Still no answer from him

dreamwarrior · 08-02-2009, 04:58 PM

As many of you may have read my previous posts before. My son and I have not been together in 16 years and live 2500 miles apart. Circumstances out of my control happened and I wasn't able to take care of him growing up.

Although I came from a broken home and didn't receive much love or nurturing in my life didn't stop me from being a well adjusted adult and doing what I thought was right. I just tried to make the best out of a bad situation.

I don't want to go into detail about everything, but the above paragraph is a brief synopsis of possibly why these unfortunate events took place.

In my life I really tried to be the best wife and or gf possible. I gave my husband or boyfriends in my life alot of love, sex, cooked fresh meals daily, keep a sparkling home, didn't argue to much or nag but for some darn reason these guys liked bars and to drink and me I never was to big on it, but would do it from time to time before I had kids, but afterwards not so often because I had responsibilities to their safety and well-being.

I got pregnant 5 times from the time I was 18 to 24 years old...I was very confused, and quite troubled...guess I was having severe postpartum depression and my hormones were always out of kilter. I was always anemic in those days to make things worse.

The point to this story is my family even until this day has made my life hell with their constant interfering in my life regarding my kids and talking behind my back to my ex-laws and ex bf's mothers. My aunt and uncle did it for years before they died and now my mother has taken over...I don't know what she could possibly say about me since she never was in my life from the time I was 3 years old.

Then we have my inlaws trying to tell me how to raise my kids and think I don't know anything. This story is very complicated, but needless to say I couldn't take anymore crap from everyone...I had been through to much with the violence of my ex bf, living in abuse shelters, homes for unwed mothers, and mental hospitals...I was one very stressed out woman. One night after my ex bf had just gotten into a big fight with the neighbors because they called the police on him for his loud stereo. He left for a moment and I just got on my coat and disappeared into the night...not even knowing where I was going. I don't even know how I ended up at the mental health hospital, but I walked right in and checked myself in there. I was so tired all I did was sleep and sleep, I couldn't eat and was probably around 100 lbs soaking wet. I stayed there for 30 days and even then I begged them to let me stay there longer, but they couldn't keep me anymore...gave me some medication to take for my nerves and sent me out the door...just to think a person begging to stay in a mental hospital now that is crazy!

My ex was very jealous and when other guys would even dare look or talk to me I got it real good later on. I was always on eggshells and didn't know which way to look in case there were other guys there he might be angry. He didn't like me to have friends, work, school or anything that didn't pertain to him. I was a prisoner and felt trapped.

Believe me I was in no mental state to be trying to raise a sickly child on my own...now my ex didn't work and he wanted to live on welfare and sponge off his mother. The last fight came around the beginning of 1992 during a cold PA winter...my son was with his grandma and I went to the women's abuse shelter for the last time. I was recovering from a very bad flu and still sick, but they gave me a one-way ticket back to CA 2500 miles away. I didn't want to leave my son, but this guy had threatened me that if I ever left him he would kidnap him and never let me see him again...that was his way to hold me hostage for continued abuse. I told this to the police and they said he was the father and could do nothing about it.

I got on that bus and left, but never thinking I would never see my son again. I spent the next two years pulling myself together, got a job, was going to college, had a nice place to live and went back east once again to get my child, but the judge said he was already there for 2 years so it's best to leave him where he is at (with my ex's mother), I was shattered, all my hard work for nada !! I came back again and the court gave me rights to see him on certain days. I am like what the h*ll is this crap? I didn't abuse my child, I wasn't on drugs or crack, I didn't neglect him or mistreat him in any way...so why is it that a mother cannot have rights to her child when we have this abuser raising him...I seriously think there is something wrong with our legal system. I lost faith in it.

So then I go back home again and start writing, calling, and sending him gifts and I find out he is taking my gifts and telling my son he got them for him. Everytime I call my boy, my ex is on the other line causing problems and then he won't talk with me and hangs up on me. It's always a freaking fight.

So, folks I made a decision that has costed me alot...I decided not to contact my son anymore until he was grown so then perhaps he would be able to converse with me without any interfering, but as it goes my ex is still with his hatred towards me and still in the middle of our relationship. Now my son who is grown don't want to have anything to do with me and I do understand his hurt and confusion, but the anger he feels for me runs deep and I don't know what to do.

I write him alot of e-mails, sent him a birthday card and the second my ex could he sent me a nasty e-mail, then my son told me in so many words to piss off and never contact him again. I still keep sending him e-mails, but my ex wrote and told me he has nothing to say to me.

To be honest I am totally heartbroken, but I am not going to give up. My ex is blaming me for every single thing. He told me my boy is drinking, doing drugs, hitting women, doing nothing with his life, and just being a total bum. He is grown now, and I suppose it's out of my hands, but the thought of me never seeing him again kills me. I don't cry very often, but the first time I cried in many moons my eyes felt like sandpaper as the tears were coming out.

I am not looking for sympathy or judgments here all I want to know is if there will ever be a chance we will come to some peaceful existence...and if anyone has suggestions on how I should do it or should I just go away and not bother him anymore.

Sad part is he likes girls who resemble me and from I understand he treats them like crap.

When he was a child he was my darling, my shadow, the apple of my eye. He would sit on my lap and pet my hair, kiss me, and say mommy look at me do this. He was my one true love...where is that boy who loved and adored his mommy?

I have been seriously thinking that I should go back east on my vacation and try to see him and every year until I graduate college then move back there permanently.

I mean what did I have to offer him I had no home, job, education, money, and not in anyway stable. Not to mention he had a serious heart condition that I could not remove him from the care of his specialist. I am sorry, but I have to save myself or what kind of mother would I be. I felt it would be selfish of me to do that to him...so I had to make a choice over what I wanted...I had to do the best for him at the time...and now I am paying a heavy price for it.

Guess the saying is darned if you do and darned if you don't...

divainpain · 08-03-2009, 05:05 AM

Just move wherever he is so he knows you are always there even if he doesn't acknowlege you. It is a big gesture to uproot yourself for him to have mother nearby again, siliently waiting for just him.

Sunflour · 08-03-2009, 08:37 AM

If you haven't seen him in 16 years, then you are a stranger to him. That's heartbreaking, I know, but it's true. So expecting love and any kind of close relationship may be unrealistic, no matter how much you want it.

All you can do is keep getting your own life in order, and hope that someday he will be willing to see you.

08-02-2009, 04:58 PM	#1
dreamwarrior Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Somewhere In Time Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 1,791	Still no answer from him As many of you may have read my previous posts before. My son and I have not been together in 16 years and live 2500 miles apart. Circumstances out of my control happened and I wasn't able to take care of him growing up. Although I came from a broken home and didn't receive much love or nurturing in my life didn't stop me from being a well adjusted adult and doing what I thought was right. I just tried to make the best out of a bad situation. I don't want to go into detail about everything, but the above paragraph is a brief synopsis of possibly why these unfortunate events took place. In my life I really tried to be the best wife and or gf possible. I gave my husband or boyfriends in my life alot of love, sex, cooked fresh meals daily, keep a sparkling home, didn't argue to much or nag but for some darn reason these guys liked bars and to drink and me I never was to big on it, but would do it from time to time before I had kids, but afterwards not so often because I had responsibilities to their safety and well-being. I got pregnant 5 times from the time I was 18 to 24 years old...I was very confused, and quite troubled...guess I was having severe postpartum depression and my hormones were always out of kilter. I was always anemic in those days to make things worse. The point to this story is my family even until this day has made my life hell with their constant interfering in my life regarding my kids and talking behind my back to my ex-laws and ex bf's mothers. My aunt and uncle did it for years before they died and now my mother has taken over...I don't know what she could possibly say about me since she never was in my life from the time I was 3 years old. Then we have my inlaws trying to tell me how to raise my kids and think I don't know anything. This story is very complicated, but needless to say I couldn't take anymore crap from everyone...I had been through to much with the violence of my ex bf, living in abuse shelters, homes for unwed mothers, and mental hospitals...I was one very stressed out woman. One night after my ex bf had just gotten into a big fight with the neighbors because they called the police on him for his loud stereo. He left for a moment and I just got on my coat and disappeared into the night...not even knowing where I was going. I don't even know how I ended up at the mental health hospital, but I walked right in and checked myself in there. I was so tired all I did was sleep and sleep, I couldn't eat and was probably around 100 lbs soaking wet. I stayed there for 30 days and even then I begged them to let me stay there longer, but they couldn't keep me anymore...gave me some medication to take for my nerves and sent me out the door...just to think a person begging to stay in a mental hospital now that is crazy! My ex was very jealous and when other guys would even dare look or talk to me I got it real good later on. I was always on eggshells and didn't know which way to look in case there were other guys there he might be angry. He didn't like me to have friends, work, school or anything that didn't pertain to him. I was a prisoner and felt trapped. Believe me I was in no mental state to be trying to raise a sickly child on my own...now my ex didn't work and he wanted to live on welfare and sponge off his mother. The last fight came around the beginning of 1992 during a cold PA winter...my son was with his grandma and I went to the women's abuse shelter for the last time. I was recovering from a very bad flu and still sick, but they gave me a one-way ticket back to CA 2500 miles away. I didn't want to leave my son, but this guy had threatened me that if I ever left him he would kidnap him and never let me see him again...that was his way to hold me hostage for continued abuse. I told this to the police and they said he was the father and could do nothing about it. I got on that bus and left, but never thinking I would never see my son again. I spent the next two years pulling myself together, got a job, was going to college, had a nice place to live and went back east once again to get my child, but the judge said he was already there for 2 years so it's best to leave him where he is at (with my ex's mother), I was shattered, all my hard work for nada !! I came back again and the court gave me rights to see him on certain days. I am like what the hll is this crap? I didn't abuse my child, I wasn't on drugs or crack, I didn't neglect him or mistreat him in any way...so why is it that a mother cannot have rights to her child when we have this abuser raising him...I seriously think there is something wrong with our legal system. I lost faith in it. So then I go back home again and start writing, calling, and sending him gifts and I find out he is taking my gifts and telling my son he got them for him. Everytime I call my boy, my ex is on the other line causing problems and then he won't talk with me and hangs up on me. It's always a freaking fight. So, folks I made a decision that has costed me alot...I decided not to contact my son anymore until he was grown so then perhaps he would be able to converse with me without any interfering, but as it goes my ex is still with his hatred towards me and still in the middle of our relationship. Now my son who is grown don't want to have anything to do with me and I do understand his hurt and confusion, but the anger he feels for me runs deep and I don't know what to do. I write him alot of e-mails, sent him a birthday card and the second my ex could he sent me a nasty e-mail, then my son told me in so many words to piss off and never contact him again. I still keep sending him e-mails, but my ex wrote and told me he has nothing to say to me. To be honest I am totally heartbroken, but I am not going to give up. My ex is blaming me for every single thing. He told me my boy is drinking, doing drugs, hitting women, doing nothing with his life, and just being a total bum. He is grown now, and I suppose it's out of my hands, but the thought of me never seeing him again kills me. I don't cry very often, but the first time I cried in many moons my eyes felt like sandpaper as the tears were coming out. I am not looking for sympathy or judgments here all I want to know is if there will ever be a chance we will come to some peaceful existence...and if anyone has suggestions on how I should do it or should I just go away and not bother him anymore. Sad part is he likes girls who resemble me and from I understand he treats them like crap. When he was a child he was my darling, my shadow, the apple of my eye. He would sit on my lap and pet my hair, kiss me, and say mommy look at me do this. He was my one true love...where is that boy who loved and adored his mommy? I have been seriously thinking that I should go back east on my vacation and try to see him and every year until I graduate college then move back there permanently. I mean what did I have to offer him I had no home, job, education, money, and not in anyway stable. Not to mention he had a serious heart condition that I could not remove him from the care of his specialist. I am sorry, but I have to save myself or what kind of mother would I be. I felt it would be selfish of me to do that to him...so I had to make a choice over what I wanted...I had to do the best for him at the time...and now I am paying a heavy price for it. Guess the saying is darned if you do and darned if you don't... __________________ "If you can't do better for me than what I am doing for myself don't waste my time or yours". ~dreamwarrior~ <--------------My Son The only limitations in life are the ones in your mind. ~dreamwarrior~ Last edited by dreamwarrior; 08-02-2009 at 05:07 PM.*

08-03-2009, 05:05 AM	#2
divainpain Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 79	Just move wherever he is so he knows you are always there even if he doesn't acknowlege you. It is a big gesture to uproot yourself for him to have mother nearby again, siliently waiting for just him.

08-03-2009, 08:37 AM	#3
Sunflour Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 422	If you haven't seen him in 16 years, then you are a stranger to him. That's heartbreaking, I know, but it's true. So expecting love and any kind of close relationship may be unrealistic, no matter how much you want it. All you can do is keep getting your own life in order, and hope that someday he will be willing to see you.