Is he a Narcissist, Immature or Just Nasty?

girlagogo · 07-11-2009, 05:36 AM

I have just, for the second time, ended my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex who is 50 and I am in my early 30's. When I first started going out with him he was exciting, funny, devoted, adored me (although he was still seeing his girlfriend at the time until she found out after a few months). About 6 months into the relationship I realised that he could fly into rages and sulking moods one minute then be overly loving the next, depending on what was said. For the next year or so our relationship was like a rollercoaster.
For the last 4 months,during which have suspected him of cheating, he acted out of character, keeping his mobile phone with him at all times (even to the toilet!), switching it off or ignoring me at certain times when I called. I even heard a woman in the background a few times when I phoned, this added to him losing interest in sex, with holding affection and continuously trying to start arguments over the most trivial things.
My gut instinct was the same as last time he cheated on me 3 years before but I had concrete proof then. This time, he denies it over and over again and has accused me of having psychosis and needing to see a psychiatrist. (Funny that, as he had a psychotic episode brought on by 16 years of amphetamine abuse for which he now takes antipsychotics daily). Having felt like I haven't been in a relationship the last few months, he has hardly texted or phoned me, yet still says he loves me.

He said he wanted us to live together so we looked for unfurnished houses to rent we could move into and live together (I live 55 miles away), but he made excuses so that he wouldn't have to sign a joint tenancy due to bad credit, even when a private landlord would not have necessarily carried out credit checks. I was worried about having the rent in my name as I can't afford to pay the rent and bills on my own and, as he has a history of late and non payment where he has lived before, even opening other people's mail and using bogus names to obtain credit, I was scared that if he fell out with me or I said the wrong thing, he might decide to up and leave me to pay everything.

Even though my ex insisted I trust him, I couldn't help but wonder why he still wanted to keep his own flat, rented back in his own town, but he insisted it was so he could have a 'base' for his sickness benefit to go to. I also didn't understand why, with an ebay business which he never really makes any money from, he needed to travel back to his home town three times a week and stay overnight, to go to auctions at unspecified times, not being someone with, he states, 'a nine-to-five job'.
For some reason I am a complete secret to nearly all of his friends and if I question why, he flies into a rage, saying that he doesn't have to tell people everything in his life, it's not important, even though I have been seeing him for 2 years, and before that 2 years when we lived together in his town. I also found out that he had lied to some of the people we knew and told them that I had a child,which I don't, god knows why!! As I am never allowed to see these friends none of them know the wiser. He constantly lies to people and seems to isolate individuals so that no-one can ever disprove or prove his stories. He is also incredibly charismatic and charming.
More and more, as the last few weeks went buy, he started instructing me that he was not going to reply to my texts or answer my phone calls because he was at friend's houses or driving. The embarassing thing is, when I have rung to say 'hello', how's it going' he would immediately say he's driving when clearly he wasn't. His increasingly bizarre behaviour culminated in the last time I saw him at the weekend, he walked out at 10.30pm to meet a friend and proceeded not to answer his phone for the next hour until he came back home, even though he said he would only be 10 minutes, again I suspect he was seeing someone else.
As he had not been calling or texting me like he used to I mentioned I wasn't happy, that I was doing all the chasing and driving 50 miles to see him every week. How about reciprocating? He denied that he wasn't texting or ringing me anymore when he clearly was! He shouted 'I DO text you' even though for 90% of the time he wouldn't reply.
Everytime I catch him in a lie, he denies he lied, changes his story and even tells I didn't see stuff I actually did SEE with my own eyes , or something I heard him say, he didn't say. If I disagree or call him on his behaviour he verbally attacks me, calls me '* * * * ' or other nasty names, or twists things around to make me at fault. I feel like he has driven me mad and now with the suspicion of him seeing someone else, the phone off all night some days, or the frequent trips to the corner shop which lasts 20 minutes longer than it takes to get a 'pint of milk', I have ended it. Yet he still says I am mad and deluded and that I need psychological help.

Whilst he declares his undying love, at the same time he will completely antagonise me and exhibit passive-aggressive behaviour, as well as being in touch with this mystery woman and his ex by email, who he insists is constantly pestering HIM!
In the past he has had a history of harassment as well as being very manipulative, yet everyone thinks the sun shines out his * * * * . My questions are: Is it possible for me to recover from all this as I have been left with low self-esteem and depression? What is going on in his head and is my ex a narcissist, emotionally immature or just a twisted human being?

JiMmIyZ · 07-11-2009, 05:54 AM

I say the last two (emotionally immature and a twisted human being). He's obviously cheating and is trying to cover it up. I say leave him, go home and find someone who would treat you right.

nina2009 · 07-11-2009, 06:09 AM

First of all congratulations on moving on with your life. It is hard to say who is your ex, I would say at least he is very unstable. It is very good you did not go into shared financial responsibilities with him. Most likely he was holding on to you for self-protection reasons - may be you one of his "bases" to keep somewhat stability... It is hard to tell... The fact that he calls you delusional is not surprising, we see in other people our own traits.

You will recover from this, everything is a lesson and with the time you will find how to appreciate this one. Every life experience holds tons of possibilities, it is for you to choose which one you want. If you would like to go into depression, you'll go. I would recommend to look forward and celebrate your independence!

Speranza · 07-11-2009, 08:02 AM

Well he cheated to be with you initially - leopards don't change their spots, and I guess you just got a taste of your own medicine.

Does it actually matter what you label him? I mean, this thread could just as easily be called, "Was I a masochist, blind or just stupid?"

Fact is, you got out. Well done. I'm not sure why you got back with him the second time, but figure THAT out and don't do it again... And for that, I suggest you seek outside help. I'm pretty sure others on here will agree. You've already done so well to get out, now be brave and find the help you need to sort this out. You probably have issues which guys like him hook into with their behaviour, so unless you understand yourself, this may happen again. Good luck in sorting it out and taking care of yourself from now on.

catfeeder · 07-11-2009, 11:34 AM

While it might help you feel better for a minute or so to label this guy, the more important thing to question is exactly what he ever brought to the table that was so fabulous, and why you settled for him--twice?

Answering that can help lead you away from past mistakes. Otherwise, it's all just a bunch of blame with nothing to prevent you from walking into the next victim role, and who needs that?

Congrats on walking away, and head high.

In your corner.

07-11-2009, 05:36 AM	#1
girlagogo Offline Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 2	Is he a Narcissist, Immature or Just Nasty? I have just, for the second time, ended my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex who is 50 and I am in my early 30's. When I first started going out with him he was exciting, funny, devoted, adored me (although he was still seeing his girlfriend at the time until she found out after a few months). About 6 months into the relationship I realised that he could fly into rages and sulking moods one minute then be overly loving the next, depending on what was said. For the next year or so our relationship was like a rollercoaster. For the last 4 months,during which have suspected him of cheating, he acted out of character, keeping his mobile phone with him at all times (even to the toilet!), switching it off or ignoring me at certain times when I called. I even heard a woman in the background a few times when I phoned, this added to him losing interest in sex, with holding affection and continuously trying to start arguments over the most trivial things. My gut instinct was the same as last time he cheated on me 3 years before but I had concrete proof then. This time, he denies it over and over again and has accused me of having psychosis and needing to see a psychiatrist. (Funny that, as he had a psychotic episode brought on by 16 years of amphetamine abuse for which he now takes antipsychotics daily). Having felt like I haven't been in a relationship the last few months, he has hardly texted or phoned me, yet still says he loves me. He said he wanted us to live together so we looked for unfurnished houses to rent we could move into and live together (I live 55 miles away), but he made excuses so that he wouldn't have to sign a joint tenancy due to bad credit, even when a private landlord would not have necessarily carried out credit checks. I was worried about having the rent in my name as I can't afford to pay the rent and bills on my own and, as he has a history of late and non payment where he has lived before, even opening other people's mail and using bogus names to obtain credit, I was scared that if he fell out with me or I said the wrong thing, he might decide to up and leave me to pay everything. Even though my ex insisted I trust him, I couldn't help but wonder why he still wanted to keep his own flat, rented back in his own town, but he insisted it was so he could have a 'base' for his sickness benefit to go to. I also didn't understand why, with an ebay business which he never really makes any money from, he needed to travel back to his home town three times a week and stay overnight, to go to auctions at unspecified times, not being someone with, he states, 'a nine-to-five job'. For some reason I am a complete secret to nearly all of his friends and if I question why, he flies into a rage, saying that he doesn't have to tell people everything in his life, it's not important, even though I have been seeing him for 2 years, and before that 2 years when we lived together in his town. I also found out that he had lied to some of the people we knew and told them that I had a child,which I don't, god knows why!! As I am never allowed to see these friends none of them know the wiser. He constantly lies to people and seems to isolate individuals so that no-one can ever disprove or prove his stories. He is also incredibly charismatic and charming. More and more, as the last few weeks went buy, he started instructing me that he was not going to reply to my texts or answer my phone calls because he was at friend's houses or driving. The embarassing thing is, when I have rung to say 'hello', how's it going' he would immediately say he's driving when clearly he wasn't. His increasingly bizarre behaviour culminated in the last time I saw him at the weekend, he walked out at 10.30pm to meet a friend and proceeded not to answer his phone for the next hour until he came back home, even though he said he would only be 10 minutes, again I suspect he was seeing someone else. As he had not been calling or texting me like he used to I mentioned I wasn't happy, that I was doing all the chasing and driving 50 miles to see him every week. How about reciprocating? He denied that he wasn't texting or ringing me anymore when he clearly was! He shouted 'I DO text you' even though for 90% of the time he wouldn't reply. Everytime I catch him in a lie, he denies he lied, changes his story and even tells I didn't see stuff I actually did SEE with my own eyes , or something I heard him say, he didn't say. If I disagree or call him on his behaviour he verbally attacks me, calls me '* * * * ' or other nasty names, or twists things around to make me at fault. I feel like he has driven me mad and now with the suspicion of him seeing someone else, the phone off all night some days, or the frequent trips to the corner shop which lasts 20 minutes longer than it takes to get a 'pint of milk', I have ended it. Yet he still says I am mad and deluded and that I need psychological help. Whilst he declares his undying love, at the same time he will completely antagonise me and exhibit passive-aggressive behaviour, as well as being in touch with this mystery woman and his ex by email, who he insists is constantly pestering HIM! In the past he has had a history of harassment as well as being very manipulative, yet everyone thinks the sun shines out his * * * * . My questions are: Is it possible for me to recover from all this as I have been left with low self-esteem and depression? What is going on in his head and is my ex a narcissist, emotionally immature or just a twisted human being?

07-11-2009, 05:54 AM	#2
JiMmIyZ Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Woodberry Gender: Male Age: 18 Posts: 69	I say the last two (emotionally immature and a twisted human being). He's obviously cheating and is trying to cover it up. I say leave him, go home and find someone who would treat you right. __________________ Youth, Violence, love and lust

07-11-2009, 06:09 AM	#3
nina2009 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 246	First of all congratulations on moving on with your life. It is hard to say who is your ex, I would say at least he is very unstable. It is very good you did not go into shared financial responsibilities with him. Most likely he was holding on to you for self-protection reasons - may be you one of his "bases" to keep somewhat stability... It is hard to tell... The fact that he calls you delusional is not surprising, we see in other people our own traits. You will recover from this, everything is a lesson and with the time you will find how to appreciate this one. Every life experience holds tons of possibilities, it is for you to choose which one you want. If you would like to go into depression, you'll go. I would recommend to look forward and celebrate your independence!

07-11-2009, 08:02 AM	#4
Speranza Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 49 Posts: 723	Well he cheated to be with you initially - leopards don't change their spots, and I guess you just got a taste of your own medicine. Does it actually matter what you label him? I mean, this thread could just as easily be called, "Was I a masochist, blind or just stupid?" Fact is, you got out. Well done. I'm not sure why you got back with him the second time, but figure THAT out and don't do it again... And for that, I suggest you seek outside help. I'm pretty sure others on here will agree. You've already done so well to get out, now be brave and find the help you need to sort this out. You probably have issues which guys like him hook into with their behaviour, so unless you understand yourself, this may happen again. Good luck in sorting it out and taking care of yourself from now on.

07-11-2009, 11:34 AM	#5
catfeeder Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Northern New Jersey Gender: Female Posts: 2,562	While it might help you feel better for a minute or so to label this guy, the more important thing to question is exactly what he ever brought to the table that was so fabulous, and why you settled for him--twice? Answering that can help lead you away from past mistakes. Otherwise, it's all just a bunch of blame with nothing to prevent you from walking into the next victim role, and who needs that? Congrats on walking away, and head high. In your corner.