alzheimers/dementia.

gidget1 · 07-22-2009, 10:40 PM

(not so sure if this belongs here)
hi guys, i've decided to post (vent) about something that has been eating me up inside for years now.
my grandmother raised me, most of my life. i moved out of home at 15, when she was sent to a nursing home, due to there being no one to take care of her (she has very severe alzheimers now).

i rarely ever see her. it used to be on a twice weekly basis (when i was younger and she was close by), then it was once a week, to once a month.. and so on.
she means the entire world to me. i love her so very much, she was a mother and a father figure to me, a guidance, a soulmate, the most beautiful person i have ever met.

i can't bring myself to see her, in this situation. (if anyone knows what alzheimers is like, you will understand.)
the very last time i saw her was her birthday. she didn't know where she was, let alone what year or date it was. it was incredibly painful. after leaving her, i suffered extreme depression which left me feeling how she must feel. i couldn't get out of my bed for weeks, let alone function. i couldn't bare to go through that again.

of course that has passed now, but i carry it with me every day. my heart will always feel heavy for as long as i know she is in this hell of hers, in pain. i feel so horrible that no one visits her. it eats me alive. i don't know what to do.
any advice, similar stories.. someone that can relate.. would be so good right now.
thanks

peppercorn · 07-22-2009, 11:01 PM

Honestly -- I think you should visit her.

I realize it must be very painful. I remember, recently, when I went to get my hair styled... a grandmother with alzheimers was brought by her granddaughter... and the grandmother kept forgetting who she was. The girl was so calm and kind and gentle! I was amazed that this girl wasn't upset. I think she must have realized she would have to be strong and patient and realize that it's a disease... and that all she can do is try to be there.

I hope this helps. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I'm tearing up simply reading your post.

Take care, miss!

thejigsup · 07-22-2009, 11:02 PM

My mother died from a form of dementia, not Alzheimer's, and my bf's mom did die from Alzheimer's last year. I know how hard it is to see them like that, honey. They wouldn't have wanted you to feel badly, so if it is too painful to visit them, don't. They don't know at this point and not seeing them like that may help you remember them as they were, and this would probably be what they want. At some point, they just stare and don't communicate at all. That was the easiest time for me to visit, they weren't mistaking me for someone else, or forgetting who I was. Do what feels right to you. I know that pain and it is NOT easy to deal with. I will be praying for you and your grandmother.

sparkles4 · 07-22-2009, 11:08 PM

My grandmother also has Alzheimer's. At first my family and our relatives took turns caring for her, but eventually her disease progressed to the point where we couldn't provide her with the kind of care she requires and had her moved to a nursing home. Each time we see her she seems more and more disoriented, and it is sad to receive cards for our birthdays and graduation that my aunt sends "from her" because my grandmother doesn't have the mental faculty to attend the celebration or send a card herself. Her condition makes me depressed because she can't experience and enjoy life the way she used to, but it helps to think about how she has lived a long, full, happy life prior to this.

gidget1 · 07-22-2009, 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thejigsup

My mother died from a form of dementia, not Alzheimer's, and my bf's mom did die from Alzheimer's last year. I know how hard it is to see them like that, honey. They wouldn't have wanted you to feel badly, so if it is too painful to visit them, don't. They don't know at this point and not seeing them like that may help you remember them as they were, and this would probably be what they want. At some point, they just stare and don't communicate at all. That was the easiest time for me to visit, they weren't mistaking me for someone else, or forgetting who I was. Do what feels right to you. I know that pain and it is NOT easy to deal with. I will be praying for you and your grandmother.

You really nailed it and I'm pretty much in tears now because of this.
I want to remember my grandmother by how I knew her when I was growing up. The oldest soul, the warmest heart, the best hugs, the greatest advice, the motivational pushes she constantly gave me, and made me feel great about myself. The amazing stories she had, the incredible life she lead, her willpower, her strength, her love.
I almost can't believe what used to be the most incredible person, full of life, fit and active even at 80 years old.. is now dwindled down to a stick, completely lifeless. It isn't her. If she knew how it was today, she would wish to not be here, but she doesn't even know. She was an advocate on euthenasia herself, yet there's nothing she, nor I, nor anyone can do. I feel physically sick about it. I want it to end for her sake. I need to tell her how much I love her. Even if she can't hear it, understand it, feel it...

gidget1 · 07-22-2009, 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparkles4

My grandmother also has Alzheimer's. At first my family and our relatives took turns caring for her, but eventually her disease progressed to the point where we couldn't provide her with the kind of care she requires and had her moved to a nursing home. Each time we see her she seems more and more disoriented, and it is sad to receive cards for our birthdays and graduation that my aunt sends "from her" because my grandmother doesn't have the mental faculty to attend the celebration or send a card herself. Her condition makes me depressed because she can't experience and enjoy life the way she used to, but it helps to think about how she has lived a long, full, happy life prior to this.

Thank you. This helped me dry my eyes a bit.
My grandmother lived a very full life, and she has a lot to be leaving behind. I have a large collection of her WWII diaries, stamp collections, teaspoon collections, decades of brilliant clothing, photo album after photo album, treasures from every corner of the earth. I know she will be dying happy, complete, fulfilled.. I just wish she could have left, with peace, a long time ago, before she ever, ever had to experience any pain.
Thank you.

sparkles4 · 07-22-2009, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gidget1

Thank you. This helped me dry my eyes a bit.
My grandmother lived a very full life, and she has a lot to be leaving behind. I have a large collection of her WWII diaries, stamp collections, teaspoon collections, decades of brilliant clothing, photo album after photo album, treasures from every corner of the earth. I know she will be dying happy, complete, fulfilled.. I just wish she could have left, with peace, a long time ago, before she ever, ever had to experience any pain.
Thank you.

I'm glad I was able to help. We recently went through my grandmother's house to sort out all of her things, and it's amazing how much she's lived through. She had photos, clothing, silverware, dolls, books, newspaper articles, collectibles from every decade since the thirties. She was fortunate to have had such a long and interesting life!

Nixee · 07-22-2009, 11:41 PM

My aunt was never officially diagnosed, and unfortunately my family doesn't really want to think about it too much... or maybe we aren't ready to....
For the last few years of her life my aunt was showing signs of dementia, growing progressively worse. At first they wanted to explain it as grief and shock because she had suddenly lost her husband, but the truth was that it began before he died. Then eventually she began all sorts of diagnostic tests.
During these tests and doctor's visits, it was discovered that my poor wonderful aunt had breast cancer as well. She fought the cancer successfully for over a year, but last December we lost her when it spread to her liver. She was only 55.

In the threat of cancer, it was often easy to put aside the worries of diagnosing her mental problems though... yet that was always what seemed to be hardest on her. She had become non-functioning... and we never knew why. Some days were good days... some days, not so much. For awhile she could drive still, but after a couple of incidents losing her way home, and then ending up on the wrong side of the highway, she quickly was no longer allowed to drive. She needed to be babysat virtually ALL the time. A grown woman in her mid-50s. She never got to the point of forgetting us - her closest family, however she misspelled our names at times, and couldn't write words. She had trouble dressing herself.

The week before she passed away I was already living in New York so I didn't get to see her (she died within two weeks of the cancer returning), but I was hoping to speak to her on the phone. I didn't get to. My mother was with her all hours and she told me she wasn't lucid, but she told her I loved her... and she thought she heard it.

My aunt was a brilliant woman... validictorian of her high school class, top of her university class, two degrees, MBA and a teaching credential, and still holds the track record at her school.

It is important to remember those we love deeply for who they really are... even if a horrible illness robs them of their ability to always remember everything about who we are. Deep down they love us back.

Your grandmother needs and deserves your love. And I know how painful it is. It requires so much strength. If you feel you can't give her love in person due to her advanced illness... that it would hurt you too much, and that she would never wish that on you, then don't.
However if you think it would give you some peace, then by all means do... just know the strength you have to take with you.

Either way won't change the fact that you love her.

Capricorn3 · 07-23-2009, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gidget1

I need to tell her how much I love her. Even if she can't hear it, understand it, feel it...

Then that's exactly what you need to do, for both of you. She may not have a long time left and when she does pass on, you will know you did the right thing by visiting her, even when she had no idea you were there. There may be the odd time where she DOES recognize you and that will make it more worthwhile.

Wish you well.

07-22-2009, 10:40 PM	#1
gidget1 Online Silver Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: au Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 602	alzheimers/dementia. (not so sure if this belongs here) hi guys, i've decided to post (vent) about something that has been eating me up inside for years now. my grandmother raised me, most of my life. i moved out of home at 15, when she was sent to a nursing home, due to there being no one to take care of her (she has very severe alzheimers now). i rarely ever see her. it used to be on a twice weekly basis (when i was younger and she was close by), then it was once a week, to once a month.. and so on. she means the entire world to me. i love her so very much, she was a mother and a father figure to me, a guidance, a soulmate, the most beautiful person i have ever met. i can't bring myself to see her, in this situation. (if anyone knows what alzheimers is like, you will understand.) the very last time i saw her was her birthday. she didn't know where she was, let alone what year or date it was. it was incredibly painful. after leaving her, i suffered extreme depression which left me feeling how she must feel. i couldn't get out of my bed for weeks, let alone function. i couldn't bare to go through that again. of course that has passed now, but i carry it with me every day. my heart will always feel heavy for as long as i know she is in this hell of hers, in pain. i feel so horrible that no one visits her. it eats me alive. i don't know what to do. any advice, similar stories.. someone that can relate.. would be so good right now. thanks

07-22-2009, 11:41 PM	#8
Nixee Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: NY Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 1,862	My aunt was never officially diagnosed, and unfortunately my family doesn't really want to think about it too much... or maybe we aren't ready to.... For the last few years of her life my aunt was showing signs of dementia, growing progressively worse. At first they wanted to explain it as grief and shock because she had suddenly lost her husband, but the truth was that it began before he died. Then eventually she began all sorts of diagnostic tests. During these tests and doctor's visits, it was discovered that my poor wonderful aunt had breast cancer as well. She fought the cancer successfully for over a year, but last December we lost her when it spread to her liver. She was only 55. In the threat of cancer, it was often easy to put aside the worries of diagnosing her mental problems though... yet that was always what seemed to be hardest on her. She had become non-functioning... and we never knew why. Some days were good days... some days, not so much. For awhile she could drive still, but after a couple of incidents losing her way home, and then ending up on the wrong side of the highway, she quickly was no longer allowed to drive. She needed to be babysat virtually ALL the time. A grown woman in her mid-50s. She never got to the point of forgetting us - her closest family, however she misspelled our names at times, and couldn't write words. She had trouble dressing herself. The week before she passed away I was already living in New York so I didn't get to see her (she died within two weeks of the cancer returning), but I was hoping to speak to her on the phone. I didn't get to. My mother was with her all hours and she told me she wasn't lucid, but she told her I loved her... and she thought she heard it. My aunt was a brilliant woman... validictorian of her high school class, top of her university class, two degrees, MBA and a teaching credential, and still holds the track record at her school. It is important to remember those we love deeply for who they really are... even if a horrible illness robs them of their ability to always remember everything about who we are. Deep down they love us back. Your grandmother needs and deserves your love. And I know how painful it is. It requires so much strength. If you feel you can't give her love in person due to her advanced illness... that it would hurt you too much, and that she would never wish that on you, then don't. However if you think it would give you some peace, then by all means do... just know the strength you have to take with you. Either way won't change the fact that you love her. __________________ The pain passes, but the beauty remains - Pierre-Auguste Renoir

07-22-2009, 11:01 PM	#2
peppercorn Offline Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 87	Honestly -- I think you should visit her. I realize it must be very painful. I remember, recently, when I went to get my hair styled... a grandmother with alzheimers was brought by her granddaughter... and the grandmother kept forgetting who she was. The girl was so calm and kind and gentle! I was amazed that this girl wasn't upset. I think she must have realized she would have to be strong and patient and realize that it's a disease... and that all she can do is try to be there. I hope this helps. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I'm tearing up simply reading your post. Take care, miss!

07-22-2009, 11:02 PM	#3
thejigsup Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Gender: Female Age: 53 Posts: 4,126	My mother died from a form of dementia, not Alzheimer's, and my bf's mom did die from Alzheimer's last year. I know how hard it is to see them like that, honey. They wouldn't have wanted you to feel badly, so if it is too painful to visit them, don't. They don't know at this point and not seeing them like that may help you remember them as they were, and this would probably be what they want. At some point, they just stare and don't communicate at all. That was the easiest time for me to visit, they weren't mistaking me for someone else, or forgetting who I was. Do what feels right to you. I know that pain and it is NOT easy to deal with. I will be praying for you and your grandmother.

07-22-2009, 11:08 PM	#4
sparkles4 Online Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Florida Gender: Female Posts: 541	My grandmother also has Alzheimer's. At first my family and our relatives took turns caring for her, but eventually her disease progressed to the point where we couldn't provide her with the kind of care she requires and had her moved to a nursing home. Each time we see her she seems more and more disoriented, and it is sad to receive cards for our birthdays and graduation that my aunt sends "from her" because my grandmother doesn't have the mental faculty to attend the celebration or send a card herself. Her condition makes me depressed because she can't experience and enjoy life the way she used to, but it helps to think about how she has lived a long, full, happy life prior to this.