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In love with a Muslim man..


Janne

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I am a Christian girl and I have a Muslim boyfriend, who is my fiance now..

We've dated with for almost 3 years by now and last year we got engaged officially at his family's house.

Our relationship was like a pure fairy tale, we never discussed any religious issues and that differences in religions can be an issue between us, we used to agree on everything, and shared all our views together; until the official engagement, when my Lebanese 'prince' suddenly turned into a more possessive type.. He suddenly implemented a subject of religion as # 1 item on our agenda list.. And asked me if i was ready to convert to Islam yet?

I said I wasn't, and not sure that i will want to, and I didn't feel great to be pushed on this matter.. I am not that religious though but still...

Then he said that if i don't take Islam, we will probably not be able to get married, coz his family will never accept this and he also wanted to raise kids in Islam.

Well, he is not that strict a Muslim, practicing just basic things like 1 week praying and Ramadan, and i won't have to cover.. But still..

I respect his religion.. why can't he respect mine??

We used to love each other so devotely and still our love is so strong, and i can't imagine that we will have to break up eventually coz of this religious matter..

He is waiting for me to change.. But didn't he fall in love with the "old" me? With who i was already?..

I read dozens of articles on this subject "Western lady - Muslim man",

and i can't understand, WHY does it seem to be such a common pattern of events, when Christian girl and Muslim guy's fabulous relationship suddenly turns into a hell of arguments and religious issues obstacles, when it comes to a wedding?..

What is the best advice for me, and for us both in this case? Shall we break up now, or maybe we still have a chance?

Can i still convince him somehow that i don't convert into Islam and we can still get married?...

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When two people embark on an interfaith marriage then these kinds of discussions need to be had long before the relationship gets serious. The problem is that both of you swept it under the rug...you assuming he would be fine if you followed your own religion, he was assuming you would ultimately convert for him and follow his religion. Both of you feel strongly about your respective positions and in something like this compromise is not really possible because this kind of issue goes to the core of a person's being. I think perhaps it is time for you two to go your separate ways because for either of you to compromise would lead to major resentment and unhappiness.

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You are in for a VERY VERY rocky road from now on. This seems to be a very common thing that once you get engaged, things can change literally overnight and you find your loving man is a totally different person.

 

I highly doubt you will EVER manage to convince him that you can still get married if you don't convert. he will not stand for it and is against his beliefs. You either convert, or he (and his family) will not accept it. The writing is on the wall with this one (imo) and you should think very very carefully about your future.

 

If it were me, I'd end it as I don't think you have a chance here. (I could be wrong of course, but I've seen this type of thing happen too many times and it always ended in disaster).

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What would he say if you tell him that although you love him, you are not willing to convert to a faith you don't believe in?

 

It's a big red flag to me that he expect you to be the one making the big changes & concessions in this marriage. If he can't accept as his wife the same person he fell in love with and proposed to, I think you're headed for big trouble. Perhaps some counseling with a therapist who has experience with cross-cultural couples would be helpful?

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May be you should ask him to convert to your religion?

 

I have seen many of these marriages as I lived in that part of world but to tell you the truth, they all are just compromise and you are never going to be happy in it.

 

My advice - walk away since even though you marry him and don’t change your religion, this religion thing will always be there and will always be a sour spot in your relationship.

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May be you should ask him to convert to your religion?.

I knew a woman who suggested her b/f convert (he's muslin) and he almost turned violent on her with shock and disbelief that she should even suggest such a thing. He was horrified and looked down on her with such contempt. She left him soon after she saw the other side of him.

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People who are very strongly mired in their religion, no matter what religion, may expect their partner to convert to their religion and bring up the children according to their religion. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be of your own religion and raise the children as such..but if those are a person's beliefs then they should not be dating outside of their religion. If they date outside of their religion then they should not have an expectation that their partner convert. The partner should only convert if they really want to, not because they were forced into it for 'love and marriage".

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People who are very strongly mired in their religion, no matter what religion, may expect their partner to convert to their religion and bring up the children according to their religion. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be of your own religion and raise the children as such..but if those are a person's beliefs then they should not be dating outside of their religion. If they date outside of their religion then they should not have an expectation that their partner convert. The partner should only convert if they really want to, not because they were forced into it for 'love and marriage".

 

Why one should expect their partner to change religion? I thought love was all about accepting you for what you really are???

 

That is such an outlandish thing to expect someone to change their religion so that you can marry them.

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Why one should expect their partner to change religion? I thought love was all about accepting you for what you really are???

 

That is such an outlandish thing to expect someone to change their religion so that you can marry them.

 

 

I agree with you...but that is just what some people expect..and that is not right to impose their religious views on their partner.

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I have Muslim family members and friends. One thing I can say about this is they are EXTREMELY loyal to their religion. I have never met a "not so strict" muslim. Even if they dont pray everyday, they still feel very strong about their beliefs.

 

Saying this, I honestly do not think this marriage will work unless one converts to another. I am not one of those ppl that say "break up" right away. I do think some things can be worked out but this is not one of them. If you do not see yourself as a Muslim and he can not see himself as a Christian this is not going to work. The reason is that both religions have fundamental differences in their beliefs.

 

Have you been to a Masque? Has he been to church with you before? Maybe you guys can start off by learning more about each other religions and going from there. I wouldnt make any plans to marry until this is resolved.

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Thank you all for the insigtful supportive comments!

Concerning my fiance's converting to Christianity.. (lol) not likely at all.. when i just suggested him to view this possibility (to put himself in my shoes), he simply froaned and went silent and gloomy, and replied nothing. Then in a while he hugged me again and reminded me just how much he loved me and he hates us fighting...

I start to think now that some Muslim Arab guys, liberal and very affectionate on the surface, in fact are big emotional manipulators.. They don't do it on purpose, but they just know exactly what buttons to push with girls to make them fall head over hills in love, and then the new Episode of 'rules and demands' starts..

First they are soo loving, caring, giving, supportive.. then, they expect of you to 'pay back', by giving away ur beliefs, ur attitudes, and eventually, ur personality...

(All this is going on with them on a subconscious level though...)

 

Yes, they should really never be looking for brides outside of their religious domain! They make Christian girls suffer and in the end they suffer themselves, by losing a few year relationship.. If a girl don't give in and convert.

 

I know it all, and it seems easy now to talk about it in general.. But we are a 'personal case', and.. God it feels so painful! I am so confused and frustrated now... Cause we both do love each other crazily and the idea of breakup seems horrifying.. We tried it before, assuming it'd be better for us both after we encountered this religious issue, but then we came back together cause neither of us could get over each other and start to see someone else...

I talked to a counselor already ;-/ And i just wish my fiance could do the same... But he doesn't 'believe' in psychology (lol), he believes in his religion only...

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I know one thing, he will definitely never convert from Islam. Also, at any stage in the future, he could become more strict in his religion, and expect you to do more, cover, etc. His family would be a big influence There would be a lot of pressure for you to take on islamic ways, and then there would probably be bad feeling if you stood against that. I would advise you to reconsider the marriage. Personally, I'm very fond of muslem people and like their way of life (mostly), but if you're not willing to convert, I think its pretty well doomed. You would not have custody of the children in the event of a divorce. This is just the way it is, so think seriously before committing. I think you already have the gut feeling that there could be problems.

 

From what I know of muslems, he would think it in your own best interest to convert. He would think it absolutely the only right thing to happen, and he would feel very deeply and strongly about that, even if he's not a strict muslem. His religion comes first.

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Have you been to a Masque? Has he been to church with you before?

 

Yes, we do know everything about each other's religions, and he just keeps pointing at how flawless Islam is while Bible was all overriten etc ;(

 

Well, I don't think Islam is a bad religion, on the contrary some things in it seem reasonable.. but it's not mine. I've lived more than 20 years of my life in a Christian culture...

But muslims are sticking to their holly book, and they are thought from early childhood that ISlam is te only true, authentic confession.

Sometimes i think that i rather have no religion at all, than arguing, scrutinizing and chosing "the right God"...

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Do his parents know of your religion, could you maybe talk to them about it?

 

Yes they know I am a Christian, and he told them from the first place that I was interested in Islam, so they accepted me very warmly, probably thinking that by marrying their son I will convert to Islam 'on default'..

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Religion is BIG in Muslim culture. The Koran heavily emphasizes converting those who are not, otherwise they are seen as the infidel. I agree with others that this is a serious red flag in the relationship... not only is does he want to covert you, but so does HIS family. You will be converting faith just to please your man and his family... not because you accept it. IMO, that's wrong on so many levels.

 

I would walk. Religion is important when it comes to establishing a family unit. I agree with Crazyaboutdogs that this should of been discussed BEFORE getting serious. Interfaith marriages are difficult to work out... I rarely have heard or seen successful marriages happen because both partners hold different beliefs. Once you add kids to the equation, it becomes a mess!

 

 

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!!!! Good luck converting someone who comes from a strong Islam background. The Koran even states that if you don't successfully convert someone, you should kill that person. I read the Koran... and I'm not kidding. I'm not saying that all Muslims practice that aspect, but the Koran asserts a point that followers of Islam do not accept people of outside religions mingling with their own affairs. That's Ideology for you.

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From what I know of muslems, he would think it in your own best interest to convert. He would think it absolutely the only right thing to happen, and he would feel very deeply and strongly about that, even if he's not a strict muslem. His religion comes first.

 

Thank you so much for ur wise words!

 

Yes I also like the way of family life of some muslims, where women don't cover, they are respected and loved, and their families have so strong ties..

But yes, muslims do tend to grow more religious with age...

 

Yes, and he did say that converting to Islam is for My own good! (lol) because he wishes only the best for me, and this is the best..

I was almost taken aback, realizing that he thinks now he knows 'what is better for me', and he will start commanding my life...

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Thank you so much for ur wise words!

 

Yes I also like the way of family life of some muslims, where women don't cover, they are respected and loved, and their families have so strong ties..

But yes, muslims do tend to grow more religious with age...

 

Yes, and he did say that converting to Islam is for My own good! (lol) because he wishes only the best for me, and this is the best..

I was almost taken aback, realizing that he thinks now he knows 'what is better for me', and he will start commanding my life...

 

Sadly, I will have to say they believe in dominating their women. Only more rules and restrictions will come. When my friend (christian) who married her Muslim husband, he told her she cant do anything without him bc she is now married. Granted, he is not from America and that is a cultural belief. But he wasnt like that before they got married. Dont get me wrong, hes a great man but does have that mentality.

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Good luck converting someone who comes from a strong Islam background. The Koran even states that if you don't successfully convert someone, you should kill that person.

 

Holly true

Koran does teach this. And even though modern muslims almost don't practice this kinds of infidel murders, or execusion of the muslims who unconverted..

But they do agree that this is the right thing to do..

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Yes, and he did say that converting to Islam is for My own good! (lol) because he wishes only the best for me, and this is the best..

I was almost taken aback, realizing that he thinks now he knows 'what is better for me', and he will start commanding my life...

 

Oh Hell no!

 

This would cross into the lines of controlling. He wants you to convert because it's what's "best for you." How dare he makes that decision for you? You should be the one to decide on that yourself.

 

Yea, he taking control your life with ideology excuses. Put on your running shoes.

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Puhh, I just wonder what is the percentage of Western women who managed to work out a successful marriage with muslims?..

 

And I wonder, if I break up with my fiance, will I manage to get over it somehow by myself or I will have to hire a psychotherapist to help me survive..

 

Leaving Him, would feel like I'm cutting a big peace off my life, I will end up on the edge of emotional abyss, I feel this is even harder than breaking up with him..

Although i don't think i am a weak woman...

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If he moped around and got upset when you suggested he converted to Christianity, yet STILL expects you to convert.....

 

I wouldn't marry a hypocrite who can't see things from my point of view.

 

 

Well, don't you see? He's saving her, so of course he's right and she is not.

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