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  1. #1
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    Husband Refuses to Get a Job

    My husand refuses to look for work. I'm so tired and can't take his excuses anymore, I think he enjoys collecting unemployment and has developed a lifestyle that he doesn't want to change. I own a small business that is very physical and lately I've been picking up more hours to offset my worry that we will run out of money. I'm physically breaking down and mentally I'm just plain scared.

    We've talked, argued, whatever and he doesn't want to change. I've tried to explain that women depend upon security, just like he depends upon me to cook, clean and fullfill all the typical gender rolls. I've saved up some money as I knew last October his work was coming to an end which it did this April. He looks at the money as just something he can live on when the unemployment runs out. He keeps telling me he needs time to think about everything and find his way again and swears there is no work. Oh, he's taking one class through our local community college 1 day per week.

    He thinks he wants to start doing handyman work with our neighbor who is on the verge of losing his house. When they did the bathroom floor of our house it consisted of the neighbor doing the work and my husband drinking beer.

    Each time we discuss the subject he just says he wants a divorce. I keep saying he'll pick a divorce over 8 years together? We did draw up the paperwork a couple of weeks ago and I'm thinking of at least having an attorney review it. I do love him but have zero respect. He keeps telling me not to 'bully' him...really? Advice please!
    Last edited by LoraLou; 08-01-2009 at 01:21 PM.

  2. #2
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    I'll tell you what you do. Stop cooking for him, cleaning and whatever else. What he's doing is probably one of the most selfish things a partner can do. If he wants to divorce you because you don't want him to live off of your hard earned money while he sits at home and you work over time to make ends meet then you should really think about if this kind of man is right for you in the long run. Put your foot down and dont let him be this lazy! Seriously!

  3. #3
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    You are being taken for granted, i am surprised he would bring up the topic of divorce or say he wants a divorce, what would he do without you? what would be the plan then? Don't continue to be taken advantage of.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
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    Love him or not, he needs to contribute to the household in some way. If not monetary, then HE should be doing laundry, cleaning, etc. since you're working and he's not.

    No one gets a free ride in this world. Even my developmentally disabled brother has a job.

    You mentioned you own a business. Is there some reason he's not working at that business with you? Depending on what your business is, I can see where he may not be able to help you...I mean, I do freelance voiceover work, and while my husband would be willing to help, he can't voice the auditions or actual work and he knows nothing about audio engineering....so the most he can do is help out with the bookkeeping and calculations when I have to deal with quarterly taxes. I have a part time office gig and there's a guy there whose wife owns/runs a print shop....and if she gets busy, he's often there assisting her with simple tasks after he's done with his workday. So, depending on what your business is, there may be a job there for him....or not.

    Personally, I don't know if I could stay married to someone who I didn't respect. Lack of respect does tend to erode other positive feelings over time. And being with someone who acted like they expected me to support their laziness would have me looking for the door, too. I mean, it'd be different if your spouse had some sort of legitimate phsyical or mental condition that prevented him from working....but it sounds like he's of reasonable mental and physical abilities and choosing to take the path of least resistance.

    BTW, I got downsized last year and was on unemployment for a whopping 6 weeks before I got my part time office gig. I couldn't stand being on unemployment. My part time gig alone doesn't pay much more than unemployment was paying me (and some weeks, less)...and I know there are people who would've passed up the job and stayed on unemployment in that situation, but I just couldn't do that. Consequently, I have a really hard time understanding or having much empathy for someone like your husband.
    "And all I can think is that it must be a kind of rebellion
    to arm your fears like soldiers and to slay them...." -The Airborne Toxic Event

    "All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong." - Weird Al Yankovic

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
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    Honestly I don't know how you take it either. You've tried to talk with him and his reply is to get a divorce? That's not exactly what I'd call problem solving. You've already drawn up paperwork which hasn't seemed to motivate him either.

    I don't think you've got a lot of choices here. Either you accept it or you divorce him. It's ok to still love someone, yet realize that a relationship together is impossible.

    I will warn you though that if you allow this to become the "norm" where you do all the work and he isn't employed then if you were to divorce later on he could claim the need for alimony. After all, he'd state that you had set it up to be the breadwinner and he needs money from you to continue his standard of living.
    You can make the world a better place - one person at a time.

  7. #6
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    yeah that would infuriate me.

    There still are jobs out htere, even if they pay nothing.

    He needs to get a paper route, anything!...so what if it is low pay???

    And I agree with the others, if you are employed, and he isn't, HE should be doing the cooking, cleaning or contributing in some way.

  8. #7
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    Thank you for the advise. I really want him to 'stand up' and be a man but he doesn't seem to see the need. His father was the same way, he would work only to get by. His parents have been married for 40 years and HATE each other. I don't want to end up that way.

    I've asked him to move out just so we can get our heads around this. Plus I'm hoping he'll wake up and see he does need to look at his life and see he should get a job to help put his family back on track. I'm 42 and goodness knows I don't want to start again.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member ramonymone's Avatar
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    I wrote a thread the other day on this subject "Women and Security", thank you for your post, as sad as it is. I completely understand how you feel, normally I try and see the conflict from both sides but I am in agreeance with you. Your post is truly what women and security is all about. No aspiration on his behalf, and no motivation is very much unacceptable. How long has he been unemployed.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    I know this is difficult, but I think you need to prepare yourself for divorce. If he's not willing to try, you can't be willing to pick up the slack. As a first step, stop cooking and cleaning for him and move forward with the proceedings. I would bet that he mentioned divorce as a way to shut you up and control you. Let him know that you will not put up with that nonsense.

  11. #10
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    He's known about the pending layoff since last October that's when I really starting putting money away. He's be out of work for 3 months and is very happy with the situation.

    In the divorce agreement I will keep the house and the $2,500 per month mortgage payment and in return he wants everything I've saved about $21,000. He even was kind enought to let me know he didn't want any payments from my business that I've worked so hard to start and make successful.

    I'm just so hurt he will throw me away and everything we've worked for instead of just looking for employment. SIGH.......

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