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  1. #1
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    Why does my ex avoids me at ALL costs?

    I've been wondering why my ex avoids me at all costs. It's the weirdest thing ever and makes me feel SO bad.

    Seriously, he avoids me like I'm the plague or the swine flu!

    I would understand if I was a crazy stalker, who bad mouthed him or created scenes. However, for the past 5 months, I've only texted him twice, once in March and once in his birthday monday. He has texted me once and called on my birthday in April. Basically, we've been in quite strict NC considering we were eachother's best friend for 3 years.

    When we first broke up in 2008 we maintained contact and would call eachother all the time. Seriously, anything and everything I needed, he'd be there and vice versa. Even when he started dating someone else, he'd drop her or anything to be with me, help me, talk to me.

    After our bad split in february, things just changed SO much. In January, he would hold me and say that he could never, ever let me go even if he didn't want to date me because I had hurt him, that we had this surreal connection and where eachother's soulmate, best friend.

    When he decided to take his new girlfriend seriously though, this completely changed. Of course it makes sense, because he has a girlfriend and his girlfriend knows how close we were and how he cared about me. I understand that. I respect that. Which is why I've been in almost complete NC and trying to respect them 100%.

    However, it's been almost 6 months now and he is still avoiding contact with me.

    I live in HIS hometown but throghout our relationship I got very close to his friends and their girlfriends. I love his friends and get along with them so well, but they are HIS childhood friends. However, on graduation parties, birthdays, gatherings, he just DOES NOT attend. He does NOT hangout with his friends anymore because their girlfriends are my best friends. I feel bad because it's like my presence, and I don't even go to these gatherings, but just my friend's presence makes him and his girlfriend uncomfortable.

    I've been very good about this, in my opinion, so if it's one of the guy's thing, I don't go, and if it's one of the girl's thing, I do go.

    Sunday is my closest friend's birthday (out of this group, but she's become one of my best friends) and she's having a very nice party. My ex loved this girl and is childhood best friend's with her boyfriend. She told me that her boyfriend is almost sure he's not going, because he's been so weird lately and don't even go to the guy's gatherings... So yeah, I got the e-mails of everyone confirming and he's the only of his group of 10 best friends that says "probably not, can't confirm".

    It just makes me sad that it comes down to this you know??? I know I shouldn't care but I just feel bad... I haven't done anything to him or his relationship, so why does he "hates" me this much to avoid places that me or my friends will be?

    Diplomatically, we are on good terms, I send a cold bday text on monday and he was very nice and replied thanking me, asking how I was, wishing me happiness as well... to which I didn't reply.

    But I mean, actions speaks louder than words and when he avoids places, events, his friends because of ANY connection to me just makes me wonder why he just HATES me this much? Anyone have a similar situation?

  2. #2
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    Hey BG, I was just wondering about you today! How funny.

    Anyway, I don't think it's because he hates you. There are a lot of other reasons he could be acting this way. It could be because he doesn't want to make his girlfriend uncomfortable, it could be that it's just hard for him to see you still. I seriously doubt it's because he hates you.

    I'm sort of going through a similar thing with my ex. Our lives aren't intertwined as much as yours are, so he isn't avoiding friends' birthdays and the like because of me, but the few times we have run into each other since the break up, he can barely look at me or even say hello. I saw him yesterday because I went into the place he works to talk to my old boss (he and I used to work together). He spent the whole 5-10 minutes I was there avoiding eye contact with me and not saying a word. It's odd, because like you, I've been really good about things for a long time. I haven't contacted him for any reason other than trying to get by things back since November, and I haven't contacted him at all since I got my things back from him 3 months ago.

    I don't really know what the deal is. I think you just have to remember that even though he dumped you, it's probably hard for him too.
    "Maybe instead of forever talking in a heteronormative context of what masculinity means and whether women want one kind of it or another, we should be exploring our humanity. What does it mean not to be a Real Man or Woman, but an honorable person?" - Abigail Collazo

  3. #3
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    aline???????

  4. #4
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    Fionnuala - It's SO good to hear from you! I've been much better... stayed out of ENA for a while when I was trying to get over it but now that I'm ok I've been around more.

    Still think about him, but things are just MUCH, MUCH better!!

    It's good to hear that you are going through something similar! But wow, he didn't say hi to you? you guys don't talk at all?? that's weird!

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  6. #5
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    Hi...I doubt he hates u...he is just moving on with his life. It is sad...but it is what happens when people break up. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel hurt...like why is he doing this?? Why cant we just be together...but u can not control how other people feel. This has been really hard for me to accept...but we have to learn to let go...the more u worry and wonder...the worse it makes u feel...it does not do anyhting for u or change how the other person feels or deals with things. My ex and I used to be in regular contact until I realized I was not healing or moving on...while he seems to have moved on...before he would not let me go and would contact me etc...however after a string of fights...we both decided that no contact is best...he can see I have not moved on by being in contact...the best way to move on from someone is just cutting contact...ur ex is doing u a favor...be thankful

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    Life moves on... this may have nothing to do with you, but just him moving on with his life, pursuing new interests and friends, spending most of his time with his girlfriend.

    The other thing is the history there... he left her to be with you, then went back to her. So she is most likely very sensitive to the idea that it had happened once, and could happen again. So it is probably out of respect for her that he doesn't spend time with you... Since he did leave her once for you, you are probably a sore spot in their relationship, and if he is getting serious about her, there really isn't any room for you in his life other than in a very marginal way.

    So i doubt it has anything to do with hating you at all, more to do with him moving on with his life and building a relationship with his girlfriend.

  8. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by brazilgirl21 View Post
    Fionnuala - It's SO good to hear from you! I've been much better... stayed out of ENA for a while when I was trying to get over it but now that I'm ok I've been around more.

    Still think about him, but things are just MUCH, MUCH better!!

    It's good to hear that you are going through something similar! But wow, he didn't say hi to you? you guys don't talk at all?? that's weird!
    I'm glad to hear you're doing better! It just takes time.

    Yeah, it is really weird. Especially 'cause he works at a coffee shop and he was the one making my drink and if I were anyone else in the world he would have talked to me. But nope, he avoided eye contact with me the whole time, and didn't say anything. I was chatting with my old boss most of the time anyway, but when he was busy it was really awkward. He did manage to muster a slight glance in my direction and a "here you go," when he handed me my drink, but that's it. I don't really take it personally. I just take it as that's where he's at right now, and there's nothing I can do about it. Someday he might be able to act like a normal human being in my vicinity but today is not that day!

    And with regards to the other posts in this thread, I think there's a big difference between normal NC and moving on with your life and what BG is talking about. I think she is right that it is odd for him to avoid functions with his close friends because she's there. Personally, I've always felt that NC is good, but that I'm not going to avoid normal situations in my life just 'cause he might be there. Like the other day when I went into his work. I go in there pretty often because I'm friends with his manager. This is the first time I've gone there and he's been there too. I almost didn't go in when I saw him, but then decided that I'm not going to change something I would normally do just because of him. I can understand that seeing BG would be awkward for her ex and his girlfriend, and I think that's probably why he's doing what he's doing, but I do think it's a bit odd to avoid childhood friend's gatherings just because of her.
    "Maybe instead of forever talking in a heteronormative context of what masculinity means and whether women want one kind of it or another, we should be exploring our humanity. What does it mean not to be a Real Man or Woman, but an honorable person?" - Abigail Collazo

  9. #8
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    I completely understand and agree with you (although it stings a little to read it)! I don't think we can be friends or that he should have space for me in his life! I don't want to be his friend! Its not about being buddies, but simply being able to co-exist in the same environment! Its been over 5 months, why can't he be in the same space as I at a friend's gathering? Does his girlfriend think I'm going to steal him with her there next to him? He chose her, I got it! What bothers me is that we can't seem to be mature and civil about this and attend the same event! Since I met these people through him, I feel bad because its like I'm stealing his place when in reality there's place for both of us! I'm not talking about weekly small gathering, but big parties that happen once every 4-6 months?

  10. #9
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    Fi - wow, your case is even more extreme than mine! For how long did you two date? Did it end in bad terms?? Why didn't you say hi, how are you? Maybe he thought you were also avoiding him??

    In

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by brazilgirl21 View Post
    Fi - wow, your case is even more extreme than mine! For how long did you two date? Did it end in bad terms?? Why didn't you say hi, how are you? Maybe he thought you were also avoiding him??

    In
    We were only together for 9 months, but it was pretty serious from the beginning. So it wasn't TOO long compared to people who are together for years, but it wasn't like it was a short casual thing either. It ended pretty badly, I guess. He dumped me at a really bad, vulnerable time, saying that he needed to be single to fix his issues (which, honestly, is probably true), then proceeded to start "seeing" (aka sleeping with and claiming to be in love with, when anyone who knows him knows he wasn't) a significantly older woman about two weeks later. The last time we properly spoke, I said "f*** you" and hung up on him. I apologized, but still...it didn't end very well.

    I probably should have reached out and said hi first, if the situation arises again I probably will. I guess the reason I didn't is because I didn't want to force him to talk to me if he doesn't want to, you know? The first time I saw him after we broke up (about 3 months after) I said "hi" and he just kind of stared at me like I was the most terrifying thing he'd ever seen and didn't say a word. Things were a little better the next time, but he was still giving me that terrified look and had a really hard time talking, so not much. Sooo...I guess since he was avoiding eye contact with me and not saying anything I figured he didn't want to talk to me. So that's why I didn't say anything. I dunno. He's weird. I feel like if anyone should be acting that way it's me, seeing as how I'm the one whose heart got broken. But whatevs.
    "Maybe instead of forever talking in a heteronormative context of what masculinity means and whether women want one kind of it or another, we should be exploring our humanity. What does it mean not to be a Real Man or Woman, but an honorable person?" - Abigail Collazo

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