In love with a Muslim man..

Janne · 08-07-2009, 09:01 AM

I am a Christian girl and I have a Muslim boyfriend, who is my fiance now..
We've dated with for almost 3 years by now and last year we got engaged officially at his family's house.
Our relationship was like a pure fairy tale, we never discussed any religious issues and that differences in religions can be an issue between us, we used to agree on everything, and shared all our views together; until the official engagement, when my Lebanese 'prince' suddenly turned into a more possessive type.. He suddenly implemented a subject of religion as # 1 item on our agenda list.. And asked me if i was ready to convert to Islam yet?
I said I wasn't, and not sure that i will want to, and I didn't feel great to be pushed on this matter.. I am not that religious though but still...
Then he said that if i don't take Islam, we will probably not be able to get married, coz his family will never accept this and he also wanted to raise kids in Islam.
Well, he is not that strict a Muslim, practicing just basic things like 1 week praying and Ramadan, and i won't have to cover.. But still..
I respect his religion.. why can't he respect mine??
We used to love each other so devotely and still our love is so strong, and i can't imagine that we will have to break up eventually coz of this religious matter..
He is waiting for me to change.. But didn't he fall in love with the "old" me? With who i was already?..
I read dozens of articles on this subject "Western lady - Muslim man",
and i can't understand, WHY does it seem to be such a common pattern of events, when Christian girl and Muslim guy's fabulous relationship suddenly turns into a hell of arguments and religious issues obstacles, when it comes to a wedding?..
What is the best advice for me, and for us both in this case? Shall we break up now, or maybe we still have a chance?
Can i still convince him somehow that i don't convert into Islam and we can still get married?...

Crazyaboutdogs · 08-07-2009, 09:13 AM

When two people embark on an interfaith marriage then these kinds of discussions need to be had long before the relationship gets serious. The problem is that both of you swept it under the rug...you assuming he would be fine if you followed your own religion, he was assuming you would ultimately convert for him and follow his religion. Both of you feel strongly about your respective positions and in something like this compromise is not really possible because this kind of issue goes to the core of a person's being. I think perhaps it is time for you two to go your separate ways because for either of you to compromise would lead to major resentment and unhappiness.

Capricorn3 · 08-07-2009, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janne

Our relationship was like a pure fairy tale, we never discussed any religious issues and that differences in religions can be an issue between us, we used to agree on everything, and shared all our views together; until the official engagement, when my Lebanese 'prince' suddenly turned into a more possessive type.. He suddenly implemented a subject of religion as # 1 item on our agenda list.. And asked me if i was ready to convert to Islam yet?

Then he said that if i don't take Islam, we will probably not be able to get married, coz his family will never accept this and he also wanted to raise kids in Islam.

I read dozens of articles on this subject "Western lady - Muslim man",
and i can't understand, WHY does it seem to be such a common pattern of events, when Christian girl and Muslim guy's fabulous relationship suddenly turns into a hell of arguments and religious issues obstacles, when it comes to a wedding?..

What is the best advice for me, and for us both in this case? Shall we break up now, or maybe we still have a chance?
Can i still convince him somehow that i don't convert into Islam and we can still get married?...

You are in for a VERY VERY rocky road from now on. This seems to be a very common thing that once you get engaged, things can change literally overnight and you find your loving man is a totally different person.

I highly doubt you will EVER manage to convince him that you can still get married if you don't convert. he will not stand for it and is against his beliefs. You either convert, or he (and his family) will not accept it. The writing is on the wall with this one (imo) and you should think very very carefully about your future.

If it were me, I'd end it as I don't think you have a chance here. (I could be wrong of course, but I've seen this type of thing happen too many times and it always ended in disaster).

Sunflour · 08-07-2009, 09:16 AM

What would he say if you tell him that although you love him, you are not willing to convert to a faith you don't believe in?

It's a big red flag to me that he expect you to be the one making the big changes & concessions in this marriage. If he can't accept as his wife the same person he fell in love with and proposed to, I think you're headed for big trouble. Perhaps some counseling with a therapist who has experience with cross-cultural couples would be helpful?

McLovin oo7 · 08-07-2009, 09:22 AM

May be you should ask him to convert to your religion?

I have seen many of these marriages as I lived in that part of world but to tell you the truth, they all are just compromise and you are never going to be happy in it.

My advice - walk away since even though you marry him and don’t change your religion, this religion thing will always be there and will always be a sour spot in your relationship.

Capricorn3 · 08-07-2009, 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by McLovin oo7

May be you should ask him to convert to your religion?.

I knew a woman who suggested her b/f convert (he's muslin) and he almost turned violent on her with shock and disbelief that she should even suggest such a thing. He was horrified and looked down on her with such contempt. She left him soon after she saw the other side of him.

Crazyaboutdogs · 08-07-2009, 09:49 AM

People who are very strongly mired in their religion, no matter what religion, may expect their partner to convert to their religion and bring up the children according to their religion. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be of your own religion and raise the children as such..but if those are a person's beliefs then they should not be dating outside of their religion. If they date outside of their religion then they should not have an expectation that their partner convert. The partner should only convert if they really want to, not because they were forced into it for 'love and marriage".

McLovin oo7 · 08-07-2009, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs

People who are very strongly mired in their religion, no matter what religion, may expect their partner to convert to their religion and bring up the children according to their religion. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be of your own religion and raise the children as such..but if those are a person's beliefs then they should not be dating outside of their religion. If they date outside of their religion then they should not have an expectation that their partner convert. The partner should only convert if they really want to, not because they were forced into it for 'love and marriage".

Why one should expect their partner to change religion? I thought love was all about accepting you for what you really are???

That is such an outlandish thing to expect someone to change their religion so that you can marry them.

Crazyaboutdogs · 08-07-2009, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by McLovin oo7

Why one should expect their partner to change religion? I thought love was all about accepting you for what you really are???

That is such an outlandish thing to expect someone to change their religion so that you can marry them.

I agree with you...but that is just what some people expect..and that is not right to impose their religious views on their partner.

Qut81 · 08-07-2009, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janne

I am a Christian girl and I have a Muslim boyfriend, who is my fiance now..
We've dated with for almost 3 years by now and last year we got engaged officially at his family's house.
Our relationship was like a pure fairy tale, we never discussed any religious issues and that differences in religions can be an issue between us, we used to agree on everything, and shared all our views together; until the official engagement, when my Lebanese 'prince' suddenly turned into a more possessive type.. He suddenly implemented a subject of religion as # 1 item on our agenda list.. And asked me if i was ready to convert to Islam yet?
I said I wasn't, and not sure that i will want to, and I didn't feel great to be pushed on this matter.. I am not that religious though but still...
Then he said that if i don't take Islam, we will probably not be able to get married, coz his family will never accept this and he also wanted to raise kids in Islam.
Well, he is not that strict a Muslim, practicing just basic things like 1 week praying and Ramadan, and i won't have to cover.. But still..
I respect his religion.. why can't he respect mine??
We used to love each other so devotely and still our love is so strong, and i can't imagine that we will have to break up eventually coz of this religious matter..
He is waiting for me to change.. But didn't he fall in love with the "old" me? With who i was already?..
I read dozens of articles on this subject "Western lady - Muslim man",
and i can't understand, WHY does it seem to be such a common pattern of events, when Christian girl and Muslim guy's fabulous relationship suddenly turns into a hell of arguments and religious issues obstacles, when it comes to a wedding?..
What is the best advice for me, and for us both in this case? Shall we break up now, or maybe we still have a chance?
Can i still convince him somehow that i don't convert into Islam and we can still get married?...

I have Muslim family members and friends. One thing I can say about this is they are EXTREMELY loyal to their religion. I have never met a "not so strict" muslim. Even if they dont pray everyday, they still feel very strong about their beliefs.

Saying this, I honestly do not think this marriage will work unless one converts to another. I am not one of those ppl that say "break up" right away. I do think some things can be worked out but this is not one of them. If you do not see yourself as a Muslim and he can not see himself as a Christian this is not going to work. The reason is that both religions have fundamental differences in their beliefs.

Have you been to a Masque? Has he been to church with you before? Maybe you guys can start off by learning more about each other religions and going from there. I wouldnt make any plans to marry until this is resolved.

08-07-2009, 09:01 AM	#1
Janne Offline Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Denmark Gender: Female Posts: 23	In love with a Muslim man.. I am a Christian girl and I have a Muslim boyfriend, who is my fiance now.. We've dated with for almost 3 years by now and last year we got engaged officially at his family's house. Our relationship was like a pure fairy tale, we never discussed any religious issues and that differences in religions can be an issue between us, we used to agree on everything, and shared all our views together; until the official engagement, when my Lebanese 'prince' suddenly turned into a more possessive type.. He suddenly implemented a subject of religion as # 1 item on our agenda list.. And asked me if i was ready to convert to Islam yet? I said I wasn't, and not sure that i will want to, and I didn't feel great to be pushed on this matter.. I am not that religious though but still... Then he said that if i don't take Islam, we will probably not be able to get married, coz his family will never accept this and he also wanted to raise kids in Islam. Well, he is not that strict a Muslim, practicing just basic things like 1 week praying and Ramadan, and i won't have to cover.. But still.. I respect his religion.. why can't he respect mine?? We used to love each other so devotely and still our love is so strong, and i can't imagine that we will have to break up eventually coz of this religious matter.. He is waiting for me to change.. But didn't he fall in love with the "old" me? With who i was already?.. I read dozens of articles on this subject "Western lady - Muslim man", and i can't understand, WHY does it seem to be such a common pattern of events, when Christian girl and Muslim guy's fabulous relationship suddenly turns into a hell of arguments and religious issues obstacles, when it comes to a wedding?.. What is the best advice for me, and for us both in this case? Shall we break up now, or maybe we still have a chance? Can i still convince him somehow that i don't convert into Islam and we can still get married?...

08-07-2009, 09:22 AM	#5
McLovin oo7 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: up up up waaaay up upon Cloud # 9 Gender: Male Age: 32 Posts: 279	May be you should ask him to convert to your religion? I have seen many of these marriages as I lived in that part of world but to tell you the truth, they all are just compromise and you are never going to be happy in it. My advice - walk away since even though you marry him and don’t change your religion, this religion thing will always be there and will always be a sour spot in your relationship. __________________ You are; what you think you are!

08-07-2009, 09:13 AM	#2
Crazyaboutdogs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,631	When two people embark on an interfaith marriage then these kinds of discussions need to be had long before the relationship gets serious. The problem is that both of you swept it under the rug...you assuming he would be fine if you followed your own religion, he was assuming you would ultimately convert for him and follow his religion. Both of you feel strongly about your respective positions and in something like this compromise is not really possible because this kind of issue goes to the core of a person's being. I think perhaps it is time for you two to go your separate ways because for either of you to compromise would lead to major resentment and unhappiness.

08-07-2009, 09:16 AM	#4
Sunflour Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 422	What would he say if you tell him that although you love him, you are not willing to convert to a faith you don't believe in? It's a big red flag to me that he expect you to be the one making the big changes & concessions in this marriage. If he can't accept as his wife the same person he fell in love with and proposed to, I think you're headed for big trouble. Perhaps some counseling with a therapist who has experience with cross-cultural couples would be helpful?

08-07-2009, 09:49 AM	#7
Crazyaboutdogs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,631	People who are very strongly mired in their religion, no matter what religion, may expect their partner to convert to their religion and bring up the children according to their religion. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be of your own religion and raise the children as such..but if those are a person's beliefs then they should not be dating outside of their religion. If they date outside of their religion then they should not have an expectation that their partner convert. The partner should only convert if they really want to, not because they were forced into it for 'love and marriage".