UPDATE: Stepdaughter Molested Daughter

[brokenpogostick]

UPDATE: Stepdaughter Molested Daughter - Families/Parenting & Families

I got a chance to speak to my daughter last night and she told me that nothing has happened since the last incident we knew about where my stepdaughter was touching her inappropriately. This is a huge sigh of relief, however, it's still hard to stomach that it even happened in the first place. I made sure to reinforce to my daughter that if it should ever happen again that she needs to be strong and give her a firm NO and that she needs to come talk to my husband or I or whatever other adult may be present immediately. I'm still a little leery of her safety, but I have to accept the situation for what it is.

I love and care for them both, but it is so hard some days to even have my stepdaughter in my presence because I feel so much anger. I try to hide it, but I know she can tell. I think I need to talk to her about why I'm irritable with her a lot of the time. I'm in counseling trying to sort out my feelings and get past this horrific ordeal. The first few visits did not seem promising. I'm going to give the therapist one more visit and if it doesn't seem to help I'll have to find another one.

She is also in counseling which I'm going to get for her more frequently. Currently, she is going every 2 to 4 weeks which is clearly not enough. We also have a home-based counselor that comes in every 2 or 3 weeks, but I feel that she is a waste of time. Probably time to find a new one.

The frustration and anger is not just for the fact that the abuse occurred in the first place, but also with the fact that my stepdaughter has behavioral issues that we've tried to deal with and fix, but seem to be an ongoing struggle. We deal with the same behaviors over and over - almost on a daily basis.

I'm a stay-at-home mom so I get to deal with 90% of the issues in the house. I don't have the most patience and repeating myself is a major pet peeve. None of my kids are perfect, but my stepdaughter really knows how to push buttons. I am getting tired of dealing with her behavioral issues.

She is not openly defiant. She doesn't yell, hit, throw things, etc. (Thank god!) She will just get a directive such as please do your chores and she will go off and play or do something else entirely. It's more of a passive defiance. It's like it would kill her to pay attention or listen. We can tell her something specific and have her repeat it so that we know she understands and 10 minutes later she's not doing what she's supposed to.

These are the everyday behaviors that are small, but annoying to deal with constantly. Every couple months she gets into stealing from other members of the house and getting involved with lies. Usually, the items that she steals are mine such as my MP3 player, shoes, clothes, money, etc.

She is not a stupid child - rather very intelligent. She was getting great grades up until a few years ago. Now, she is a straight F student. It's not because she doesn't understand we don't think - it's more of she is distracted by friends/boys/whatever or that she isn't paying attention or she just doesn't do her work (at school or at home).

We've tried grounding, we've tried taking privileges, we've tried a point system, we've tried giving money for good grades, we've tried positive reinforcement, we've tried natural consequences - we're stumped. Nothing seems to be breaking through with this child.

Does anyone have any ideas?

[savignon]

Did your therapist suggest you confront your step-daughter?? I would be surprised if he/she didn't suggest that...??
Your step-daughters behavior and sudden change in behavior plus straight Fs suggest something has happened to her, as these are all the red flags and warnings. Usually young kids who molest other children have been molested themselves.
I hope she and your daughter and your family are able to get the right guidance so that all can heal from this.

[brokenpogostick]

Ok, I have a sort of a rant and I apologize.

This is an example of the crap that my stepdaughter does that drives me into a rage.

Just a little bit ago, my daughter asked if I would play softball with her. We went to the garage and got the tee and the gear. I was digging through the bag for my softball mitt and I couldn't find it.

This summer, my stepdaughter played softball on a league and I let her use my mitt because she couldn't afford one of her own and we needed one quickly. I looked in her softball bag and couldn't find it, looked in the entryway, etc. Nowhere to be found.

I had my husband call her because she's visiting her grandparents out of town right now. Of course, she had no idea where it was. My softball mitt was very expensive and important to me.

What pisses me off is that she borrows my things all the time. Whatever it is is usually either broken, lost or stained by the time I get it back. When I get angry and tell her she cannot borrow my things anymore, she resorts to stealing them.

How do I control my anger when this crap happens quite frequently?

Grrrrr......

[brokenpogostick]

Originally Posted by Southern

One thought that I had while reading your post is that perhaps she is so defiant because it pushes your buttons. She sees that you're annoyed and irritated; therefore, she wins. When I acted up as a kid, I can remember that my parents would have NONE of it. They would either just be like, "not gonna listen? Fine. Get in your room," and they'd take away anything I would want to play with in there. They'd check on me a bit later. If I still had an attitude, it was, "Fine. You're not eating with the family tonight. You can stay in here til tomorrow if you like, but you're not coming out til you're pleasant and respectful." They would never show that they were flustered. But I was bored, lonely, and hungry. My attitude would change very quickly after that.

There's another thing that I'm hesitant to add, cuz I'm sure I'll get railed for it. But I'm just gonna share something else that I remember from when I was acting up. It was usually when things were stressful around the house and tensions were high (I'm the baby of 5, so it was chaotic quite often). If I would misbehave when my mom or dad were NOT in the mood for it, or if I wouldn't do my chores when I was told, they would raise their voice and tell me again to do my chores in this tone that ALL of us kids knew very well. It was the "I'm not in the mood for your games, and I will beat your ass to a pulp if you don't listen pronto!" tone. I'm not sure if your daughter is conditioned to respond to that one, but we suuuure did.

I like your suggestion of taking the emotion out and sending her to her room if she decides she's not going to follow the rules. We had actually been experimenting with that a bit before she left for her grandma's. I'll speak to my husband and I'm sure he will agree that this will be a low stress approach to the situation. So, how long would you be in your room for following an incident?

Perhaps my stepdaughter is conditioned to respond to the threats/drama because part of the abuse she suffered from her biological mother was getting yelled at.

We'll put your ideas in motion when she comes back & I'll keep you updated on that one, Southern. Thank you

[needadvice911]

Originally Posted by savignon

Did your therapist suggest you confront your step-daughter?? I would be surprised if he/she didn't suggest that...??
Your step-daughters behavior and sudden change in behavior plus straight Fs suggest something has happened to her, as these are all the red flags and warnings. Usually young kids who molest other children have been molested themselves.
I hope she and your daughter and your family are able to get the right guidance so that all can heal from this.

I totally agree. This is usually how it is. If a child is molesting another child its usually because someone introduced it to her. Where is her mother? This could also be the problem. When one of the parents are not in the picture you can sometimes have a rebellious child on hand. She might see her younger sister getting love from both parents. She might need that motherly love from her mother if she is not getting it. She could feel really out of place. How old is your step daughter and your younger daughter? Negative energy towards your step daughter is the wrong way to go. I think she needs to talk to someone who she can 100% trust. Where she knows she's not going to get into trouble for telling her darkest secret or her true motives for behaving the way she does. Once she can be open to explaining how she feels without being punished for it. Then the healing process will start. But the problem is you need to know why she is behaving this way. How does she feel about her mother. And her sister? How does she feel about you and her her father? Does she feel left out? Maybe she needs a bit more attention. One on one bonding with each member of the family could help. But giving negative energy will only make it worst. I know you must be pissed off, but try to be happy that you found out this was happening in the the first place. Its a process the entire family will have to go through, but the anger has to be released and love and understanding and healing must enter. I wish you the very best, this is a very difficult situation.

I also agree if you are not happy with your therapist find another one. There should be goals that you all are trying to reach. Changes and goals should be the point of therapy. You should start of with where you are now and where you want to be in a month or two. How you would like your relationships to change within the family. And then you can work with the therapist on talking about these problems and feelings and finding a way to do it.

My prayers are with you

[needadvice911]

Originally Posted by brokenpogostick

Ok, I have a sort of a rant and I apologize.

This is an example of the crap that my stepdaughter does that drives me into a rage.

Just a little bit ago, my daughter asked if I would play softball with her. We went to the garage and got the tee and the gear. I was digging through the bag for my softball mitt and I couldn't find it.

This summer, my stepdaughter played softball on a league and I let her use my mitt because she couldn't afford one of her own and we needed one quickly. I looked in her softball bag and couldn't find it, looked in the entryway, etc. Nowhere to be found.

I had my husband call her because she's visiting her grandparents out of town right now. Of course, she had no idea where it was. My softball mitt was very expensive and important to me.

What pisses me off is that she borrows my things all the time. Whatever it is is usually either broken, lost or stained by the time I get it back. When I get angry and tell her she cannot borrow my things anymore, she resorts to stealing them.

How do I control my anger when this crap happens quite frequently?

Grrrrr......

This example is something that every child is capable of. Not that she is just a problematic child, but anyone could do this. She probably needs someone to talk to. Maybe no one ever taught her at a young age how to ask permission for things and take care of it and then return it. She probably doesn't care about life and doesn't care about anyone. She might have a real self esteem issue. If someone doesn't care about themselves they are not going to take care of their own belongings or someone elses. Or maybe she's not in the habit of putting things in the proper place. If you make her feel comfortable and I know its hard when you have your own biological child to look after, but maybe trying to feel closer to her or establishing a real bond with her will help the both of you communicate better

[savignon]

Understandably, you're very hurt and angry. At the same time, instead of coming up with new ways to punish her, make sure she's getting the help she needs. That has way more potential to get to the root of the problem than just leaving her to stew in her room. If she was abused by her mom, she probably feels like a "bad kid" and will therefore act like one, especially to spoil your and your daugthers perfect little lives (as it might seem to her).
I'm sorry you're daughter has suffered what she has. It's sad when little kids have to grow up too fast. I repeat that I strongly believe your step-daughter has suffered her own trauma and is acting out and failing school to send out some red flags. Those plus the molestation strongly point to her having been abused herself.
Try to remember that she is a little girl who doesn't have the loving mother that your daughter has who wants to listen and protect her and be in her corner. She is surely a devastated and broken little girl, even though I'm sure it's very hard to keep that in mind when she's acting like she wants to destroy everything around her.

[Sunflour]

I understand your frustration, but my heart aches for your stepdaughter too. Is it any wonder this girl is acting out in every possible inappropriate way? According to your other thread, she was sexually abused by her own mother and a boyfriend of the mother by the time she was 9 years old.

This is an abused and broken child. Please do all you can to get her the help she needs.There's no way that therapy every 2-4 weeks is sufficient for this kid.

What is your husband's involvement in all of this? What does he say about the situation? This is his daughter--is he participating in her therapy, and/or in addressing the problems she's having?

[Car Chick]

How old are your daughter and step-daughter?

I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but I think it's horrible that you are forcing your daughter to live with the person who comitted such a horrible crime against her. Did you even think about how that might affect her?

You have the step-daughter in counseling, which is good, but I think your daughter could use it too after all that she's gone through.

What has your husbaund done about it?

[Car Chick]

Originally Posted by Sunflour

I understand your frustration, but my heart aches for your stepdaughter too. Is it any wonder this girl is acting out in every possible inappropriate way? According to your other thread, she was sexually abused by her own mother and a boyfriend of the mother by the time she was 9 years old.

This is an abused and broken child. Please do all you can to get her the help she needs.There's no way that therapy every 2-4 weeks is sufficient for this kid.

What is your husband's involvement in all of this? What does he say about the situation? This is his daughter--is he participating in her therapy, and/or in addressing the problems she's having?

She knows how horrible it is to be abused and yet she did that to someone else. She knowingly put another person through the worst possible pain that anyone could suffer. I don't feel sorry for her at all. I wouldn't let her anywhere near my daughter, my home, or myself.