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How to be/become Emotionally Distant?


mintblossom

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I've always been the type that falls too easily, too quickly, too fast, and cares too much. After having been stupid, naive, and burned too much...I want to be emotionally distant now. I don't want to get attached to anyone, I don't want to care, I don't want to open up, and I don't want to see anyone too often.

 

Please give me tips on how to be and stay emotionally distant. I enjoy attraction and flirting, but I just don't want to have real feelings anymore.

 

I waver between wanting to get to know someone and bolting...

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Why would you want to be like that? Life is about ups and downs. Okay there is some pain involved but surely the gains are worth it?

 

Look around these boards, especially the abuse ones and the breakup ones and read the stories of people who fell for someone that became ambivalent, nonchalant and inconsiderate to their needs.

 

Trust me, it is no walk in the park being involved with somebody like that.

 

Is that really something to aspire to? Sure, life gets hard but we all have our battles.

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Please don't... I'd give anything to be like you.

 

I can be as cold as anything, and find it hard to feel without bounds... there's always some trust issue/cynicism holding me back, and I just wanna give my all. I'm with the perfect guy right now, but still keep one foot on the ground just in case. One day I'll be full of love, then the next it's like my brain's forced that love out and made me cold again... it's hard.

 

Someone will love you for how you are, and I bet loads of people already do.

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I know exactly what you mean...but I dont think there's an actual way not to have feelings. If it were like a switch I am sure that a lot of us would turn it off more often. I am myself trying to figure out how not to seem too needy...

 

I am pretty confident regardless of how some of my posts might have come off...I mean is it so wrong to feel that you have found a great person and you just want to make sure you dont drive them off? Don't worry and dont give up because I am sure that something great is around the corner for you...

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OP, the reason you don't have problems getting close to people is because it's something that is enjoyable. I have always been the opposite of you. I struggle to get closer to people and while being emotionally distant makes you safer, you don't get to experience that wonderful feeling you get from loving someone with all your heart.

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I agree with greywolf and mintblossom but how do do this and not seem like you are too needy? I posted something earlier and the responses that I got were that I seemed like I was not confident at all. I am very good at recognizing my faults believe me...

 

I was just asking cause I finally met a guy who I can be this way with and he seems to be the same however I dont want to push him away...

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I've always been the type that falls too easily, too quickly, too fast, and cares too much. After having been stupid, naive, and burned too much...I want to be emotionally distant now. I don't want to get attached to anyone, I don't want to care, I don't want to open up, and I don't want to see anyone too often.

 

Please give me tips on how to be and stay emotionally distant. I enjoy attraction and flirting, but I just don't want to have real feelings anymore.

 

I waver between wanting to get to know someone and bolting...

 

Trust me when I say you don't want to learn to become this way...

 

I'm like this, and I regret it because I've been fighting for about 2 years now to try and get back to feeling...

 

I've given myself(at least the only thing I can find to describe it) alexithymia... and I do not feel. I can get angry, upset, but emotions don't overcome me whatsoever and I don't get rises(adrenaline) or anything. In the best way to describe it, I *know* I've got an emotion going, but I can't feel it. Like knowing I'm angry, but not feeling the affects of it... same goes with love or anything else...(which makes it easy to ignore, or shut off the thought quite quickly)

 

I don't know how I did it other than convincing myself I never wanted to feel again and drowning myself in emotionlessness... I promise you, you do NOT want to be like me, or like that... you will regret it. It still causes problems in my relationship now to this day because I don't process or understand feelings. It made me just sleep around, and it gave no meaning to anything, not even sex. It's quite dangerous, and can lead to other types of dangerous thought to become this way.

 

All in all... give up this notion, you do not want this.

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I know exactly what you are going though...I went through it myself about a year ago...but believe me when I say it will get better. For now it might be a good idea to focus on other things besides me...maybe pick up a hobbie, spend more time with your friends and family. That helped me a lot. I recently met a wonderful guy who actually made me want to open up again, things seem to be going well but I know I am taking a chance and it could end badly. Just have faith that when the time is right somethng great will happen. I am sure of it. All I can say is be patient....I know its hard...

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hey mint i am exactly like that. i wanted to do the exact same thing... its not a bad thing to want that and do it but doing it for a long time of course is.. this is what i did i did it.. i set my priorities and went to college.. i kept myself busy with college and work tat helped me out tons.. but the funny thing is i end up meeting a girl.. and i wasnt looking for it.. and what i did in this relationship that i didnt do in my others was to fall so easily to starting liking right away the exact opposite of what and how i normally act. and now its been almost a year and im happily with my girl still.. another thing though while in the relationship is to not get carried away and neglect their feelings.

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I honestly, really would like to shut off any feeling when it comes to men. With friends and family, I love them to pieces. But I just don't want to be attached to men at all.

 

Unless you're just in it for the sex, then you might as well not date if that's how you feel.

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Maybe you should just take a break from dating.

 

It's been a long break...couple years already. I've been feeling asexual for so long. All of that shut down for a long time. I'm only now starting to even feel attraction and flirting and a sense of power from being attractive. But I don't ever want to be attached or care again. I only want to work on my life.

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I honestly, really would like to shut off any feeling when it comes to men. With friends and family, I love them to pieces. But I just don't want to be attached to men at all.

 

mint... greywolf and I are not kidding, the pain from being in love or emotion from missing/breaking up/dating someone--is something I WISH I had... give up this idea and be grateful for the feelings.

 

The grass is SOOOO much darker on the other side--- you have no idea what you're talking about to think this is what you want.

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Lunar an Mint - I am the exact same way and I am in the exact same situation as Lunar. It is very hard to find a balance. Is is also hard to not allow emotions to overcome you, if that is in your nature or a part of your personality. I am battling with the same issue.

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sigh.......I am being told I don't want to be emotionally distant when that is what I wish for.....that lever to shut off feelings.

 

If that's what you want then you're going to have to learn to rationallize all emotions until it becomes second nature. This also means you're going to have to give up on nice emotions like feeling happy, excited, etc.

 

I have to consciously allow myself to feel excited about something and it's not easy. It's hard to fight the instinct of not feeling it at all. Consider if that's something you want.

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sigh.......I am being told I don't want to be emotionally distant when that is what I wish for.....that lever to shut off feelings.

 

Because what most people don't realize... is it's not a lever...

 

If you do it, you can/may spend much more time trying to get them back... as I've told you, it's been 2 years since I noticed what I'd done to myself, and I'm better, but still not there... nowhere near what I was before.

 

If you do it, it may be permanent--not shut off and on at your discretion.

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