Fight about money and feeling unappreciated as a result...

alice1485 · 07-20-2009, 09:39 AM

So, as some of you know, my bf has been having money problems. Well, we sort of got into a fight about it the other night and I can’t stop thinking about it. We went to the bar and I decided to buy him a drink cause he was having a bad day and I left my tab open. We started playing pool and he left to go get more drinks and some food for us. On our way out, he asked, “Did you like the food?” And I said, “Yea.” Then he said, “Good cause I put in on your tab.”

I was kind of ticked off cause I wouldn’t do that without asking him. So, I said, “Wow, that’s very gentlemanly of you.” Seeing that I was sorta annoyed, he said, “Well, you owe me for driving you to work everyday, right?” * * * !

So I was like, “Are you serious? I assumed you were driving me out of the goodness of your heart.” Then, he quickly said, “No, I am I am. I only said that cause I thought you were mad … I mean, I pay for lost of things.” I was really annoyed at this point. So I said, “Oh my god, do not get me started. I loaned you $800 no questions asked. When you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t do things for people because you expect anything in return, you should do it cause you love them.”

So, he kept saying, “no I only said that cause I thought you were mad…blah blah blah.” But I can’t get what he said out of my head. I stick by what I think – he shouldn’t have charged my tab without asking…it’s rude and I wouldn’t do that to him. And the fact that he completely ignores that I loaned him $800!!! I swear, it’s comments like these that make me feel unappreciated. And he totally ruined everything, because I’m NEVER going to ask him to give me a ride again…Now, that I know how he really feels.

Anyway, I guess the fight was resolved cause we both explained ourselves (although, no one apologized or admitted they were wrong) but I’m still sort of angry about it. At the same time, though, I don’t want to bring it up again…

iLiveWithMyMom · 07-20-2009, 11:50 AM

I know women don't like other people (even bff's) talking down about their men, but seriously, your bf sounds like an ungrateful lout. I don't know you, and I'll never know you, so I have no ulterior motives in putting down your bf- just calling it like I see it. Sorry.

alice1485 · 07-20-2009, 12:08 PM

Well, what am I gonna do about it? I think he knows he did something wrong, cause he bought me lunch the next day and drove me home. All I know is I'm never asking for a ride again and I'm never spending money on him again.

alice1485 · 07-20-2009, 12:12 PM

Plus, I'm just so mad at myself for not getting angrier, you know? After we fight, I always feel bad and I want to make up really fast. So after we fought, I was being really sappy, hugging him and saying I love you... ugh, i'm so annoyed at myself. I should have stayed mad so he'd really know what he said was wrong.

mca1975 · 07-20-2009, 12:32 PM

Hiya, I think I would be mad aswell and it would have conjuered up all sorts of mini arguments between me and my boyfriend. We always have little arguments about these kind of things, sometimes they can escalate aswell and we are boiling with anger over it, or I am. We find it hard to get along money-wise and I am never quite sure who it is down to, me or him.

I think what you should do, is tell him you are still angry about it. Explain why and then accept his explanation at face value. I am thinking, from an outsiders point of view, that it is probably one of those things that he didnt think about before he said it and now wishes he hadn't....? he sounds quite apologetic anyway.....

what do you feel like doing now?

alice1485 · 07-20-2009, 01:03 PM

I don't know. I'm not sure I want to bring it up again. It wasn't even bothering me all that much after the fight until I started thinking about it more. I think I'm just gonna stay away from it unless it comes up again...

rikka · 07-20-2009, 01:23 PM

If you leave it alone, are you truly going to leave it alone. That means putting it completely behind you. If you let it fester it is going to build a resentment and the next time it comes up it is going to explode. Your initial argument seems very passive-aggressive (on both parts) and the way you are looking at it now (just not asking him for anything instead of talking about it) seems to follow a similar pattern. I played that game a lot and I have finally learned that you have to be direct.

You do have just cause to be upset. No one likes feeling that they are being taken advantage of. I think you have to explain WHY you feel the way you do to him, because I don't think he is getting it. I have a feeling that if you just leave it be, it is going to come up again and it will be worse.

alice1485 · 07-20-2009, 02:26 PM

Rikka, I understand. I guess I'm reluctant to bring it up cause it's been 4 days and my anger is the result of overthinking a lot of it. I'm pretty sure he knows what he said was wrong, I just want him to SHOW me that he's sorry.

Ms Darcy · 07-20-2009, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rikka

You do have just cause to be upset. No one likes feeling that they are being taken advantage of. I think you have to explain WHY you feel the way you do to him, because I don't think he is getting it. I have a feeling that if you just leave it be, it is going to come up again and it will be worse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alice1485

Rikka, I understand. I guess I'm reluctant to bring it up cause it's been 4 days and my anger is the result of overthinking a lot of it. I'm pretty sure he knows what he said was wrong, I just want him to SHOW me that he's sorry.

To put it bluntly, you are teaching him not to respect you.

First, you need to communicate to him that it is not acceptable to put food on your tab. IF you are going to pay for something, YOU need to decide to do that upfront. That way, you can make the choice to go out to eat or not.

Second, "I think he knows ..." is not good enough. You are being a doormat by caving in so quickly. Differences of opinion are irrelevant; he crossed the line.

Third, you teach people how to treat you. By not addressing this, and your feeling unappreciated, you are teaching him not to treat you like an equal partner.

Fourth, focus on the correct issues. This is not about not taking another ride from him. It's about how he makes up the rules. He puts the food on your tab. He decides unilaterally that his decisions are ok because of supposed other things he does for her. You should not simply not accept rides from him again. That's missing an opportunity. If he offers, and you want to accept it, you need to make it clear what it is and what it isn't. It is an appreciated gift and not a tally on a scoreboard that he can cash in later.

Fifth, STOP caving. Stop grovelling after a fight. That's called positive reinforcement. When he knows that he can do what he wants then get into an argument with you to get you to back down, of course he's going to do that. Even when he is clearly in the 'wrong.'

You need to key in on these issues as you underscore the larger point. Your money is your own and he should appreciate you enough to know that if you choose to share it, he's lucky and if you don't, that's well within your rights as a sovereign person. You teach him how to treat you. Teach him to treat you better.

alice1485 · 07-20-2009, 03:59 PM

Ms Darcy, you're right. I should have pressed the issue more. Do you think I should bring it up again? And if so, how? It's been 4 days.

07-20-2009, 09:39 AM	#1
alice1485 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 139	Fight about money and feeling unappreciated as a result... So, as some of you know, my bf has been having money problems. Well, we sort of got into a fight about it the other night and I can’t stop thinking about it. We went to the bar and I decided to buy him a drink cause he was having a bad day and I left my tab open. We started playing pool and he left to go get more drinks and some food for us. On our way out, he asked, “Did you like the food?” And I said, “Yea.” Then he said, “Good cause I put in on your tab.” I was kind of ticked off cause I wouldn’t do that without asking him. So, I said, “Wow, that’s very gentlemanly of you.” Seeing that I was sorta annoyed, he said, “Well, you owe me for driving you to work everyday, right?” * * * ! So I was like, “Are you serious? I assumed you were driving me out of the goodness of your heart.” Then, he quickly said, “No, I am I am. I only said that cause I thought you were mad … I mean, I pay for lost of things.” I was really annoyed at this point. So I said, “Oh my god, do not get me started. I loaned you $800 no questions asked. When you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t do things for people because you expect anything in return, you should do it cause you love them.” So, he kept saying, “no I only said that cause I thought you were mad…blah blah blah.” But I can’t get what he said out of my head. I stick by what I think – he shouldn’t have charged my tab without asking…it’s rude and I wouldn’t do that to him. And the fact that he completely ignores that I loaned him $800!!! I swear, it’s comments like these that make me feel unappreciated. And he totally ruined everything, because I’m NEVER going to ask him to give me a ride again…Now, that I know how he really feels. Anyway, I guess the fight was resolved cause we both explained ourselves (although, no one apologized or admitted they were wrong) but I’m still sort of angry about it. At the same time, though, I don’t want to bring it up again…

07-20-2009, 11:50 AM	#2
iLiveWithMyMom Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 530	I know women don't like other people (even bff's) talking down about their men, but seriously, your bf sounds like an ungrateful lout. I don't know you, and I'll never know you, so I have no ulterior motives in putting down your bf- just calling it like I see it. Sorry. __________________ Sigh

07-20-2009, 12:32 PM	#5
mca1975 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: London Gender: Female Posts: 2,304	Hiya, I think I would be mad aswell and it would have conjuered up all sorts of mini arguments between me and my boyfriend. We always have little arguments about these kind of things, sometimes they can escalate aswell and we are boiling with anger over it, or I am. We find it hard to get along money-wise and I am never quite sure who it is down to, me or him. I think what you should do, is tell him you are still angry about it. Explain why and then accept his explanation at face value. I am thinking, from an outsiders point of view, that it is probably one of those things that he didnt think about before he said it and now wishes he hadn't....? he sounds quite apologetic anyway..... what do you feel like doing now? __________________ mca1975 x

07-20-2009, 01:23 PM	#7
rikka Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 813	If you leave it alone, are you truly going to leave it alone. That means putting it completely behind you. If you let it fester it is going to build a resentment and the next time it comes up it is going to explode. Your initial argument seems very passive-aggressive (on both parts) and the way you are looking at it now (just not asking him for anything instead of talking about it) seems to follow a similar pattern. I played that game a lot and I have finally learned that you have to be direct. You do have just cause to be upset. No one likes feeling that they are being taken advantage of. I think you have to explain WHY you feel the way you do to him, because I don't think he is getting it. I have a feeling that if you just leave it be, it is going to come up again and it will be worse. __________________ The opposite of war isn't peace, it's CREATION - La Vie Boheme

07-20-2009, 12:08 PM	#3
alice1485 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 139	Well, what am I gonna do about it? I think he knows he did something wrong, cause he bought me lunch the next day and drove me home. All I know is I'm never asking for a ride again and I'm never spending money on him again.

07-20-2009, 12:12 PM	#4
alice1485 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 139	Plus, I'm just so mad at myself for not getting angrier, you know? After we fight, I always feel bad and I want to make up really fast. So after we fought, I was being really sappy, hugging him and saying I love you... ugh, i'm so annoyed at myself. I should have stayed mad so he'd really know what he said was wrong.

07-20-2009, 01:03 PM	#6
alice1485 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 139	I don't know. I'm not sure I want to bring it up again. It wasn't even bothering me all that much after the fight until I started thinking about it more. I think I'm just gonna stay away from it unless it comes up again...

07-20-2009, 02:26 PM	#8
alice1485 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 139	Rikka, I understand. I guess I'm reluctant to bring it up cause it's been 4 days and my anger is the result of overthinking a lot of it. I'm pretty sure he knows what he said was wrong, I just want him to SHOW me that he's sorry.

07-20-2009, 03:59 PM	#10
alice1485 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 139	Ms Darcy, you're right. I should have pressed the issue more. Do you think I should bring it up again? And if so, how? It's been 4 days.