Weeks before wedding how would you react to..

wish4me · 07-05-2009, 11:58 AM

getting a call from your inlaws who were up North visiting family and decided to stay an extra week to fiancee requesting to (I believe) borrow $500.00??

Well 2 days after my fiance closed on selling his house we were at the grocery store. He got a call from his Dad. My fiance appeared to step to the side and talk and began writing something on our grocery list. As we were shopping around the store I asked him what was up and he told me that he was putting $500.00 into their account. I know his Dad must have said "Oh I will pay you back" and my boyfriend responded " Oh don't worry I will get this".. To which his Dad responded back "When will it be deposited". My Fiance replied "probably tomorrow when I get to the bank".

I can't believe some one can call weeks before your wedding and expect this. My stomach was all tore up. I don't like conflict but I told my fiance that I was worried it would always be like this and I was concerned that he perhaps was not ready for marriage. I know he hates to say no and LOVES to help anyone out the best he can. But things change when you get married. I told him "what would happen if you did not have the money?" I know he got a good deal of equity but he was anxious the following day to pay off money left owing on his truck and pay off completey one of his loans. Now everytime he Dad calls (since they usually talk to each other every day) I panic thinking they MAY want some more.

If it's not dropping by when we are away camping and bringing others, it's calling needing something.

I DON"T want to hurt his feelings but I need to be strong enough and make a stand and tell him I don't feel comfortable going ahead with this marriage until I know for sure he's comfortable with his future loyalities. How would you address this situation??? Thanks a lot... Kel

**BlueAfterglow08** · 07-05-2009, 12:01 PM

Its his parents?

Hes going to help his parents, and if he financially can and they offered to pay back I dont see the issues.

If you were in debt and he was dishing out hundreds of dollars to friends and family I'd understand. But if he can afford too and its a rare thing them asking for money, then I dont see the problem.

metrogirl · 07-05-2009, 12:03 PM

Perhaps his dad was in a bind and needed a loan. I don't really see anything wrong with it unless he is constantly having to bail his parents out of a financial bind.

wish4me · 07-05-2009, 12:07 PM

Well, I guess it's me. Perhaps I'm too hard about things in general.

The way I see it... If they cannot afford to stay an extra week with relatives they need to come home.

His problem is, his Mom LOVES to cook for everyone and help her siblings out financially. In one week just spending time with relatives they can spend over $1,000 in getting groceries and helping sisters out with bills...

Perhaps I'm more of a loner, I guess. I'm not a very crowd or family get together person. I never had it as a child and I love having peace and quiet and just my children.

How can I rethink and stop thinking negatively?

**BlueAfterglow08** · 07-05-2009, 12:08 PM

You just have to think 'Is this worth getting annoyed or angry over?' Or 'AM I blowing this out of proportion'

Keep in mind these are his family not strangers.

thistime · 07-05-2009, 12:10 PM

try to think of all of the years and all of the money his parents spent on him...
I'm sure they wouldnt ask if they didnt really need it, and he should know whether or not it would put the two of you in a financial bind. I think it might be wise to maybe talk to him and say that since the two of you will be man and wife soon that you hope to have discussions about finances in the future, prior to his lending money to anyone- but for the sake of peace I would let this one go. If you discover that his lending money to his parents, (without repayment) ,becomes a regular occurrance- then it would need to be addressed. I have discovered that the worse thing any woman can ever do is come between her SO and his parents!!!

wish4me · 07-05-2009, 12:10 PM

It just doesn't seem as though they are very good at handling their finances. They exchanged their car 2x last year, and refianced their house at least 3 times that I know of in order to pay for weddings etc. That's the reason why we decided to go away and get married because we did not want them getting into a bind.

**BlueAfterglow08** · 07-05-2009, 12:11 PM

They are obviously very generous people and your future husband has inherited this trait. As long as its not damaging you financially I dont see an issue.

metrogirl · 07-05-2009, 12:12 PM

His parents don't sound like bad people, just the kind of parents that want to do everything for everyone.

Talk to him and explain that you admire him for helping out his parents but at the same time you worry that your finances might suffer in the process.

wish4me · 07-05-2009, 12:13 PM

Oh I know, I would hate to come between him and his parents... They are good people but tend to spend a load of money on groceries and then make a bunch of food sending lots of left overs home.

I know they have always felt comfortable asking him for help repairing things around the house etc.

Perhaps it's the way I grew up. Family very distant, no get togethers, lots of conflict.

Thanks for your opinions on this.

07-05-2009, 11:58 AM	#1
wish4me Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 268	Weeks before wedding how would you react to.. getting a call from your inlaws who were up North visiting family and decided to stay an extra week to fiancee requesting to (I believe) borrow $500.00?? Well 2 days after my fiance closed on selling his house we were at the grocery store. He got a call from his Dad. My fiance appeared to step to the side and talk and began writing something on our grocery list. As we were shopping around the store I asked him what was up and he told me that he was putting $500.00 into their account. I know his Dad must have said "Oh I will pay you back" and my boyfriend responded " Oh don't worry I will get this".. To which his Dad responded back "When will it be deposited". My Fiance replied "probably tomorrow when I get to the bank". I can't believe some one can call weeks before your wedding and expect this. My stomach was all tore up. I don't like conflict but I told my fiance that I was worried it would always be like this and I was concerned that he perhaps was not ready for marriage. I know he hates to say no and LOVES to help anyone out the best he can. But things change when you get married. I told him "what would happen if you did not have the money?" I know he got a good deal of equity but he was anxious the following day to pay off money left owing on his truck and pay off completey one of his loans. Now everytime he Dad calls (since they usually talk to each other every day) I panic thinking they MAY want some more. If it's not dropping by when we are away camping and bringing others, it's calling needing something. I DON"T want to hurt his feelings but I need to be strong enough and make a stand and tell him I don't feel comfortable going ahead with this marriage until I know for sure he's comfortable with his future loyalities. How would you address this situation??? Thanks a lot... Kel

07-05-2009, 12:01 PM	#2
BlueAfterglow08 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 5,248	Its his parents? Hes going to help his parents, and if he financially can and they offered to pay back I dont see the issues. If you were in debt and he was dishing out hundreds of dollars to friends and family I'd understand. But if he can afford too and its a rare thing them asking for money, then I dont see the problem. __________________ Please see the forum rules before posting http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php ''Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.' -Mahatma Gandhi'

07-05-2009, 12:03 PM	#3
metrogirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: SGV Gender: Female Age: 39 Posts: 4,688	Perhaps his dad was in a bind and needed a loan. I don't really see anything wrong with it unless he is constantly having to bail his parents out of a financial bind. __________________ Whether one believes in a religion or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion. Dalai Lama Any hope I had for my Seahawks flew out the window when I heard Lofa Tatupu will be out for the rest of the season. (sighs) They call me Ghettro.......Well Scorpion Fury does anyway. LOL

07-05-2009, 12:08 PM	#5
BlueAfterglow08 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 5,248	You just have to think 'Is this worth getting annoyed or angry over?' Or 'AM I blowing this out of proportion' Keep in mind these are his family not strangers. __________________ Please see the forum rules before posting http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php ''Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.' -Mahatma Gandhi'

07-05-2009, 12:11 PM	#8
BlueAfterglow08 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 5,248	They are obviously very generous people and your future husband has inherited this trait. As long as its not damaging you financially I dont see an issue. __________________ Please see the forum rules before posting http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php ''Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.' -Mahatma Gandhi'

07-05-2009, 12:07 PM	#4
wish4me Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 268	Well, I guess it's me. Perhaps I'm too hard about things in general. The way I see it... If they cannot afford to stay an extra week with relatives they need to come home. His problem is, his Mom LOVES to cook for everyone and help her siblings out financially. In one week just spending time with relatives they can spend over $1,000 in getting groceries and helping sisters out with bills... Perhaps I'm more of a loner, I guess. I'm not a very crowd or family get together person. I never had it as a child and I love having peace and quiet and just my children. How can I rethink and stop thinking negatively?

07-05-2009, 12:10 PM	#6
thistime Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Gender: None Specified Posts: 628	try to think of all of the years and all of the money his parents spent on him... I'm sure they wouldnt ask if they didnt really need it, and he should know whether or not it would put the two of you in a financial bind. I think it might be wise to maybe talk to him and say that since the two of you will be man and wife soon that you hope to have discussions about finances in the future, prior to his lending money to anyone- but for the sake of peace I would let this one go. If you discover that his lending money to his parents, (without repayment) ,becomes a regular occurrance- then it would need to be addressed. I have discovered that the worse thing any woman can ever do is come between her SO and his parents!!!

07-05-2009, 12:12 PM	#9
metrogirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: SGV Gender: Female Age: 39 Posts: 4,688	His parents don't sound like bad people, just the kind of parents that want to do everything for everyone. Talk to him and explain that you admire him for helping out his parents but at the same time you worry that your finances might suffer in the process. __________________ Whether one believes in a religion or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion. Dalai Lama Any hope I had for my Seahawks flew out the window when I heard Lofa Tatupu will be out for the rest of the season. (sighs) They call me Ghettro.......Well Scorpion Fury does anyway. LOL

07-05-2009, 12:13 PM	#10
wish4me Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 268	Oh I know, I would hate to come between him and his parents... They are good people but tend to spend a load of money on groceries and then make a bunch of food sending lots of left overs home. I know they have always felt comfortable asking him for help repairing things around the house etc. Perhaps it's the way I grew up. Family very distant, no get togethers, lots of conflict. Thanks for your opinions on this.