is absolute bliss.

I just feel like this is a catch 22, I have tried every reasonable way of talking to her about how I feel but she has never had any of it, at best she has appologised once or twice for individual events, but the problem is because she is not malicious and because she means well she refuses to believe there is a problem and always always always just tells me it's me misunderstanding things.

But actions speak louder than words, you know as well as I there's no way the things I've mentioned won't get someone down

I know if I can learn not to be upset by it then we won't ever have these problems. I welcome any advice from anyone, I will try anything!!

The things that trigger your anger response, what are they exactly? You mentioned her talking about you on a public forum. Is she naming names? Do you resent that she isn't coming to you first? Please explain so that I can help.

[Anonybrit]

Originally Posted by waveseer

The things that trigger your anger response, what are they exactly? You mentioned her talking about you on a public forum. Is she naming names? Do you resent that she isn't coming to you first? Please explain so that I can help.

Ok, sorry I haven't explained it that well.

I don't mind at all that she was discussing our relationship on that forum, she didn't name names or anything, she just wanted some points of view. It's not a relationship discussion forum though, it's a rather unpleasant place actually designed mainly to gossip about the goings-on on another forum. She told the story from her perspective and the guys all flooded to her defense, and about 3 pages of constant insults to me, someone they had never met, ensued. People saying things like they had fancied my girlfriend before but now they wouldn't touch her because she'd been "tainted" by me, etc. Unbelievable that she likes that site to be honest but anyway, you get my drift, they said horrible things.

So I said to her that if she came down and used it when she was around me it would upset me and cause arguments, and asked her not to use it when she came down.

Instead of her thinking "ok, he has asked me not to use a website for a few days while I'm with him, this must obviously be because of the things said on that site and that it would be upsetting to see me typing away on it while in bed with him" see explodes, tells me that I am being controlling and horrible and that she doesn't want to see me anymore.

... it's just a forum, roles reversed, even without all the insults on it, it's nothing more than a forum to me and if she asked me not to use it around her because it'd upset her it wouldn't even cross my mind to say anything other than "ok sweetie"!!!

I try to piece together all these types of things to figure out what the common factor is in it all, and I can only boil it down to two things, firstly that she basically views me as an oponent, an enemy. Her relationship with her mother and sister has often been very very poor and she is almost always defending herself from accusations so I think maybe this would explain her viewing me as an enemy whenever an issue arises, rather than her boyfriend that just wants us both to be happy.

Secondly I think she just doesn't appreciate how much effort I put into the relationship and so doesn't put the same amount in herself, not just financially or physically but emotionally too. I make her breakfast in bed every day, I think I can just about remember a single time she offered to do that for me. When she goes abroad she makes no effort to get a phone card and stay in touch regularly, whilst she expects me to contact her often and I do - it's not because she doesn't try, and in itself these are individually small things, but she won't tolerate even one from me so I am left feeling really under-appreciated when these are all combined.

She expects me to be understanding of every gaf that she makes, for example if she says something that comes across wrong I am not allowed to be upset about it because it would make her feel guilty and that would be wrong, so she will become either angry or upset and I end up comforting her. I am not allowed to express sadness at something she has done at any time, ever, be it something tiny or something huge.

If she doesn't get what she wants eg. if she can't find a pair of shoes she wanted, she will take it out on me and be grumpy and cold, but she expects me to be the absolute pinnacle of calm and fair behavior at all times, and I do resist tantrums and strops and always try to appease her and make her happy at all times when we are together.


I swear to god all these things are true, but if you were to ask her she'd either say that I had misunderstood her somehow, or that it was a one off that she appologised for and never happened again.

But it always happens again, even at times when everything should be so perfect, like the time I took her on a surprise holiday abroad for her birthday, something I had planned to the very last detail and that cost me a lot of money! (I am just a student)



It's because I can't help but always try to make things as perfect as possible for us when we are together that I just cannot bare it when she doesn't do the same, and these things build up in my mind over weeks and weeks because she never admits fault and never wants to talk about things, and then when we are long distance again and things get difficult, an argument will start and all that resentment will push me over the edge and I do something completely horrible and unjustifiable that pushes her further away and makes happiness look more and more impossible for me to ever achieve.......

I am so so miserable right now, you wouldn't believe, I gave this relationship my ALL, it was my first real relationship and I really love this girl, I just can't believe how it has turned out... She is a brilliant girl, so caring and sweet and funny and incredibly smart. She's adventurous and open minded and will try anything once. I just can't live with the feeling that she takes me for granted and won't go out of her way for me as much as I will for her.

[waveseer]

You and she are like oil and water. She could stand to either mature a bit or find someone who doesn't care as much as you do, or both. You could stand to address the underlying issues, namely being in bed together and focused on other things and respecting yourself enough to participate only in more balanced relationships that meet your needs. From what you've written you are not being too demanding, but the incredible amount of frustration that any one of us can build up by not being true to ourselves can cause insane behavior.

[Anonybrit]

Originally Posted by waveseer

You and she are like oil and water. She could stand to either mature a bit or find someone who doesn't care as much as you do, or both. You could stand to address the underlying issues, namely being in bed together and focused on other things and respecting yourself enough to participate only in more balanced relationships that meet your needs. From what you've written you are not being too demanding, but the incredible amount of frustration that any one of us can build up by not being true to ourselves can cause insane behavior.

Exactly! Exactly... Christ it feels so good to hear someone understanding what I am getting at.

You are exactly right that I am sure there are people our there that would care less and that could live with her doing these things without getting miserable - whilst at the same time I really don't think I am wrong to want or expect things to be different and am justified in being upset when these things happen.

The only thing I will say is that she has always held me to incredibly high standards, she won't tolerate even so much as a slightly negative tone without becoming really unhappy with me. I am not sure if this is just a feature of her relationship with me or if she'd be like that with anyone, but it just seems unbalanced..

In this sense we are oil and water, she rubs me up exactly the wrong way and I don't know if she can ever change, and I will always be hurt and frustrated by it and yes, frustration can lead to unbelievable behavior - especially with the dehumanising element of long distance. I believe I can stop that insane behavior being me doing horrible, hurtful things to her, but I don't believe I can stop it from upsetting me at all.

I am also very poor at being patient when she needs to take time out to think or get over something, I just want to get things over asap and this can often lead to further arguments, and that's something I have to work on.. I get far too frantic... I can't bare even a single day of no contact, it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind

I have basically spelt out the text book example of a relationship that can never work But in every other way we are perfect for each other and that is why up until now we have always kept going

I want there to be a solution to this in which we can be together AND be happy more than I have wanted anything else in my entire life...

[waveseer]

Originally Posted by Anonybrit

Exactly! Exactly... Christ it feels so good to hear someone understanding what I am getting at.

You are exactly right that I am sure there are people our there that would care less and that could live with her doing these things without getting miserable - whilst at the same time I really don't think I am wrong to want or expect things to be different and am justified in being upset when these things happen.

The only thing I will say is that she has always held me to incredibly high standards, she won't tolerate even so much as a slightly negative tone without becoming really unhappy with me. I am not sure if this is just a feature of her relationship with me or if she'd be like that with anyone, but it just seems unbalanced..

In this sense we are oil and water, she rubs me up exactly the wrong way and I don't know if she can ever change, and I will always be hurt and frustrated by it and yes, frustration can lead to unbelievable behavior - especially with the dehumanising element of long distance.



I have basically spelt out the text book example of a relationship that can never work But in every other way we are perfect for each other and that is why up until now we have always kept going

I want there to be a solution to this in which we can be together AND be happy more than I have wanted anything else in my entire life...

Since you are not capable of caring any less it would fall to her to treat you better. I'm not sure she's ready, willing, and able to do that. You could ask her if your relationship means enough to her to work on with you, but if she insists that you are the problem then it's not a real relationship. It takes two to tango.